No More Pain

No More Pain ©

By Michael Casey

Mary J Blige was just singing on Magic Chilled, and part of the song said No More Pain, she’s being followed by Will Young, in a way they are both singing about the same thing, Pain. This makes me smile as this  morning I was screaming in pain, lying down gives me pain thanks to my scar tissue and my Arthur/arthritis. Relax I won’t bore you all too much with this. The next song is we were born sick, take me to church.

I was wondering what to write about tonight, and the radio presented the answer to me, or is God the straight man feeding me the line and I turn it into a comic line, just like double acts, such as Abbot and Costello. We all have sad days, and there are friends at work or in our neighbourhood who lift our spirits. Some say they are just useless, worthless people, but in fact they are the glue that binds society together.

If you forgive yet another Trump joke, who would we be laughing at now if we didn’t have Donald to laugh at, so he could end up with the Congressional Medal of Honour spelt with just an O  too, because he gave us all such great entertainment, I speak as an avid news watcher with 50 years experience. And as he said he’ll still get to Pennsylvania Avenue, he just opened a new hotel there in the old Post Office building.

So Heaven Help Hillary if she wins and wants to post any clothes to her grandchild in New York. They’ll just disappear, or do losing Presidential candidates join the Post Office, so should we watch out for Mr Trump wearing shorts. Though in Men in Black 3, one of the Men in Black worked in the Post Office, before coming out and saving the world. So Donald Trump will save the world from aliens, but that’s all in the Future.

But I digress, I must have learnt that from the Donald Trump school of speech giving. I hope I have amused you all, especially those of you at the London Embassy, as you report back to Obama what the rest of the world is thinking about.

I heard that John Kerry will be asked to remain as Foreign Secretary, but his shorthand is not very good. He also is thinking of joining Team Sky and doing the Tour de France, but his secret service detail insist they are not shaving their legs for anybody, not even if Rupert Murdoch throws in the new Q Sky tv thingy. 

So it looks like that John Kerry, who is the best President America never had, in my opinion, he will in fact go back to his job sealing the lids on baked bean tins  in his wife’s old bean factory. Even though there may be issues with Global Warming due to the number of children who eat too many baked beans, even though it is a form of central heating for kids.

Where was I, I am about to watch the Press Preview on Sky, so I have to  finish, but I hope I have distracted you enough  so that you forget your pain. Whatever your pain is, a teacher, a boyfriend, an exam, or a fat silver haired writer from Birmingham who makes you cry before you go out on stage and say everything is rigged, should I remind you of the song about the Scottish Donald? 

Family Decision

Family Decision ©

By Michael Casey

We have been going through a process for several months now, and as you can already guess we have not made a decision. If it’s a bloke he makes his mind up quite quickly. How much money does he have in his pocket, or in his bank account, and if there’s enough he’ll buy what he needs. Me, I only have a few quid in my pocket at any one time, any less and I’d be Royalty. Royalty never carries any cash, even though Grannies/Mommies image is on all the coinage, just so they never forget who they love, and who is the Boss. So I can be an impulse buyer and buy what I want, be it a loaf of bread or a pair of Clarks shoes. But what if it is something more expensive?

Well if my have my card in my pocket I’ll spend money, so I leave my card safely at home, otherwise I’d be bankrupt. That’s no doubt how the Royals grew their fortune. Same as when I’m on holiday I’ll spend money easily, but once back home from holidays, I hide my card. Luckily our dogs have good noses and can find it again, I wrap it in a smelly sock to help them.

Now back to decisions, if it’s just me then I’m very quick. But once you have a wife and then daughters things take longer and longer to decide. Years ago picking our first car was  easy, I picked a Skoda, I’d done all the research and that’s what I could afford. But then your wife says she prefers X or Y or Z, so you spend time investigating X then Y then Z, before you know what, she agrees with me that the Skoda would be perfect after all. I suppose this is marriage the world over. My dad’s death meant we had a bit of extra money so we upgraded the model of the Skoda, having a bit of comfort as my dad used to say.

Daughters bring more joys to a family, and longer decision making times. You can’t just buy a thing you have to buy a pretty thing, a nice and pretty thing that must be PINK, well for a few years anyway. I have 2 daughters and a female cat, so I am outnumbered 4 to 1, little wonder I become a gay dad, this means I have to learn about Fashion and Colour Coordination. So when I buy something the Female perspective has to be taken into account, so any packaging that is pink or just pretty wins hands down. We eat Warburtons bread not just because it’s very nice, but because my girls like the pretty Orange wrapper it comes in.

Many decisions in a family are simple and obvious but you have to share decision making, whether or not you want to. As somebody once told me, it may have been Elaine Palin the poet, you are living with 3 girls you haven’t got a chance. Though I like to think that I am the dad, a cross dressing dad, but I still wear trousers occasionally.

So my word is Law, let’s stop right here. See I even put a full stop, or period for any American readers. I’m not one of these old fashioned dads I treat my girls like adults, probably from when they were 7 and could finish the Times Crossword in under 6 minutes.  Now some of my statements are comic devices, apart from the cross dressing, as I’m always angry when I get dressed as I am a nudist, the little old ladies in the seniors home down the road have a telescope you know.

As I was saying before you all side-tracked  me,  decisions just take so much longer when you are in a family. As a lad it’s around the chippy for a kebab and chips, then you have a Shanghai wife who can cook so she demands vegetables, so you ask what are vegetables? Then children come along and you force them to eat their vegetables, sweet or is it bitter revenge for what their mother did to you.

Every item in life is shared and laughed at in a family, where did daddy steal Eddie Izzard’s dresses from, and hasn’t daddy learnt that pink and sage do not go together. 

I could go on but this chair is really hard and I don’t want to get a splinter in my bum again. Last time my girls laughed so much they peed on the floor, they blamed Totoro the cat for it too. The sight of me lying on the settee with my bum in the air while my wife used a needle to get the splinter out was just too much for them. Thank God it didn’t end up on Facebook, hopefully nobody would have recognised my behind, it would have been the end for me otherwise.

  

Thanks to my readers world wide, including hackers and scammers, just please don't send me any rubbish, I just don't have the energy to waste, see photo above. 

just follow link and buy some books thanks,

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC/ref=ntt_dp_epwbk_0 

p.s. when I reach 1,000,000 WORDS WRITTEN they'll be an omnibus book for 15quid or so, a bargain so watch out for that, and don't forget to say your prayers at night, and pray for my health.

Expectation or Don't Count Your Chickens

Expectation or Don’t Count Your Chickens ©

By Michael Casey

Expectation, Hope or even Counting Your Chickens Before They Hatch can be a very dangerous thing. You can end up with egg all over your face, or even getting your face slapped. You think you’ll win an election, only to have defeat instead, but only a fool would want to be a Politician in any place anywhere.

Winning can be a flick of a coin, literally, in Las Vegas or in a tied election. It’s all a game of Luck, as my brother said Life is a Game of Roulette, he speaks as an Economics graduate from Cambridge, my other brother was at Oxford, what did he say, he said try computers and it changed my life. So by following one piece of advice the whole path of your life can change. Just as one moment of madness can ruin it, listening to your phone while crossing the road and you end up in a wheel chair for life.

Exam results are a moment of great expectations, my daughter aims for all A*s which is the top grade, in everything, my mother used to say to us it did not matter we could go and work in Woolworths. As for our blacksmith and steel worker dad he said, I have no education do what you like but do your best. It brings a tear to my eye as I share this with you, his Love was strong, as was mum’s, but to me he was like a brother and a best friend.

When you plan things, always have a plan B, our Politicians here in UK should have had a Plan B for Brexit, but they did not bother out of arrogance and it would send bad vibes or so they thought. They say Eton gives you confidence and it stands you in good stead whatever you do. Personally most of us could never go to Eton, though the joke is I went to Eton you know, but only to unblock the drains. It’s an old Michael Bentine joke but HE is worth a Google or two.

My own Eton was CPNEC Birmingham, 3 years in a 4 star deluxe business hotel, it was an Education in itself. There I learnt to expect the unexpected, not to count any chickens, every day was different but always tiring, 12 hour shifts walking on marble and never sitting down. So if you want your child to grow and get loads of confidence make them work at a hotel during those long Eton holidays. While waiting for those A Level results make them take a gap year working in a hotel. 

You meet thousands of people in the foyer of a hotel, I think I must have met 100,000 over the 3 years. As for my brother he invented gap years 40 years ago. He worked at a coal mine in Newbold Vernon for a year before getting into Cambridge thanks to inverted snobbery and the 4 straight As did help too.

As you can see I’m the stupid one, the writer of family, I’ve done a lot of manual work, but I’ve also observed many many things, so I’ve ended up by accident as a writer. 30 years and nearly one million words, over 10 books and I’m on the 11^th book now. 

I have no expectation of ever being recognised as a Luvly Writer as Clare Moore once said of my writing. I do hope that my daughters look back and remember the laughter, that’s my only hope, and that’d be enough for me, I’m not counting any chickens, but once the girls fly the nest they’ll always have smiles in their hearts. 

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC

Vote for me I'm Blonde

Vote for Me I’m Blonde ©

By Michael Casey

Vote for me I’m Blonde and I’ll do anything to win the day

Vote for me I’m Blonde you can squeeze my ass because I’m crass

Vote for me and I’ll sleep with you votes and fun have just begun

Vote for me it’s just like Hotel California but for real, be quiet don’t squeal

Vote for me because I’m Blonde and I have Policies and I’ve put it in a book

Vote for me because I’m so sincere and I’m not a degenerate well not yet

Vote for me because you’ll feel thinner and younger too

Vote for me and you’ll be part of the in crowd so hip and groovy too

Vote for me because you haven’t got a clue, just like me sniffing glue

Vote for me because you want to grab life by the balls, just make sure

nobody has video of you saying it

Vote for me because I’m so old and getting elected is like Viagra

Vote for me because you want to touch my shadow and be healed.

Vote for me because you don’t know what the appeal is you just want me

Vote out of your ignorance and with full of doubts x marks the spot

Vote  oh please vote and then I’ll be so happy just vote I beg you

Then when I am elected I’ll repay all my faithful voters personally

I’ll let all of you stroke my plush pussy.

Because I will be the new cat warden in our nonsense state of USA

And Plush Pussy is the name of our Persian Blue cat Mascot

What were you all thinking, go wash your mouth and mind out, and don’t forget to vote on Nov 8^th, you get the Government you deserve so VOTE.

It’s cold and damp Autumn is here

It’s cold and damp Autumn is here ©

By Michael Casey

Perhaps I should translate for my American readers, Fall has arrived here in Birmingham. It feels cold and damp and my washing is shrouded in mist on the washing line which covers our grass in the garden. A beautiful picture so different to those of you who  live in 90210 or even in DC, by the way Obama hurry up with the bubble wrap, you only have a month to pack.

Aches and pains beckon with the damp air, little wonder folks live till 300 years old in Hollywood thanks to the warm dry climate, whereas here in Birmingham we have to dig out our string vests, or put 3 jumpers on and an overcoat, just to stay warm, indoors that is. It’s warmer outside, if you call all your friends and flash mob the number 11 bus, this is a 20 mile circle of Birmingham, then you all stay warm like cattle in a shed.

Half way around you jump off and flash mob the Christian tea shop, it’s really really cheap and best of all it’s warm, if only you could carry the heat home in carrier bags. Once a month there is dancing, they always play ONJ’s Get Physical, 70 to 80+ year olds doing the naughty, well in their imagination anyways, everything is slow motion nowadays.

As they dance over the floor, tables and chairs pushed out of the way to allow their dancing and prancing. Imagine John Travolata and ONJ in Grease but substitute seniors with Arthritis and big woolly jumpers freshly bought from the Charity shop. Don’t mock them I’m nearly there, I have the Arthritis and Woolly jumper, all I need is the free bus pass. Though if you look into their eyes you will notice the spark the fire, just shake those embers and you’ll be amazed what you’ll find out. The top deck of buses hold many secrets and not just where Mr Jones went to have a pee….

The kids or grandkids will be home soon, you have to put on your best face, to lie to them and say you had a great day, and no the Autumn chill did not make your Arthritis worse today. You don’t put the heating on to save money so that you can buy them chocolate biscuits, you just shiver under a duvet waiting till 15 mins before the kids are due back before you switch the heating on, for them.  It’s an idea you will use for Mrs Murphy in Tears for a Butcher, she will get a space blanket as used by real life Astronauts, and get to make friends with a billionaire’s mum. But that’s another chapter in another book.

As for now I need a hot drink tea will be fine. I’m remembering when we were kids in the Winter ice was on the  inside of bedroom windows, we scrapped it off and may have even eaten it, that was 50 years ago before double glazing was invented. Everything was so innocent then.

So I’ve got my tea and Michael Jackson is singing  Remember the Time, memories  do keep us warm, we may be chilled to the bone, but our spirits are on fire with love and memories. Memory is my greatest companion, I seem to have been the Family Camcorder, I have no fancy exploding flaming phone, though it might have warmed me and my Arthritis up.

What I’m saying is I remember lots of stuff, it all goes into the “soup” and then I am able to write about it.  I sometimes cannot remember what I had for breakfast, but what happened 50 years ago I have near total recall. As I reach for my tea I hold the keyboard like an artist holding his palette, I slurp my tea and resume painting pictures with words. I’ve got my dressing gown on, the long one, have to stay warm without the central heating on. Then I’ll have a 2nd tea to keep my body warm and flush my cKd kidneys out, and then I’ll be off to Aldi to buy chocolate for the girls,  just in time to put the central heating on before they come home.