Shaving

Shaving ©

   By

Michael Casey

Shaving is a chore, we cut our faces to pieces in order to look nice, or is it in order not to look dirty. Look at the water when you shave after not shaving for a day or two. Its dirty, no wonder woman don’t want to kiss a stubble faced man.

I was useless at shaving, I had a cut on both cheeks, at least my face was symmetrical, little wonder I grew a beard. I was 15 or so at the time. In them days we all used a safety razor, that’s a joke in itself. I was spurting blood like in a horror movie. All down my vest too, we all wore vests in them days, perfectly matched blood and  toothpaste stains.

Then you’d put pieces of toilet paper on your face, to soak up the blood, as you put your shirt on you’d hope the blood didn’t stain your collar. But it always did. At least the stains, blood and toothpaste, were on your vest where nobody could see them.

Though sometimes in haste you brushed your teeth with your shirt on, then you DID have white marks on your shirt. So you positioned your tie to cover the toothpaste stains, perfect, all was well, then on the bus to work you pull the toilet paper from your face. Only to arrive at work with blood streaming down your neck onto your white collar.

So you improvise and take your shirt off and wear it inside out, with your tie lengthened to hide the fact that the shirt was on inside out. Jerry Lewis did something like this in a film of his. Ask a French film buff they’ll explain.

As you get older you get better at shaving, technology arrived, its 40 years since I started to shave, or rather self-mutilate would be a better description, but technology did arrive. We had disposable razors made of cheap lightweight plastic. Only this gave me the chance to cut myself with two blades and not one.

Saving foam and save gel made an appearance in my life, in all of our lives. I’d been using a shaving brush and soap, but gradually after years of practice I got better at shaving. I had tried an electric razor but that just pulls your beard off your face. My mistake was using cheap throwaway razors, really you need a bit of weight in the razor.

Salvation came when I paid for a decent razor, a Gillette Mach 3, and Aldi’s own shaving gel. Gel is always better than foam, gel helps the razor glide. So once I had the proper tools I no longer looked as if I’d been cutting my own throat. Problem solved.

Over the years I’ve tried a variety of different blades, makes me sound like a circus knife thrower, and they did the job. However the Gillette Mach 3 is my favourite, because it works. But what should a man do with his clean face? He now has to copy his wife and put lotions and potions on his face.

Men’s beauty, sounds like a contradiction in terms, men’s beauty is big business. So your wife or girlfriend gives you a bottle of something to slap on your face. Only it stings and you scream, but you cannot swear as it’s a gift, given with love. Your daughters tell you that you must stay looking young, even if you are already called “Grandpa” when you do the school run, because of your silver hair.  

So now you look at the beauty products in the shops, shop assistants smile at you, they wonder why is grandpa looking at those products. The shop assistants  wave helpfully in the direction of Just For Men, hair dye. But you would never dye your hair, would you, could you. So you settle for £1 face balm, at least it won’t sting.

Boys Don't Knit

Boys Don’t Knit

Boys Don’t Knit ©

By

Michael Casey

Boys don’t knit, your nan does, your mum did, your aunty does, but boys don’t knit. I do confess when I was 9 I did try it. Mum had knitting needles in the back of the dinner table’s drawers. A heavy mahogany table with curvy ends  with holes in, it’s probably an antique now, it’s still in the old family house. It weighs a ton and a ton of food passed over that table over the years.

So having found the needles I went in search of wool, I found it in mum’s plastic wicker basket which was in the back of the pantry under the stairs. So off I went knitting. Only my knitting was totally linear, I filled up one needle then another. My knitting did not grow, or whatever is the official word for it. Iwas no Kaffe Fassett I could only produce one line, it would be ok if I were making a jumper for a caterpillar, but for a human, my knitting just would not do.

So that was 40 years plus ago, now we have a new knitter in the family, my eldest daughter. And she knows how to make her knitting grow, I am so impressed. She got a knitting set and soon ran out of wool, she made a scarf, not as long as Dr Who’s but just as nice. I was impressed.

Being a good dad I had to go and find more wool for her. A man asking for wool does raise eyebrows, but a modern dad has to do what a modern dad does. I found some in the plastic shop, it’s a shop that sells all things that are made of plastic, and everything else, a modern bazar. Then I wondered would our local market have a wool section.

In the market, halfway up on the right I found wools galore. All sizes and colours, you cannot imagine the variety of wools there are.  Sparkly wool, fluffy wool, fat wool, thin wool, neon coloured wool. I’ve never noticed this on the sheep when we’ve driven past in the car, the sheep must keep their secrets to themselves, until they are sheared.

So my daughter has knitting as a hobby now, she says its relaxing, after all the choir and piano practice, not to mention maths and book reading. I know she’ll never starve as she can always knit jumpers as an occupation into her old age, imagine 80 years of knitting.

My mother used to knit for all of us her children, I can remember her holding up the knitting against my back to see how much more she had to knit. We had so many jumpers in the house. We used to have a corner cupboard that held all our jumpers. One day when mum was out, just for fun we made our little sister wear all 9 or ten jumpers. There were so many jumpers that my sister could not put her arms down. Her arms were outstretched, she was like a letter T. Mum was not happy when she came home to see our little sister standing like a letter of the alphabet. T.

Nobody knits nowadays; it’s cheaper to buy jumpers in the shop. Which is such a pity, as knitting is so much fun, especially if you don’t sit on the knitting needles!

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flying lessons 2 years ago

Radio Waves

Radio Waves ©

By

Michael Casey

Radio had been a big thing in my life, it still is but to a lesser degree, though I only bought my cheap mobile phone because it had a radio on it. Radio is a conspiracy between the announcer and the listener. As kids we listened under the bed clothes, then when we had an ear piece we listened with the radio on the bedclothes beside us.

Earpieces is the operative word because you only had one thing to go in your ear, headphones had not been invented. And you shared an earpiece and ear wax with your brother. Yuck.

We were given a huge Bush radio, the one with the saucer dial and the domino like controls, now these radios are retro and stylish, but back in the 60s they were huge. Me and my brother shared a double bed and the radio lay between us as we listened to The World Tonight, Douglas Stuart reporting, which was BBC Radio4 late night news. Followed by the Book at Bed Time.

For me that radio changed my life, and improved my intellect. 20 years  of listening to clever people talk and explain things. Perhaps that’s why I have a Posh Brummie accent, though having a Shanghai wife means I have to try and talk clearly otherwise she’d never understand me.

Due to the repeats on the radio I have a broader view on life, and on comedy on the radio. Round the Horn and ITMA, even some of the Goons. The Goons had a young Peter Sellers as part of the crew before he became an international film star. I also heard 100s or 1000s of plays. If you work shifts and your days off are midweek what can you do? You listen to Radio4 of course.

Radio has more power than tv. If you hear an item on the radio and later on you are watching the same item on  tv the words don’t seem as “loud” or as forceful on tv. Why? Because the pictures get in the way of the words. Did anybody ever listen to Marilyn Monroe, no, they were too busy looking, proves my point, pictures get in the way of words, or eyes outvote ears.

When we listen to our favourite music we close our eyes, it sounds better in the dark, just as kissing is better in the dark, or power cuts or blackouts if you live in New York. Radio does send out waves of love and music to us. Radio must have been invented for music. As well as speech radio I always listen to lots of music. Nowadays on my PC or on a UBS stick  in the cheap but good Hifi behind me.

Radio has been splintered nowadays, we have stations for this and stations for that. You have Hip Hop radio, you have Reggae radio, Smooth radio, Jazz radio, radio for every faction under the sun. Though Breakfast radio always seems to have 2 hyper people, a boy and a girl, talking about themselves,  and talking over the music.

I have tried getting my Shorts on the radio and this is very hard, because we have Format radio. A man , a dog and a playlist, that’s what they always do and that’s what they always do. Radio stations play it safe they don’t want to lose the advertisers, adverts rule OK?

Dab radio and satellite radio are new things that bring quality listening quality to us. I got my 1^st Dab radio 10 years ago perhaps. My sister said the radio sounded like a HiFi and it did. So my hope is that now that we can all hear in such great quality, as if all of us have had our ears syringed, let’s hope the radio owners put

quality material on their stations. And may I drop a hint

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Laughter Track

Laughter Track ©

By

Michael Casey

Laughter plays a big part in our house, I hope in yours too. If you can laugh then you are alright, if you cannot then tension hangs in the air. So what can you do to break this tension, you could fart, or pretend to fart, by blowing farts on your arm.

Air from the heart, otherwise called a fart, as my old Killarney aunt used to say. She was the kindest woman you could meet, and one with an explosive laugh. She was a Jack of all trades. Cook, cleaner seamstress, ambulance driver, washer of the dead, petrol pump attendant to name just a few.

She was 5feet 1 inch tall but 17stones plus. She could bake great cakes too. At a drop of a hat she’s put up with me and my sister and drive us around to see all the Casey Clan, and back to Cromane to see mum’s side of the family. Say 1000 miles in 2 weeks. She knew the back of beyond and its brother. Sat Nav had not been thought of let alone invented.

She was a genuine character, a big kid perhaps but had a heart so full of love. I can still hear her laugher as I talk to you, she was such a character, she loved that word too. A Sir somebody  who lived in Killarney asked for a few cabbages from her, and called her a character. She lived in the shadow of the seminary and the alley courts.

My mum had a funny laugh too, that went this way and that, if you make me really laugh, I sound like a seal too. People say throw a fish at him. As they wipe the tears from their eyes.

Laughter is so important in our lives, all of our lives. It’s a shared experience,  it joins us together as family and friends. Grief has to be broken by laughter. Maybe 35 years ago Rich’s dad died and nobody knew what to say when he came back to work, Rich had a neckerchief around his neck, so I just said “you look like a Rice Crispie  character straight off the box.” It broke the ice and all was well.

I find if people can’t laugh at themselves  then they are too stiff, I don’t want to be around such people. I had plenty of time while I was at CPNEC Birmingham, to practice making people laugh. Maybe 100,000 people saw my face, so I tried to raise a smile from everybody who came to stay. Me, Roger, Jim and Phil on Security were the first faces people saw. We were the friendly hotel.

Laughter is a glue that binds us all, the staff up the road in my local supermarket they all know about laughter. You don’t want a robot serving you, you want a real person, I hate those self-service tills. A chat or a laugh while you shop is how it should be. Nobody needs a piece of paper glued inside the till saying “eye contact and smile” when you have really funny/nice people serving you.

The laughter track to our lives, is what defines us. It can even lead to marriage. I only married my wife because she made me laugh, even though nobody believes this. Having a wife with model looks is the cross I have to carry, but I only married her because she made me laugh. Honest, trust me I’m a writer, or can I hear you laughing. 

photo is the wife and our 2 daughters April 2013 in Malta

The Chair something from 3 years ago

The Chair

The Chair © By Michael Casey When we got married we couldn’t afford much furniture, just a bed and an old armchair and a table to eat our dinner off. But that was fine my wife could always sit on my lap. That was nice and that was cosy and kept the fire going inside us and between us. But when somebody sits on your lap the passion soon rises, and soon you’re both naked and soon babies will come. So the question is should I/we all of us not sit on laps and just buy a second chair. Its more civilised no doubt but a girl sitting on your lap leaning against to is much more fun. Don’t you agree. What if you can’t afford any chairs, not even one? Is it better to sit on the floor doing Yoga positions? Would you both sit down cross legged and have serious conversations, and quote the Times, or would you both roll about and try something from the Sun? So would it be better to buy a chair, or steal two deckchairs from a beach? Furniture plays a major role in romance, a rocking chair is very romantic or even erotic, and when the babies come feeding a baby while rocking in a chair is such a nice feeling. Your favourite chair, or an old suite donated by a friend is great, you can cuddle up together and watch tv, even if your wife thinks you’re like Homer Simpson, not the ancient Greek philosopher. An old chair can be used to stand on while you wash the windows or change a bulb. I used to have an old huge battered old chair that I sat in while I speak these lines to you. Now we have a more modern and smaller chair that I sit in while I share these words with you. Perhaps when I’m very old I’ll have a commode for convenience sake and my daughters will spray perfume. Nobody knows the future but I do really miss my rocking chair. http://michaelgcasey.multiply.com/photos/hi-res/1M/92 http://michaelgcasey.multiply.com/photos/hi-res/1M/92 0 comments share

The Gettysburg Address

The Gettysburg Address

15/11/2013

NOVEMBER 15TH, 2013 12:45

The Gettysburg Address

By michaelgcasey

I don’t know about you but I did not know it will be the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address on Tuesday. But I’m in Birmingham England, just so USA visitors to this site know I’m not stupid, or too stupid. Seems to me though that they need a NEW Gettysburg Address. The GOP HATES Obama, I can see that on my tv, I don’t need to be over there to know this. Is it 40 or 50 times that Obama care has been drowned at Birth, or rather the GOP wants to do so. Over here the law is the law and you move on. Our Parliament voted not to join in military action over Syria and that was that. Over in the USA the GOP lost, but they try 40 or 50 times to say they hadn’t lost.
Everybody was full of hope the 1st time Obama was elected, now even though he won again  you have the debt crisis and Government shutdown. Should USA have a new Amendment to the Constitution, its just a big game of Russian Roulette. Little wonder everybody in USA thinks all politicians are jerks. Could you change the Constitution  so government works better?
Another point is that nobody votes, or GOP governors make it harder for Democrats to vote, by playing with polling times, Democrats are poorer and have to work more shifts etc, so if you cut the polling times less of them can vote. Though only 50% of the population  bother to vote, which means IF its a tight race only  just over 1/2 of the people have actually voted somebody in. So out of the total population only 25% actually support the winner.
Little wonder there is no respect for the President, or could it be just plain old fashioned Racism.
As for Obama care, I’d love for it to work. However it sucks. The computer system should have been right in the first place, a 2nd grader would tell you that, however its Drug/Insurance companies vested interests that he fighting against. I am so glad to live over here in UK, as NHS is a treasure, we have problems with it, but its free at point of use. NHS saved my dad’s life back in 1996, he was in hospital for 3 months. I dare to think of the cost in USA. Not to think of the costs in USA for medicine and dental. In the future I may need a hip op too, I imagine I could never afford that if I lived in the USA.
I also see on the USA news that Obama is called Socialist and worse. I’d say its just Christian charity, or Jewish/Islamic/Agnostic charity to help the weak in any society. That is not an ISM to be hated and despised, it should be something that is aspired too. Though just in case you think I’m giving Obama a blank cheque I am not, he is too much like a university Don, he seems too detached. He should have achieved so much more. He won the Peace Prize though History will remember him for his Kill List.
However IF John Kerry does finally pull something off with Iran THEN Obama will have earned his Peace Prize, I should add the more I hear from Kerry the more I think USA missed a good President in him. But what of  Gettysburg? It was a bloodbath, I’ve just had a look on the Internet, though it would takes weeks of study, years even to speak with authority on the subject. BUT I can say America needs a new turning point, American needs to lift the spirit of its people again. I don’t need to say why. So much anger and hate, so much division in Politics.
I grew up in the 1960/70s we had Apollo, Ali, Beatles, Kennedys, 1968 Olympics, Flower Power, FUN. That was then and what do we have now, Miley Cyrus, who has a great voice, but not enough money to buy some clothes.  What America needs is to reinvent itself for the 21st Century,  to have passion and mission. Perhaps we should search the oceans’ floor, we know next to nothing about the Deep. So much energy seems to be spent on dividing the USA, which still IS a beacon to the rest of the world.  So come on America, put Love back in your Life and in Politics,
So that in Lincoln’s words  ”government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”

L*****************
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Copywriting or Lying for Beginners

Copywriting or Lying for Beginners ©

By

Michael Casey

Salman Rushdie is famous for writing “Fresh Cream Cakes Naughty But  Nice” what he did after that peak you’ll have to Google. Me I’m a writer and I try and give a humorous slant on everything I do, though sometimes I’m serious, almost.

Words have meaning, words have power, words lie, words tell the truth, those are some words from a poem of mine long ago, you can find it amongst my books on Amazon Kindle. Who knows you may even find Salman Rushdie hiding amongst Amazon Kindle.

Copywriting is about telling a story with selling in your heart, as opposed to just plain old storytelling. My daughter has restarted reading the Brothers Grimm, now they knew how to tell a story, blood and guts and princesses too. Something for everybody in their tales.

I had to write a one page pitch document for a script of mine, 4 months later I’m still waiting to see if my pitch worked. Pitch writing is hard, what do you say, what do you leave out, what do you leave in?

It’s like doing a photo shop on yourself, is my hair right, should I comb it this way or that way. Should I pluck my eyebrows, should I do a stupid writer’s pose, why are writers’ fists glued under their chins? Technology can come to the rescue.

As for your words, those you have to do for yourself, pick out your best bits and hope people like the way you’ve put it on the page. 50 Shades of Grey puts things a different way, many a different way, but that appeals to a different audience than mine.

So what do you highlight as you try to sell your book with your blurb? The comedy, the pathos, the stupidity, your writing style? Who do you compare yourself to, in the vain hope that audience will then buy your book? I like the Brothers Grimm and I also like Don Camillo. But that’s from 60 to 160years ago, so am I losing my potential audience already? Only immortals will read me.

What I’m trying to say is that if you like them, then you must like The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker. If only I could get David Mellor to entice the audience for me, or Andrew Graham Dixon, get the two of them drunk on Stella Artois and get them to talk learnedly about my words. A Sunday afternoon full of praise for me, or rather my words.

We all hope our words are funny, and perhaps our prose is poetic, as one NY Poet did once say, as did one of our Pakistani Esol students  say too. It’s getting folks to read the blurb in the first place, that is the trick. So is it sex or violence or laughter that hooks the casual reader, what should you highlight?

I have recorded  100 of my shorts from my other books, I’ve even put them online at www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com so there in cyberspace are 100 examples of my words so people can judge me from afar, they can mock or laugh with me from the comfort of their own home.

Then you agonise over, is my voice too high, or is my voice too deep? To my own ear I sound like a lad, an ignorant lad. See I’m being honest, but immediately people will pick this admission up and use it as a stick to beat me with. However my poet friend in NY, she said I had a good tone, she liked my voice. My daughters say I sound like a news reader. The only way to find out is to listen. Somebody else said I sounded like Terry Wogan. So God Help Me, I’m ruined.