Life Lessons ©
By Michael Casey
I was talking to my dad yesterday, yes I talk to my dad, doesn’t every 16
year old girl? He was telling me about his struggles, he doesn’t call them
struggles as that would sound Pretentious and he despises
Pretentiousness as much as We hate double Latin last thing on a Friday
afternoon, after a hard week at school. My dad actually did have double
Latin on a Friday afternoon when he was in 5 th Year, he hates all this Year
Whatsit stuff as well, if it’s so Modern then why does it suddenly become
6 th Form after all the years of Struggle. But at least We don’t have double
Latin on a Friday afternoon.
I said it would be inspirational if he went into schools gave a speech, dad
just laughed and said only if the English teacher wore stockings and
suspenders and a short skirt and was 25 years younger than him. Or was
that the French teacher marrying the student, and then becoming the
President. Or am I mixing something up that I half heard on the news, I
never pay attention to the news, does any 16 year old girl? The bit about
the stockings and suspenders is true though, as dad has such a booming
voice you always hear him clearly. He showed me a picture of mum once
and said that’s why you are here, but that’s another story so I’ll draw a
veil over that.
Dad stopped picking his nose, but at least he doesn’t wipe it on the wall
as my little sister over there used to do, when she was in Year8, sorry I
mean when she was eight months to 88 months old. Anyway I said Life
Lessons, so dad just raised his leg and farted, he said it was a family
tradition as his dad my granddad used to do that. Then he asked how
long, how many pages, how long if it was read out. I suggested 3 pages
worth. He ignored me and went hunting for the remote control but I
knew he might rattle something off in the morning. It’s his mental
exercise, writing, 1,060,000 Words so far he told me, so that makes him
very mentally exercised, with a brain as big as, Kim Kardasian’s ARSE.
He didn’t say any more, but he wants a change from Translating into
Polish for his 21,700 in just 3 weeks Polish fan base. So I just crossed my
fingers and hoped Dad would come up with something. Dad being dad
was suspicious that I wanted him to write an essay I could memorise for
my GCSEs. His ESol English students had tried to pull that trick years
ago, they were only learning English as a foreign Language, so when they
wrote something that was too good, it was obvious not all their own
work.
But that I suppose is the 1 st Life Lesson, don’t try and memorise the
perfect essay and pass it off as your own, Like a Politician’s speech, as cut
and paste or memory cut and paste STANDS OUT, and you will be
caught. Your teacher knows you, so if it doesn’t seem to be like your work
then it isn’t. Though I did think of getting my little sister to write an
essay, when she’s not wiping snot on walls she really is a good writer,
better than dad she always tells him. But he always tells her, that’s the
way he wants it to be, then he lifts his leg and farts, and sings Nobody
Does it Better, from the James Bond film.
And that’s the 2 nd life lesson, don’t cheek your dad, or he will turn the
other cheek and fart, leaving you gasping for breath. The 2 nd Life lesson is
always have enough toilet paper in the bathroom, and when you finish
wipe both sides of the seat and flush. If you finish a roll then replace it
properly. Dad cleaned bathrooms in a 4 star deluxe hotel, CPNEC
Birmingham, when he wasn’t talking to millionaires in the foyer. So a
fully ready toilet is always a must.
Things will go wrong, and in dad’s life they did. In everybody’s life they
do, the question is what are you going to do about it? What if you were in
that toilet and there was toilet paper, what would you do? Text a friend?
Though text is a good word, as this is in fact the 3 rd copy of this text I
have in my hand. What happened to the 1 st 2 copies? Well I didn’t have a
phone with me to text anybody, so I improvised.
So that is the 3 rd Life Lesson, always print on super absorbent paper, and
remember paper can really really cut, a paper cut is the worst thing, ever,
so if you do have to improvise at least you’ll always have some paper,
some text with you, should you not be able to text a friend. But if people
remember Life lesson 2 then YOU won’t need life lesson 3.
Life Lesson 4 is follows on from Life Lesson3, always but always have
copies. Physical copies can be destroyed, or put to other uses as we’ve
already discussed, such as mopping up spills, coffee spills on the English
teacher’s desk. If she insists on wearing stockings and suspenders to
school what dos she expect, a marriage proposal from the French kid
hoping to be President?
Dad backs everything up in cyberspace to multiple accounts, they are
free so get 17 of them and get all the free hard drives in space. Then email
everything to yourself and your 17 free email accounts. Files and CUT
and PASTE in FULL. So that when you set fire to the house because you
were on the phone and not watching the chip fan. By the way this is not
enough either, so buy a pack of usb sticks and make copies galore. By
copies galore at least 7. 7 being the number of times you, well use your
own imagination, dad wrote this for me not you. 7 times you….
Why is dad so strict about this. He was a Computer Operator when he
was still a teenager 40 years ago. Then computers were as big as
wardrobes and a disk drive was not a usb stick, it was as big as a washing
machine, with 0.1 of a gig or less on it. And if something went wrong you
really really really knew about it. So Lesson4 BACKUP, especially now
that A levels and degrees and PhDs beckon. YOU HAVE BEEN
WARNED.
Lesson 5, you will get you degree and be the best of the best. But now you
will be even more unemployable. As you know I am ½ Chinese, but say I
went back to Shanghai and said I have a degree in this or that. They
would laugh and say look out the window, and as you look the will say,
we have 200million people just as qualified and 150million better
qualified.
So Life Lesson 5 is stand out. And I’m not talking about the English
teacher in her stockings and suspenders. A repeated thing is called a
Chorus by the way, so the English teacher in stockings and suspenders is
the Chorus. Or the Amen at the end of a prayer, that A MAN, may be the
answer to the English teacher in stockings and suspenders PRAYERS.
If you are pretty you stand out and you are remembered, so subliminally
you get a head start. People judge you in 20 seconds, when my dad
worked in a hotel he must have met 100,000 people and spoke to that
many, lots of micro-conversations. In his prime he could sum somebody
up in 30 seconds, just as a good policeman or bouncer can.
What can you do to get an edge, well you could dress like the English
teacher, repeat Chorus everybody. Or you could have style? Style may be
just one item of clothes, like Theresa May’s shoes. Or a colourful scarf, or
a scarf with unique broach on it. Something that makes people look
twice. Yes un-brushed teeth with last nights’ kebab stuck to it makes
people look twice and remember you too.
Do you know you colours, have you done a Swatch, Gold and Black is not
a good selection by the way. And yes if you are wondering, my dad is Gay
Dad. No, stop laughing, he has a Shanghai wife, you’ve all seen my mum,
and 2 bilingual daughters and a bilingual cat called Totoro. This means
he knows about FASHION. He wrote the script for Zoolander.
So ask yourself, if a fat farting silver haired dad in shades can know
about Fashion, why can’t you? Fashion is a tool so use it.
Life Lesson6 is Personality, this is the most important thing of all, people
look at you first that’s why the Fashion, is 5 and Personality is 6, if you
look like a dog’s dinner then you won’t get a chance to show your
personality. Personality is the most important thing. If you can make
somebody laugh then they will like you.
They will say where is Mandy, Brandy or Barry Manilow? If you can hold
an intelligent conversation then people will want to listen to you. The
looks will fade, but the twinkle in your eye or the laughter and light will
not. If you look great that’ll last for 10 years, or 30 if you have Chinese
blood, or if you are a fat silver haired dad in shades, then Forever, Fame
I want to Live Forever Fame. Chorus again please.
OK, I didn’t write this dad did, he puts stuff down to embarrass me.
Life Lesson 7 is never be embarrassed, what would you do if a naked man
suddenly appeared. The English teacher would just slap his bare arse
and say, Kindly Go to the Art Studio, the Still Life Class does not start till
after assembly. You will have kids, even Sarah, and they will pooh and
puke everywhere, so you have to cope with it. I live with dad, he does not
pooh and puke everywhere yet. BUT I DO KNOW HOW TO COPE WITH
BEING CONSTANTLY EMBARRASSED. So have a catchphrase and use
it on all these occasions. Such as I used to work in a 4 star deluxe hotel,
and smile.
Dads make you take the rubbish out, to do this to do that. And they are a
right pain in the PIGU, this is a Chinese word you can look it up, I’ll spell
it for you. P I G U But what I never realised was its his way, their way of
saying I LOVE YOU. It’s to teach me, to teach you, all of us of the value of
work, real work, physical work.
Dad has cleaned toilets, he’s swept floors, he’s ran computer rooms,
worked in a major law firm, he’s taught English as foreign language. He’s
even written over a million words, please buy the books, he says he’ll buy
me a Range Rover if you do, and try saying that if you are Chinese.
The point though is that Dads try and protect us.
STEP AWAY FROM LECTERN
AND DO TAI CHI DISPLAY.
Dad taught me that Tai Chi too, he had to visit 99 Chinese takeaways,
visiting all the food and relatives we have, just so he could pass on that
Tai Chi. He put on 10 kilos in 3 weeks. But he said he did it because he
loved me.
So the 8 th and Final Life Lesson, and 8 is lucky in China be HUMBLE
enough to realise that you don’t know all the answers, the old sack of
farts in the corner, the fat man with silver hair and shades has lived a life
and many many things were sad, too sad to mention, that’s why dad, my
dad only writes comedy. A Comedy of his many Errors, but if you do buy
all his books, he really will buy me a Range Rover, for my dad keeps his
words, all 1,060,000 of them safe in cyber space and on 17 usb sticks.
********
Now that piece is one of hundreds, and I have 3,000,000 Words too
so AI Tutoring is What I can do Mark, or are you just a skid mark on History
come and make me an offer I cannot refuse
I am a gorilla with a rosary and this is my little brother
so be nice, be very very nice
