Short stories from Birmingham readers in 162 countries so far
HEAR ME READ ALOUD
207 stories written & read by me
https://profile.typepad.com/michaelgcasey
https://michaelgcasey.typepad.com/blog/
I've got my spirits back after 3 hours of a very funny Kdrama about shoes. More to watch tomorrow, so while I'm lazy have a read of this from 04/04/2017
there's a ton of stuff to read online and 20 books to buy, I know you never will, but they are there if you find a coin at the back of the sofa....
Lech was an altar boy in Cracow, this writer was an altar
boy too but that was in Birmingham in the 1960s and 1970s, they do have one
thing in common and that was Ghosts. Lech was big and strong and he’d punch
anybody who said serving Mass was for mothers’ boys, he had a Faith as strong
as he was. And besides he liked dressing up and carrying candles, it was fun
and was very theatrical, especially the orb thing that you put charcoal in and
the priest adds incense to, they you get to shake it all about. It was a kind
of very smelly high, smoke everywhere.
Lech was always the last boy to finish after the Mass or
Benediction or the Funeral or whatever it was, because Fr. Thomas also shared a
cigarette with him when nobody was looking. Fr. Thomas had been in the Missions
and had come home to Cracow to die, he had picked up a few diseases while
abroad and as Cracow had a good hospital the Bishop brought him home to serve
in a small church so Fr. Thomas could be close to a hospital. The Bishop also
happened to be Fr. Thomas’s friend from 50 years before when they were at
school together. Fr. Thomas had beaten a bully, in fact he had knocked seven
shades of, well you know the next word, so no need to say it. So Fr. Thomas had
saved the future Bishop and that’s why they became friends.
Lech reminded Fr. Thomas of himself, a big strong lad who
was afraid of nothing, so that’s why they shared a cigarette when both should
not. Fr. Thomas knew Lech would never be a priest, he’d be a father sure, but
not a Fr. more like a father of 10. Lech was a magnet for girls, girls of all
ages, 16 to 160 years old, they all thought he was so pretty, he’d tempt
anybody even some of the statues of the saints scattered around the church.
It was just after Lech and Fr. Thomas had finished their
cigarette one Thursday evening that Fr. Thomas collapsed, Lech caught him in
his arms and saw the life slip away from him. Fr. Thomas gasped for breath but
as he was dying he said “if I was a father a real father, you would have been
the perfect son for me, just promise me you’ll give up smoking” Lech promised
he’d give up the cigarettes and Fr. Thomas died with a smile on his lips. Fr.
Thomas had died a “father”, with a son called Lech who was as big as and as
strong as an Ox.
Fr. Thomas’s funeral stopped Cracow, everybody came ,
priests galore, and everybody had a good time, Lech was the chief altar boy and
he was given the honour of reading the passage from the Bible about Lazarus
being raised from the dead and Jesus cried for his friend.
After the burial all the were gathered around chatting,
and having a crafty smoke, priest and nurses are devils for a cigarette, but
you know that already. Lech was going to join in, but he could hear a voice in
his head, promise me you’ll never smoke, it was almost as if Fr. Thomas was
standing behind him. He had the cigarette lit in his hand, so instead he
stubbed it out and put it in his pocket.
At times of stress or sadness, we may all hear or see
voices or shadows, or echoes or reflections, its normal when your mum dies, or
when your favourite dog dies, you may hear it bark and so on. In Lech’s case
whenever he reached for a cigarette he could hear Fr. Thomas’s voice, he could
hear him asking him to promise not to smoke.
Once he looked up from the cigarette in his hand and he
thought he could see Fr. Thomas’s, reflection in the presbytery’s kitchen
window, he spun around only nobody was there. If it was cannabis he could have
explained it, but since Fr. Thomas’s death he had kept his promise not to
smoke, he had always heard Fr. Thomas’s voice in his head just as he was about
to put any cigarette of any kind to his lips.
This went on for 2 years, he could light a cigarette but
as soon as he was about to put it to his lips the Voice the Advice from a Dead
Priest was in his head. Finally he threw his cigarette lighter into the river
that ran through Cracow, only as he was so angry at the dead priest he
miss-threw it and it hit a girl on the side of her head and she fell in the
street.
Karolina was her name and she was a nurse who smoked like
the devil, or she did till Lech picked her up from the gutter in the street.
She was so angry, yet so beautiful, wouldn’t you be if an oaf, an ox had hit
you with a cigarette lighter. Lech took out his dirty snotty handkerchief and
held it against her head to stop the bleeding. As he apologised he looked into
Karolina’s eyes and she looked into his, what would you do if you were a Polish
girl from Cracow and a huge hunk was looking into your eyes. Well tell me, tell
me right now, or I’ll stop the story. STOP.
Ok, I stopped the story while I had a drink of water,
Girls have you made up YOUR mind, what would you do to Lech? She battered him,
but all the time he held his dirty snotty handkerchief to her wound, he had to
stop the bleeding after all.Then she
laughed and laughed, then she kissed him more and more. Only a fool would
behave in such a fashion taking everything she threw at him, be it blows or
kisses but all the time holding a filthy rag at her face to stop the bleeding.
The church was still open so Lech suggested they go back
and she could wash her face. He also said she could go to confession to ask for
forgiveness for beating him, then they started laughing again. It turned out
she was single and that her boyfriend had dumped her when he found out just
before getting engaged that she could not have children. Lech was angry and
cursed him whoever he was, he even offered to beat the living daylights out of
him. Karolina lost her heart to him at that very second.
In church one of the confessionals had a light on so
Karolina went inside to have Confession while Lech went to find the first aid
kit. Cracow confessions are very quick, to the point and quick. Inside the priest
said all you have to do is give up smoking, and then you’ll find a husband.
Lech is a nice boy Karolina. I absolve you, and for your penance you must
promise never to beat your husband Lech again. Karolina was dumbfounded, how
did the priest know all about it.
Lech came back with the first aid kit and tended to
Karolina’s wounds, she said you have to go to confession now I’ve just been, so
after putting a final plaster on her hear Lech went to Confession. Lech was
about to confess when he heard the familiar voice of Fr. Thomas telling him he
should marry Karolina, but he should stop throwing cigarette lighters about or
he could really hurt somebody. As for having children, Michael Casey the
Birmingham writer who translates into Polish, well he asked Padre Pio for a wife and children, but he left
it all up top God. So Lech just leave it all up to God.
Lech left the confessional as white as a sheet, as if he
had seen a ghost. He looked at Karolina, I will marry you and we will leave it
up to God to see if we have children. Karolina got up from her seat and
pointed, Lech spun around and there was Fr. Thomas was walking into the
sacristy, he was arm in arm with another Cracow priest, Karol was his name in
life.
Lech and Karolina got married as soon has her wound was
healed on her head. She only ever had two pregnancies, triplets, three girls,
then quads four boys, making 7 children in all. Because when asked in the Bible
how many times you should forgive, 7 times? NO 77x 7 times. Karolina forgave
him 7 times, and that was enough for both of them.
this is from march 2011, I may have used it with my Esol students then
Letter of ComplainExampleAddress
Date
Dear
Sir,
I am writing to complaint about
the furniture I bought from your shop. It was supposed to be the very best
quality, but in fact it was total rubbish!
First
of all, the table that I bought was not level, 2 of the four legs were of
different lengths. If I did put my dinner on the table it would have slid off
onto the floor. As for the chairs that matched the table, they were not strong
enough, I sat on one chair and it immediately collapsed beneath me, so I ended
up on the floor, hurting my back in the process.
When
I ordered the table and six chairs for my dining room the salesman a Mr Casey
said that the chairs were so strong an elephant could sit on a chair and it
would not break. Well I am only 150kilos, and I am not an elephant, so why did
the chair buckle under my weight. Was Mr Casey lying to me? And as for the
chairs there was another problem, only 5 arrived? So where is the 6th
chair, has an elephant sat on it and broken it, or has the delivery driver lost
it.
So
in conclusion I demand a full refund, and if when I see my doctor tomorrow my
doctor says I have done any permanent damage to my back then I will be suing
you. So please get your finger out and remove your rubbish furniture from my
home forthwith!
Yours
Truly,
Mrs Casey(a very unhappy customer, and no relation)
This is just a list of my books written that a Publisher can buy up if he is Bananas: These are all the books written by Michael Casey the fat silver haired writer in shades from Birmingham ENGLAND 24-Jul-2020by Michael Casey£7.81Published by michaelgcasey I’ve updated this today 4th July 2020 I’m Michael Casey from Birmingham England, the fat silver haired writer in shades. Beware of Others with the EXACT SAME NAME, they are not me, and would not want to be me … I’ve done loads of writing, about 1,621,000 Words worth over 33 years now But before I started I LISTENED to BBC Radio 4 for 20 years, from the age of 10 or younger Frank Brown our lodger, went back to County Tyrone and he gifted us his Bush Radio. He’d be nearly 100 now if he is still alive, so say a prayer for him 50 years in love with words, and I still look so dashing. I have a picture in the attic, just like Dorian Gray I’ve also had an interest in Politics for 50 years with my dad heckling the tv and Politicians. I almost immediately had a hit, a play called Shoplife was accepted but not finally produced by a Theatre. The Kenneth More Theatre, so thank them for sparing you all. This was back in 1989 yes, 30 years plus ago, the play was written in 1988. So since then I’m more than good enough, as a writer. Anything else….. I also had other high praise, so I ignore all the nasty negative people who use too much alliteration. I also ignore those who just cannot write. Today’s world has much print, but a page will not refuse ink, as my dad used to say. I tend to write Comedy as I’d rather make you laugh than cry I have written over 2000 short pieces of writing, yes 2000 If you include “chats” 2900 samples, the chats do NOT go into my books when I compile them. My first book ,a full length comedy/drama is The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker it is on Amazon 300 and Not OUT is a collection of short stories for all the family it is on Amazon as well.
Today I’ve put them ALL BACK, so you can really suffer, or enjoy, whatever I am actually on book 20, I’m writing it right now. Words 2020. I’ve gone over 1,627,000 words or 8000 pages I’ve just checked you can read my other stuff at
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The Final Cut Of The 19th Hole 26-Jan-2020by MICHAEL CASEY£3.82My 19th book altogether, I’ve reached over 1,500,000 + words now. Here you get 200 pages worth or so. Some surreal stories, and any other stuff as I try and amuse you all. From age 12 to 120, you will laugh, Resistance is Futile. All my books are all Easy Readers to aid learning English as a 2nd Language. But it is my language which I hope you enjoy, being read aloud is the best way to read them. As I write Radio, I write for the ears. I listened to quality speech radio for 20 years before I started to write. Then I began writing over 30 years ago. So that’s 50 years experience, so I’d be no good as an Amsterdam Lady, but I can make you all laugh. And I write mainly for a family audience, as I go cliperty clop on the stairs in my clogs. I write for EVERYBODY, EVERYWHERE. I have readers in over 80 countries no via my websites, and Translations in TEN languages may be read on the same day. Though it may just mean only foreigners like me. Enough, go read this and my other 18 books. I did want Donald Trump to review this. I just pray to God the Pantomime Presidency ends and Integrity and Honour returns. We are all at a Crossroads now….Read moreBuy now
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18 New Views 21-May-2019by Michael Casey£3.86Even more comic tales with a few tears thrown in for good measure 22May 2019 Well I was going to write another 20,000 words before launching this, but life is short so here is 210 pages or so just under 80,000 words My Tinnitus is really tiring as I just cannot get to sleep till Dawn. I suppose God likes the company through the Dark Nights of my Soul. My body aches and Post Quadruple Heart Bypass Pain as well and Arthritis and Ckd make it a hobbled life, I cannot run in all senses of the word. Though I still am a George Clooney lookalike, a 248 pound version, so very appealing, swoon girls and boys. However I can write, and I do get readers in over 60 countries, especially for the Translations I’ve loaded to my site. So as Theresa May is about to get thrown out of the poison chalice that was Brexit I wish her well. She can sit back and read this my 18th book, 18 New Views. Michael Casey The fat silver haired writer in shades from Birmingham EnglandRead moreBuy now
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17 Again 14-Dec-2018by Michael Casey£3.86my 17th book, last of my words written at my old house, with a couple of pieces from the new house. So its an end of an era, 30 years of writing at my old house, lets hope I can write another 17 books after this. Mainly humour/comedy with a few serious pieces to make you think Read moreBuy now
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Sweet Sixteen 12-Jun-2018by Michael Casey£3.86This is my 16th book, Sweet Sixteen. I’ve been writing for over 30 years now, though if you saw my hand writing you’d say it was drunken spiders . I tend to write humour, though I do write serious pieces every now and then. I just go where the wind blows me as I sit at the keyboard and tip toe through the tulips of my memory and imagination. Yes I can throw a pretentious phrase in every now and then just to see if you are all asleep. I write simply because I want everybody to enjoy the words on the page, this is not Latin. I know all about Latin I suffered it at school for 5 years. However it does help your vocabulary, my point being wherever you are in the world, and I have readers in 26 plus counties you should be able to laugh and understand easily. What else can I say, life really is a box of chocolates, so enjoy all the layers that you find in this book, Sweet Sixteen. Michael Casey the fat silver haired writer in shades, well usually, it prevents eye strain in front of the computer here in Birmingham England. p.s. I was a computer operator on DEC PDP 1170s back in June 1978, and I haven’t aged a bit since then…Read moreBuy now
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15 Down 09-Jan-2018by Michael Casey£3.8615 Down is 93,000 more mainly comic words from the fat silver haired writer in shades from Birmingham England. Though to confuse you I’m not wearing shades on this cover, just a double thumbs up. I’ve had 3 years exrtra time now thanks to my Quadruple heart bypass. I write nearly every day, so it’s taken 6 months to write this next collection of short stories. On my website I have readers from 26 different countries, so the humour does travel.If you have a busy life then this book as well as all of the others allows you to have a coffee, other drinks are available, just look in your cupboard, then relax as you laugh. If you don’t laugh, just change your brand of coffee, or switch to green tea, or just drink milk. Thanks for reading this, I just wish you all bought the books, I have teenage daughters and the bill for the shower is enormous. Stay happy and pray for my health, even if you don’t buy the books. Michael Casey or Panzi as my Shanghai wife calls me.Read moreBuy now
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14 Up 14-Jul-2017by Michael Casey£3.86My 14th and maybe best collection of shorter stories, but I say that every time I finish writing a book. I am going to be the next Dr Who, a woman in drag, so I may not have as much time to write as before. So enjoy and read 14 Up, 62,350 words of laughter and pain. mainly laughter though. Michael Casey 15/july/2017Buy now
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New Horizons 28-Mar-2017by Michael Casey£3.86Its 2017 Brexit Day Divorce Day March 29th 2017. I hope this collection of short stories makes you laugh, nearly 100,000 words, yes that many. Donald Tusk got a letter today and was a very sad Pole. However I’ve discover my Polish audience 18,000 plus readers just by word of mouth in a couple of weeks. SO if they laugh out loud I think we can trust their judgement. So buy this book and all of them. This book is in English, though I do have 2 books in Polish for my Polish readers. So laugh out loud all my English readers, and tell Donald to stop crying.Read moreBuy now
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Altogether Now 15-Nov-2016by michael casey£7.72This is the biggest collection of my stories ever. 11 books all squeezed into one, i just hope Amazon can upload it correctly. Its like being in a jammed lift or on the subway. its 3500+ pages or 940,000 words or there abouts. It should make you laughBuy now
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Still Smiling 2017 09-Nov-2016by Michael Casey£3.86Even more mainly comic stories from Michael Casey of Birmingham EnglandBuy now
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Still Alive 2015 04-Jul-2015by Michael Casey£3.86This is another collection of short pieces of writing. Funny and thoughtfully, all kinds of everything if you like. 2015 was a tough year, I had an unplanned Triple Heart Bypass operation, so thanks to City Hospital and Queen Elizabeth hospitals for looking after me.Buy now
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Quick Stories 14-May-2014by Michael Casey£3.86£14.60This is a 450 page omnibus of mainly humorous stories, containing Shorts 2013 & More Shorts 2014 as well as 20 new short stories. I’ve taken those two books off, this way you get better value. Lots of material. I just hope you all enjoy it. http://www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com to HEAR me read some shorts.
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More Shorts 2014 01-Jan-2014by Michael Casey£3.86This is another collection of my short stories, perfect for Radio or as an easy reader. Most stories only take 5 to 10 minutes to read. So you can always sneak a read. IF you are learning English as a 2nd language this book is perfect too. http://www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com to HEAR 127 of my short stories, they can be read from my previous books, such as 300 and Not OUT.
I wrote this myself NO contributersRead moreBuy now
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Well there were a lot of posts on this site so I’ve copied them off and you can read them as Shorts 2013 by Michael Casey on Amazon Kindle. Best of all you get 1st chapter of Tears for a Butcher included, which will be my next comic novel once I get around to finishing it, AS a bonus too you get Chapter 9 of The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker which has my comic slant on Politics. I will be writing more comic shorts on this site, so watch this space.
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300 and Not OUT 09-Aug-2012by Michael Casey£2.36£12.00This is a collection of 300 pieces of me, comic writing. It’s a series of easy pieces of me, easy to digest and will make you ask for more, just like Oliver. You can tell by the food references that I’m fat, in fact my Chinese name is Panzi, which means fat fat boy or PIG I suppose I should say a little about myself, I started writing by accident back in 1987, I had just reached my life’s ambition, I had a nice house for myself. So what next, I stumbled into writing, I had been an avid Radio4 listener for 20years, so that meant I had a good start. One year later I knew how to write, The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker was born. I then tried my hand at writing a play, Shoplife a comedy about the death of a store emerged, I wrote it at the time of the Atlanta Olympics. As I write Team GB have 25Golds, and PM Cameron wishes he could weigh down Nick Clegg with a few golds and throw him in the Thames. Normal daily politics. I try and write funny pieces that’ll make you smile, though sometimes there is a serious piece tucked away inside. I am married now with a Shanghai wife and 2 bilingual daughters, so I try and make fun by explaining our Birmingham Adams family life. 300 not out is a collection of my stories from my soon to be dead site, so immortality beckons via 300 and not Out. I hope you like this and my other books which are on Amazon Kindle, just look for the fat fat boy or Panzi. Cheers, Michael Casey 10th August 2012 p.s. http://www.michaelgcasey.wordpress.com and http://www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com plus http://butcherbakerundertaker.blogspot.co.uk/ are my sites you can also google “michaelgcasey”Read more
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Essays and Plays 16-Jun-2011by Michael Casey£2.36This is a collection of various Essays and Plays Including They are Knocking Our Street, a play based on one chapter of The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker my comedy/drama novel.
I’ve written different kinds of plays and a variety of essays and poetry too. Its a nice book to cuddle up with, either alone or with the one you love.
It’s a good collection, It does not have Shoplife in it, but there’s loads of stuff to read, you should laugh and smile all the way through it.Read moreBuy now
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Blogs 2011 16-Jun-2011by Michael Casey£3.86This is a collection of 100 blogs or comic shorts if you want to be posh. I have had some great feed back from folks on several site where I have tested these out. So cuddle up to your kindle and read them aloud to the one you love. If you don’t have anybody just have a nice glass of something and cuddle up to the cat instead, I’m sure the cat will enjoy being read to.Read moreBuy now
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Shoplife 16-Jun-2011by Michael Casey£3.86A comedy play about a store, It has been called Sparkling, very real, great fun, hilarious, we could not stop reading it, we hope to produce it. This is the play that could have changed my life back in the days when I had brown hair, now as you can see I have white hair. It still is very very funny. Gather a few friends with a few Kindle and maybe a share of beer or Dr Pepper then you can have a Kindle reading of my greatest play. EnjoyRead moreBuy now
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The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker 29-Feb-1988by Michael Casey£2.36£15.00The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker is a comedy drama about a street of shops in Old Forge and Singing Anvil in England . Here’s a flavour Wayne buys a derelict pub and his wife is pregnant with twins , things could not be worse , Mrs Murphy comes to the rescue with a loan , and 2 sets of twins the builders work for nothing , God looks down and helps too , Wayne discovers a hidden cellar underneath the cellar , its full of 40year old whisky left over from the war WWII , the pub was where the local black marketeer left everything . Wayne and family are saved The Undertaker has a feud with the traffic warden for putting a parking ticket on his hearse. On the way there’ a Jazz funeral, a teddy bear called Patrick, a dog called hairy Amjit who has a mind of his own. The Undertaker’s son leaves the business and Percy is at a loss, his son returns with a Prodigal Son plea for forgiveness, “Father forgive me, I now know that computers are not for me, there is no love in computers , but in our business there is love and compassion . The Undertaker tries to blackmail a bent builder who is going to demolish the street of shops where they all live. Peace is restored so the Undertaker becomes the election agent for the builder and takes him on a tour of all the rest homes, so that the builder ends up getting into the Houses of Parliament. The dodge bookie Smiling Paul has a bet on the election and wins 1million pounds. The Undertaker is furious until her hears that Smiling Paul had a road to Damascus experience and gave away all the money to help save the Chinese restaurant business of his Chinese friends. So Smiling Paul becomes a man of honour, and gets a stunning girlfriend on the way, because the Chinese must honour him. .
I finish with a poem from Percy the Undertaker
The Dead and The Living (c) by Michael Casey I first saw a deceased when I was nine years old, my father said not to worry as the dead are the same as the living, only the laughter has left them , the sparkle has gone from their eyes , the worry has been lifted from their shoulders , and their voice has vanished to eternity. In paradise the sparkle will return for it is the twinkle of the stars, the laughter will return too for it is the morning breeze and the turning tides are their sides shaking with laughter.
To Chinese readers, I have a Shanghai wife so if you buy my book we can Visit Shanghai again, see our photo at http://www.michaelgcasey.multily.com My Chinese name is Panzi which means FAT FAT BOY To European Readers if you like Don Camillo you will love my booksRead more
so it won't end up in 2020Words my latest collection, only the "by Michael Casey"
stuff goes into books. I would rather sit and dictate, I could produce 4 times as much
it would be best use of time, I'll just have to wait for that speed typist
so today as Tinnitus struck last night, I'm not wanting to write a full piece ,
a "by Michael Casey" piece. I dumped one Kdrama after 2 episodes
but have found a funnier one, so I'm very happy about that.
Its about a pianist who get dumped at the altar by her future husband, as her own dad had gone bust, so much for arranged marriages. then she buys a flat with cash buy is scammed and loses the lot, a mystery boy saves the day after she crashes her car into him. The actor who was in Its Ok to Be Not Ok, the book agent is also in it, playing a doctor. So I know it will be good. Go watch Kdramas they are really funny and fast paced, usually, with soaring music, and when the girls cry it really breaks your heart. No wonder I want to marry one, and have 4 more kids and form a Kpop band. Yoona started in Kpop and moved into films. But all of the actresses are funny. What isn't there not to like, and laugh.
My twin delight of Politics is coming to the fore with the USA election, how in God's name a clown called Trump got elected is still unbelievable. And as for Gerrymandering, it's like the notice of earth's demolition being locked away in a cupboard on Alpha Centauri in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe.
When Biden wins, an overhaul is required. VOTING IS FOR EVERYBODY and should be made as easy as possible.
Ok, that's enough for today. there ae over 3000 pieces on this site, 2000 I think are stories, so go read those while watch the news and maybe another Kdrama episode
hotel Achat, Ofenbach 2007 or 2008, one of my fav photos, with my big daughter looking in from outside
Just
Browsing, you remember saying that in the shops when an assistant approached you?
Before Online shopping, and credit card fraud and all that. Over here by the
way, only the person whose name is on the card can use thatcard. So this afternoon, it’s 15.42 right now
on 10.10.2020, and the sun has beat the rain it has brightened up now too, right
now I’m just browsing and nibbling on the hedges in my mind, like a goat. Thanks
to Pat and Pete for doing the gardening too, wonderful neighbours of mine. Pete
is actually the guy who wheeled me in for my operation back in Jan 2015, by coincidence
he lives right next door. Luckily for me they have garden skills, I do not.
When we moved in 2 years ago I recognised him, I told Patlast time Pete saw me I was naked on a
trolley, about to have my heart bypass.
So as
you know, goats will eat anything, so I’m just browsing, what shall I alight on
next, like a sparrow gingerly pecking, and hoping the local cat won’t strike.
So I was thinking about Stress Relief. I’m all for letting everything out, if
you keep it inside you will burst. So I can and will curse like a trouper should
the need arise. I am father’s son after all, and in a Steel Works the Queen’s
Englishis replaced with curses loud and
clear and simple over the noise from the furnace. So don’t confuse affability
with stupidity, and yes I’ve written 20 books, and I will give you a round of
*&^^s if you dare to question my intelligence. Clever people swear more,
because a dictionary of pointless prose is not good enough in times of danger.
In times of danger, beware, go read Scrabble Vendetta too, which will be part
of Tears for a Butcher, should my Kpop speed typist ever arrive. And never hide
behind pointless poncy words, that hide.
Yes, that’s
a theme. But let’s move on, any advice on dislocated thumbs, I managed to hurt
my thumb a few weeks ago and it’s still not right. Sliding out of my bed in the
middle of the night, at 2 hourly intervals, after Tinnitus has been beaten, I’ve
ended up as more of a freak as I am already. Just putting down what some of you
may already be thinking. Though in my mind, I wish, I wish, anyway what would
you wish of me?
So I
switch to www.rightmove.co.uk and have
a look around and see what home I’d buy if the lottery came calling, then the
prettiest house becomes my screensaver for a week, or until that house is sold.
Somebody bought that house from under me. Thought it’s a flight of fancy, but a
flight of fancy is better than just feeling trapped in Covid Lockdown. It seems
to me a lot of people don’t have any imagination, I have 1,641,000 words full
of imagination. And it costs nothing, just use your IMAGINATION. Derek MacKenna
and me used a paper clip as a car and the mortar between the bricks was the
road, as the Leprechauns went on a road trip up the wall of Saint Patrick’s school,
behind the church and opposite Dudley Rd Hospital, or City as it is now called.
This was over 50 years ago, and his mother now in her 90s was at my sister’s
funeral a few days ago.
So on I
browse trying to keep happy, and have no regrets, yes, I do things my way, before
my own final curtain. Window shop your mind, look at the house’s website and dream
just how you’d decorate the house. A virtual dolls house of your mind, or you
could play Sims if you can afford such games. Keep your mind occupied and full,don’t let the still waters run so deep that
they sweep you away. You are the master of the boat that is your own fate, cast
the net out again, and there will be more fish. For as our old school motto
used to say, there as good fish in the sea that ever came out of it.
Well,
where do I begin, at the End, at a funeral, as I did in The Butcher The Baker
and The Undertaker. So why be sad, because Sadness is the Death of the Soul.
People make Wills to share out their earthly goods, to make sure they have a burial,
and not a cremation, you can even book ahead, like a Saga holiday. You can have
a Hippy funeral in a wicker basket and be buried under a tree, and let your body
feed all Eternity.
I’d like
to be buried at Trinity Rd church Smethwick, next to the Sikh temple and below
the local postal sorting office. Overlooking the main road, a canal, and a trainline,
and houses that used to where the Steelworks was in Brasshouse Lane Smethwick.
That’s where my dad used to sweat for 40 years, and also where Betty the music
teacher used to teach at the school, but never met our dad just below the Albion
ground. And to top it all the graveyard is closed, and is Anglican, and is half
used by a funeral director, and I try to be catholic.
I feel
the graveyard is too much like a filing cabinet, and another one, doesn’tsuit me. The Graveyards in Chinaare much better, or at the least the one where
my father-in-law is buried, with almost Disney like statues that denote past
lives spent. But I’m not Hell bent on my desire, and I could even get close to Hell’s
fire. I just don’t want to follow any crowd. Though I’ll be dead and so won’t
have much say in the matter, not unless I start saving for a funeral plan.
So this brings
me to my Will. To those who want to snatch and grab anyof my last belongings,
this is what they’ll get.
To Amanda
who loves to whine, you can have my purple bucket, the one I used to pee in, as
the bathroom was just too far away. Call it my bucket list to you.
To Peter
who wanted to steal my jottings, I leave a blank USB, because I never make
notes, just write it down till I finish, so go write your own stuff, lazybones.
To Slim
who thought I had no dress sense, I leave my size 46 inch pants, but not my
recently purchased elastic braces, he can use string instead.
To Judy,
who once punched me for my cheek, Ileave
my old underpants.
To Johnnie
the doorman, I leave £1000 to pissup
the wall, he was a real person, not a graspingliar, I could always look him in the eye. We had much in common, such as
working security.
I want
my Rosary beads put in the coffin with me, as forgiveness comes through Prayer,
so while in the ground I can keep on praying.
At the
Wake, their will be no wake, just go to Subway and buy your own sandwich, and
follow your nose to the pub next door.
Though if
my readers far and wide hear of my death, will they then stop sending evil time
wasting emails to me, all not in English.
Will
Japanese, Korean, and Chinese girls drop rose petals on my grave, as my readers
are fetched after all.
Will I
have finally met another love, married and have 4 more kids, and formed Kpop band.
Would they all gather around my grave and sing and dance with sadness in their
eyes. Oh Fat Daddy Oh Fat Daddy, why did you leave us, so soon
Will my
ashes be catapulted via my old braces over the road and rail line and end up
buried at sea, in the canal in Smethwick, just by where the Cock Inn used to
be. Or will my ashes be flushed down the lavatory, and will it really matter to
you or me?
How do
you want to be remembered, and does it really matter? Having kids laugh as they
remember you, and never fear you, now that’s the best memory or all. Let them
laugh, and let them smile, as your name is mentioned. Now that’s all that
really matters. Remembered Laughter,so it
doesn’t matter what happens to this fat silver haired writer in shades from
Birmingham. If you smile and laugh at the mention of my name Michael Casey,
then I’ve not been wasting my time writing all this stuff, or have you all had
enough?
