High Noon for Three Santas ©
By
Michael Casey
Lech, Boris and Gregorgi have been visiting this Christmas time, they said they only came to see Totoro the cat, as they have so much in common, Vodka. They also need to bring a few bottles home of the new batch for Miss Slapalotoff their old school teacher, just so she has some next to her Kalashnikov under her bed. Totoro of course likes to run about in the woods now that they are so close. Being a Ninja cat she likes a bit of vodka too, so naturally Lech, Boris and Gregorgi love her as if she were a dog. They do bring a bit of shopping for me as well, that’s a Slavic bit, enough to fill all my cupboards and freezer space, as if we were expecting a siege. They did bring some long johns too as they know I feel the cold more. They would have brought some long johns for Totoro too but she has her own fur coat, which has gone very fluffy lately.
All in all we are all happy, they drove the water bowser all through Eastern Europe and through France and Germany so that they could bring the new batch of vodka home in one go. If may be technically illegal, ok totally and utterly illegal, but they say its holy water if anybody asks. As the writing on the bowser is in the Cyrillic alphabet if they say it’s holy water then it is holy water, besides at this time of year they are fully bearded up, just like monks, so would monks lie?
So the boys decided it was time to go, so they climbed into their bowser and Totoro jumped on Lech’s shoulder like a witch’s cat though it was not Halloween. With that they were done, like 3 gunslingers and a cat. They parked the bowser on double yellow lines, nobody would steal it or move it. Then they wandered around the Christmas Market, lots of Polish voices from the stall holders, even though it was called a German market.
As you know Lech is big because he is Polish, Boris is Ukrainian so is big and very tall, he cannot hide, and then Gregorgi is just so very very wide, as wide as the Russian Urals. They are all first cousins where their lands met and merged. So you can imagine when they strode down the street it was like a wave breaking on a beach, or like an ice breaker against the crowd. One old lady grabbed Lech’s coat to steady herself, Lech spun around and smiled. Make way for the lady, so her linked his arm with hers. Never in all her life could she feel such energy, a giant of a man linking arms with her, if only her husband was still alive. So she started to cry.
As she cried the boys looked on, she reminded them of their teacher, Mrs Slapalotoff. So Boris got her a drink of beer, and Gregori got her a sandwich. Tororo climbed down and sat on her lap purring, the old lady smiled. God Bless you she said. They waved goodbye, but not before leaving 2 more beers for her to drink and another sandwich, Slavs love their old people. Maybe that’s why the boys like me, because of my silver hair.
The boys carried on looking at all the things to behold at the Christmas market, people looked back, they were so big and bearded after all, and why was there a cat sat on a shoulder, jumping from each giant to the next. It was so noisy, then Totoro leapt, had she seen a rat in the crowd? No she had heard a woman cry, about all the noise Totoro could hear a cry and a scream. Totoro raced up an alley, a woman was in distress. The boys followed, the woman was going to have a baby, all the excitement and bussle had brought labour on weeks early, she’s been a stupid woman to visit the market, while she as so far pregnant. But Jezza always called her stupid so she was trying to prove him wrong, so she would have her baby in the street.
The boys immediately knew what to do, so they delivered the baby, but mother and baby still needed to get to the hospital. Totoro had in fact bitten the umbilical cord off before the boys could get a knife from their pocket. And yes the woman’s name was Mary, Mary Theresa. But she would name her baby boy Lech, Boris, Gregorgi, Totoro Cameron, for Cameron was her surname. Next Gregorgi held Mary Theresa in his arms with Lech and Boris in the lead, a human snowplough though the crowds. Tororo jumped from shoulders to shoulders making noises like a rabid cat, the crowds parted and mother and baby were handed over to a standby ambulance.
It felt good, they had done a good deed, Mrs Slapalotoff would be so proud of them, they mused as they had a celebratory beer. No she would slap us for looking at a half naked women, she’d say we should have closed our eyes and delivered the baby that way. They laughed, but it was nice to have a baby named after all of them, but what kind of name was Cameron?
The boys moved on through the market, you bleeding pooh, you dirty bent bastard. Somebody was cursing, not blessing this Christmas season, a small man, ran into them, he was scared beyond belief. 3 large men were after him. One each said Lech, one each said Boris, one each said Gregorgi. Stepping forward the boys blocked the cavemen’s path, they did not like bullies, not at home and not here in England.
Out of the way you fat gypsies jostled the cavemen. Let me shake your hand and wish you a merry Christmas said Lech, let me shake your hand and wish you a merry Christmas said Boris, and let me shake your hand and wish you a peaceful new year said Gregorgi.
Watching from a safe distance the intended victim saw what happened next, the cavemen’s hands were taken and twisted and the cavemen were spun around and pushed against a shop window. At home we have a word for people like you, it’s a very long word that you would not possible be able to pronounce not unless you have been to the East.
The boys gently pushed the cavemen into the shop window, their squashed faces were seen on the cctv inside. In English we think the word is Nazi Bully, and you can only imagine just how much we hate Nazis and Bullies. So will say this once, being afraid of somebody because you don’t understand their way of life does not give you the right to torment them ever. We could be Gay too, though our wives know we never could be, but we all have brothers and uncles and friends who might be Gay or are Gay. So can you just be nice and not nasty, nasty Nazi Bullies only die in the end. With that still pushing the three cavemen against the shop window Lech, Boris and Gregorgi spanked them just as Miss Spankalotoff has spanked them all those years ago, though that was for calling Dimitri four eyes. Then they released the cave men, the boys then blessed them just as the Bishop does back home in the East. Dimitri went on to help build the rocket for the USSR space missions, he still sends them postcards.
The victim has filmed everything and seconds later the three Slavs were national Friends of Gays. But they only had done what Miss Slapalotoff had instilled in them, Love everybody, a Slav is always your brother no matter what the difference. As they walked further around the market smiles greeted them. They were 3 Slav kings spreading Peace and Goodwill, though now danger was just around the next corner.
A couple of drunken lads had bet each other they could climb the Christmas tree, so they were up it like a flash only their weight made the tree sway and what happens when a tree sways. Rock a By Baby by the tree top, when the tree sways the baby will fall, or so the rhythm goes. Now the two lads were swinging from the Christmas tree they were going to fall right on top of a mother with a baby in a pram.
A scream from the mother, a gasp from the crowd, death and disaster at the Christmas market. Two cheeky lads falling the Christmas tree to their deaths, killing a mother and baby below. But NO. Miss Slapalotov had also instilled team work into the boys. Lech to the left ran and caught one cheeky boy. Boris to the right ran and caught the other cheeky boy. Gregorgi ran to push the mother out of the way. But what of the baby in the pram? Totoro had been sitting on Gregorgi’s shoulder so Tororo leapt and pushed the pram out of the way.
A miracle, 3 Slavs, 2 cheeky boys, a mother and a pram with a baby in, and no deaths, all thanks to them and a cat called Totoro. The crowd erupted, this was what Peace on Earth was all about. Totoro was rewarded with the bottle of milk from the baby’s pram. The boys told the mother that breast was best, and she agreed, today was her first and last ever attempt a formula milk.
So the boys stopped for a few more drinks before coming home. The three Slavs had come from the East to bring Love and Peace and Goodwill to all men. And I think they had achieved it. As they made their way back to the bowser their old school friend the rocket man Dimitri shouted from the crowd. He’d been at the market and had shadowed their every move, he thought they’d been fantastic. In fact he’d phoned the space station to tell Tim Peake the news, as he just loved stories.
When they got to the bowser their was a parking ticket on it, so Dimitri made a phone call, he had friends in high places after all, not just in Space. A policeman to take the ticket away, then a police inspector. What’s inside asked the inspector? Rocket fuel lied Dimitri, flashing his NASA badge, he worked for them now. Ok, said the inspector. When the inspector left, the boys and Dimitri had a toast of rocket fuel drawn from the bowser.
If Miss Slapalotov knew you’d turned into such a liar it would be you who’d have been spanked not us. I’ve been keeping an eye on you stills from Space you know. The boys blushed. Just make sure you add me to the list of people who get a bottle, oh and one for Tim Peake, he’s almost Russian you know.
