Lech, Boris and Gregorgi Chase a Thief ©
By
Michael Casey
Popaloffoff
is the name of Lech, Boris and Gregorgi’s home village, where Poland, Ukraine
and Russia make love on the map. It minds its own business and likes it when
others do the same. It does not matter is it Polish or Ukrainian or even
Russian territory, it’s Popaloffoff through
and through. Everybody knows each other and any of the 3 languages will do. But
American dollars are preferred, that is always best the world over.
The
Priest in Popaloffoff is called Tolstoy, yes really, he always has a Bible
story to tell, it’s up to you the reader to decide which kind of story you
prefer, a Tolstoy epic from the writer, or a Bible story from Tolstoy the
Priest. Tolstoy the Priest always wears rose tinted glasses, not because he
poses like a Pop star, or because the Bible makes him see things differently.
But for a far far tragic reason, you see Tolstoy only has one eye. There was an
accident or should I say incident, Tolstoy lost his eye when he was a young
man, a young priest sent to Popaloffoff to tend the sheep.
Tolstoy
had and still has a fierce Faith, when the tide was turning in the War, the
Nazi bastards were retreating, the people of Popaloffoff feared they would come
and destroy their church, and their village. Anything to destroy the Soul of
the people. Tolstoy said he’s take the Holy Icon out of the church and stand at
the Pass in the mountains and pray that the Evil Nazis went away, went back
from where they came from. So in the middle of Winter Tolstoy stood for 15 days
holding the Holy Icon aloft. Mary Mother of Popaloffoff protect us. And so she did, Tolstoy lost two
toes and 2 fingers due to frostbite, but the village was saved from the
retreating evil. Tolstoy put the icon back in a leather bag and was still
saying the Rosary when he heard a motorbike.
A Nazi
SS man had wanted to see what was at the end of the Pass, so he had taken a
motorbike and went alone to see what was what. Tolstoy spun around, you cannot
pass, this town is under the protection of the Mother Mary, I have her icon
here. The Nazi SS man laughed and drew his dagger. Tolstoy was tired and weak
after the 15 days standing in the snow. So she has her eyes on your nothing
village. YES said a defiant Tolstoy. So if she has her eyes, then you don’t
need yours. Then the Nazi SS man stabbed Tolstoy in his right eye, leaving his
dagger in the socket. Tolstoy screamed, his scream set off an avalanche, the
Nazi was swept from the pass, only his motor bike remained. Tolstoy’s blood
formed a cross in the snow, not an Iron cross, just a Holy Cross.
Tolstoy
took the motorbike and rode down the mountain to the village, they were safe,
the pass was blocked and the retreating Nazi bastards would not bother them.
The Blacksmith in Popaloffoff removed the dagger and used a red hot horseshoe
to cauterise the wound. He did make sure the horseshoe was the right way up, so
the Priest could say it was good luck. And that is why Tolstoy wears rose
tinted glasses, so as not to frighten people with his looks.
The
Icon was returned to the village, and left in a place of honour. As for the
Nazi bastard, the wolves had his body for dinner they are not picky who they
dine on. So life went on in the village, minding its own business, until Tolstoy
was crying from his one eye saying that the Icon was missing. This was over 70
years later, Tolstoy was still the Priest and though a bit slower, he was still
loved so much. Lech, Boris and Gregorgi came running. Our icon is missing.
Now let
me try to explain, an icon is not photo of your favourite footballer, or a
selfie of a President and a Dictator, though it can be hard to tell which is
which. An Icon is something you treasure, like a wedding ring, or memories you
have of your mother. It has value thousands or millions of times greater than
it’s worth. As a work of Art and Love and Prayer combined it is in fact
Priceless. In fact some Icons if sold would fetch millions of dollars, and
Professional Criminals use Art of a way of moving money, like Bearers Bonds.
And yes
Popaloffoff’s icon was Priceless and worth many many millions, in fact when
Andrew Graham Dixon, England’s greatest Art Expert happened upon Popaloffoff
when he was on a hiking and food holiday with his Italian friend, he cried for
30 mins nonstop. Tolstoy had to give him a hug and Bless him. Andrew Graham
Dixon was so overwhelmed, when he was allowed to examine it, he wondered about
the blood stains on the back, so Tolstoy explained how he’d lost his eye and
some fingers and toes years before. Andrew Graham Dixon cried even more. Then
his Italian friend shared a recipe with the women of Popaloffoff, then
everybody got blind drunk, if you excuse the expression.
But
now, but now the Holy Icon of Polaloffoff was missing. There had been a bus of
tourists, who had had visited the day before, but they were long gone. That’s
if it were them, but who else could it have been? Mother Mary of Popaloffoff
Speak to Me, Hear my Voice, Hear my Prayer said Tolstoy the Priest, tears still
streaming from his one good eye, as he fell to his knees in the middle of the
square outside their church. Bori, Lech and Gregorgi sunk to their knees
besides him, soon the entire village were on their knees praying. Mother Mary
of Popaloffoff was moved, Tolstoy could hear a quiet voice in his head, I am
always with you. Do not cry, an Icon is nothing, compared to my love.
Tolstoy
shook his head, I know, I know forgive me, but we want you back where you
belong, here in Popaloffoff. Mary smiled, Tolstoy smiled, he’d bring her back
if it was the last thing he did before he died. WE RIDE said Tolstoy as he got
to his feet, Lech, Boris and Gregorgi wondered what he meant. They followed
him, to the shed by the church. Inside was the Nazi’s motorbike, still in mint
condition. There was no time to argue, Lech and Boris sat on the bike with
Gregorgi and Tolstoy squeezed into the sidecar.
As they
roared off they sent a text message to Andrew Graham Dixon, our Lady of
Popaloffoff STOLEN. That’s all it said but they knew he would help. In fact
Andrew Graham Dixon sent a message to every Art Collector he knew, nobody could
attempt selling it on, and if they did Andrew Graham Dixon would know and he
had friends in Interpol. This was Sacrilege, then he cried, before having his
beans on toast, with lobster and a Guinness.
The
trio of cousins did not know where they were going, they were just doing as
their old priest told them. When they got to new main road they stopped. Left
or Right? Tolstoy took off his rose tinted sunglasses and looked to the
Heavens. A tiny voice in his head told him Left, so they went left. The Trio of
Cousins wondered what was going on, but said nothing. On they rode, further and
further away from the village.
They came
across a car with a puncture, so they stopped to help. They had to be good
Samaritans after all. They did not have a jack just a spare tyre, so Lech,
Boris and Gregorgi lifted the car while Tolstoy helped change the tyre. A
family with a baby thanked them, as they were about to go Tolstoy asked had the
baby been baptised. No, was the reply, so on the spot Tolstoy baptised the
baby, with Lech, Boris and Gregorgi as Godfathers. The family were deeply
touched and shouted God Bless You as they rode away.
See a
Blessing, said Tolstoy. But Fate and Evil always rears its ugly head, they were
running out of petrol. They stopped at the side of the road, and what appeared
coming from the opposite direction. A gang of Hells Angels. Tolstoy said, God
is Good, as the Hells Angels approached, but he reached into his boot and
brought out the dagger the SS Nazi had put in his eye. He’d kept the dagger all
those years, now maybe he’s need to use it to defend himself.
The
Hells Angels circled and pulled over besides them, Tolstoy took off his rose
tinted sunglasses. Perhaps they’d be impressed by his scar, they were. One lady
on a bike actually puked. Then the leader of the Hells Angels spoke, Hi I’m
Wayne from Fort Worth, we are on a biking holiday, how can we help. They were
tourists on a trip of a lifetime.
Tolstoy
explained. Son of a Bitch, said the Hells Angels in Unison. Wayne texted his
friend in the FBI, those bastards wouldn’t sell the icon in USA, or his name
wasn’t Wayne Duke Hazzard III. So the Hells Angels said they’d ride with them
part of the way. They had some extra petrol so they’d all be underway. Tolstoy
asked could he ride pillion with somebody as he was a bit cramped in the
sidecar with Gregorgi. So Tolstoy rode with Mary-Beth.
As they
rode Tolstoy asked, did she enjoy being a Hells Angel, she replied it was a bit
of fun at weekends, as they had no children. Tolstoy remarked you have the
breasts for a great mother, Mary-Beth laughed but there was sadness too in her
laughter. So Tolstoy silently prayed for her and all the Hells Angels. Further
up the road they went their separate ways. But first Tolstoy Bless all of Them,
may Our Lady of Popaloffoff protect you. He also showed them a photo of the
icon.
Little
did he know, little did the pretend Hells Angels know, what the future would
bring. And on they rode, Tolstoy listening to the quiet voice in his head which
was leading him to the Icon. It was getting dark, and they would have to stop
for the night. But there was no room at the inn, a Beer Festival was taking
place, so everywhere was booked out. But they were welcome to stop in the hay
loft above cows in the barn.
So they
did, and luckily the cows did not complain about the smell, in their leathers
they’d managed to get very smelly. In the middle of the night there was a
commotion, one of the cows a prize one at that was having difficulty giving
birth. The Inn Keeper came out running in his night shirt. He was so worried
for has Beauty, for that was the name of his cow. Lech, Boris and Gregorgi knew
what to do and they must hurry. So Tolstoy gave them the Nazi’s dagger and they
cut the cow out, before sewing the cow back up again. Blood everywhere, but in
fact two cows were born, one in fact a bull, that’s why the mum was having difficulty.
When the boys had finished the vet finally arrived. He was impressed to say the
least.
The Innkeeper
was delighted and in the morning made breakfast for all 4 of them, himself.
Then Tolstoy said Mass in the carpark for everybody, and everybody said God
Bless, and the cows in all the fields mooed in unison. Lech, Boris and Gregorgi
wondered would they ever catch the Icon thief, but Tolstoy always said God was
Good, and still the little voice in Tolstoys head encouraged him. In fact the
voice was getting stronger, so Our Lady of Popaloffoff Icon was getting closer
to them.
They
continued along the road, and there was nothing but fields, fields and fields.
Then they noticed a sign, Air Strip this way. They stopped the bike, in the
distance was a small aircraft. Fly, Tolstoy Fly was what the old priest could
hear in his head. So the floored the motorbike, went as fast as they could go.
But it was too late, the light aircraft was going to take off.
But
then Luck shone on them, the light aircraft turned around, it was heading
towards them, it had been taxiing to the end of the strip. Now they had a
chance. A chance to play chicken. Lech headed straight for the plane. The pilot
thought he was mad, and so he was. You never steal from Popaloffoff, and never
from a church in Popaloffoff, and Our Lady of Popaloffoff Icon belongs in only
one place, Popaloffoff.
Tolstoy
stood up in the sidecar and took the Nazi dagger from his boot, then he prayed,
guide my hand Mary of Popaloffoff. He threw the dagger into the engine as Lech
passed underneath the light aircraft. 70+ years ago the icon had saved village,
now he would save the icon.
The
plane stopped, and the engine caught fire, luckily they had a fire engine at
the strip. Unlucky for the pilot and his 2 passengers there were Police galore
hiding. All 3 bad guys were arrested. You see Andrew Graham Dixon and Wayne had
both contacted Interpol and the FBI immediately. It turned out Art thieves were
on a road trip, but now it was the end of the road, or rather the end of the
airstrip for them.
So
Tolstoy was reunited with his beloved Icon, and several more were rescued. As for
the dagger, Evil had been turned to good. One of the Policemen knew of a motor
bike museum, so the Nazi’s motor bike was retired too, after it had been turned
from Evil to Good. Then Tolstoy and the boys were given a helicopter ride home
with the icon.
Tolstoy
held the Icon of Mary of Popaloffoff aloft and then sunk to his knees in
praise. It was decided to put a laser alarm around the icon, the strange thing
was though that Tolstoy could walk through the laser without setting it off.
Our Lady of Popaloffoff knew he was a friend after all.
There
was the sound of thunder, coming down the mountain when she comes, singing ai
ai wippy ai ai hey, as she comes. This was 9 months+ later you see Mary-Beth
did have breasts for children. She had twins, and every other biker chick had had
a child too. Mary-Beth liked to ride a bike, but, well, you know. So Tolstoy
baptised all the babies, and Lech, Boris and Gregorgi suddenly had even more
Godchildren. They all had new leather jackets too, on the back was the image of
Our Lady of Popaloffoff with the Logo “Our Lady of Popaloffoff Angels”
