Writing a Letter of Complaint

Writing a Letter of Complaint ©

By

Michael Casey

Yes, I know how to castrate with my pen. I will be polite 2 or 3 times and give a company a chance to sort out their mistake, then I press the nuclear button. It works, trust me it works. You may have to persevere but in the end it works. I’ve written 2 this morning already. Ok, I just pointed out people’s mistakes and told them what they should have done and how they can make it up to me.

Obviously as this is a talk I’m giving to you I am also using my artistic license, if you have something you should always use it. So here in these paragraphs I’ll give you the straight and boring version and then I’ll digress. First thing use email and keep every email you send, open a folder to keep your emails in. My pot of Shamrock did not arrive so you email Paddy’s genuine Shamrock company in Albania, it was cheap that’s why you bought it from them but it did not arrive.

Then when they ask you to spell your name C A S E Y  you write everything down as if they were 4 year olds. Assume they are bored students on plant food, sorry legal highs. Yes it does sound condescending, but if you have paid 2.99 for superb shamrock from Albania, the home of Mother Theresa, then you are entitled for it to come on time. By the way my sister has met two saints, JPII and Mother Theresa. Me I’ve only met 1000s upon thousands of sinners.

I digressed then, when you are complaining you must never digress, it just confuses them. You must must be like a pit bull with a burglar’s balls in his mouth. So AFTER the 2 or 3 Polite emails you turn into Jack Nicholson in that film where he has the axe, I know the name but as homework I want you all to find out, especially you Boris. Drinking 7 bottles of vodka in a week is not allowed, especially as it was Holy Water my sister had brought back from a holy place for me.

So after the polite messages you find the mail address of the CEO and you talk to him alone. Google email addresses of CEOs and Bob is your uncle, enjoy. Dear Sir your Cretinous staff based in some cheap non unionized country, NeverNeverLand or wherever it is have failed to send me my splendid shamrock priced 2.99. You must always write FORMAL COMPLAINT in the subject box, because the shareholders may know nothing but they do count FORMAL COMPLAINTS. Then you normally get action, as CEOs will testify.

Sadly sometimes the staff are not only on plant food but have not even been trained so they don’t check the complaints folder. Or am I being naive or is it cynical? The quality of the training shows in the quality of the answers you get. Once a CEO is involved you usually get action and fast, that’s if he can trust his underlings. Yes there are female CEOs too, but saying underlings is not a nice word use with female CEOs, it’s like rice and chips, they don’t mix, ok Boris I know you will eat anything and wash it down with my Holy Water.

If anything does go wrong after the CEO is involved you have saved all the emails as evidence, and you can quote things back to them. I worked in a computer room since 1978  so saving things is second nature to me. So there you have it, 3 strikes and the normal staff are out, and if they are on the plant food, sorry legal highs they are never in to start with. So after 3 tries you annoy the CEO. And then you will get action, even if you have to act like that pit bull.

Yes there is a club, We had Michael Casey email us, a bottle of Holy Water is hidden in the bottom drawer of a few CEOs. I will say though one company was fantastic and I still use them and would willingly recommend them. I have them in pectore so that’s enough praise for them, they don’t want a swelled head like Boris after all the Vodka or was in Holy Water?

Oh, before I forget I also email “famous” people in the vain hope that one of them has a sense of humour and then with the 7 degrees of separation I may get noticed and have Kenny Everette’s spot on the radio. All I have so far is a spot on my, on my, well that’s why I’m sitting side saddle today as I talk to you. So I hope you have all enjoyed today’s talk. I use a variety of styles as the Muse takes me, all in an attempt to amuse myself and my readers. And if you don’t like what you hear you could try sending me chocolate which I’ll accept in lieu of a formal complaint.

Autumn 2017 is here

Autumn is here schools will be going back soon, I have tidied up my site but you can find loads of stuff on my other sites if only you look.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC/ref=ntt_dp_epwbk_0

here's something from Jan 2013 its in 300 and Not Out  , if memory serves.

Stuffing Tony©

By Michael Casey

Stuffing Tony, what am I talking about, no not our tame turkey whom we've decided to eat, nor anything else. Tony is in fact a soft toy, he's my small daughter's favourite, the one she loves the most. He's a white tiger, he was in fact he was her sister's Birthday tiger from a few years ago, but she cried until she owned him. Tony is a very washed out bleached kind of tiger. Tony has been through the washing machine a couple of times, he was very very dizzy when he came out. Yesterday Tony got a brother, his brother is a ginger tiger, now christened Ginger. Ginger makes us laugher because Ginger is how English people call my wife if they cannot pronounce  her Chinese name.

Tony is one of 40 stuffed toys the girls have, they live up a corner behind the sofa which is just behind me. They are allowed out to form a class when my small daughter plays teacher, afterwards they climb back into their Iceland bags and go to sleep. There is a problem with Tony though, he's lived in the fast lane and lost a lot of weight. So following strict instructions, today I have done a stuffing transplant, which is like a heart transplant but much more important and dangerous. Today without any sedative I have made Loony Chick donate some stuffing to Tony. I took the scissors and make an incision   in Loony Chick’s behind, I then proceeded to remove the stuffing. I had previously made an incision in Tony’s neck at the back, it was then  a process of removing from Loony Chick and stuffing Tony.

The whole procedure lasted 20mins, Tony now looks very plumped up and proud, as the leader of the pride should look. As for Loony Chick, he, she or should I say it now looks as if he’d had a few dodgy kebabs, very slim, but at least the head still looks plump. When the girls come home from school we’ll decide what to do with Loony Chick, should we stuff him with chopped up old clothes, or bubble wrap? Or should he face the death sentence and be sent to a Charity shop, I  know it sounds cruel, but since he came back from Shanghai in 2009 he’d mainly been a cushion.

These are the very serious things a modern parent has to deal with, luckily I know how to sew, and I have a special relationship with all the toys. Now that Tony is full and looks like a weightlifting Tiger I hope Ginger won’t be jealous, otherwise one of them may have to end up in a zoo, or the closest equivalent, in one of the 13 charity  shops near our house.

https://michaelgcaseyfrombirminghamengland.wordpress.com/contact/ 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1 

Perfect Pitch another piece from 4 years ago

having a rest and doing a bit of house hunting despite the pain, so here's something from 4 years agoand I'll try and write a new piece tomorrow

Perfect Pitch ©

By

Michael Casey

In music perfect pitch is where you sing really well, hitting the notes exactly as they should be, or if you play an instrument you play perfectly well. I believe John and Yoko’s son has perfect pitch, I heard it said on the radio.

Behind me is the piano where my girls practice and where they have their music lessons. Some of the tunes they play take me back to my childhood, the girls are surprised I know the tune, I even sing the song to them. In our house Music is important.

The girls joined a church choir after their primary school took them to visit the church. So that has been a great thing these past  few years. The lady from the choir is the same lady who comes to our house to teach them piano.

Pianos make a lot of noise, they resonate throughout the house, our piano, an electronic one also has pedals, and the girls know how to use them. One pedal extends the sound, the other pedal cuts it short. If I have explained this wrong, then forgive me.

Piano lessons,  mean practice.  You have to make sure or even force the student to practice. It all depends on your student. For me sitting four feet away from the piano as I talk to you, it can be very noisy with a daughter behind me practicing.  A little boring too as they repeat five times over the practice piece.

Now for me  the best bit is when they improvise after the practice piece. My smallest daughter is very good at improv. This is where the Vangelis in her comes to the fore, and where the electronic sounds can be used on the piano. I have in fact just switched Vangelis on as I talk to you, I hope he doesn’t drown out my words.

Music is freedom, as I’ve said before Jazz is smoke turned into music, so listening to my daughter improvise is a great thing. Finally when they are  finished the house slumbers again. But not for long, as I have my music on the computer, and on a usb  stick in my cheap but great sounding hifi behind me on the bookcase.

So are we noisy neighbours? You’ll have to ask the neighbours, but our neighbour is a musician, and teaches violin, so I think she’ll never complain.

Now Pitch Perfect the title of today’s piece was going to talk about pitching an idea, and  pitch perfect was the title as it could have a double meaning. But I’ve led myself astray a little, just a little.

I had to pitch an idea, a script to be honest, only the other day. It’s a hard thing to do, especially if you have to do it in one page. So what did I do? I cheated,  I chose a small font size so I could fit in more words. Ask a writer to say less is almost impossible, it’s like asking an alcoholic to stop drinking. And I know all about alcoholics, we had lodgers and they were all big drinkers.

So how do you pitch an idea? In the end you cannot, all you can do is be honest and tell the story of your screenplay in as few as words as possible. I imagine the one page pitch is faxed to the backers and if they like it they ask for the full script to be emailed to them.

 Then in a jacuzzi  somewhere a moneyman is reading your script  as he drinks his orange juice or whatever. If he drops it in the water then you have failed, but if he gets out and sits to read your script, then you have a chance. He may even ask his mum or wife or daughter  to have a read too. Then you have a chance.

I am also trying to get my words on the radio, so how do you pitch for that? As I talk to you Vangelis is turning smoke into music, perfect pitch from Vangelis, Love theme from Blade Runner. Music is so great if only I could play or even sing.

Back to pitching for radio, what have I tried? Well I put my best 4 pieces together as well as my poem “Let my Tears be my Words” and with a bit of background and then I’ve sent it off to a radio station. I hope the 4 pieces I’ve pitched touch the radio station’s heart. I’ve also sent some audio and some video, so they can see and hear me as well as my words. It was them who asked for video and audio, so I hope I look and sound ok.

If you go to Amazon Kindle and look  at Michael Casey writer page then you can judge for yourself. 300 and Not OUT is my lead book for radio. The radio idea I’ve called 90 Seconds with Michael, because a short piece can be read in 90seconds. Which may mean I can sneak into radio, because it’s only a short piece. There are longer pieces too, maybe 500 of them.

In a way this pitch perfect piece is two pieces, one about music and one about words. Will my words be music to their ears? I really hope so, this has been 20+25 years in the making. I just hope I’m not tone deaf.

Casey Film School

Casey Film School ©

By Michael Casey

Now in our house we watch loads of films, 5 a week and more maybe, and with Sky+ box you can record many more. I watched loads as a child too, in black and white in them days. I think I was 25 before I bought a colour  tv for the family. Children nowadays won’t watch anything not in colour.

I saw a documentary on tv with Keanu Reeves, the programme was all about Film, as in the physical piece of material that goes through the camera. It was comparing film to digital. There always is a “look” to a film, I used to say you can tell if a film is rubbish just by the credits.

The old fashioned Technicolor as in Robin Hood, had colours so rich it was as if a child had used wax crayons. Then there are washed out colours for effect, to give a feel and a meaning to a film. Some films are so dark you can hardly see a thing. Alien the first one seemed so especially dark.

Most films I’ve seen on tv, we do have a good tv, I spoilt myself 20 years ago and got a good tv, I was earning good money then and I had interest free credit for a year. Toshiba is all I will say, just go to John Lewis, get free 5 year guarantee and get a Toshiba. Our current Toshiba replaced the old one a few years ago.

Now does the average person notice all the nuances of the cinematography? I’ll say no, though I’m still on a learning curve myself. I’ve watched a ton of films and as my girls grow up we  talk about Film in the advert breaks, 3 mins on satellite, but if we have recorded the film we zap through the ads.

Do  you like the way the actor does this or does that, could you see where the scary bit was going to happen. Could you see how something was telegraphed? Telegraphed things are probably the most we’ve talked about. I hope I don’t spoil the joy of the thing with all this “Casey film school” material.

When you have seen Maltila, or Willy Winka or The Mummy, all versions, then you too will become a little film buff. We really hate it when ITV4 cuts the bit from the Mummy where they haggle for O’Connor’s life, just before he joins them.

Getting back to the documentary, can modern digital technology be trusted to give a good look? Technology gets better and better and will be good enough for everybody in 10 to 15 years time. This is what I’m guessing after listening to the experts. You also have to save some of the machinery so that in the future you can actually read the film in whatever technological format it has been shot.

Modern cameras, digital cameras are so light that you can go anywhere with them, Danny Boyle was talking about one of his films and he had 10 cameras for one section of one of his films. I didn’t know that normally film cameras only have enough film in them for 10mins of acting normally. Then they have to cut.

So imagine the actor has to get himself all worked up and in the zone then the film camera has to be reloaded. How can the actor get back to where he was emotionally after being stopped in mid flow.  It’s like having a streaker in the middle of an event, it would certainly put the vicar off his matins. So how can an actor be expected to get back to where he was.

Now with digital the actor, male or female or both, can keep on performing without fear, it’s not as if mom is knocking at the bedroom door demanding entrance, while sonny is with Cher doing the same. So digital allows uninterrupted performance.

The look and feel of the film is almost the same as Film, because digital is improving so much. As an audience we may hate the look however filmed because the film may look too trashy, or too slick, and so on. The director and the cinematographer must have loads of discussions on how to get it right, but when it IS right it really IS right.

But this now brings me on to the most important thing of all, THE WRITING, speaking as a writer, awaiting news on my 1^st screenplay for a film, I think it’s the writing which is the most important thing. If the story is weak or badly told then no amount of pretty looks will save it.

It will look like a commercial, a bad commercial. Film scripts as such are very bare, mine isn’t it gives plenty of direction. I’m hoping its idiot proof and that the director and cinematographer can just tell the actors “say the words” and if they follow their nose WE will have a success.

Perhaps I’m a little naïve, a virgin on the bed of cinema. However a writer is taking a chance that the film of his book &/or script matches what was in his head and was put on paper. In a way the writer writes the score and the director then has it in his head. And just like a conductor the director is getting actors and cinematographers and everybody else to play their instruments, their bodies if you like, so that the result is Mozart.

When it works it really works, just as Amadeus really worked, the look, the style, the music, the words, the everything. A director has to be like a general, a prostitute or a pimp, just to squeeze out the right performance.

It all starts with words on a page, then with pictures and together you have FILM.

 ***********

this was from 4 years ago when I had a very slim chance that a low budget film guy would use the finale of The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker as a film. It did not happen. However if you are Spielberg do get in touch or buy a million copies of the book. Somebody in USA is a regular reader, it may be somebody in a super max prison, I have no idea. It may even be Trump or his young son. Please just buy some books then we could finally move home after a year of failing to find a place. Ideally a 4 bed house with 2 bathrooms, and space for a dog. Well God is Good, I'd settle for the end to all my Arthritis pain and my post unplanned quadruple heart bypass pain. So I've had 2.5 years extra time thanks to surgeons, but in the of the night I have too many dark nights of the soul brought on by pain. 


p.s. I miss Shepherd Smith of Fox news and a bit of Charles Krauthhammer if either you get to Birmingham you can buy me a pint and I'll explain The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker to you all, and as I once said I'd put Shep in Tears for a Butcher the sequel as a tourist.... 

Finding a Bargain a new comic story for you all

Finding a Bargain ©

By

Michael Casey

We all like a bargain and some may say our wives and lovers are the best bargain we ever make, especially when you get 2 for the price of one. I was listening to Abba’s The Visitors album again on Spotify hence the opening remark. There is a song on the album about a lonely hearts advert, just go listen to the album.

What I’m really going to talk about are shopping bargains, I should remind you I did work for ACNielsen for many a year. Though I was just the paper stacker in the computer room, and a bit more. ACNielsen will explain about shopping habits they live in Oxford, Headington to be exact, that’s if memory serves. There was that plastic shark sticking out of a roof of a house nearby, I remember that and the company sports day.

Anyway Market research types like to talk about varieties of shoppers, just as bird watchers divide birds up by plumage and mating habits. Old Mrs Smith is a hoarder, she may have been a whore once before, but for the purposes of market research, and she really knew her market, by hoarder we mean she takes advantage of the market. If there is a sale of crisps she will buy as many as she can carry, even the horrid smoky bacon flavour that she hates. Not because she has a religious objection to bacon, but because nobody can get the taste right. Smokey bacon should be against the Geneva Convention.

So she hoards whatever is on sale, she just cannot resist a bargain, that’s what they said about her in the war, but she was just doing her duty as she said to the Magistrate. He gave her a ride home in fact, but we’ll just leave that there. People like bargains and their brain disconnects when they think they are getting a bargain.

 I bought 10 packets of sage and onion stuffing, even though you don’t ever stuff a chicken. I bought 10 pints of milk even though I live alone, because it was 1/2 price and only 1 day left on the use by label. So you end up giving it to all the neighboring cats, and all the children think you are a witch, which is fine as it keeps them from loitering around your council house. We thought there was a witch living near our local park when we were kids, I’ve just remembered that, but in those days everybody had a milkman who came to your door. If you google Ernie The Milkman by Bennie Hill you will have a treat, I used to play rugby with Garry Marshall and he was a milkman’s son.

People are stupid and buy one because they get one free, even though they don’t really like the product. Now what kind of shopper do you think I am? Yes I buy all the bargains, such are 3 for 2 or buy three and save money. However I will eat and enjoy all and every morsel, my eating habits have improved these past 3 months and the level of crud in my bloodstream has slightly improved according to my latest blood tests. Quality food does cost more but the taste is so much better and it does seem to have improved slightly my health, and my daughter did get great exam results, was it the better food?

Online is King too, buy your Winter clothes in Summer, and your Summer clothes in Winter, just as the shops want to strangle the buyer for buying too much in the first place. You are saving a life and you make great friends with the courier. Courier employment is a major growth industry and the boys and girls really do work hard.

Toilet paper is a big thing in our house, yes I have a great big arse, you are all so kind, but so does Donald Trump, look next time he is on tv, and decide who is the bigger arse, me or him? Ckd means I use more, so we buy in bulk 48 rolls at a time Costco. My wife said I was using too much, I asked did she want me to use both sides, or maybe hang it on the washing line then use it twice. Yes an old joke of my brother’s from 50 years ago. To save my wife time I discover a bargain online and we got 108 rolls in 18 roll jumbo packets plus free kitchen roll. We were sitting, I said sitting, on jumbos for weeks  until we had room in our pantry to store it.

Yes a jumbo mistake really, but toilet paper never goes to waste. And we got 30, yes 30 free rolls of kitchen towel too, personally I’d use the kitchen towel on my bum too, but my girls like paper towels for their hands. Should the 108 rolls of toilet paper run out unexpectedly then, my girls will just have to dry their hands on Totoro our cat.

I never waste anything either, if I buy it I eat it all, yes I know you all kind of guessed that by the size of my stomach. If you are poor you don’t waste a thing, and if there is anything left over the cat and dog can fight well like cat and dogs over it. See we are very ecological in our house, well the Christmas turkey had to be shared by 13 after all. And when was the last time you heard of a supper shared by 13?

Finding a Bargain here's a cat story while I sleep

It's too late to write this now, but I just had a thought so tomorrow 30th aug  I'll write
 Finding a Bargain  so come back in the afternoon.

here's our cat when we first had her TOTORO  and her story while I sleep

The Witch’s Cat who fell to earth ©

By Michael Casey

It’s Halloween today and now is the night of Halloween into All Saints day in the Morning. But what of this morning when it was in the still of the night and as pitch dark as a witch’s hat or black pot. Things go bump in the night, and they did, a loud bump to be exact.

BUMP, it went, BUMP it went, BUMP it went, the house shuddered in the noise. What could the BUMP be, then our burglar alarm went off. So I jumped out of bed naked, me and PJs don’t work, I only wore them in hospital. So I bounced out of bed and put my suit of armour on. It literally is a suit of armour, I had it ready for Halloween, now I’d use it to frighten any burglar.

Then I headed for the stairs and fell down them, I was the biggest bump in the night. I checked the perimeter before switching off the alarm, it’s hard to switch off an alarm while wearing a gauntlet. I sat down and heard the cat miaow. It was Totoro our cat, she had been asleep on top of our tall fridge, and decided to go for the long leap, and set off the alarm.

It was her who had fallen to earth not a witch’s familiar, though she would make a perfect witch’s pet. My small daughter came down wondering what was all the noise for, I explained as I put the kettle on. It was 4.30 am and as pitch black as our old coal shed, but it was always a good time for tea.

Upstairs the secondary alarms were still ringing out, so my big daughter went to switch them off. When she came back she asked where had the cat gone. My small daughter ran upstairs to close the window, closing the door after the horse had bolted if you like. Only Totoro had escaped into the dark of the night. She literally was a cat on a hot tin roof, or rather a slippery moss covered roof.

So small daughter hung out the window beseeching Totoro to come back, she tried to bribe her with treats. Meanwhile at ground level I reached up to the roof and asked Totoro to jump down to my outstretched arms. Big daughter brought a chair for me to stand on, only Totoro did not recognise me in the suit of armour.

Totoro disappeared out of my view. Upstairs Totoro had jumped down onto our neighbour’s roof, and it was only by manic shaking of the bag of treats that Totoro was encouraged to move back to our property.

Meanwhile big daughter was getting out our ladder from under the pantry, only she had first to move our stockpile of 48 rolls of toilet paper, which was on offer at Costco. Then she passed out the metal stepladders. I climbed stiffly up the ladder in my suit of armour only to hear small daughter shout triumphantly that she had rescued or rather bribed Totoro to come inside.

So we had a collective sigh of relief and finished our cup of tea, it was 5.00am The cat had not fallen off a witch’s broom, though it had cast its spell over us all, we had danced to its tune, it was witchcraft, and if only it could turn my suit of armour into some nice XXL Pjs.

Steven Hawkins Film Brief History of Time and all that

Steven Hawkins Film Brief History of Time and all that (c)
By
Michael Casey

Well the film was very good and Eddie deserves his Oscar. I was deeply touched by the content and the use of Music. Hawkins is 10 years older than my eldest brother who went to Queens Oxford. My other brother went to Downing Cambridge, we have a photo of my brother trying to row on the Cam.

So the setting hit a chord, as did the handicap. I went to school with somebody who was "twisted" but improved a lot with physio, some of the lads were right bastards to him when we all first started at school. And yes he was very very clever too. I met him at a school reunion maybe 20 years ago.

So watching the film did bring him to mind. My own diseases and battles with pain also came to mind, and I realise I protest too much, but its not a competition as I don't believe in stiff upper lip and so on. If you are in pain you should scream. and I do mainly at night as lying down is my own minor crucifixion. No doubt the holier that though crowd will complain about my choice of language.

Having just written that sentence I've remembered a Peter O'Tool film,  The Ruling Class so find that and then complain about my use of words, its a 1972 film, I just googled it.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dgosa7wkfY   I just discovered its on Utube, judge for yourself.

Steven Hawkins is a tough bastard, and good luck to him and his "wife" and family, everybody deserves to be happy. What more can I say, I enjoyed the film but I could never live in a wheel chair and speak with an American accent. I won't make the obvious joke about American accents. As for space theory I know nothing. I do know one thing about disability, it's God's way of making us all consider the least of our brethren and in his way he's raising two fingers up at the uncaring masses, who barge past the least in society. Its such a pity the talent is wasted on him, its wasted on that man in a chair, or with whatever other disability there is.

No it is not, its to remind us all, to love and cherish each other in whatever package our spirit is gift wrapped in. I will never sell 10,000,000 books like Steven Hawkins, I may never even sell one, but I do have one thing in common with him. I never ever give up.