Copywriting or Lying for Beginners

Copywriting or Lying for Beginners ©

By

Michael Casey

Salman Rushdie is famous for writing “Fresh Cream Cakes Naughty But  Nice” what he did after that peak you’ll have to Google. Me I’m a writer and I try and give a humorous slant on everything I do, though sometimes I’m serious, almost.

Words have meaning, words have power, words lie, words tell the truth, those are some words from a poem of mine long ago, you can find it amongst my books on Amazon Kindle. Who knows you may even find Salman Rushdie hiding amongst Amazon Kindle.

Copywriting is about telling a story with selling in your heart, as opposed to just plain old storytelling. My daughter has restarted reading the Brothers Grimm, now they knew how to tell a story, blood and guts and princesses too. Something for everybody in their tales.

I had to write a one page pitch document for a script of mine, 4 months later I’m still waiting to see if my pitch worked. Pitch writing is hard, what do you say, what do you leave out, what do you leave in?

It’s like doing a photo shop on yourself, is my hair right, should I comb it this way or that way. Should I pluck my eyebrows, should I do a stupid writer’s pose, why are writers’ fists glued under their chins? Technology can come to the rescue.

As for your words, those you have to do for yourself, pick out your best bits and hope people like the way you’ve put it on the page. 50 Shades of Grey puts things a different way, many a different way, but that appeals to a different audience than mine.

So what do you highlight as you try to sell your book with your blurb? The comedy, the pathos, the stupidity, your writing style? Who do you compare yourself to, in the vain hope that audience will then buy your book? I like the Brothers Grimm and I also like Don Camillo. But that’s from 60 to 160years ago, so am I losing my potential audience already? Only immortals will read me.

What I’m trying to say is that if you like them, then you must like The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker. If only I could get David Mellor to entice the audience for me, or Andrew Graham Dixon, get the two of them drunk on Stella Artois and get them to talk learnedly about my words. A Sunday afternoon full of praise for me, or rather my words.

We all hope our words are funny, and perhaps our prose is poetic, as one NY Poet did once say, as did one of our Pakistani Esol students  say too. It’s getting folks to read the blurb in the first place, that is the trick. So is it sex or violence or laughter that hooks the casual reader, what should you highlight?

I have recorded  100 of my shorts from my other books, I’ve even put them online at www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com so there in cyberspace are 100 examples of my words so people can judge me from afar, they can mock or laugh with me from the comfort of their own home.

Then you agonise over, is my voice too high, or is my voice too deep? To my own ear I sound like a lad, an ignorant lad. See I’m being honest, but immediately people will pick this admission up and use it as a stick to beat me with. However my poet friend in NY, she said I had a good tone, she liked my voice. My daughters say I sound like a news reader. The only way to find out is to listen. Somebody else said I sounded like Terry Wogan. So God Help Me, I’m ruined.

Adventures in Pinyin

Adventures in Pinyin (c) by Michael Casey

By michaelgcasey

Adventures in Pinyin(c)

By Michael Casey

My big daughter is doing her Deans Award soon, its a singing thing for those of you who don’t sing or don’t go near a church. She has a head start due to Betty her singing teacher. Betty teaches singing at Saint Hilda’s, so twice a week my two daughters get singing lessons, then on Sunday the real thing. My daughters also have piano lessons from Betty. Betty is 84 now and I believe deserves an OBE for all her industry.

So there was the Dean’s practice yesterday and my daughter did not get back till 9pm. So while I was on the computer I was thinking what next should my girls be introduced to. Pinyin came to mind. Both girls speak Chinese/Shanghai already as most of you already know. My big daughter can 1/2 understand IMs from Birmingham  to granny in Shanghai already. So it would be nice if she could read/write Chinese too.

Traditional Chinese would be too much of an ask, however Pinyin offers hope. So I browsed Amazon for books. I should say I once did email the Chinese Embassy but got no reply. I had hoped they would recommend books we could buy. So  now I’ll try Amazon. I have in fact ordered 2 books. Amazon will no doubt suggest many more, once you click on anything they know what you like and offer much more of the same.  Outlook is boasting the fact they don’t read your emails like Gmail, but they do Judging from the adverts and targeted mail I get. Try GMX mail and see what they are like.

One of the books I’ve ordered is little stories with Traditional Chinese, Pinyin and then English plus vocabulary. So I’m hopping that’ll encourage my girls. I do have a hope that I could do the exact same thing using my shorts in 300 and Not OUT plus recordings from www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com but going from English into any other language.

The best I can do is wo ai ni but it’s been enough for our marriage and 2 daughters. However to be able to write to the Shanghai side of the family would be good and in the future when our daughters grow up being able to speak Chinese and write it through Pinyin would be a great help to themselves. Or they could just follow Carrie Gracie or the Sky news girl, a Casey correspondent in Shanghai, and get free dinner from grannie.

Like all bilingual children daughters get scolded in Shanghai/Urdu/Japanese then reply in English. I just want them to take advantage of their advantage. Being pretty is an advantage too, but we make sure that  they know that looks are really transitory. They won’t be spoilt like Verruca  in  Charlie and The Chocolate factory, not by us anyway. I do look forward to being a spoilt OAP myself, that’s assuming everything  stumbles to a happy conclusion.

So I’ll be boring you all with updates on the Pinyin progress. And don’t forget you can always read my stuff on Amazon Kindle just look for the Panzi, this is my Chinese name, it means FAT FAT BOY.

Winter's Coming

Winter’s Coming©

By Michael Casey

I decided yesterday that Winter was coming. How did I decide that, or should I say notice that. It was on the school run that my head and my big ears, and I do have big ears, felt cold. You can pull the hood over your head, but then it makes crossing roads more dangerous. If you have a hood up you cut down your field of vision.

So on the way home yesterday I promised myself to dig out my winter coat. So today I’m wearing my winter coat, and will be wearing it for a few months.  It makes me look as if I’m about to go skiing, skiing in Birmingham. There are a few hills where I live, but none as large as those in the Alps. So I may look the part especially with my shades on too, but sadly no après ski in Birmingham.

There is a freshness in the air too, you still cannot see your own breath, which is always fun from a child’s perspective, but your ears feel it.  So you have to dig out that silly woolly hat to go with your geese down coat. My daughters told me that my woolly hat was a woman’s woolly hat. I don’t agree or care about the gender of my hat, so long as my head and ears are warm.

Gloves are also required, now that Winter has poked it’s tongue out at us. I have 4 old pairs, I never throw things out, I’m not a gloves collector. My favourite pair is a red thinsulate pair, only they had holes in. So I had to sew my gloves back into life, sewing does actually give life back to our things. Gloves, socks or shirts we put new buttons on. By sewing we restore and renew our simple things. We have a favourite thing our mum gave us or knitted for us, we don’t want to throw it out, so we dig out the sewing kit.

Yes I can sew, every man should sew. Silas Marner did and so can I. I’ve just reminded myself of the film version, that would be a nice film to watch again while the Winter does its best outside, or the original book by George Elliot would be a good book for my daughters to read.

With Winter coming my attention turns to the shoe rack, I’ll dig out those horrible old clunky pair of brown leather shoes. I really hate the look of them but they are so good in Winter weather. I had some old proofing wax in the bottom of the sink unit, next to the old original bread bin, an antique now, just like me, anyway I squeezed the end out of the wax and proofed those shoes. So in theory those shoes will survive anything Winter throws at them. However there is a problem, and a slight stink, the proofing wax came from my last trip to Ireland and may be 20years old. It’s been under the sink in a tin for 20 years.

All in all I’m ready for Winter, our local shopping street is ready too, the Christmas lights are installed. Let’s hope the local council can afford to switch them on.

The Cat's away the mice will play

The Cat’s away the mice will play©

By Michael Casey

Mum is off to London in the morning for training for her new job. So what will me and the girls be up to? Haven’t decided yet, but its half term too, so staying up late watching films or the MTV channels beckons.

We watch loads of films already, we must have 40plus on our Sky+ box. But we’ll have fun and sweets, and maybe an illegal bag of chips or a kebab. Remember the girls follow Chinese diet, even though Shanghai and grannie is 5000miles away or 8000km if you are metric. So non-Chinese food is a treat.

We like Elementary and Body of Proof, so that’ll be on the list for tv shows to watch. Or Coraline for the 20^th time. Stardust will be on the Disney channel so that’ll be watched again for the 10^th time. Stardust has a name on the crew who’s reading something of mine, but that’s another story.

So getting up late and feeding the girls will be the start. Piano practice in return for a treat afterwards. In the army you have to do 100 push ups, in our house you have to read 200pages. Only then can you move forward to fun. Monopoly might put in an appearance , just as it did 45 years ago. I’m recreating the fun and love that I had as a child so that the girls will do the same when they are parents themselves. Monopoly down the generations.

I do of course have to tell them that orange juice is bad for them, otherwise they’d steal all my juice. Phycology is always in the parent’s armoury, or if you prefer how to lie to children for the sake of your own peace and quiet. They mustn’t do x y or z or their nose might drop off, or if the tv is too loud their ears might drop off.

Parent’s always say these things, just watch Disney channel if you don’t believe me. Once the children are fed and watered you can settle down together to enjoy a show on the box. Is it going to be live show as my Shanghai wife calls it, or one of 40 programs recorded on the Sky+ box. In a way we are spoilt for choice. 

Then there are the ads, 3 minutes of ads on non BBC channels. At least it means I can keep up with the news or weather while the ads are on.

Then there are the toilet breaks because we have had too much drinking chocolate. At least Sky+ has live pause so all toilet emergencies can be fitted in. Or when mum rings us from London we can pause the tv while we chat with her.

Then satisfied with our tv watching I can hunt the girls to bed while I watch the press preview. So I assume everybody reading this will be doing the exact same thing. The only difference is that everybody else will be eating Chinese as a treat, but chez nous it’ll be chips with everything. Happy Half Term everybody.

Waiting for Saint Jude's Storm

Waiting for Saint Jude Storm ©

By Michael Casey

It feels as if we are Americans now, we have a storm coming and it has a name. Saint Jude. I had to look at my religious calendar to my right before I saw where Jude had come from. 

In 30mins it will be Monday 28^th  and that makes it Saint Jude’s day. I got the calendar for free I should add, just as we have a Chinese religious calendar in the kitchen, handy for all the kids activities.

I’ve put everything that can fly away, so that it doesn’t. I’ve even picked up a few stray cola cans from the street, so I’ve done my best to keep us safe. My father actually saved the undertaker’s son’s life, and all because of a stray cola can.

The can had been squashed by traffic, then as the undertaker’s son was crossing the road  a beer wagon from the brewery had run over it and sent it flying, cutting the undertaker’s son on the leg, so he was flat on his back in the street. Just then another beer wagon was thundering down the road with beer barrels rattling. The sun would have set for this son. Only my dad stepped into the road and dragged the son to safety.

I put this story as part of the fiction , into The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker my first book. This all happened 25 years ago and more. When my father died years later the Undertaker’s son was able to thank my father properly, as only an Undertaker can. In death my dad looked 10 years younger, thanks to the son he saved.

So now the clock is ticking and we hope and pray Birmingham and the rest of the country are spared from the wrath of Saint Jude. My mum used to shake Holy Water into the storm asking it to be quiet. I’m sure many prayers are being said, by many Faiths an none, in number 10 too, we could all do without this storm.

We are all united though, we’ll look after our old nan and make sure we keep all our kids out of harm’s way. One death is one too many, and that death has already been reported. So wrap up tight and stay home, lose 3 hours pay and play with the kids. Only when the BBC weather says the worse is over, then venture out.

For tomorrow is another day, and let’s hope Saint Jude does the impossible, keeps us all out of harms way.

All you need is love, or I'm not in love

All you need is love, or I'm not in love ©

By Michael Casey      

 I was looking through all the newspapers online, as I always do,  I stumbled over this piece in The Guardian. It was all about Japan, their low birth rate  and how in the future their population could drop by 30%. From 120m to 80m. So what you may ask?  In terms of economic affects you could lose your position in World Trade. Then who will look after the old in future, they’ll be no money in the kitty to pay for the top heavy demographic, nor enough carers to go around.

The problem in Japan and it is a problem is that the youth, and I mean the under 40s, they don’t want to be troubled by sex, love and relationships. Being single has too many benefits, such as career and fun. In Japan the norm was stay at home mum once the baby arrived, and now nobody can afford that life. Two wages are needed to have a good life, so marriage is a bad deal over there.

What is worse though is the fact people don’t want to kiss and cuddle and more anymore. Manga games, having fun, going out with the girls, or with the boys has so few complications. So the desire to hold hands in the rain, to make babies or even just practice making babies is dying out, as is population growth.

In Ireland they call it “the urge” and it gets you in the end, and you start your family, in my own case when I got past 40. My relatives too were over 40 when “the urge” caught up with them, by which time we all had enough money saved so we could all afford to start a family.

Jump to Japan, and I don’t wanna hold your hand, I’m not in love, big boys don’t cry, and why? The Guardian piece mentioned how lack of a religious aspect meant people did not have any “pressure” to make happy families. So freedom to do their own thing leads to a single life for me, as happy as can be.

I can understand this especially from a female viewpoint, now in Japan females can be as free as a bird, but for men and women this can lead to crash landings. Yes you can have a sex takeaway, dial a sex, or whatever you want or need, but in the end this is always so empty and worthless. In the article in the Guardian the reporter even met people who said holding hands almost sickened them. I don’t wanna hold your hand.

Intimacy has been taken off the menu, replaced by technology, when I fall in love with you it will be forever, replaced by forever alone. Stand by your man, replaced by Annie get your gun, he’s a low down bum. Love is all you need, love conquers all, Cinderella loses her shoe at the ball, only nobody is interested in picking it up.

This really does sadden me, the human spirit has been replaced by nothing, nothing, a vacuum. In space nobody can hear you scream, not even noticing the smile, the curves of a woman, the laughter in her voice. Not noticing a man and how badly he shaves, not interested in even talking to him, he is worthless.

Japan needs to finds its soul again, perhaps they need to read my rubbish. Love is a home, listening to each other, laughing together, leaning close together, conspiring together. Two becoming one, and then maybe three or four.

Perhaps we should bring the Rose of Trallee to Tokyo or line dancing. Dancing frees the spirit  and brings us all to life.  Perhaps they need some wild Irish music and Stella Artois. I’ve never been to Toyko but I’d love the chance to teach them Irish dancing, which will lead to romancing.

Alarm Clock

Alarm Clock ©

By

Michael Casey

The alarm clock sounds and you curse, it cannot be morning already, it’s still dark outside. It’s always dark outside, you had blackout curtains fitted because of all the streetlights, but you forgot about that. So you stumble in the darkness to switch off the alarm clock. Only you trip over the book by your bed and stumble forwards and grab the curtains to stop yourself falling over. Bringing the curtains down off the rail, so you are covered like a parrot’s cage.

I am the alarm clock in our house, my daughter sleeps like the dead. I’m the furthest away from her clock in my room down the landing, or should I say her phone clock. So I shout “ get out of bed sleepy head” only the clock or rather phones still chimes on. So I have to get out for the comfort of my bed, to wake her up. Her school starts early so I have to raise my “dead daughter” so she can eat and shower before school.

Then I can go back to my warm bed for a while, until I have to wake the other daughter. Schooldays mean school runs, which is a  4  mile walk a day, I used to do 5 miles a day when I worked at CPNEC hotel, so this is less.

People have different attitudes to getting out of bed, do you curse and ignore  the alarm?  Or do you switch it off and have just 5 more minutes, which ends up as 30 minutes, and you are a stripper in reverse as you leave the house and run for the bus, because you are late.

I love watches as you all know, is it because of this that I have a good wake up attitude? Am I part watch? Or part clock? I just get out of bed, and get on that bus to work. Luckily I’ve always lived close to town, so it’s not a long journey, which allows me 30mins to an hour more sleep than those who live further out of town.

Being a dad now I try and encourage the girls to be organised, have the clothes and schoolbag ready, no last minute things. Then in fact you can have a lazy breakfast and catch that bus. If somebody is picking you up you are all set and ready to go out the door. Never keep anybody waiting, and always be on time. Or is that old fashioned nowadays?

If you are excited and about to go to Shanghai, then you will wake up on time and early even. You have to or you will miss that plane. Your body, or rather your brain tells you to get out of bed, fun and adventure beckons. Though if you were on Death Row, you just wish tomorrow never comes, you don’t want to wake up. Which is exactly what does happen, after you wake up, you’ll never wake up again, thanks to the executioner.

So how do you help your daughters to wake up, you have 3 alarm clocks. The radio, the phone and the Winnie the Pooh alarm clock. Oh I forgot there is a 4^th alarm clock, me, DAD.  As the girls sleep like hibernating bears, so all 3 clocks sound and it’s only the ballerina like steps of mine as I dance along the landing that actually wakes them up.