Christmas Was Cold
Christmas Was Cold ©
By Michael Casey
Christmas was cold, and Kevin did not like it, he didn’t like it one
bit. The agency had said they had a job for him , it was a temp job and it
involved a lot of travel, and it paid well, very well.
So Kevin took it like a shot, he’d been unemployed for a while and he
wanted to bring some money in so he could go on holiday to some place any place warm. They had said he’d get a free
holiday as part of the package IF he took the job.
He arrived at the port and went into a warehouse, he’d be interviewed in
there said the agency. He looked all around and he could see nobody, nobody at
all. Then he heard the sound of boots echoing behind him, he spun around to see
and elf approaching. He laughed, the man in the costume looked so silly.
Only it wasn’t a man in a costume, it was a real elf, only Kevin was too
stupid to realise it. He’d never seen a real elf in his life. The elf looked
Kevin up and down, he half smiled. Kevin was fat, very fat, the kind of fat
where his belly was bursting his belt, it wasn’t overhanging his belt, that
would have been disgusting. No Kevin was fat, perfect fat, for the perfect job.
The elf asked him did he know why he was here, and did he have his
passport with him, the usual stuff when you apply for a job nowadays. The elf
walked away with Kevin’s documentation in his hand. Kevin looked around
the warehouse it was empty, full of nothing.
Full of nothing as far as stupid people could see, if Kevin could use
his eyes then he’d see that the warehouse was brimming with people and every
kind of thing. This was Christmas warehouse. The elf returned holding a Santa
suit in his hand, Kevin laughed, so that was the job, Santa at a store. Well he
needed the money so he put the suit on.
Kevin felt dizzy, he had to lean on the elf for support, he had stars in
his eyes, he was seeing things. The elf took a glass of water out of his pocket
and Kevin drunk it willingly. Noise and fireworks appeared in the empty
warehouse. Kevin fainted.
Kevin awoke in another world, in Santa’s world, now he could see that he
was in Santa’s workshop, there were elves everywhere. He must have been
drugged, he rubbed his eyes and felt his face. He had a beard, a long white
beard. He’d been drugged and transformed into Santa, suit and all.
The elf explained, that only a man with a perfect belly could stand in
for Santa at Christmas. Kevin was the chosen one, he was the man, he was Santa.
The real Santa had broken his leg while skiing in Birmingham, so Kevin was the
standin.
The elf went through the Health and Safety rules, HO HO HO, always 3 HO
HO HOs, other than that there were no Health and Safety rules. The reindeer
would explain everything. Kevin looked around he could see no reindeer, the elf
led him outside to the dock.
A submarine surfaced and the sleigh and the reindeer emerged, reindeer
can hold their breath for such a long time. They are waterproof or
seaproof too, the sleigh has water repellent paint on it too, made in the paint
factory in Birmingham, you know the one just down the road from the reindeers
friends in Ladywood Fire Station.
Kevin was impressed this was more like James Bond, he high fived the
reindeer, they licked his new beard, that’s what reindeer always do to Santa.
The elf smiled he was sure they’d get on well. The elf answered the unasked
question, why the submarine?
The submarine was to get into countries where Santa was not welcome,
North Korea was one of them. A sleigh would be spotted on radar, so Santa would
sneak in and shower love and happiness and hope amongst the people.
Kevin shed a tear, he was Santa now, so his heart felt the things Santa
felt. The submarine levitated and turned/merged into a bigger sleigh, a very
large sleigh. Eat your heart out James Bond, Santa has much better toys,
literally.
Kevin shook the reins and away they went into the night sky, Kevin ho ho
hoed his way around the world. His fat belly was too big to get down a lot of the
chimneys, but that’s where the reindeer came in, they formed a team, a tug of
war team and pulled him up and down the chimneys.
The reindeer could of course get down all the chimneys, they held their
breath and wriggled their bums, it was easy for them they had been doing it for
centuries. That’s why your Christmas trees get nibbled in the night, it’s the
reindeer, its hungry work flying around the world with Christmas presents.
Kevin, or should I say Santa realised why he needed the beard, it kept
him warm, it got cold, very cold flying high in the sky. They did stop on the
River Po, just to say hello to Don Camillo, he was a priest but sometimes he
was on the naughty list, and sometimes he came off the naughty list, depending
on what he and the mayor had been doing.
The sleigh/submarine had a never-ending supply of presents, Kevin, I
mean Santa got into the swing of things, the reindeer sung carols, 1000s of
them in lots of different languages, they were a carol jukebox. Some brought
tears to Santa’s eyes.
Dive, dive, dive they had to sneak into a country to bring Hope and
Love, no presents just a loaf of bread. The reindeer didn’t nibble on any
trees, as Christmas trees and Christmas itself were banned. The reindeer cried,
but there was always Hope.
High and Low, Up and Down the sleigh went over the face of the earth,
Santa HO HO Hoed, tonight Christ was born, a new light had entered the world.
The work was done, the world had been crissed and crossed, the reindeer
headed back to the warehouse. As the sleigh landed Kevin’s beard dissolved, he
was Santa no more. He looked around the warehouse, the elves were dissolving
into nothingness, the reindeer trotted away still singing Rejoice Rejoice
Emanuel.
Had he been drugged, was this all an hallucination, it couldn’t be he
felt Love in his heart, he had been Santa for a night. As he walked out of the
warehouse his footsteps echoed into sky, Kevin looked up and could see Santa in
his sleight, his crutches besides him, and the reindeer still sung Rejoice
Rejoice Emanuel.
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