Surviving the Summer Holidays, Part One

Surviving the Summer Holidays, Part One ©

By Michael Casey

Ian Dury the singer had a song called Reasons to be Cheerful Part One, so I’ve used the idea for today’s title. If you haven’t heard his music go to Utube or your music store and get an album. Ian had a disability but that did not get in the way of his Life, he is worth a google. Now what am I actually going to talk about is Surviving the Summer Holidays, and if I survive them there will be a Part Two.

So your kids are off school, and what’s the first thing they do? They look into the fridge and say, “there’s nothing to eat” the fact that there are at least 6 different food items or menus inside does not matter. Totoro the cat is sat on top of the fridge peering downwards hoping to sneak inside if the girls are not quick enough in closing the door again. Totoro has leapt into the fridge before, she has even climbed into the cupboards too, that’s why they are now sealed with tape. My girls, your girls, everybody’s girls look into the cupboards and declare like Old Mother Hubbard that there is nothing to eat in their either.

So they put their puppy dog eyes look on, and demand you go to the corner shop for chocolate, what’s it with chocolate, girls love chocolate more that life itself, certainly more than boys, but ponies are a 2^nd best after chocolate. So I have to slip on a pair of trousers over my slob PJs and go to the corner shop, the things a dad has to do for his daughters. I should add we live in Birmingham, the Cadbury’s factory is just down the road from us, so if ever you visit the Cadbury’s factory you can thing of us.

You hide the chocolate in the freezer box so it’s cool, on a hot day this is a good tip, put your chocolate in the freezer box for 30 minutes before your girls devour it. Make some ice cubes too, ready for their cool drinks, so they then think you are a cool dad, otherwise they think you are worse than useless.

You have to do your daily shop, but now for the next six weeks you are feeding your pigs too, no school dinners to satisfy them it’s up to you to bring something home that’ll keep them happy, or grunting happily. The food bill triples too, you have to buy a pasta this or a pasta that, not forgetting a cereal which is 90% chocolate at least, it must have all RED on the food Traffic Lights on the wrapper. 

You have to buy healthy food for them, all GREEN on the food Traffic Lights, apart from the chocolate tasting cereals. Some of the foods you can eat yourself, others you want to eat but your daughters insist it’s bad for you, so you cannot have it. You try having a daughter who wants to be a Doctor in the family. Not forgetting that they are rice eaters because they are ½ Shanghai girls, so they are very slim, so they are allowed to pig out with sugary foods, because normally they eat rice every day.

I’ve had a coffee break, very weak instant coffee with milk, no sugar. As I pass by the living room the girls are perched on the sofa reading, so I ask what do they want to eat today. It’ll be pasta with tomatoes, buy ten I’m told, I tell them they get how many are in a packet in Aldi. They want beef mince too, so it’ll be some mixture of pasta and tomatoes and the beef mince, and you can bet they’ll say I cannot have any, as it would be bad for my heart.

Celine Dion is singing Refuse to Dance in the background, you didn’t know she is a neighbour, well she isn’t, it’s from my music collection on the computer. Refuse to feed dad could be a song, as that’s what I get, often. Thought if they make too much then and only then am I allowed to have their food, I get the slops, only because Totoro the vacuum cleaner cat does not want them. How do you know your children love you? They give you their slops.

The children’s rubbish is like the tide it starts in their room and is washed up on the shores of the living room downstairs or on the steps of the stairs itself, before abandoned books and scarves and single shoes clutter the room where you do your writing. You me anybody, gets up from his writing chair and immediately trips up over a shoe, then Totoro who’s been hiding underneath the chair you are sat on jumps out to play claw your ankles. You scream in fright and the girls laugh and come to rescue the cat from you the BFG.

Alone in the bathroom the cat comes in to watch you, you never get any privacy, even less in the Summer holidays. Girls, your girls any girls leave their perfume everywhere, and not just the sweet smelling variety, all the chocolate and mince beef and 10 tomatoes pasta  has its effect, its own perfume. So you have to rush to open the window, while Totoro the cat decides to play with your dangling down trousers.

In the evening you wife the worker comes home, so you can hide now, as she berates you for the state of the house. It’s the pigs fault you say, you should have supervised is the reply. Perhaps we should build a pig pen in the garden, before she can reply Totoro appears from her sleeping place in a South facing window, so Totoro gets a cuddle and you are forgotten.

This is the kind of average day for a dad on Summer holidays daughters duty, I hope you you’re all enjoying the lazy days of Summer, if you want to escape it The Trader in Old Forge and Singing Anvil is a very nice pub, maybe I’ll see you down there.