Asking the Cashier

Asking the Cashier ©

By Michael Casey

I was in Aldi and I got talking to the cashier as he unbagged his small change, he asked how I was, I said I hadn’t thought what to write about today.  I explained I did a bit of writing, its 870,000 words so far, doesn’t mean it’s the kind of words you want to read, but there are a lot of them. He smiled, I do in fact have a connection to him, he is a fully trained Blacksmith and my dad was a blacksmith. He is very big, he makes me look small, he does look a bit like the Welsh footballer Gareth Bale, he puts his hair back and up, I don’t know anything about his football skills.

So as he scanned my stuff I said I’d write something called Asking the Cashier, so that’s how this piece came about. As I said before you can get anything at Aldi, though horses being shod might be a bit exotic for a high street in a Birmingham suburb, though the roses would be fantastic outside the store. So this is an example of where my muse comes from, Aldi, and my trips up and down the road to and from Aldi.

If I were a painter or photographer I’d have nude Japanese models, or other nationalities, but as it’s me, the only muse I have is the brickwork with the sign Aldi attached to it. Life is funny that way, you don’t know what is around the corner, as Fiona once said to me before she disappeared traveling all over the world, only to end up living in my neighbourhood. A muse should amuse and inspire you, give you a spark that will lead to something creative. So I ask the cashier this and that and they say do I know this or that is on offer, so I buy extra toilet cleaner as it is on offer, which is good as I bought extra eggs and beans the previous week.

You can rate a shop straight away by the attitude the staff have, does the cashier know or care if you ask a question. From my own time working for 3 years front of house at CPNEC Birmingham the honest answer is the best, I don’t know but I know a man who does, so I’d ring Phil of the dect phone and he’d materialise as if Paul Daniels had magiced him from nowhere, and HE had the answer I needed.

I do observe the staff working and I try and make them laugh as I perambulate my way through the store, I just thought I’d throw a big word in just to see if you are paying attention. The new staff soon get to know me, who’s the fat old bloke with the white hair, sometimes they notice that it’s silver, just like my mother’s. They are told I am a male model, and obviously they believe it as they see me wipe my nose on my sleeve, and then scratch my bum for far too long, as I head for the toilet tissue and the large economy size toilet cleaner.

Yes I am a celebrity shopper. And yes it’s a mystery to them that I am a male model, but David Walliams spotted me, and was so taken aback he rung his agent immediately and his agent had me on the casting couch, she had to, my back was playing up again so she had Ming Ling massage it. Luckily I had purchased some wet wipes too, so having interviewed me as I was being massaged I got my first modelling post. I was a bum model for Smith’s Toilet Tissue,  it’s me you see on their advert.  They could have had Minnie Massage or Kim Kardassian but I got it, so I’m famous, and that’s why I swagger when I go shopping, I am a Muse to toilet paper.