Debate You, Debate Me

Debate You, Debate Me ©

By Michael Casey

I’m not going to talk to you, I just cannot abide you, you are such a liar, ok you are economical with the truth, everybody knows that. MY figures are perfect, I never exaggerate, what I say is Gospel, though I am an Atheist, how can I believe in something  that is not there, that would be like believing in YOU.

I’d just punch you if I had to share the stage with you, you are your shiny suit and your just perfect tie that your wife or mother or boyfriend chose for you. So you’d look perfect on the debate. So I will just make a statement to Andrew Marr and smile nicely, I think he supports me secretly, I am such a kind man after all.

Then it’ll be your turn to with Andrew Marr, and don’t try bribing him with a 40 year old malt whisky, you are such a low life, anything is possible, you have such a lust for power. Nodding your head and agreeing with him, touching his knee as if HE was Terry Wogan, you are such a little S*&^, you’d do anything to get that little bit of edge.

I won’t even watch your 90 minutes with Andrew Marr, I have better things to do, much more important things to do. I’ll be tidying out my attic and re-grouting the bathroom. Far more important than listening to your bare-face lies.

Why did they decide to give you equal time with me? I am the sitting PM, it’s just not cricket to let an upstart like you try to talk the pants off the country. Everybody knows your just as slimy as that guy in Bridget Jones, the one who gets punched by what’s his name who got the Oscar for whatever it was.

So the vote was last night, and I’m still the PM. Post Mortem supervisor at Birmingham Medical school, I’m in charge of all the stiffs.       

Be Honest With Me, Do I look fat?

Be Honest With Me, Do I Look Fat? ©

As you all know I’ve had a Life Changing Experience, I found 2 quid in the street and bought a lottery ticket with it. No, don’t be daft, I had a Christmas time experience, no not a snog under the mistletoe, I had the revelation that I needed a Triple Heart Bypass, less than 2 months after having a tiny dose of angina. 3^rd Jan 2015 was the night I was told this, I would have preferred Lords Aleeping or some French Hens or any other of the 12 days.

So it got me thinking about diets and so forth, I was told this morning than my cholesterol was now 3.5, I’m swaggering with pride as I tell you this. I’m now 106 kilos as I stand naked on our bathroom scales, please banish that mental image from your minds by having an Irish Coffee or three. This means I’m ½ way to my target of 100kilos. Though my Shanghai wife has moved the goal posts now, but in 2 months I’ve lost 6 or 7 kilos, in real money I'm 16.5 stones now.

Girls look in the mirror with their breath held in and ask their best friend do they look fat, and do their thighs rub together when they walk. You are really fat if your thighs DO rub together, and does your bum stick out too much, and if you buy a size too big will it hide your colossal bum. Now as a man I can empathise with fat bottomed girls to quote just one Queen song from long ago. Why? Because my own bottom is huge, I am related to gorillas after all, there is one photo of me in PJs that reveals this, you can find it on the Internet. Generally though the Diet industry focuses on girls, you cannot find men’s diet magazines in WHSmiths.

Girls suffer, they have to make the effort, but boys don’t bother its character if they have a belly, a beer belly, but a girl she has to be perfect, it’s just not fair. A girl will starve herself for months so she can look good in her bikini, so she can wow her lad in her bed when they are in Benidorm. All he’ll do is try and find the football on the tv while she is trying to entice him. Only after the final whistle will he whistle at her and give her his total undivided attention, if he hasn’t had too many cans while watching the football.

It’s been a great holiday, and she gets home and finds she’s pregnant, luckily they really love each other. Typical you spend months forcing your body to be perfect, just as all the magazines insist you should be, so you can have perfect sex with your perfect man. Perfect man, a beer swilling idiot who wants to watch Man United, instead of feasting his eyes on you.

He may be a beer swilling idiot but he does love you, and he will marry you, not like what happened to some of her friends. Now she must hurry so her baby bump won’t show. Normally its £15,000 for a wedding. Can she, should she diet while pregnant? There’s the dress and venue and so much to think about.

Her big brother turns up from nowhere, the one with the scar, he loves his little sister, so what does he do? He grabs Romeo by the throat and “asks” does he love his little Louise, Romeo faints as Derek has applied a little too much pressure to the jugular. When he comes around Derek says he does love Louise. Which is the only answer he could possible give.

Big brother reaches for his wad and slaps 20k on the table, a big brother will always do that. Louise’s brother has his own Import Export business, which is another way of saying he is a thief, you can export things in a freight container, lots of things.

So the Wedding Day comes around fast, and Andy is the DJ, he’s the best gay DJ in town, gay bars always have the best music, he has a residency at the Peekaboo. Louise’s best mate Sarah said Andy would be great, and he was, he was also Sarah’s brother.

Everything goes with a swing, Louise and her Romeo sneak off to the Honeymoon Suite, she’s hot, so very hot, her baby bump does not show, only there is European Football on the tv. As she leaves the bathroom, dressed to thrill he is watching Man United, again. Now the baby, his baby decides to make a statement. Call it Morning Sickness, or Wedding Night sickness, Louise pukes all over Romeo. 

Six Weeks After a Triple Heart Bypass

Six Weeks After a Triple Heart Bypass ©

By Michael Casey

It’s a long walk to the bus stop and then off the bus to the inside of the QE Birmingham

1st I had a blood pressure and weight. My scores were "almost perfect" said the nurse

Then I had an Italian nurse do an ECG, he said thin people had heart attacks too.

Then I had an Xray

Then I met Roger the posh gentleman from the hospital, we were in at the same time.

Had to wait until nearly Noon , I arrived at 9.30. I didn't mind had a good natter with Roger

Then I saw one of the Cardiac team

He said I was doing so well.

He examined my chest and pressed on it.

It will take up to a year to heal total where its tender.

Otherwise I'm doing great.

Do not pick my leg scabs he said.

Then he discharged me, no need to see me anymore.

I told him there would be chocolate in the future.

I have bought a stack of chocolate for the cardiac crew but it’s too heavy to carry, but they will get it.

I also have to give a stack of chocolate to D5 and all the other folks that did all the week of tests before my op, at City hospital Birmingham.

So that's all my news. My sister and the ladies who are as old as my mother would be, maybe 90 year-olds have also been wearing out the Rosary beads, not to mention candles lit and prayers said on 2 or 3 continents. So I thank them all. I've also been told that cranberry juice is great, so I've been trying that.

All I need now is to win the lottery so we can move house and I get my own bathroom. But that would be too cheeky to ask God for, God is Good, but he is not an estate agent, though there are many mansions in Heaven.

Growing Up Growing Old

Growing Up, Growing Old ©

By Michael Casey

Well today in Birmingham and maybe all over the country the secondary school places are allocated. I had an email saying my small daughter had got into our preferred school, the same one her big sister already attends. This is good as it’s just up the road literally, about 15mins from the house.

This proves that my small daughter is growing up, though she takes after her Shanghai mother in size and looks, so she is small in build, though her big sister takes after me in build and looks, Nature’s balance if you like. Though the small daughter has my personality, and the big daughter my wife’s personality, again Nature’s balance.

This also means that I am getting old, even if I persist in thinking I am 20, mind you after an unplanned Triple Heart Bypass operation only weeks ago in Jan 2015, I am happy that I am still here, even if I am aging disgracefully. When my small daughter returns from school I’ll tell her the news, she’ll be very happy and want to drag me to the uniform shop to get her uniform ready for September, even though it’s only 2^nd March today. She has already said she wants to beat the queues that her sister encountered a few years ago.

She will be wearing an old skirt of her sister’s, probably reaching to just underneath her armpits, so it’s only fair she gets nice new everything else for her new school. It’ll make me sigh and think that the baby of the family is getting bigger. However I can now look forward to her and her sister getting their PhDs, they are half Chinese after all, when a few weeks ago things could have been much much different.

Pain and Carers

Pain and Carers ©

By Michael Casey

Well this will be the last post of the month. It also marks an anniversary, as on this day in 1988 I finished writing my 1^st book, The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker, a comedy drama for all the family. So that’s 27 years ago, though to be exact the anniversary is only every 4 years, as I finished on Leap Year’s Day 1988.

A lot has happened since then, joy and pain and rejoicing, and Mandarin on a daily basis, not to mention sharing a bathroom with 3 girls. Pain has put in an appearance too. Tennis elbow induced from carrying a heavy bag full of work for my Esol English students. That pain lasted 9 months then disappeared as quickly as it arrived. I even had acupuncture for it.

I had hurt my back while working in the print room at a law firm, but it cured itself after a few days, only to return spasmodically just for “fun”. Then  years later my left leg, no not my left foot, that was somebody else’s story/life, well it started to hurt. This was my Arthur saying “hi”. Six months after it started I had an injection into the left hip, and everything was fine.

Only the right hip decides it was not getting enough attention and went out in pain sympathy. Sounds like a union, simple solution you think. No, now you have tests and then a Chinese doctor scans you but won’t inject you as he cannot find the seat of the problem. You are left with your pain, which was six months at that point. So he suggests another scan.

You have the next scan, this says it’s a problem in your back which is radiating out the pain. All I want is &*() pain relief you say to yourself. Instead you keep on taking the Movelat, which works and won’t destroy your kidneys as pill probably will.

Then one Saturday, the 3^rd Jan 2015 to be exact both of your hips are murdering you, you are screaming in pain and slapping on the Monvelat gel. This works, then you eat and feel much better, only the pain returns. Plus a very tiny tickle to the side of your left nipple.

You are home alone as the wife and kids are in London meeting a cousin from Shanghai, so you ring your sister and she comes around. She suggests having a lie down. In the end you ring 999.

The guy tests you and cannot see a heart attack, but you did have a bit of angina  very recently, and you did have a scan. So to be on the safe side you are taken to City Hospital. Tests are done, you remind them about the recent MRI scan of your heart. This was taken on 20^th Dec 2014, so they dig it out.

The doctor comes back with news that will change your life, something has to be done. What exactly, a Triple Heart Bypass.

So I was kept in for a week of tests before being transferred to the QE for the operation. I never knew my heart was in such a state, so you could say my Arthritis saved my life.

To be continued…. 

Small Kindnesses

Small Kindnesses ©

By Michael Casey

I was in Aldi today, it’s part of my cardiac rehabilitation, its 30 mins walking, up the road and around the store and back home again. I cannot carry much as my chest is tight after being opened up and then sown up again. So I wander around and then bring home what I can carry. Today it was salmon steaks from Norway, which are cheaper than the smoked salmon, cheaper and you get 20% more. I also tried low fat Greek style yogurt.

Now as I struggled for the change the pretty Muslim girl on the checkout helped put my shopping in my Lidl shopping bag. It’s a joke I play on Aldi, I use Lidl carrier bags to take home my shopping. Previously I shared a joke about Tasers with the shop manager, the machine she uses to count stock looks like a Taser, she has a law degree you know, or so I have been informed by the bodybuilder who stacks the shelves.  

Now this is maybe the way shops used to be 40 years ago, or my local Aldi just has nice people working there. I did in fact write a play called Shoplife years ago, it was accepted for the stage though not finally produced, it is on Amazon.

Now to the point, the point is that simple kindnesses do make a difference, you can brighten up a person’s day, just by sparing a little time. Time to chat, to share a joke, or just help them with their shopping, or hold a door open. I was a concierge for 3 years in a 4 star deluxe business hotel, so I have practiced what I preach. I’m speaking from experience.

Now as I have been forced to slow down, and I can only just about put my socks and shoes on as bending is painful and sometimes impossible, I really do appreciate the small kindnesses. The little things do matter and they do make a difference, they are a smile, a ray of sunshine, a reassuring hand, a steadying hand. Being forced to slow down does make you look at things differently, just as being in a wheelchair either temporarily or always makes your perspective different.

So thanks to everybody who has been offering me small kindnesses, the old women, 90 plus in age who have been praying for me, they are my mother’s contemporaries, I went to school  with their children. To those who don’t even know they have helped me, because kindness is in their nature. Obviously a big thank you to the NHS, I will bring the chocolate to the wards when I have enough strength to carry it down the longest hospital corridor in Europe.

That’s all for today, I get tired more easily so I have to cut my computer time down, though the house is quieter as the girls have gone back to school. We finally let the cat out of the bag and told my wife that I had bought my small daughter a new coat  as the one grannie in Shanghai had given her was way too big. It will be used eventually, in a year or two when she is in Year 8. We did enjoy speaking in Spanish behind mum’s back, saying that she still hadn’t spotted the new coat, but yesterday we let the cat out of the bag, six months after the holidays to China. 

Sudden Hospital Visit

Sudden Hospital Visit ©

By Michael Casey

Well my heart rehab is/was going well. But yesterday I ended up in hospital. Until I started screaming in pain. It was to the left of my chest, past my nipple by a few inches. After a few screams spaced out in time I dialled 999, or 911 as you call it in USA. I was told to use the under the tongue spray, I must have sprayed twice so I collapsed on the floor. It lowers your blood pressure so much. 

Anyway as I've just had the Triple Heart Bypass I was taken in. I had bloods and an Xray. I also screamed a lot in casualty. They gave me pain killers twice while I was there for 3 hours or so. MY HEART IS FINE. They did a couple of ecgs as well. As you know I have Arthritis or Arthur as I call it since 2013, it just appeared and mugged me. The doctor had a look at me but I had stopped screaming by then. Then "luckily" I screamed while he was stood beside me.

The result

http://www.everydayhealth.com/pain-management-photos/treating-musculoskeletal-pain.aspx   

It’s all down to Muscular skeletal pain. So it was a relief it was not my heart. I may have stretched too far and triggered it all, you have to watch yourself if you have a heart bypass. So finally after my Xray and my bloods were looked at I was allowed home WITH super strength pain killers. 

The irony was that during the day I had not needed the regular post operation paracetamol, in fact I was pleased with myself. So I am wondering did I trigger it. Though this past month I have had random pain, a stab and then it disappears. But last night maybe 20 such stabs. It really does make you scream, and scream JESUS, God, or whatever else you may believe in. 

I must thank my sister for her support and taxi service. I had told my wife to stay home with our young daughters, seeing dad collapse and holding his hand while the ambulance arrived was enough for the night, so I thought it was better for my 3 girls to stay together.

In the morning my small daughter said she had a dream. I was in hospital and the nurse said I was going to die, then an Angel came down and breathed on me.

Well I'm back home, and this morning I had a letter, an appointment from the Royal Orthopaedic  Hospital for my back/arthritis problem. Today is Ash Wednesday, we remember that we are dust and to dust we will return. This I know only too well, I hope I can use my extra time to have a happy family life, maybe I'll write 8 more books. Pain I know all about, if I can make people smile and laugh with my stories then I'll have used my time on this earth well, before I return to dust.

snap is family in Malta, April 2013