Humour Writing by the fat silver haired writer in shades from Birmingham England read in 162 countries so far

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC https://butcherbakerundertaker.blogspot.com. https://profile.typepad.com/michaelgcasey

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PUTIN’s Sheep , he is only One man, remove him

Овца ПУТИНА, он всего лишь один человек, уберите его, если бы СУМАСШЕДШИЙ пытался убить ваших детей, вы бы просто стояли и НИЧЕГО не делали? только ПУТИН - это ПРОБЛЕМА

Ovtsa PUTINA, on vsego lish' odin chelovek, uberite yego, yesli by SUMASSHEDSHIY pytalsya ubit' vashikh detey, vy by prosto stoyali i NICHEGO ne delali? tol'ko PUTIN - eto PROBLEMA

Posted bymichaelgcasey04/10/2023Posted inUncategorizedEditPUTIN’s Sheep , he is only One man, remove him

Putin puts the fear of WW3 into every Russian with nationwide defence drills in desperate bid to frighten people into supporting Ukraine war

• The tests prepared for the ‘complete destruction’ of regions within Russia
• Residents in a number of cities said they did not hear alarms go off last night 

By JAMES REYNOLDS  and WILL STEWART

PUBLISHED: 13:12, 4 October 2023 | UPDATED: 13:42, 4 October 2023

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Vladimir Putin has ordered nationwide nuclear drills to prepare Russia for ‘armed conflicts involving nuclear powers’, in an apparent bid to instill fear in his people and garner support for his war in Ukraine.

Sirens and loudspeakers were sounded in all regions across Russia’s 11 time zones in drills that spanned two days, starting on Tuesday – although many in cities like Novosibirsk and Vladivostok heard nothing at all.

Television broadcasts were interrupted suddenly to test systems with the same message relayed: ‘Attention, everyone! There is a check of readiness of the warning system to the population. Please remain calm!’

https://imasdk.googleapis.com/js/core/bridge3.593.1_en.html#goog_1867213616

https://imasdk.googleapis.com/js/core/bridge3.593.1_en.html#goog_1867213618

https://imasdk.googleapis.com/js/core/bridge3.593.1_en.html#goog_1867213632Top Storiesby Daily Mail00:5201:002Pac’s final moments alive are revealed innever-before-seen images

In some areas, schoolchildren were drilled in how to put on gas masks, while officials elsewhere were forced into bunkers.

Experts say the tests were aimed at instilling fear in the population as Putin cracks down on domestic dissent and prepares for a possible re-election bid next year.

The drills were organised to simulate how Russia would respond if 70 per cent of its housing facilities had been destroyed.

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• Овца ПУТИНА, он всего лишь один человек, уберите его, если бы СУМАСШЕДШИЙ пытался убить ваших детей, вы бы просто стояли и НИЧЕГО не делали? только ПУТИН - это ПРОБЛЕМА

  Ovtsa PUTINA, on vsego lish' odin chelovek, uberite yego, yesli by SUMASSHEDSHIY pytalsya ubit' vashikh detey, vy by prosto stoyali i NICHEGO ne delali? tol'ko PUTIN - eto PROBLEMAIn some areas, people were taught how to quickly put on gas masks in the event of catastrophe

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Children in schools were drilled on how to wear gas masks properly, in case of nuclear war

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Some simulated drills of moving to protective fallout shelters or bunkers. The drills were supposed to imitate how Russia would react in the event 70% of housing was destroyed

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The nationwide exercise was based on the assumption of a giant nuclear attack from the West.

The tests acted as if martial law had been introduced and that Russian had gone through full mobilisation.

READ MORE: Terrified Russians are ordered to take anti-radiation pills and rush to nuclear bomb shelters as TV station servers are HACKED 

Two fallout shelters were used in Volgograd, the city formerly known as Stalingrad. One was able to accommodate up to 36,000 people.

‘The main goal of the drills is to check our readiness for specific actions,’ said emergencies minister Alexander Kurenkov who oversaw the drills.

Onlookers have warned that the drills may in fact be aimed at controlling the population, presenting the West as a nuclear threat and aggressor. 

Irina Tsukerman, a national security lawyer and geopolitical analyst, and President of Scarab Rising, told Daily Express US: ‘Putin is not seriously concerned about possibility of a nuclear or other major scale attack by NATO.’

She said drone attacks on buildings [by Ukraine] do not warrant such major preparations across the country.

‘The practice of martial law is particularly useful as Putin continues to crack down and isolate Russia from external influence,’ she told The Express.

Russia has build a steady censorship campaign spanning multiple industries to curb dissent during the war in Ukraine.

In September, an opposition outlet claimed pro-Kremlin media had received a memo issuing guidelines on how to report on speculation Russia might be looking to recruit more reservists to funnel into its invasion.

Also last month, State Duma Deputy Anton Gorelkin said that Russia should consider blocking WhatsApp in Russia if the app launches Russian language channels.

State censor Roskomnadzor added that Russia could block WhatsApp if it disseminates prohibited information as the application prepares to launch a channel feature to feature over 150 countries, likely including Russia. 

Putin is now expected to announce he will take part in the upcoming March 2024 election.

Kommersant reported this week he was poised to seek re-election for the next six-years, citing unidentified sources close to the presidential administration. 

Sixteen months since Russia launched the full-scale invasion of Ukraine, support for the war remains high on paper, although 20 per cent say they oppose it.

This is a nine per cent fall in support since last year, based on Gallup World Poll polling.

Researchers note the difficulty in getting valid and reliable data. 

‘Even if the baseline result may be affected by self-censorship … shifts in the trend over time show that people are willing to report changes in opinion,’ said senior regional editor Galina Zapryanova. 

+7Овца ПУТИНА, он всего лишь один человек, уберите его, если бы СУМАСШЕДШИЙ пытался убить ваших детей, вы бы просто стояли и НИЧЕГО не делали? только ПУТИН - это ПРОБЛЕМА

Ovtsa PUTINA, on vsego lish' odin chelovek, uberite yego, yesli by SUMASSHEDSHIY pytalsya ubit' vashikh detey, vy by prosto stoyali i NICHEGO ne delali? tol'ko PUTIN - eto PROBLEMAView gallery

In a real nuclear war, President Vladimir Putin would be in charge. During the drills this week, emergencies minister Alexander Kurenkov oversaw the simulations

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The simulations were set up as a planned response to the obliteration of territories in Russia

It was unclear if Putin played any secret role in the drills over the last two days.

In the event of nuclear war, Putin would be in charge of Russia’s response. 

READ MORE: Western ammunition supplies ‘are at the bottom of the barrel’ with the war in Ukraine showing no sign of ending, NATO warns 

During the drills, Kurenkov headed the efforts.

The simulations this week were set up as a planned response to the complete obliteration of territories in Russia. 

The scenario for the test reads: ‘In some constituent entities [regions] of the Russian Federation, as a result of emergencies or other types of physical impact, complete destruction of life support facilities and up to 70 per cent of the housing stock is possible’.

It envisioned ‘accidents at hydraulic structures, chemically and radiation hazardous facilities’ resulting in ‘secondary hazards’.

Under the playbook, the Kremlin put all government structures on civil defence standby.

The document outlining Russia’s civil nuclear defence drill warned: ‘The risk of armed conflicts escalating into local and regional wars, including those involving nuclear powers, is increasing.

‘The threat to the safety of the population is posed by the risk of the use by a possible by the enemy of modern long-range means of defeat, as well as possible attacks using unmanned aerial and watercraft.’

The Putin regime had ‘taken a decision to develop measures aimed at increasing the readiness of civil defence forces and means to take measures to protect the population, material and cultural property on the territory of the Russian Federation, including general evacuation from danger zones.’

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A message shown on TV and read through loudspeakers says: ‘Attention, everyone! There is a check of readiness of the warning system to the population. Please remain calm’ 

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Russia holds nationwide nuclear drills on 3 October 2023 in preparation for ‘the danger of armed conflicts involving nuclear powers’

Critics see the drills as Putin’s regime portraying the West as an aggressor – when he started the war in Ukraine.

They fear he is hyping the threat of nuclear attack in a desperate bid to frighten his people into backing his ‘patriotic’ agenda ahead of a presidential election in March.

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Putin puts the fear of WW3 into every Russian with nationwide defence drills in desperate bid to frighten people into supporting Ukraine war

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PUTIN, Diary of a Selfish Lunatic

13/06/2022

Nails out for Putin

07/04/2022

Flash your lights Flash your BUM at Putin

08/03/2022

With 3 comments

Posted bymichaelgcasey04/10/2023Posted inUncategorizedEditPUTIN’s Sheep , he is only One man, remove him

Published by michaelgcasey

I've updated this 18th March 2022 I'm Michael Casey from Birmingham England, the fat silver haired writer in shades. Beware of Others with the EXACT SAME NAME, they are not me, and would not want to be me ... use Google UK to find me, otherwise Posh Americans pop up I've done loads of writing, about 2,000,000 Words worth over 34years now But before I started to write, I LISTENED to BBC Radio 4 for 20 years, from the age of 10 or younger Frank Brown our lodger, went back to County Tyrone and he gifted us his Bush Radio. He'd be nearly 100 now if he is still alive, so say a prayer for him 54 years in love with words, and I still look so dashing. I have a picture in the attic, just like Dorian Gray I've also had an interest in Politics for 54 years with my dad heckling the tv and Politicians. I almost immediately had a hit, a play called Shoplife was accepted but not finally produced by a Theatre. The Kenneth More Theatre, so thank them for sparing you all. This was back in 1989 yes, 30 years plus ago, the play was written in 1988. So since then I'm more than good enough, as a writer. Anything else..... I also ignore those who just cannot write, pick your own candidate I tend to write Comedy as I'd rather make you laugh than cry I have written over 2000 short pieces of writing, yes 2000 " (c) by Michael Casey" If you include "chats" 3700 samples, all told, the chats do NOT go into my books when I compile them. My first book ,a full length comedy/drama is The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker You can read translations of it here on this site Up to 20 different languages/translations have been read on the same day via this site, here on Wordpress look fo Translations Galore page, and more And in over 90 Countries world wide too so you have no excuse, find your own language and read The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker or Quick Stories or any other of the books in Translation on my Wordpress This proves to me that the humour does travel I have readers in over 100 countries now, just to repeat myself From Nepal to American Samoa and all places North South East and West Or its just a hit man on the run, or whatever Unknown Region Means It may also mean that only non English Speakers like my stuff Coverage but lacking penetration as marketing folks might say I did get 21,000 readers in 3 weeks for the Polish version of In Search of an Indian Princess. which is basically the final 3 chapters of The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker all by word of mouth. And 50,000 plus in Christmas week 2021 If you add up all the downloads from my Wordpress + 13,000 when somebody stole the file. I have had more copies than Boris Johnson's Churchill book distributed. Maybe 40,000 copies . Not made a penny from it, free downloads in multiple languages. Reverse Logic, if the world knows me, eventually somebody will pay me But in reality I'll be dead first, and then just 2 pennies to pay the ferryman is enough I've cut the Plaudits, you can read/decide for yourself As for my life, I was born in the shadow of a Brewery, I was a computer operator for a market research company into alcohol sales, 21 years altogether, StatsMR Call centre guy, like everybody once in their life I was also a Trainee Betting Shop Manager I was a concierge and 10 other roles at Crowne Plaza NEC Birmingham for 3 years. Spent 3 years at Pinsent Masons Law firm in Birmingham I even hid a copy of my comic novel "BBU" in the Law Library at Pinsent Masons, well just for a day.. I did a few other jobs too, working life in reverse so to speak and I was an Esol English teacher in an Islamic school, for a year, I knew I could teach. I got Excellent, Excellent and Exemplary on the external assessment, yes really And I asked them to pray for me at least once a day beside which I've had a Shanghai connection for 20 years now, including 2 bilingual daughters and being a hausfrau a long time too, I'm a great dad, as I've had lots of time with my daughters I can always make somebody talk or laugh I believe my short stories could be used to teach English, just package them up correctly or App them Or a Tale a Day from Michael, a story telling App What else, I was brawn and brains, I used to be as strong as an Ox, now I just smell like one We have a cat called Totoro, my daughters wanted a pet I said they could have a dog if I died , or a cat if I had a heart attack. A few weeks after that in Jan 2015 I had an Unplanned Quadruple Heart Bypass , it was supposed to be a triple but it ended up a Quadruple, 33% extra free so to speak. Now with an add on Hernia, the size of your fist, pushing through my bypass scar, it hurts when I laugh, so don't make me laugh I also have arthritis and other hindrances that hobble my body and give me pain galore. But my mind is free, though having read my stories you may wish I didn't bother But I'll ignore you, and carry on regardless. I do get heckled by my own Tinnitus these past 3 years+, so I have music on all night long to drown it out. I sleep with Miley, Taylor, Eric Clapton and Will Young, maybe I should buy a bigger bed, or just get a better mattress. Tinnitus is a curse, just trust me I know, each day I wake up, Tinnitus SCREAMS at me for a full hour till it calms down That's the end of the tidy version of my life To finish here's the list of my 20 books, so far:- 1.The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker 2.Shoplife 3.Essays and Plays 4.Blogs 2011 5.300 and Not OUT 6.Shorts 2013 7.More Shorts 2014 8.Quick Stories 9.Still Alive 2015 10.Undiscovered Words 2016 11.Still Smiling 2017 12.Altogether Now 13.New Horizons 14.14 Up 15.15 Down 16.Sweet Sixteen 17. 17 Again 18. 18 New Views 19. The Final Cut of the 19th Hole 20. 2020 Words 21. 21 Door Keys, key to the door 21 on Bingo, hence title, 53,000 words so far I write bullet point stuff mainly now as Tinnitus stops me from getting in the zone to write, story stories. (c) by Michael Casey stuff though my bullet points are better than some "writers" discuss, miaow. That's why I dream of a speed typist, so I could dictate from the sofa https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC to buy ebooks Loads of Korean and Arabic translations downloaded from my Wordpress, 1000s of them Quick Stories in Korean is a big hit. Maybe Kim in North Korea should read my books, instead of wasting his countries resources on what? Just keeping one person in power, him? Instead of joining the real world and opening a string on golf courses. That way we could get rid of Trump too. Into the sunset, as they play golf. Tears for a Butcher will be the sequel to BBU, and it too will be 600pages, however I really need a speed typist to put it down, while I sit and dictate like Barbara Cartland, and hopefully my speed typist would be impressed. we'd marry have half Korean kids, and form a Kpop band with our 4 new kids, with me as manager. And yes this is more for my bucket list, as Tinnitus keeps me awake too much, 6 months of not sleeping till dawn is really killing me Michael Casey aka the fat silver haired writer in shades from Birmingham England https://2.gravatar.com/avatar/efda2dca0de5b9269191b7c8b0102473?s=400&d=mm View more posts

Story Outline

 Story Outline (c)

By Michael Casey

well I was up at 5.30, I think

Tinnitus horrors keeping me awake

so I had toast and tea, hence my waistline

let Totoro our Ninja cat out

and then said a Rosary

and no I'm far from holy

and if you say I am I'll curse like a foundryman

so %%**()*()*)*90 , ok

So I sad a Rosary, 3 in fact

then as I'm dead on my. feet I almost fall over

which makes it dangerously going back up the stairs

as my Barry White dressing gown is so long

but at least I can sleep

until I wake again, 2 hours later

and I'm on a battlefield such is the noise

Anyway

as I said my prayers,  I thought to myself

how reassuring is the noise the rattle of a rosary

so that instantaneously gave me a story

Here's the bones you can write it yourself as an exercise

DIY story

old lady on the wrong. side of the track

in the dark

is going to be attacked

but the sound of her Rosary jangling

strikes a chord, so the attack backs off

and follows in the shadow, now protecting her

this is repeated 3 more times

obviously when written up it is put together nicely

Finally the old lady reaches her destination

she is visiting an old friend

or maybe bringing Communion to a sick old lady

So she was protected already

and the sound of the Rosary was coming from her handbag

or maybe she was being accompanied by Saint Michael

invisible until he strikes faster than lighning

You decide you are writing this up as homework

So on her arrival

the old lady look all around and 4 very large men/boys

emerge from the shadows

Come inside, you look like catholic boys

I can break the bread, my dear old friend

would enjoy the company

for she is dying and this is her last communion

she had an eventful life

she was a  prostitute, she said she had 4 sons

with 4 different men

the only way to protect them was to name them

Mathew, Mark, Luke and John

she lost her boys but she did name them well

And yes you have guessed it

The 4 lads in the dark, were the dying prostitutes 4 sons

So now they met again, and broke bread together

Communion Bread

and if you decide the 4 boys unite and their mother lives

Communion is Bread of Life after all

and that's the story from inside my head

before Dawn broke

Tinnitus has a lot to answer for

but maybe, it's God's voice calling me 

to Pray More

or maybe Tinnitus is the sound of Sound or Souls burning

so I need to Pray More

On cue My Sweet Lord by George Harrison just started playing

on my Amazon Music Unlimited

My Sweet Lord......

I'm back at my desk late

I'm back at my desk late

TINNITUS horror before I could finally get up

now as my window  closes shoulder pain begins

this is my life

pain

The world is mad, that's why I'm the sane  one

asking you all to pray the Rosary or any prayers you normally say

I once read a magazine, 55 years ago on holiday

a kid drew cartoon figures and wiped out the local gangsters

he spotted it in the newspaper the three he rubbed out

were rubbed out literally

so if you could make 3 people disappear

who would it be, if you had a magic rubber

Trump, Putin, Kim maybe

Or who should God strike down by lightning

Sadly History is messy

and it repeats itself

So in the end all we have is prayer

Pray Hope and Don't Worry

Mum will take care of it

maybe

my latest dream house, if ever I won the lottery, or you all bought some books instead of just reading 

for free, as my mum said in Heaven there are many Mansions

and this was her house, were the best of me comes from

Cromane Lower, Killorglin, Country Kerry, Ireland

just down the road from Jack's Place

afternoon all

afternoon all

pain levels off chart

several slaps of pain killer

30 mins before the pain lessens

screaming out loud

so if i get another hello darling email

you may get a crude reply

if i don't delete unread first

depends on my pain levels

and they start at 10

singapore has dropped off

i wont mention them again

they may all be shy girls

which was a story from 24 plus years ago

it may be online, do look

my daughter just returned and gave me a free spray thing

maybe telling me i stink of pain killer stuff  

or don't wash enough

CK1 is what i use and like

but with Hemp and Neem on me I smell of that the most

maybe a dab of Jeyes Fluid drain cleaner behind me ears

and in bed I always sleep in the nude, with just wearing a smile

that's all we all need

ENOUGH

Kdrama to finish as the pain level descends

and I can hear you all say, no more Michael today

but I have 2 girls, the next generation....

so be warned

up 90 mins, Tinnitus calmed , now Shoulder kicks off, PAIN so wait till I slap on the NEEM

up 90 mins, Tinnitus calmed , now Shoulder kicks off, PAIN so wait till I slap on the NEEM

that's better

now UK Politics

HS2

waste of money

UK is small

today 4hrs 30mins to Scotland

so what is the POINT

YES

Build the Trans Pennine bit

and have a connected system

the rest is a copy the French or Japan or Korea

DREAM

and the waste of money is OBSCENE

so JUST STOP

the monumental EGO trip

and just build the Trans Pennine bit

Transport is what is needed and for the common good

But do Politicians have the HONESTY to SAY

its a load of Rubbish

SCRAP HS2, 30 mins shaved

for the cost of

100,000,000,000 have I put the right  the right amount of zeros on

100 BILLION

STUPIDITY

do not throw good money after bad

10% of that for for the Trans Pennine bit

So admit its a crock of S***

and do the most good

not Political B)_____

and yes read They Are Knocking Our Street  my Play

and chapter from my Book

and Married to a People Married to a Person

from The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker by Michael Casey

that's me

I was ahead of my time

by decades maybe

i have to stop now

PAIN TOO MUCH

weather and my body

anybody want to donate a heated Long Johns to me

or maybe I just need....

tired and pain look

When Michael Casey lost his Singapore

When Michael Casey lost his Singapore

got up and there was a dropoff

like you all fell off a cliff

did somebody pull the plug on Singapore

or have you decided you don't want anymore

or did you think I'd died instead

not yet

but i'm getting there every day

as are all of us

so make every moment count

OR

are you all on a plane

coming to be my new neighbour

as that house sold again

and 10k cheaper

so yo won't need a Singapore IP

as you live so close I can hear you shouting

at the WOK

where is my rice dinner

or do we need an Uncle Ben's rice

Or just Ben as it is now called

and Ben was the previous owner of the house

before it was done up

so there's a coincidence for you

Beatles are singing their LSD

Lucy in Sky with Diamonds song

I don't need substances

I have IMAGINATION

and if you are poor

then you have plenty as that is all you can afford

Maybe Singapore readers are back at University

so they have no more time for me

Anthropology 2.4 maybe

Or Business Studies if you are in a hurry

Or AI the new toy

Anyway as the NEEM pain filler kicks in

and yes its legal as is Hemp

they take the Hippy Stuff out and refine it

So I can slap it on, and scream less in pain

from my arthritis  full left shoulder

Meanwhile the furnace is over loaded 

with noise in my head

TINNITUS

I just wish it dropped dead

though there is a dead cat bounce

so they say

so I'm going to have a cup of tea

and then challenge the hill

and head for the Post Office

And maybe later today

Singapore will be back again

Or has Political Correctness

Killed off Humour

so here's my voice make me your vice

https://michaelgcaseyfrombirminghamengland.wordpress.com/2022/01/01/for-japan-especially-hear-my-voice-12-hours-of-audio/

and then follow link to Comedy Magic from Radio, 60 years ago

ahead of its time back then

https://www.radioechoes.com/?page=series&genre=OTR-Comedy&series=Round%20The%20Horne

as for me each day I can write a bit is a bonus

as Pain and Tinnitus is no fun at all

Trust Me,  and if you are Muslim pray once a day for me

and catholics can spin a Rosary or two

the rest of you, can have a beer and toast me

and Putin, maybe it was you falling down the stairs in the middle of the night

that's why the figures Dropoffed 

men in black stole my razor 

somebody was reading it , ITS A MESSAGE FOR PEACE NOT FAMINE from SIX years ago originally

Sunday, 26 December 2021

when Santa lost his HO HO HO

Monday, 18 December 2017

When Santa Lost his HO HO HO

When Santa Lost His Ho Ho Ho ©

By

Michael Casey

Christmas is a time of Love and Cheer and too many drinks of beer. For Santa its a time of giving and comes after Thanksgiving, he circles the Earth sprinkling Love and Laughter and Hope or the hereafter. But something was wrong, there was a stink and there was a pong, because Santa had lost his Ho Ho Ho. Santa was Ho Ho Ho less, he couldn’t even say God Bless when he tucked the Elves up in bed. Rudolf was sick with worry and knew he’d have to hurry, for without his Ho Ho Ho the sleigh just would not go.

Rudolf flew to the North Pole to ask the Polar Bears what to do, but they had hardly a clue. The Polar Bears suggested Rudolf asked the Eskimos in Alaska. So Rudolf flew alone to ask the Eskimos in Anchorage what to do, but even they did not have a clue. So Rudolf had an ice lolly with the Huskies, they were always kind and playful, especially Vincent their leader who loved leading, that way he did not have to look at another dog’s behind as they pulled their sleigh.

Vincent said try Lapland, so Rudolf went back to Finland to find Santa’s Ho Ho Ho. Rudolf looked high and low and even places where a reindeer should never go. Rudolf met a BigFoot hidden in the trees who was quietly having a wee. Rudolf followed the yellow snow  and asked politely where he should go to find Santa’s Ho Ho Ho. BigFoot was taken aback, how did you find me? Rudolf explained I have a Red Nose I can find anything, but yellow pee is a give away for a reindeer such as me. BigFoot blushed and scratched his head, it really was time for bed. But before he went to bed this is what he said. My friend is Nessy the Loch Ness Monster, if you ask her then maybe she’ll be able to help you find Santa’s Ho Ho Ho.

Rudolf thanked BigFoot, telling him to eat more peas and that would help disguise his wees in the snow. And with a glow Rudolf was gone, high high in the air, almost on a stairway to heaven, though for Santa it was the opposite, for Santa had lost his Ho Ho Ho. Rudolf flew to Bonnie Scotland, he got lost and stopped by a bonnie wee house, it was Alex Salmond’s. So Rudolf started speaking in Russian and doing Cossack dancing and all manner of prancing. Alex came out with a mug of hot chocolate for Rudolf, he spoke in Russian too, he could go along with any jest, especially when just wearing his best string vest.

Alex was mortified when he heard that Santa had lost his Ho Ho Ho, so he phoned his best friend Nick Robinson the Radio4 morning gossip show host. Nick Robinson dropped the phone such was his shock, Christmas with out Santa and his sleigh and no Ho Ho Ho. Nick shed a tear, then he remembered he had a friend, not just Alex Salmon his besty but Olga Takesometimeoff.

Olga Takesometimeoff was the dinner lady at the BBC, she pushed the tea trolley for 70 years. The bosses always said she should Take some time off, so that became her name, Olga Takesometimeoff. Now she knew everybody, their mums and dads and grandparents too, everybody told her everything. So when a tear stained Nick Robinson came to her trolley she took one look at him and slapped his face hard knocking his glasses off. This is the BBC, WE never cry, we will fight them on the beaches, we will never never surrender. I said that to Churchill, and look what did he do? He used MY words in a speech. With that she explained that she knew the private phone number of the Russian Ambassador in London.

So Rudolf armed with the phone number rung the Russian Ambassador, and asked for his help in finding the Loch Ness Monster. The Ambassador said he’d help as a special favour to Olga Takesometimeoff, and to Alex Salmond now that he worked for RT. So it was arranged that a Russian mini sub would sneak into Loch Ness and find Nessy for Rudolf. The Royal Navy were livid when the American’s told them what was planned.

The American’s listen to everybody’s phones after all. But Olga Takesometimeoff may have a Russian sounding name but really her name was Drake-Nelson, Olga Drake-Nelson. So she did ring up the 1^st Sea Lord who was her grandson. So it would be a chance for the Royal Navy to play me and my shadow with the Russians, testing some new kit Q had invented. Yes Q really does exist, he is not just a made up person in James Bond. Santa had given Q a Chemistry set as a child, Rudolf said it was dangerous, and Q burnt his eyebrows off. So Q went to school with painted on eyebrows that his sister had drawn on, just like Michael Casey the fat silver haired writer in shades did.

So the Russian’s found the Loch Ness Monster with the Royal Navy watching their every bubble. Rudolf flew low and landed on the Russian sub which surfaced so Nessy and Rudolf could chat. Meanwhile in London the Russian ambassador met for a quiet drink with the foreign secretary in the Crown. The British were so angry they make the Russians pay for the Stella Artois, they did pay for the nibbles though. Both sides had to perform the pantomime that is Diplomacy. But both men were relieved that Nessy was found, and with the help of God and 2 foreign navies Santa’s Ho Ho Ho could be found.

They had tears in their eyes, but the Russian ambassador gave the foreign secretary a fur hat as an early Christmas present. The foreign secretary gave a copy of The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker by Michael Casey to the Russian. Is this a punishment? Joked the Russian. You should have Mr Casey on RT reading his stories said the foreign secretary poker faced, to be honest he was not a fan of Alex Salmond, Christmas or no Christmas. Putting his new Russian fur hat on his head the British foreign secretary left the Crown pub, he did grab the last of the nibbles though.

Nessy had lived for ages in the Loch so she had seen Santa Ho Ho Hoing through the sky for many a year, a 1000 years at least. What Nessy knew was that it was the Love of the World kept Santa going. But not just the Love but, the need of Love. So in fact what Santa needed was not Love but the opposite. He needed a challenge, Norad tracking him was not enough, the world had grown complacent. Santa needed the world’s biggest challenge to put fire in his brimstone, to make his cheeks glow, to make his chest swell.

In Heaven Mum called Saint Michael to her side, you saved the Russian spaceman after you saved Mrs Murphy. Saint Michael bowed. Would you be prepared to stand in for Santa Claus? I am humbled, but there is only one Santa. Mum smiled, Michael had such humility. But you were at Stalingrad, you helped stop the Nazi filth. Saint Michael blushed, he thought nobody knew. I have a request for you Michael, can you be by Santa’s side and step in and save the day if you have to? To serve is to obey.

Santa saddled up the sleigh, Saint Michael was in the back invisible to his eyes. Rudolf said a prayer and the reindeer leapt from the highest mountain of the North Pole. The sleigh dropped like a stone. They would have crashed straight into Nanook of the North’s igloo, but somewhere in the world a child’s lonely disparate prayer went up. I just wish I could see Santa before I die, even if I got no present, not even one grain of rice.   

Now that was the kind of prayer Santa needed to bring back his Ho Ho Ho, the sleigh rose and rose high into the sky. The red rosy cheeks glowed redder than Rudolf’s nose. Saint Michael kissed his sword, he knew he’d be needing it where the were going. Where in the world would a child long for love, for a grain of rice, for the chance to see Santa.

North Korea where love of God had been replaced by the love of war, the love of nuclear weapons. The love of fear, the land of the note book, all led by crooked power, not the power of love, but dictatorship from above. So the reindeer flew without fear, Saint Michael drew his sword, Santa was on a mission, it was Stalingrad all over again. Evil must be defeated.

The reindeer zigged and zagged as missiles flew trying to knock Santa from the sky. Saint Michael batted them away, he diced and spliced the evil North Korean missiles away. Santa Ho Ho Hoed the missiles away, a force field of love and laughter. He had his sack and they would never sack him. This was his job, his future for all eternity, he had Saint Michael by his side. The reindeer could feel the child’s cries, it was coming from the deep. In the deep the metro system. Hidden away in a secret jail next to the hidden nuclear bombs was a child jailed and chained to a wall for having a pretty picture of a Nativity in his pocket.

The reindeer flew straight down the stairwell bullets flying at them from the evils guards. Saint Michael spread his wings, Santa ho ho hoed, Rudolf’s nose was as red as Mercury. And then Saint Michael sang just as he had sung in Stalingrad, Ave Maria.

The sleigh landed on a platform and Saint Michael split the cell door in two with one swipe of his sword. Chained to a wall a child was dying, clutching the colour photo of the Nativity in his hand. Saint Michael broke the chains with his bare hands. Santa cried and his tears fell as grains of rice. The child said thank you as he died in Saint Michael’s arms. Saint Michael wrapped his wing around the child.

I bring Peace and Goodwill to all men said Santa as he remounted his sleigh. And I have a message from Stalingrad to North Korea said Saint Michael. So as Santa flew back into the sky to continue on his Christmas journey, Saint Michael shared the Stalingrad spirit. Every single nuclear weapon in North Korean was hit by his sword, and they all exploded 300 metres underground.

Carry the child’s body to heaven Saint Michael left a white trail behind him. Grains of rice, that Christmas rice fell from the sky onto North Korea. And in the distance above the muffled sounds of nuclear explosions underground, you could hear Santa going Ho Ho Ho, as he and Saint Michael had the last laugh.