Falloff the Russian ©
By
Michael Casey
Well Falloff didn’t Falloff the page if you were listening earlier in the day, in fact Falloff never fell off anything. Falloff was called Falloff because people could not pronounce his name. As he was always telling people to be careful or they would fall off that was his name. He was the caretaker at the block of flats, how he came from the East to Birmingham nobody knew, but he did have 3 friends called Lech, Boris and Gregorgi who visited a few times a year. Then there was singing and much laughter, much laughter. It was like Santa and his brothers had come to town.
Falloff liked where he lived, and he liked the people in Old Forge and Singing Anvil. There were a few naughty boys who liked to walk on the edge or hang like monkeys, hence “don’t fall off” which gave rise to his nickname, Falloff, the Russian. Falloff was loved by all, he could fix anything, just anything. Vacuum cleaners and microwaves, and best of all he never charged. He would accept food as a gift for a repair, but money never, do you think I’m a Nazi he’d say. So he was loved.
When the lifts broke he would carry shopping up to the top floor for the old folks, once he even carried an old woman up with her held in his arms like a baby. Marie asked but how are you so strong. Falloff confessed he was in the army in USSR a long time ago, and you had to be fit. But to carry me all the way up the stairs. If you love somebody you’ll do anything was his humble reply. I once carried a comrade 8 kilometres on my back. Did you love him? No, but he was comrade and there is a brotherhood in the army, any army the world over. There is a Western song after all, He Aint Heavy, he’s my brother, Falloff smiled at the memory. Besides I was dating his sister, so I had to carry him, to save him, or she would have killed me. He laughed.
Falloff enjoyed his life, it was easy compared to some of the things he’d endure in the past, and these British people here in Old Forge and Singing Anvil were nice people, as good as the people back home in Mother Russia. But into each life some darkness must fall, so some bad lads came acalling trying to sell drugs at his block of flats. They swore at him, go away back to Russia you silly man. But Falloff insisted, he would not allow drugs to pollute where he lived and the people in his block lived. Somebody pulled a knife and managed to scratch his hand. But that was all they got away with, Falloff’s military training kicked in, the knifeman was on his back with a crack, Falloff had broken his arm. Two more came running at him, so Falloff punched one, knocking him out with one punch, the other he grabbed and held over the balcony. You don’t want to falloff do you? His Russian accent getting stronger as he was angry now. 3 Nazis invading his home, his friends’ home. Now remember this, this may not be Mother Russia, but this block of flats is my home, my land and I will defend it, we Russians love where we live, and I live here.
By now a crowd had gathered to see what the commotion was, Falloff had taken out three bad lads on his own. Then he picked up the knife and put it in his boot. Now go away, invade another place, but not here, but we’ll shake hands and you can promise me you’ll never return. As he shook hands the first one Falloff squeezed just as the Nazis had been squeezed, the bad lad sunk to his feet in pain. Then the 2nd one , and finally the 3rd one. He shook hands with each, the last one was the biggest one, so Falloff really should his hand, until the bad lad screamed, as Falloff broke his little finger.
After that nobody ever tried to bring drugs near the flat, Falloff was held in such high regard. And that’s how he carried his comrade so far without dropping him, Falloffs grip was as strong as the Russian winter itself. Then it was full of brotherly love as he carried his comrade, but for Nazis it was a weapon.
Falloff’s life went on as normal, but bad pennies sometimes return. In this case the girlfriend of one of the bad lads moved into the block of flats to try and get away from him. But bad boys chase girls even when told to “get lost”. So one night Falloff heard a commotion and went to investigate. The bad lad Nazi was beating the girl he said he loved, but he was beating her now because she said she did not love him. She was trying to escape him, and was climbing out the window to escape. Falloff arrived and heard her scream, seeing the situation he had tgo act fast. I’ll deal with you later he said to the bad lad, as he hit him him hard breaking his jaw. A real Russian lover would never hit a woman, Falloff chided as he stepped over the fallen Nazi.
Rachel was handing from the balcony, by now screaming, Falloff tested the washing line hanging on the balcony. Then he launched himself over the balcony holding the washing line. He gabbed Rachel, and she screamed don’t drop me. Falloff replied, don’t worry you are safe. They were on the 8th floor hanging over a balcony. Then the washing line snapped and they dropped 10 feet. Falloff asked Saint Jude to save the girl, he’d faced death before and maybe it was time for him to die.
Down below a crowd formed and they decided to help, so they moved the bouncy castle which was 100 metres away ready for the fair. Just hold on they screamed, Falloff held on, he held the girl and Saint Jude held him. The bouncy castle was held in position, then with a prayer Falloff swung the girl with his one hand. She landed in exactly the middle of the bouncy castle. Falloff it’s you next, Falloff its time to falloff. So Falloff fell out, as requested by the crowd as they held the bouncy castle in position again.
Falloff was all over the newspapers now, caretaker called Falloff falls off building after saving a girl from falling off a building. The bad boy was arrested and it came to pass he was a very bad lad, so he went to jail, for a long time, more than long enough for his jaw to heal, though he’d always have a funny face from now on.
Falloff got a reward, and Rachel’s mother came around to personally thank him. It turned out that she was a History teacher, and Russia was her passion, and she did in fact speak Russian. You can guess the rest. Yes Falloff never let go of her, in fact they were married in the Spring.
