Watching the Cat

Watching the Cat ©

By Michael Casey

We have a cat called Totoro, and thank God it’s not a dog, otherwise I’d not be here to tell the tale. You see my kids begged for a pet, so I said you can have a dog if I die and a cat if I have a heart attack. A few weeks later, after I had written To The Very Gates of Hell I had an unplanned quadruple heart bypass. That was Jan 2015, 3^rd Jan was when I was admitted then Tuesday 13^th Jan 2015 I had the operation. So when I came out of hospital I kept my word and Totoro came and joined the family a few months later.

I had said I’d accept a Tom cat, but Totoro deceived us by being a  female cat. So we had her neutered otherwise we’d be soon overrun by cats. My friend when he was at University in Canterbury Kent, his landlady had 16 cats. But at least the seaside and fresh air as available at nearby Whitstable.

When you first have a kitten you have to kitten proof your house, we used old shoe boxes to block the space under the sink so Totoro could not hide nor more importantly pooh there. Then there is the need for kitty litter to soak up all little messages, you can buy this in supermarkets and an old tray can be used to hold the litter. Now kitty litter was a revelation of sorts for me, all the years at home, 30+ years our cat would rattle the doorknob and out she’d go to bury her treasure in the next door neighbour’s flower bed. Now with Totoro we had to bury her pooh for her, self-service for the owner so to speak.

 I always said it was wrong for a cat to be a house cat, but Totoro got Whiskas from us so she was content as she grew from kitty to cat. Totoro has free range of the whole house, so she was happy enough. We had a little wicker basket for her, and she could jump on top of the fridge for variety. She even mastered opening the kitchen cupboards so we had to tape them shut, all in all a happy cat.

But cats need adventure so Totoro decided to escape, she jumped from the bedroom window to the top of the bay window and finally into the bushes below. Or that was the only explanation of how she could possibly escaped. The amount of prayers my daughters said for her safe return  could not be imagined, let’s say Saint Christopher himself brought her home. Love me, stroke me, feed me.

I think Totoro got out a few more times before it was decided to let her roam free, free as dad’s farts blow, in and out like a yo-yo. Totoro as you might expect in our  house is bilingual, English and Chinese, despite having a Studio Ghbili Japanese name. She is  tri-lingual if you include Plastic, she can tell from the sound of plastic opening that Chicken or Chorizo or Polish ham is available. So she will run faster than Hussain Bolt to get to the fridge, Bolt is a slouch compared to her.

After cats eat they groom, they have several positions that would put humans in hospital if they adopted them. The Cello is one such position, the cat’s body looks as if it is holding a cello while she licks her own hind quarters. You can try it at home if you do yoga, otherwise don’t even think about it.     

Cats like heat too, that’s why if you have a baby you must watch it, as the cat will sit on the baby for its heat, they do smell of milk too. Our old cat Jean used to sit on the tv at night, the valves were hot and kept the cat warm, either that or she was a tv critic for the Mews Times. With modern tvs cats can no longer sit on them for night-time warmth. Though Totoro is so very nimble with Ninja qualities so she may sit on our lcd tv when we are not looking, the remote always has claw marks on it too.

Any opening in a door or window will let your cat in and out, or rather she lets herself in or out.  You may be in a dream sat on the toilet and then suddenly the cat appears, frightening the pooh out of you. Or you are in mid-shower and Totoro will appear and you pee yourself, luckily you are in the shower. And if she wants out she’ll just scratch at your bedroom window until you open it for her so she can join the dawn chorus and kill one of them. Such is cat life.

I’ll leave it there, you all have your own cat stories, we love cats but they just use us. Dogs are loyal, but cats are like manipulative mistresses, we know they are bad for us, but we can’t live without our pussy cat.

Never lose a Word

Never Lose a Word ©

By

Michael Casey

Martin was good dad but a terrible husband, his wife told him the 2^nd part all the time. His girls just loved him because he always bought them their favourite food, health food. Martin worked in the Pie Factory on Upper Lower Street, a funny name but there used to be a river called the Lower many a year ago. It really confused stranded tourists who came to visit the world famous pie factory. It was one of these tourists who stole his wife away. An American with a great big lasered white smile. His wife fell for the smile and after six months she was in Florida turning herself perma brown.

His daughters went away at first but hated the sunshine, they preferred the weather in England. So they came back home to England. Mum sent money and kisses, but the kisses soon finished but the money continued. So dad switched to working part time at the pie factory. So he was always home for his girls. Meanwhile mum went working for the American in his chain of gyms, it was very physical. But she was fit, but her new husband died after 3 years, while working out to the tune of Let’s Get Physical. So thanks to Olivia Newton John mum became a millionaire with a perma tan and great great teeth.

She still sent money for the girls but bitched about it costing her an arm and a leg. She was now worth $25million. But she never returned to England as it was too cold, besides which Doris was in denial, she had never worked at a humble pie factory, no matter how famous. And the fact that she was wearing a hairnet when she met the love of her life, ok the man how cold get her away from hr brat children. How she let  Martin get so close to breed with her she’d never know. She only married him because he had a jaguar, and they did things to her. Yes some women are attracted by your motor, a bit like the Stones song Brand New Car perhaps.

So Sandra drew apart from her girls, literally as she went to live in Arizona or was it Nevada, she didn’t care so long as the air was warm, not like damp England. So Steak and Kidney lost track of mummy, but the allowance still came so they were ok, not rich but ok. Steak and Kidney were the names Sandra called her girls as a way of mocking her husband Martin. Selena and Katy were their real names, named after the singers, but mummy was a witch riding high on a broomstick. Daddy was their fat hero, though he did lose some weight as he only worked part time at the factory.  

Daddy’s dream was to win the lottery but he always lost and finally just bought a chocolate bar for his girls instead of a lottery ticket every Saturday. It was while he was in the shop buying a lottery ticket that he met Maria, she dropped her Jim Reeves album and he picked it up. She was a North Korean army girl who’d escaped to England. She worked in the takeaway over the road from the newsagents. Whatever Martin had she wanted it.  He was a big big Jim Reeves fan, he sung her a few songs right there in the take away.

So Martin and Maria became firm friends, she brought rice around after work and together they listened to Jim Reeves records. Selena and Katy were happy their dad had somebody in his life. Besides  Maria was a good cook  and they soon enjoyed quality cooking, Korean style. Meanwhile in USA mum had lost all her money on a Ponzi scheme and could have been deported, but the Americans decided to send her to jail for 200 years without parole. Americans are very strict as far as money is concerned, if you kill somebody you get probation, or am I mistaken?

Martin promised the girls he’d find a way to make,  now that the allowance had been taken by the American courts. So Martin started writing short stories and posting them on the Internet. He had no luck there, but Maria did, she had a son, then another son and finally a 3^rd son. The  girls always wanted a little brother, now they had three. They were called, Tom, Dick and Harry as Maria thought they were great names.  They were a happy family and all they needed was a dog, so they got a dog and called him Vincent after Van Gogh as it only had one ear. All the family spoke English and Korean, except Vincent the dog who seemed to understand everything.

Of course the boys were very handsome too. Everything was perfect, Selena got a place at Cambridge to study Medicine and Katy went to Rada because her Julie Walters impression was perfect. As luck would have it a Korean businessman who had always wanted to  be an actor but became a billionaire had donated money, for Korean speakers. Katy spoke Korean like a native with a North Koran accent, so she got the scholarship. He did have a son too, who was gay, so no romance, he just became her best friend and they spent hours discussing Kpop in Korean.

Meanwhile Martin persisted with his campaign, no luck at all. He did get a piece in the Soeul Times but otherwise no luck at all. He nearly gave up writing but Maria told him YOU NEVER GIVE UP, she even slapped his face. She felt so ashamed, she went to bed. Martin followed her and  said she was right, Maria explained what it was like in North Korea until she escaped. Together they spent the night crying. But in the morning they were happy, Maria  was pregnant and this time it would be a girl. And North Korean Army girls are the prettiest in the world.

Katy brought her gay Korean friend home, Vincent the dog loved him so much, and when they got talking he said he’d love to hear her dad’s stories. So they played audio of the stories though his Samsung S8. And that was how Martin finally got his lucky break. They were used in Korea to teach English to the newly unified and peaceful Korea. Martin and Maria could have become very stupid rich but decided to keep only enough to pay for Selena’s studies at Cambridge and Katy’s Rada studies. As for their boys Tom, Dick and Harry they opened a martial arts college, as boys will be boys. Oh, the little sister Tilly she just became an international model, she was very good at marching up the cat walk.

Martin and Maria did buy the old pie factory as they were very sentimental, and they did send pies to the SuperMax prison in USA where his exwife now lived. They were very kind and polite  British/Korean family after all.  

  

The Spaceman and The Arch-Angel a RUSSIAN FABLE

The Spaceman and The Arch-Angel ©

By Michael Casey

Mikhail Mikhailovich was a spaceman, a cosmonaut as the Russians  call them, he’d been in space forever, he held the world record already, he was testing himself to see if Man could make it to Mars. He and Tim Peake had had a lot of fun in the space station, but now Tim was gone. So Mikhail was lonely, in fact Mikhail was having a dark night of the soul, flying high in the sky orbiting the world. He was on the edge, but bear a bear of a man he told nobody, if only his wife Katarina was with him to make him strong, but he was floating in space and she was back in Saint Petersburg.

Michael the Arch-Angel had just pushed back Satan back into Hell and had sealed the gates with a pair of Rosary beads, now he was taking Mrs Murphy’s soul back to her body, he was in a hurry before her body died without her soul inside. At Saint Michael the Arch-Angel flew in space with Mrs Murphy’s soul safely tucked in his belt by his sword he felt Mikhail’s sorrow. So much sorry, he flew as fast as he could fly towards to space station, a soul was in danger, the space station was in danger, a man’s life and soul was in danger. Mikhail was on the verge of thinking of doing something mad bad and sad. Michael felt this and as an angel he must intervene, he spiralled directly towards the space station, he went straight inside and grabbed Mikhail’s arm.

An angel does not need to use doors, the spirit just walks through walls even in space, love knows no boundaries, and an angel is just that, love. Saint Michael the Arch-Angel gave Mikhail a bear-hug and nearly broke his ribs. Mikhail screamed in fear, Michael just laughed in his face and said he screamed like a little girl, was he going to pee his pants as an encore. Mikhail rubbed his eyes, there was angel in front of him, speaking Russian, in fact he sounded like his own old grandfather, with the same local accent.

I could punch your lights out, but I’m an angel so let’s talk, have you got any beer, my wings are tired I need a beer, asked the angel. Mikhail laughed, where do we have the room for a barrel of beer in a space station? The angel reached behind him and two pints of Stella Artois appeared in chalices, so Mikhail took one and drank it, after such a long time in space it was heavenly to say the least. So Mikhail and the angel had 4 pints each, which is enough to wet their whistle if they were both Russian. Mikhail wasn’t scared any more, if this was a dream he was going to enjoy it. He’d love a big sandwich of Russian beef and bread with lettuce and tomatoes, so once more Saint Michael reached behind him and the sandwiches appeared. Is Paul Daniels behind you joked Mikhail, Tim the English spaceman had told Mikhail about Paul Daniels during his time on the space station. No replied the angel, but God is behind me, and in front of me and in all directions too, he has my back, and your’s too, that’s why I’m saving you.

Mikhail, looked at his feet, he’d felt a failure, he could have, but he didn’t, an angel had saved him. Michael the Archangel gave him another pint of Stella Artois, Paul Daniels was working overtime you could say. Why were you in space anyway asked Mikhail. I was returning a soul to a body, Mrs Murphy was risking her soul to save the life of her priest, or rather the soul of her priest. That’s when Satan pounced, so I had to give him a kicking, and then mum asked we to return Mrs Murphy’s soul to her body, before her body expired. Mum who is your mum? Mary is my mum, she’s everybody’s mum, she prefers to be called  ”mum” it’s  the highest title of all. Mikhail Mikhailovich started to cry, so Michael wiped his nose with his wings.

I wish I could be a father but being in the space program has put paid to that, I am a hero of Mother Russia, but my own wife cannot be a mother, we will never know the joy of children. Mikhail cried again, the angel gave him a huge hug, almost breaking the spaceman’s ribs and Mikhail’s face turned bright red due to lack of oxygen. A tear fell from the angel’s eye, it trickled down his face and splashed Mrs Murphy’s soul, this was enough for Mrs Murphy she was saying the Rosary in a nanosecond. Her body was dead by now, but at least she could pray for the spaceman.

Michael and Mikhail had some fresh fruit, bananas and grapes, washed down with more Stella Artois. Mikhail unburdened himself to the angel, all his hopes and dreams, being a spaceman was the last of them. Tim had told Mikhail about David Bowie and the two of them had put the face makeup on and sung the songs. Now Tim was gone and Mikhail missed him, but most of all Mikhail missed something he’d never have. Children. As a child Mikhail loved listening to stories, stories from all over Russia and everywhere else too, but then studying came along.

Saint Michael the Archangel has a secret, he loves stories too, he’s spent ages, literally Ages listening to stories from all over the world. So as they drunk their Stella Artois Michael told Mikhail some of the stories. First in Russian for the Russian stories, then he switched to Chinese for the Chinese stories, Indian for the Indian stories, and Japanese for the Japanese stories. Michael knew thousands of stories in told them all in all the native languages. The food and drink flowed, Paul Daniels really is a great magician, how he hid all of it in the space station ready to save a soul, a Russian spaceman’s soul we’ll never know, perhaps he’s just an angel.

How long would it take to tell tales from all over the world, as long as there is food and drink on the table there will always be tales, and this angel doesn’t follow Logic, only Love. In Earth time 50 years had passed, or was it just a dream? Michael and Mikhail hugged, this time Michael could not breathe and he turned red. Mikhail had been filled with Love, and food and drink thanks to maybe Paul Daniels, so he was a big Russian Bear once more.

You are Mikhail Mikhailovich a Spaceman who did not fall to earth, you are the Storyteller from Space, you are a “father” to billions of children, and to your wife you are the best husband in space and on earth who gave her seven children, angels love the number 7, Snow White really did exist you know, but that’s another story. Mikhail snored, he been dreaming hadn’t he.

Michael flew off into space, for decades he’d been talking to Mikhail, it was a coincidence he’d spotted Mikhail, he thanked God. As Michael looked at his watch, by which I mean the rotation of the stars in space, he realised he’d actually gone back in time by 2.9 nanoseconds. Einstein had been livid when he’d got to Heaven to discover that Time and Relativity was just one of God’s jokes.

Mrs Murphy’s soul was returned to her body, but her 50 years of prayers so that Mikhail could have a family had not been wasted, and as for her priest well that’s another story, Tears for a Butcher by Michael Casey to be exact, if God gives me the time to finish it.

The next night Mikhail said he had a story for all the Russian children, so he told them about the night the angel came to the space station. This was an instant hit all over Mother Russia, it was so funny too, though he had to explain who Paul Daniels was, they liked the story a lot, not a little bit. The Indians wanted to hear the story so could he tell them too, so he did but Mikhail told them in one of the major Indian languages, and as each child hear the story they hear it in the voice of their own grandfather. Japan was next and they were astounded too, not only did know their language but the accent was perfect, Mikhail was like a United Nations, his stories perfectly told demanded silence, followed by tears of joy.

Mikhail spent another month in space, each night he’d tell stories to the world’s children. He was out of this world literally and in all other ways. When it was time for him to return he was an international hero, for science and for story-telling. Putin himself said he drive him from the airport to the Kremlin for a reception. When Mikhail came down the steps from the plane his wife jumped into his arms, Putin was dressed as a chauffeur, the election was next month and he know good PR. The president as servant of the people.  Putin did have to close the privacy screen in the Zil because the spaceman started on creating his happy family on the back seat of the Zil limousine.

So Mikhail got what he wanted a big happy Russian family, was the angel right in guessing 7, no he was wrong, Mikhail and his wife only had 3 pregnancies. Three being Mrs Murphy’s favourite number, three sets of triples. Mikhail set up his own Utube station to tell stories to the world’s children, he called it You’ll Like It, a lot. Then his friend Putin suggested he should run for president, so that’s how a spaceman called Mikhail became the President of Russia, because an angel came acalling, twinkle, twinkle.