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I'm Michael Casey sometimes listed as Mr. Michael G Casey
or just look for my face, fat and silver haired usually wearing shades
so check both till you find all 15 books
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC
THERE ARE OTHERS OF THE SAME NAME, SO LOOK FOR THE SILLY PHOTOS
I did get 21,000 Polish readers just by word of mouth on my Site, for a Translation of the finale of The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker in just 3 weeks.
My books on Amazon are a Shop Window until Rupert Murdoch or anybody else picks me up, though I am very heavy, so don't hurt yourself
I started writing a long time ago. 1987 to be exact.
It took me a year to learn how to write. I spent 20 years listening to BBC Radio 4 BEFORE I picked up a pen. I used to read by the yard too. I hope I write for ears if that doesn't sound too pretentious. So that's 50 years in love with Words, yes my birth certificate is so old, not me. I feel 20 in my head, though on pain days I feel 95. Don't get Arthritis ++++
This year 2018 is the 30th Anniversary since The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker was born, in the iiving room behind me as I huddled the gas fire.
My Face is on all the books so you know who to blame.
THERE ARE OTHERS OF THE SAME NAME, SO LOOK FOR THE SILLY PHOTOS of me

www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com to HEAR my words.

Stop Press, for those of you who wished I'd stop writing, well it nearly happened. I had an Unplanned Triple Heart Bypass in Jan 2015, and I didn't even know I had heart problems. 6 months later I learnt I had 4 grafts, so is that a Quadruple? Anyways Thanks to Birmingham's City Hospital and our Queen Elizabeth hospital I am still here with you. Though I'm still getting pain as it takes a long time to heal, and just for fun my Arthritis plays up too. And yes I write about pain as well, for without pain in our life we have not experienced all of life. Though I'd love a break from all the pain, as would all of us. Its 2ndJune 2018 now and I've reached about 1,320,000 Words or nearly 4000 pages if you stack it all up. Its taken my 30 years now, I know I only look 25, well in my imagination anyway.

Biography
I've been close but no cigar most of my life, such as having a play accepted by a professional theatre back in 1989, the play was Shoplife. Life is not a straight road, its more a long and winding road. I can even remember being at grammar school when Monty Python first came out. And look what happened to them. One of my brothers was actually at the same college and University as John Cleese, Downing Cambridge. Another brother was at the same college and University as Mr Bean, Queens Oxford. I'm name dropping just in case the Daily Mail editor is reading this. As for me I went to work. Our dad by the was a Blacksmith then sweated for 40 years in a steel works, in Brasshouse Lane Smethwick. Me I was a computer operator back in 1978 on Dec PDP 1170s, 40 years ago,and then a variety of other jobs, I had my working life in reverse.

The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker is a slow burner that really does catch fire, and the best place to be when a book catches fire is, down the pub, The Trader in the book. Hidden in the cellar since WWII is a hoard of whisky, whisky galore you might say. When the street of shops in the book is threatened the shopkeepers can and will resort to anything. Such as a Poet and Undertaker using blackmail. When Patrick finds his one true love, and breaks the bed to prove it what does his priest do? The priest makes him organise a fete for the children's home, now that he has made a baby he has to take responsibility for it, and the children's home fete. The priest too uses a little blackmail, so the local police stop all traffic and detour it so as it passes the children's home 3 times, just in time for the fete. The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker is a fun book for all the family with an explosive ending.
So buy it. Amazon Kindle books can be downloaded to Kindle, PC and Laptop. So you have no excuse, or does the writer have to persuade you?

https://michaelgcaseyfrombirminghamengland.wordpress.com/

&

http://butcherbakerundertaker.blogspot.co.uk/

Now my book of blogs has many funny pieces in it, here's a taster of what you get if you buy the book. 300 and Not OUT, called very funny by one publisher.

Stuffing Tony©
By Michael Casey

Stuffing Tony, what am I talking about, no not our tame turkey whom we've decided to eat, nor anything else. Tony is in fact a soft toy, he's my small daughter's favourite, the one she loves the most. He's a white tiger, he was in fact he was her sister's Birthday tiger from a few years ago, but she cried until she owned him. Tony is a very washed out bleached kind of tiger. Tony has been through the washing machine a couple of times, he was very very dizzy when he came out. Yesterday Tony got a brother, his brother is a ginger tiger, now christened Ginger. Ginger makes us laugher because Ginger is how English people call my wife if they cannot pronounce her Chinese name.
Tony is one of 40 stuffed toys the girls have, they live up a corner behind the sofa which is just behind me. They are allowed out to form a class when my small daughter plays teacher, afterwards they climb back into their Iceland bags and go to sleep. There is a problem with Tony though, he's lived in the fast lane and lost a lot of weight. So following strict instructions, today I have done a stuffing transplant, which is like a heart transplant but much more important and dangerous. Today without any sedative I have made Loony Chick donate some stuffing to Tony. I took the scissors and make an incision in Loony Chick's behind, I then proceeded to remove the stuffing. I had previously made an incision in Tony's neck at the back, it was then a process of removing from Loony Chick and stuffing Tony.
The whole procedure lasted 20mins, Tony now looks very plumped up and proud, as the leader of the pride should look. As for Loony Chick, he, she or should I say it now looks as if he'd had a few dodgy kebabs, very slim, but at least the head still looks plump. When the girls come home from school we'll decide what to do with Loony Chick, should we stuff him with chopped up old clothes, or bubble wrap? Or should he face the death sentence and be sent to a Charity shop, I know it sounds cruel, but since he came back from Shanghai in 2009 he'd mainly been a cushion.
These are the very serious things a modern parent has to deal with, luckily I know how to sew, and I have a special relationship with all the toys. Now that Tony is full and looks like a weightlifting Tiger I hope Ginger won't be jealous, otherwise one of them may have to end up in a zoo, or the closest equivalent, in one of the 13 charity shops near our house.


https://michaelgcaseyfrombirminghamengland.wordpress.com/

www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com to hear me read my stuff

http://butcherbakerundertaker.blogspot.co.uk/

are places to read my stuff, comic in the main.

I am no longer on Facebook, I just attracted too many odd people, though I did meet a few very nice people too.

I would love a spot in a newspaper or magazine, print or online.
I'm honest/conceited enough to say I'm as good as the stuff you read online.
I would love a spot on the radio too, 90 seconds with Michael, could be expanded to an hour.
where I'd read a blog out on the radio every day. I have 1800 inc repeats.

So if you agree with me that it would be a great feature do get in touch
I HAVE RECORDED 200 PLUS STORIES ABOUT 11 HOURS WORTH SO FAR.
PERFECT FOR RADIO SO DO GET IN TOUCH

I also think a book of my stories with facing page translation plus my audio
attached would be a great way to teach English via humour to foreigners
I have enough material for a series of books.
So Angel investors get in touch

My shorts/blogs are 90 seconds long, I have 11 hours worth recorded already.
My 15 books can be bought here on Amazon Kindle,
DON'T FORGET KINDLE BOOKS CAN BE LOADED TO PC AND LAPTOP NOT JUST KINDLE.

Putting it Off

Putting it Off ©

By

Michael Casey

Well I’ve left my day bed, which also happens to be my night bed, my only bed in fact, I just wish it were a bigger bed in a bigger room, in a bigger house, some place else. By mentioning my bed I’m putting off starting this piece, I’ll be giving you an excuse next. I checked the list for Excuses and I did write one 5 months ago, I could have been real lazy and just reposted that, an excuse would have been reused as an excuse for writing something new. But it would have been a lame excuse, but I’ve been raised from my bed, not by anything Biblical, but by the urge to use the toilet. So now that I’m up I may as well start, not on old excuses, but on new Putting it Off, or Puntinitoff a new Russian friend of mine, he’s big in, well I won’t say as I’ve probably upset him already, on verra.

Now why do we keep on Putting it Off? Because we are lazy or because our word processor does not work, and Visa is playing up tonight so you cannot buy a new one. But I recommend the free download WPS Writer, as I did to Putinitoff today, so you all have no excuse, go write War and Peace, or just go back to bed with your wife and produce war and tears in 9 months time.

We all keep on putting things off, we waste time, I know my dad said when God made Time he made plenty of it, but we should value Time, and use it wisely. So I have stocked up on chocolate so my daughter is fully loaded to lock and load and attack the books before her Chemistry and Philosophy exams in a few weeks time. Students the world over put off hitting the books, they have to watch Riverdale, or dear Dale Winton repeats, and only then will they study. I’m sure Dale is in Heaven screaming on his support for students everywhere. Stop what you are doing kids, and hit those books.

Put the boyfriend away for a few weeks, he’ll still be there and eager after you finish the exams. Stop practicing your time tables with the girlfriend, just hit the books. You must be in it to win it, or your nose must be in the book, so you have a chance to get what you deserve, Dale is singing this chorus from Heaven with George Michael at his side.

We put off bad things especially, like going to the doctor when you have a rash on your bum, you finally get an quick appointment, after three weeks. Then you go through the door, and its a female doctor, or an old man of a doctor, it’s always the wrong gender of a doctor when you have to show your bits off. Bitsoff is a friend of Putinitoff, by the way, Bitsoff is a illustrator for books, maybe Putinitoff will introduce me to Bitsoff, only my introduction is always delayed. I think it’s because Putinitoff hates me, all I did was borrow one of his watches. Russian watches are indestructible, well that’s what they say, but for me, a watch only lasts 1 year, or less, but I don’t want to talk about the accident. I’m putting off telling him what happened to his Vostok watch, it was an accident.

We put off going to see our loved ones laid out in a coffin, if we see them for the final time, then we have to admit they are gone, we’ve seen the evidence. I know in England most people don’t do that, it can be frightening, kissing your most warm hearted mother as she lays in her coffin, her cheek is as cold as ice, like kissing a can of Coca Cola. You can’t put it off to long, in the morning it’s the funeral, so its now or never.

The thing about fear,or embarrassment is that once it is faced you realise Churchill was right, we have nothing to fear but fear itself. Its a bit like losing your virginity, once gone a whole new adventure awaits. So don’t be afraid to do things, never put anything off. I’m not saying dive in without thinking, I’m saying don’t be afraid, have Churchill and Jiminy Cricket as your guide. If you wait too long because you keep putting things off then you may die all alone, like a writer who was too shy to ask a girl out. So finally God had to practically throw a wife under his feet, because he was too stupid, and was always putting Life off.

Being a writer gives you a chance to talk about anything you like, you may restrict yourself and run out of material as you are in a cul de sac of writing, so you have to break out of the cul de sac and hit the high road, or low road as some reviewers might say. Putting off what you think you can or should write about may waste years of your life. Your best piece could be your last piece that is locked away in a drawer, though some reviewers might say it should have been locked and buried and the key thrown away.

So I’ll finish this excuse for a piece of writing, it’s a docx file to add to the 1800 plus pieces of writing that’ll live in the car park of cyberspace and on Amazon in the hope that Stanley will discover me. So carry on up that jungle and don’t put off anything, it’s Friday night 1^st June 2018, Dale and George have invited me to the club in Heaven, and if Putinitoff finds out I’ve broken his Vostok, he’ll be breaking something of mine off, and then I’ll be a eunuch dancing in Heaven.

 https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC

Well its Half Term and Still Exam time here in UK

Well its Half  Term and Still Exam time here in UK

so If you are having a break from the books

there are 1800 stories to graze on below

Just keep on going down as Corrie said in Finding Nemo

You won't find Nemo but submerged below in all the writing

There will be loads of stories to help relax you

I'm 85,000 words into Sweet 16, so by end on July that'll be

uploaded to Amazon, in the vain hope you all start buying books.

Though if you are Rupert Murdoch just send me a publisher please

That's all I may write something new later, I have to pose with Trump

for a cheesy photo later, I will be in drag of course on his Oval carpet


https://www.amazon.com/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC

https://www.amazon.com/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC 

Green

Green ©

By

Michael Casey

Well I thought I’d write something more main stream today, that’s if anything of mine is main stream. My favourite show is on tv at 7pm, 100 Days Plus, a 2 hander about USA/Uk politics so I have an hour to paint green all over the screen. Why Green? Well I just wondered to myself could I write about anything, and Green popped up, so this is my self imposed challenge.

Green in big in Ireland and I’d call myself Irish having Kerry parents, though others might say I’m just a Plastic Paddy, having been born here in Birmingham, just down the road from where I’m speaking. If you Google earth you can actually see me stood outside my house, my white/silver head stands out, not green at all.

We say the grass is always greener someplace else, when in fact once you get there you are sadly disappointed. Then you pine for the green green grass of home, though having Tom Jones as a neighbour might be a pain what with all the ladies knickers scattered all over your lawn. So your lawn is never green, more like pink and frilly. Though Tom did ask his dad what he was doing, he was getting ready to go to work down the pit. So Tom said, never again, so his dad retired on the spot. I don’t know did his dad spend his retirement cleaning up knickers off the lawn,we’ll have to ask Tom, Sir Tom Jones that.

When you are new to something you are green, just as a sampling is, with time the sapling grows into a tree, and birds nest high in its branches, with just Totoro our cat finding blood sport in its branches. The tree blossoms and its leaves spreads providing shade on the grass below, this is where Casanovas of all ages take advantage of green girls on the grass, and so a new generation, my generation is born, on the green green grass of home.

With experience we all all no longer green, or maybe just our abandoned clothes. Life gives us experience so we go from a novice to an expert in our chosen profession. You might be a bottle washer in a bar or a hotel, the crash of failure sprinkles the floor, the floor sweeper gets more experienced too as you work together. With experience you are less clumsy, you make Tom Cruise in Cocktail look like a clumsy clown, you can grab toss and throw and cage your bottles like a circus performer. You are no longer green, you are a star shining silver and bright. As for your colleague, with his broom he looks like a soldier on parade doing tricks, but with a broom not a riffle, almost like a ballet performance, or something from Cirque du Soleil, all with his broom. Obviously the two of you marry and then its back to green grass.

Green is of course the Irish national colour, and Pakistan uses a version of green too. Then there is my old school uniform, yes that too was green. So you can discover my old Grammar school now. People used to be green with envy when you got into grammar school, before spite began to raise its ugly head in education, you can discuss that amongst yourselves.

So life begins with green, and as you take the hard knocks of life its like a bruise which goes through all the colours of the rainbow before it goes. I’ve been punched in the head, don’t cheer you horrible people at the back of the class, so I know all about how a black eye works.By the way the French say un bleu, and porn films are called film blanch, ask your green French teacher about that in the morning and see just how red she goes.

So you have a black eye or whatever they call them in Thailand or Korea wherever you are reading this, and it changes colour and goes through all the colours of the rainbow, so life too goes through various colours and hews. As you grow up and get some education in a good school, or through listening to life and Radio4 your brain expands, without any substances, just experiences that colour you and your life.

You may get a mentor directly or indirectly, it might just be the bus driver on the way to work or school, he’s always happy and perks you up,so you decide to be like him. Its very easy to be sad and blame everybody else for the black storm clouds in your life, you have to say &^^**( that I’m going to be happy. I’ll be like Bobby the bus driver, that’s his real name, I was not using trashy alliteration, maybe I’m colouring my words for effect, to add colour to their meaning. So you go off and make money and have a limousine hire service like Smoking Joe Frazier did, you remember Bobby and you go back and give Booby a job or just look after him. Why did you help Bobby, because when you were green he encourages you to go for Gold, so you remember his kindness. You repay him 1000 fold.

Yes we all start green,or waiting for life’s light to turn green, then we can crash over the barriers like a Bolt, and flash through silver to gold and reach for the stars. So enjoy the colours of your life, the red white and blue, the green and gold, whatever they are. How you colour your life is up to you, always remember that it takes all the colours of the rainbow to make a full life, and if you are lucky you will find your pot of gold at the end of your rainbow, And if you don’t there’s always a metal detector, and I don’t mean a sport star’s wife.     

nite nite pain clinic in am

nite nite pain clinic in am

I'll see the pain clinic people in the morning, let's see what they say....

at least I fixed the toilet today

glad to see Thailand joined the fold today

what is their first impression of my writing if  they read about toilet fixing

things can only get better

my sister had friends over at her house so we had the left over drinks and cake

see sisters are really great, have one and you'll never starve

my sister's name is Marie Antoinette by the way

the pain monster has come out to play this evening, its such a random thing

I used to be as strong as an Ox, now I just smell like one

But as my mother used to say God is Good

so goodnight all wherever you are.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC

My Achievement Today

My Achievement Today ©

By Michael Casey

What did you do today? Our mum or dad would say to each of us today, or any day. I used to have a Social on the top step of the stairs, I’d tell my mum everything I’d done at school that day, then she’d pat my bottom and send me off to bed with a kiss goodnight. 50 years later my smallest daughter always gives me a kiss goodnight, so History is repeating itself.

Now what is my achievement today, as we end May and invade June? Well today I put a new handle on our toilet. So I saved myself the price of a plumber, £30 or even £50. The part was 7 quid in my local Pakistani  Aladdin’s cave, they have everything, all the way from China. So all I had to do way take the lid off the cistern and  then replace the handle. So simple even a simpleton could do it. Only I could not.

You see the original silver coated plastic handle broke off, we don’t enjoy the smell from one particular smelly bum in the family, so lots of flushing goes on. This distorted the handle till eventually it came off. So I had to become an emergency plumber. We had to resort to other measures to flush the toilet,  I did suggest I could drink lots of Stella Artois and then use my own fire hose to flush the toilet, but that was deemed too expensive an idea. It was so simple, and I was prepared to sacrifice myself for my family of girls.

So today when the shops were open after the bank holiday, we were drowned in Birmingham, one month’s rain in one hour, I went and got the new shiny metal toilet handle. I came home triumphant my toilet handle in my hand, my bargain my joy was flooding from me. I knew in seconds the new handle would fit, but the plastic nut that held the old one in place refused to budge. 

I poked the old handle out of the way with the new one, but a large plastic nut was in the still in the way. You have a hole in the cistern which the metal handle bar goes through, and then it is attached with its own nut, then hanging from that is a plastic fitment and a hook that attaches to the plunger that sends the water racing down into the toilet bowl below. The bar has a piece of plastic on it with a screw thread so that a nut can attach the handle firmly to the cistern from the inside, so it does not wobble. Then hey presto you put the cistern lid back on and all the magic is hidden, you  can pooh, flush and go.

Well this is the theory. But what do you do if you have a nut stuck to the inside of the toilet cistern? I could put the new handle and its bar through the existing hole, but I could now screw it firmly because I could not put the new nut on from the inside. Now my mother is called necessity, and I am very inventive. To I stripped the plastic from the new toilet handle bar, so now it would slip through the hole in the toilet cistern, but it wobbled. So then I thought about Plumber’s Tape. This is like ribbon for plumbers, you wrap it around a thread  and put a nut on, thus sealing  things. I did actually have some plumbers tape but I wanted a seal and the ability to move.

Sellotape came to the rescue, by wrapping one end of the bar around the  toilet handle bar I killed two birds with one stone. I bulked up and sealed the hole going into the toilet cistern, and it was slippy so could move in the hole and thus allowing a clean flush. By the way the hole is above the waterline, but it does need sealing, just in case there were to be an overflow, so water inside only goes out the proper overflow pipe.

So once I’d finished and tighten the nut connecting the handle bar inside to  the plastic fitment with the hook in, I stood back and stood on the cat’s tail, Totoro is a very nosey cat after all. She was very noisy as well as nosey when I stood on her tail, so she skipped out of the bathroom window. All  that was left for me to do was to christen my toilet, so I lowered myself and enjoyed a good sit down, before flushed  with success I pushed the new shiny toilet  handle. And guess what it worked.

So I’d saved myself a bit of money. I used to watch our lodger do all the odd jobs so I need to thank him Killybegs for the education, 50 years ago and more. Now should you ask what kind of story is this, and what kind of writer am I then you know already. I write about any old S*&^ but I hope I make it entertaining,  because it’s   the way I tell them as Frank Carson used to say.