Lies and My Book

Lies and my Book(c)

By Michael Casey

You like me and I'll like you. You click I click but we don't know each other at all. Its a circle of deceit, we are all looking at our feet. Yes you like me and I'll like you then its a certainty we'll be so loved that more traffic will come our way. We'll all be happy and gay, we'll all be writers, the whole world at our feet.

What ever happened to being honest, no Amazon ratings are more important. I'll take a look and if I don't like what I see I just say nothing and silently slip away into the darkness of the web. Yes do take a look but if you don't like it don't say you do. Mark Zuckerberg is reading all my books on Amazon Kindle right now, he's even going to swap FB with adverts for The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker.

NO he isn't, he hasn't heard of me and never will, but I just lie and repeat the lie over and over, just as Goebels advised, then enough people will believe my lies and I will sell more books. The truth is the Pope is reading my book, he has it on his nightstand, next to his rosary beeds and his glasses. He sent an email to President Obama and now Obama is reading 300 and Not OUT my 5th book, its 300 short easy pieces, perfect reading while he's on the campaign trail. In fact Romney is reading one of my books too Essays and Plays, he didn't want to read the same book as Obama so he's reading a different one. As for Vice President Biden, he's reading Shoplife my play that nearly changed my life. Its short as its a play but has lots of belly laughs in it, so Joe can read it and then fall asleep with a smile on his face. That just leaves MichaelCasey'sBlogs2011 Sheperd Smith from Fox news is reading that, I sent it to him as I like him, he has a good soul.

So I've told enough lies in one blog, so I'll have to go to confession, the priest he too has read The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker, yes he has, he called it a "jolly good read" And no I'm not lying now

Radio Voice

Radio Voice ©

By Michael Casey

I read in the DT that two of the long standing announcers and news readers on Radio4 are leaving, taking early retirement, it leaves a melancholy feeling. Radio4 and me go back 40years now, me and my brother used to listen to The World Tonight, Douglas Stewart reporting. A voice is so soothing, calming, a favourite, just like an uncle’s voice or even your own mother’s. I can remember my own mother’s voice, on the phone her accent was still very County Kerry, but normally I couldn’t hear it, I was used to it. My wife’s voice is Shanghai, but I am used to it, on the phone though its very sing song Chinese, and very sexy to my ears.

So why has radio got so much power? Is it because it is in the room with us, radio is really there, right next to us, behind our back. I used to listen to the radio while in the bath, I had battery radios then so it was safe to have a radio in the bathroom. A radio does wash over you, just as the bubbles do, it goes right around your head and cleans your ears out. A voice, a sound, can have so much power, the sound is not overpowered by vision, the words, the sounds, the music reaches the parts tv cannot touch. Watch tv and close your eyes, the sound, your ears are different compared to having your eyes open.

A favourite actor, a song sung by an artist has so much more power when you are lying in the bath covered in warm water and bubbles, they do connect so much. Martin Jarvis is one great example, when he reads something he hits the words on the nail, words are nailed to your spirit. He also narrates books, he is The Man in my book, I can even remember him as a detective on tv years and years ago. Others do narrate things but they don’t have as much skill, or class, his actor’s training and experience make the difference. The worse thing about new “celebrities” is that they are allowed to do voice overs, and they are not up to the job. Parrots have a cloth thrown over the cages to shut them up, I think we should throw a cloth over new “celebrities” too.

Shoes

Shoes ©

By Michael Casey

Shoes we all wear them, they were the one thing that wasn’t handed me down when I grew up, trousers I remember they were handed down, and I was the 4^th of 4 brothers. I can remember the summer of 1970 my mum sat on an old barn chair with the back missing and she took up the legs on a pair of puke coloured cords, then I ran up and down the yard and garden with my hands in my pockets admiring my first ever long trousers. Yes I really wore shorts with long socks with elastics to hold them up, my knees were exposed till I was nearly 12.

But what of shoes. Shoes are nice and I think expensive, so I bought cheap leather almost Oxfords for office work. Though these past 10 years maybe I buy soft leather nice shoes, brown, because brown is cheaper than black, and black means in service, like working in a hotel, and I know all about hotels. There is a Clarkes shop on New St in Birmingham so if you wait for the sale you can get ½ price Clarkes and nothing is nicer than new shoes. The Internet also allows you to get bargains too, so I buy 2 pairs at a time. My latest pair are and were the best pair of shoes I’ve ever had, light brown in colour with soft leather, with a strip of while sole, like nougat I suppose then with a thin strip of lighter brown on the sole. Yes yes yes, those shoes are the best. Comfort while you are working is a must, then best of all when the shoes are too shabby to wear outside you convert them to house slippers.

I have a confession to make, I do have smelly feet and dandruff, sounds like something from my piece about “what makes a man sexy to a woman” which Funny or Die ranks at 100% funny, 250 view in 2 days. I’ll get back to the shoes, I do have smelly feet but I have fixed that by Oder Eaters which are foam insoles that take the stink away. Stink is the word, I confess to  clearing an entire coach in 1972 while my form was at Romsley. We had been out catching tadpoles and I had been wearing wellingtons all day, and one thing led to another, it was worse than poison gas, but I am my father’s son, and he did work next to a furnace all his life. So as I do have Oder Eaters in my shoes, I don’t have smelly feet, everything is contained. Oder Eaters are soft too so you get more comfort in your shoes. I should also point out that I don’t have dandruff, no I’m not contradicting myself, Head and  Shoulders really does work and the Aldi cheap version works too, so that’s those two points laid to rest.

Now some have metal bits stuck to their shoes, so there is a great racket as they walk along. Little Caesar was my Latin and Spanish teacher, he was a lovely man, 5feet nothing and he sounded like a flamenco dancer as he strode all the corridor, it was like listening to approaching thunder. Shoes are an accompaniment to our life, they are like the herald if you like. Me I prefer to be quiet, no not like a cat waiting to pounce, just quiet.

I do have a pair of shoes I hate and would love to throw out, but they are like a bastard child, they are still useful, I wear them in the winter or heavy heavy rain, with climate change I will keep them till I am 100.  Now if I were a woman, and I do have great legs, anyway IF I were a women I’d have shoes and  boots and sandals and pixie boots and kinky boots and all kinds of  boots. These boots are make for walking, sang Nancy Sinatra, boots and shoes and whatevers do change our mood, do enhance our self worth, just as a dress does, just ask J Edgar Hoover.

My day so far

My day so far. I've had 2 cups of green tea because its good for me, but it tastes horrible, we opened a box of chocolates we got for free so that helps take away the bad taste in my mouth. After the tea is drunk I break open the tea bag and  scatter the tea into a handy flower pot. Tea is supposed to be good for plants, at least they don't have a tongue so they won't notice the horrible taste of green tea. My wife said I shouldn't add sugar or milk as it will negate the good effects. I did give up sugar in 1977 and I switched to semi skimmed milk in 1986 when I got my house,  my attempt at healthy living. But green tea straight, yuck but it is supposed to be so healthy. What else have I done? Went to Mass, as I've said before our priest looks a bit like Topol and has a great voice. I checked the results for my post on What makes a man sexy to a woman. I write a piece on my site then I repost it to FB, in the hope of gaining readers, 5, 10 any number will do. I also put it on Funny or Die, this lastest one has got 235 at 100% funny in two days. If only those 235 went to Amazon and bought a few books.What else am I doing, searching for some Esol work, and fending off the wife as she searches my pockets for my wallet so she can go to Costco to buy toilet paper, 48 rolls, and other exciting stuff. Its sunny outside now so I may go sit in the garden and pretend I'm in the South Of France having sold millions of books, well in my dreams anyway. I have been dreaming about Tears For A Butcher my 6th book as I work here on the computer. So I hope your days are as productive

What Makes a Man Sexy to a Woman

What Makes a Man Sexy to a Woman(C) By Michael Casey

I have all my albums loaded to the computer so that while I work I can listen to the albums, over 1600 tracks, I let the music role and I didn't know Michael Bolton was next. So when he popped up I thought HE was a woman's favourite, but anybody can listen too. I did get me thinking though.

Is it his hairy chest, is he tall dark and handsome, or is it the way he moves, the way he grooves, is it his smouldering eyes? Women as you read this tell me what YOU think.

And what of me? Am I sexy? Is it my hairy back and my hairy arms, my bushy eyebrows, does all this make women swoon? Is it my big chest and my even bigger belly. Is it my hazel eyes, Chinese folk have brown eyes, so my eyes are a novelty to them. Is it the British accent, does it sent a shiver down the spines of women. Michael Bolton is singing "back on my feet again" as I talk to you. Do I knock women off their feet. And not because of my smelly feet, which I inherited from my dad, a father of six, and those smelly feet have passed to the next generation, to my Birmingham/Shanghai children.

Is it something in the way I move, something in the way I pucker my lips, is it the way I look into women's eyes, and men's too. Do I have charisma like a pop star, or politician, and I a god.

Or is it that when women see me I remind them of Scruffy their first dog, the slobbering fat and drooling puppy who left puddles everywhere, the dog who wagged his tail when they were a mile away, but Scruffy knew their master was on the way, so Scruffy jumped and jumped and scrapped at the back home.

No I'm no sex god, I'm just a hound dog, chewing on blue shoes.

Fat People Don't Get Fat

Fat People Don’t Get Fat ©

By Michael Casey

My daughters were out with their aunty and they visited their uncle 10miles away and even saw their honorary extra grandpa, so all in all they saw 3 strands of the family, no 4  I forgot they met their cousin too. When they got home I asked them how everybody was and how did they look. Its sometimes like getting blood from a stone trying to get young kids to explain what happened. So when my daughter said they had changed I said I wouldn’t change because “fat people don’t get fat”, what I meant to say was that as I was fat I wouldn’t show any wrinkles. But it got me thinking.

“I’m not fat I have big bones.” “I don’t eat much, it just goes straight to my bum or my boobs.”  “My thighs are a law unto themselves.” As for me what do I say? “17.5 stones or 112kilos is just right for me, but I do look 40pounds or 20kilos lighter than I am, I’m tight fat not wobbly fat.”

A fat aunt is always a good thing, a friendly thing, we had one when we grew up she was the kindest and funniest women you’d meet in your life. She could do anything and best of all she knew how to feed you. One Christmas back in 1977 I put on a stone in 2 weeks, I’d visit 3 families every day and get fed every time.  I have 40 first cousins. Their kindness cannot be exaggerated, so I’ll blame them for making me fat, mind you everybody always blames everybody else, instead of looking in the mirror and accepting responsibility.

Walking is great exercise and I did 2 five mile walks last week alone, and if I go to the shops often I can pile on the miles, the pity is I can buy food and pile on the pounds too. BMI or Body Mass Index tells us just how bad our height to weight ratio is, though I take it with a pinch of salt say I’m 5’10 I should have X BMI, but I have a chest size of 46, so does somebody with a chest of 38 have the same BMI if everything else is equal. A friend who is medically qualified told me the BMI is a bit disgraced nowadays, and life insurance companies also are more flexible over BMI too.

But what about fat people being happy?I’m happy enough, I do try and write humorous pieces most of the time, and I don’t really care if I’m not perfect, my 3 girls are perfect so that’s enough in the family. Their secret is rice, they are the Chinese half of the family, me I eat from the fat side of the fridge. Fat people enjoy their food, food is a pleasure, its not like filling up the car with petrol, it’s a joy, its sharing, its family. So should I end by saying thin people are boring, I once worked with a girl who had a yeast tablet as the main part of her dinner at work, she was pretty, but she would have been stunning if she had a bit of fat on her. And yes in today’s world she would be called anorexic, a word that’ll never be used to describe me.

A woman's beauty

14/08/2012

A Woman’s Beauty ©
By Michael Casey
A woman’s beauty has many seasons too, the first smile that floors any man, the kind word that heals any hurt, the tears that break any heart.  The touch that offers sympathy,  the consoling hug. The softness that brings hope to all of us. Softness is strength. All kinds of graces that are like pearls throw before swine, swine being men in the main.
A woman loves from her  heart, a man tends to love from his loins until he is educated  by the love of a good woman. Women don’t battle and try to win all the time, tender words are given to children, and men are just children who pretend they are all grown up. Words and curses are used and it’s the women who are the peacemakers, when all the wars are over its women who are left to bring the family together.
Family is woman, the home the hearth is woman, men are out working and the mother glues the family together while the men are at work. Times changed but still its mum and the kids, they are the family, dad is out working up to 16hours a day, at least my dad was. When dad is off work for the weekend then the family is full and complete, laughter rings out and when the ice cream van is heard in the street dad sends us out to get some ice creams. TV shows are watched together, kids snuggle up to dad to rest their head on his fat belly, dad’s Winnie  The Pooh like belly.
As kids it’s the mother who teaches the children their first prayers, it’s the mother who spread the Faith, but why is it that only men are the priests? A mother encourages and sooths, a dad gives the pocket money out  at the weekend so you can go to the Grove Cinema. On a Sunday there is cake and tea, dad goes to the pub and comes home with cheese and onion crisps in his pockets. Warm memories, memories that make up Family, then one Saturday night in May , mum is gone. Mum is dead, the priest comes to the house in the early hours returning with brother and sister, dad cries it finally hits him, his wife of nearly 50years is gone. Dad said mom had all the Graces, “She was as strong as a horse” which is high praise coming from a blacksmith.

******************
My dad was a blacksmith, I am a wordsmith

You can now buy my 5  books on Amazon Kindle, USA, UK or Germany and France too


The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker (c)

Essays and Plays (c) 

MichaelCasey'sBlogs2011 (c)

Shoplife (c)

300 and Not OUT (c) is my new collection of stories/blogs now on Amazon Kindle