Having a Cold

Having a Cold ©

By Michael Casey

I have a COLD it is December after all, but you had the Flu jab so you should not have a cold nags my Shanghai wife. The Flu jab is not an exorcism I try to explain, but I have to explain what an exorcism is, there are still a few missing words in her English vocabulary. I do have to look after myself more as I am more like a target for infections now, such is the state of my body. Still extremely gorgeous and more good looking that George Clooney, but only if he was 70 pounds heavier as the Americans say, with surgery scars on chest and both legs.

As I have a cold I need a new roll of toilet paper besides me to blow my nose into and to cough and spit into, yes I am Steptoe personified, you can google Steptoe and Son for yourselves and then buy the shows from the BBC. Let’s just say he was 75 and needed a shave and was a rag and bone man in Oil Drum Lane, he could at least multi-task, by doing the washing up in the shower while he washed himself, saved water too, maybe he was an early Green party member, while he washed his member.

While you are being disgusted by Classic British Comedy, let’s get back to my cold, I am wearing at least 7 layers and 3 pairs of socks to keep to keep me warm, I am of course wearing my slippers too, or rather a pair of Clarks trainers that I wear around the house only. My first trip to Shanghai to meet my Chinese family was so cold, the weather not the welcome, that I wore 3 pairs of socks then too.

So when I bought a pair of new shoes in a shoe shop in Shanghai I had to first remove several pairs of socks in order to squeeze the new shoes on. The staff all had old coffee jars full of tea, which they kept on the shelves, and had a sneaky drink when customers were not present, and for some reason they thought I was strange, they would not have know who George Clooney was even if he was stood next to me.

I’ve been drinking lots of hot water, diluted with coffee, tea, and green tea throughout the day, I have sucked loads of Soothers and Lockets too, so much so I needed to brush my teeth several times as well, George Clooney’s smile would look as bad as Steptoes compared to mine, me his lookalike would look better than him.

The thing about having a cold is that your voice is so deep, I was playing Barry White earlier and as I sang along I realised he sounded like a choirboy or Michael Jackson compared to me. I did sing into the toilet roll and dance around the living room singing you are my first my last my everything to my Shanghai wife. She just laughed and poked me with a wooden spoon telling me to open the kitchen window to let the steam out and all my pollution as she did not want to catch my cold. Yesterday she gave me some exotic vegetable, Ki I think it was called, she told me it was good for me health, all it did was make me FART.

I can tell my cold is getting better as the snot rate has lessoned, my nose is dripping less, like a tap which has been turned tighter and the drips lessen and the echoes in your bathroom fade. My nose is rather red, Rudolf is quite jealous and left some dung on our roof, but I will sell it for £5 for 50grams, if anybody is interested do let me know, it grows red in the dark, as does my nose.

I have to have another hot drink now,then a hot bath, the theory is the heat will chase the cold away both inside and out. Then I’ll go to bed and not be able to sleep as I’m too hot, you need to be cool to sleep, so I may open my bedroom window and sing Barry White songs to the stars, now that’s cool.