By Michael Casey
I have been called a big kid, but I take it as a compliment, it was when I went out to work, now I’m a hausfrau and full time undiscovered writer but then they’d laugh at me and say I was a big kid. Why should I care, it proves I have a young outlook, my body may look 95 and sometimes it feels that way with all my pain, but otherwise, but otherwise, I am 20 in my head, and my Birth Certificate splits the difference.
I go out and buy sweets, mainly for my two daughters, but I have their leftovers, and they introduce me to strange things like strawberry shoelaces and 1001 variants of chocolate. Girls know their chocolate just as a sommelier knows his wife sorry I mean wine, and a greengrocer knows his onions. When you have children they improve your knowledge of sweets, I am nearer in age to a grandfather than a father as I have a young wife. It is a cross I have to carry.
So you are dispatched out into the rain and told to buy this and that from the sweet shop, it’s on the left of the lotto display just above your ankle, in a bright green or yellow pack, but don’t buy the red version. So obviously I come home with the red pack, greeted with howls of disapproval, until we open it and discover their new best favourite ever for chews. It’s dangerous being a dad, daughters will lynch you if you bring the wrong sweets home.
My own dad used to bring home cheese and onion crisps when he returned from his weekend trip to the pub, I am told it must be Walkers, nothing to do with that footballer, they don’t even know who he is, it’s just trial and error. Now I would be on trial if I erred and made and error of judgement and picked the wrong crisps. Though cheap crisp things are ok if they are with the spicy dip from Aldi.
There is an etiquette for sweets and savouries, and you are in deep deep trouble if you get anything wrong, children are like a hanging jury, eager to stretch your neck should you buy the wrong thing. So any of you out there planning a family, spend those nine months learning everything there is to know about sweets, it is an investment in your own mental health.
As we have a Polish Deli and general store by us I sometimes sample their wares, I stand there looking at the pictures, as I’ll never be clever enough to read Polish, and if the picture is nice, then I’ll but their sweets. The tastes are different as are Chinese and Korean snacks which we also have in our house, remember my wife is from Shanghai. So you dive in and you can make some great discoveries, those Polish snacks are great, I don’t know what it says on the packaging but they really do hit the spot.
Polish coca cola is great too as it comes in 2.25 litre bottles and is 50p cheaper than the real thing, ditto for Sprite and Tango, Poles are big people so they need that bit extra. This means me and my small daughter burp and belch so loud that the Poles stand on their doorstep laughing at us, its Santa again they say, because I look like Santa with my hair.
I could go on about all the different sweets, but your teeth will rot just by listening to it. I do buy Colgate six packs at a time from Aldi, but be careful where you store your toothpaste. When I am in dire need for my Movelate pain killer I scream for my daughter to bring it to me, and she rushes to bring the pain killer to me. Only she brings Colgate to me instead, my arthritis would smell nice but the pain would still be there if I spread it on my joints. So always store the tooth paste far from your pain killer.
No comments:
Post a Comment