Just Pretending

Pretending Just Pretending ©

By Michael Casey

There is a song called “Pretending” I think it was by Elvis, you can google for yourselves, so why am I talking about Pretending? Well its nearly 9pm and I left a note of Twitter saying I’d try and write something before bedtime, which is usually around Midnight after the Sky Press Preview. Then  I looked out the window and there was a man pretending, so that’s today’s idea.

The man was pushing a stroller along the pavement, trying to look cool so he was pushing it with one hand and walking with a boastful lad’s gait. Sometimes lads have phones in their hands and they laugh and joke and swear to their mates. Missing the golden moments with their child, they wouldn’t be seen dead talking to their child, showing their gentle side, cooing and so forth.

They boast about their bedroom antics, or back of a car antics, or oh I forgot it was on the top deck of a bus. I was at it I the attic above the chip shop, the smell of fish always gets me going. And so on, pretending, unable to be soft and gentle about their love, because pretending is more manly, more laddish.

We pretend when we have job interviews, we pretend we are better than we really are. You will get found out in the end, then they can sack you for lying on your CV or at the interview. I’ll never have an interview again myself, though you could say every piece of writing forms part of my CV, this piece is 760 or so. My first target is 1000, then 2000 will become my next target.  

So we pretend we are knowledgeable, that we are experienced, that we have management experience. You have 4 younger siblings and you make them tidy the house before your parents come home, while your watch the Euro 2016, pity Iceland beat England. But your family is Welsh so you still have hope. But you class it as management experience, and it’s a great line for your CV. If you find my Elevator Ad on the Internet you can read a piece about Linkedin and  CVs.

You pretend you are not afraid when the lift breaks down on the 22^nd floor, but really you are so scared. I can hold your hand if you are scared you say to the girl trapped in the lift with you, instead a little old lady holds your hand instead.  That makes the girl laugh and she decides to hold your hand too. You are almost on a double date, with a pretty girl, and her granny. You get talking and she can see you are really scared, she knows you are pretending, so she pretends not to know. In fact stuck in that lift she decided you are boyfriend material.

The Brigade come and after 4 hours you get out of the lift, the little old lady is led away, she’s peed her pants because you’ve been in the lift too long. The girl decides to give you a kiss, you are so happy you that you fall over into the pool of old lady’s pee. The girl laughs till she cries, you want to pretend you fall over into old lady’s pee every day, only there on the floor of the lift sat in a pool of pee you realise you cannot pretend any more, you’ve met the love of your life.

Come on my flat’s right here, you can have a shower and I’ll rinse your pants. So that’s how she seduced you, with the help of the little old lady. In fact the little old lady was her nan, and it was lemonade deliberately spilt. You could say it was  a plot, a plot of inconvenience. They had been Pretending, just pretending, you could say it  was a Piss Plot.