EU Vote 23rd June 2016

EU Vote 23^rd June 2016 ©

By Michael Casey

Well I’ve put the washing machine on, 2^nd load of the day, I’m such a hausfrau, a man’s work is never done. Totoro our cat is trying to get at the gas meter, I don’t know is it for the shillings or is she a sniffer, the things you have to watch out for when you have children, Totoro is my 3^rd daughter you know, the hairiest by far.

This EU thingy is very hard to follow, so I’m going to ask my friends Duncan and Sandy for advice, they are Bona Legal Advice people after all, very clever people. Their shop is above the chip shop, it was above the Chinese takeaway but Ling Loo sold up and it became a chip shop. So I’ll just give Duncan and Sandy a ring and see what they advise.

Hello is that you two? Who else could it be, not unless you enjoy ringing strangers and asking for advice? It’s the Common Market, I’ve been swinging this way and that and I just don’t know what to do. We had that problem too, but in the end we settled as we are , and are very happy for it. Anyway enough of our private life what can we do you for?

Advise me, but don’t bend me shake me anyway you want to. Sounds like a 60s song title. Or a DynaRod sewer cleaning advert, sniggered Duncan and Sandy. Hold on let me put my gasmask on, Duncan is opening that French cheese again, the one we bought 3 years ago in Normandy. Its ok now, let me just grab his baguettes, and toss a bit of Spanish Chorizo on top, and I’ll sprinkle a virgin  olive oil from Italy on top. Pray continue.

Can you help me, I don’t know how to vote. I suggest you follow your heart, I did with Sandy, it was the sight of him with his bicycle clips on and his stripy tee shirt and the onions around him that first drew me to him. Vive La France, vive les oignions. But you don’t have a heart, well get one from the butcher’s and stir the onions well, but go easy with the garlic.

What do you love about the EU, and what do you hate. You don’t like the Eiffel tower, why, because you hate heights. But what about Louvre, it’s too big and with your legs you’d get  sore feet, you are waiting for some new surgical stocking from the doctor, but they haven’t come yet.

Well what about the Italians? They speak too fast and are only interested in one thing, football. But you do like pizza, especially from Valentinos, is that in Italy, no in Birmingham. But you must like  Rome, all roads lead to Rome they say, not when your satnav broke when you were in Rome, luckily some bloke in all white called Francis told you to follow his dirty beat up fiat. But you do like the Trevi Fountain? You threw in a coin, only it was a shopping trolley token so you’ve never been back.

What about Spain then, topless bathing and constant sun. It gives you a headache  and you ended up on a nudist beach by mistake, the signs were all in Spanish, and were forced to go totally nude. You couldn’t hide your embarrassment. We were on that beach several times, we just decided  to think positively, if they are jealous of our bodies, then let them be.

What about Germany. Well, I got lost in the mist, and my car shuddered to a halt, then these huge men came and rescued me. Pray tell us more urged Duncan and Sandy. They towed my car and took me to their village, they were all wearing shorts, leather shorts, we did not stop drinking for days. It was the Beer Festival. They fixed my car too, I’m sure they put a brand new engine inside it. Then best of all they took me to Aldi. I didn’t have much money left, so I was amazed how much you get for your money.

So you like Germany, I love it. What about their neighbour Poland? Your plumber was from Poland, he was very nice. And you love the food from the Deli by your house. Yes. So we think you’re going to vote Yes, or rather Stay or Remain or whatever is on the ballot paper.  

Yes, that’s if my builder doesn’t take all day. I’m having a new fence built all around my property. Trump Fencing is the company, have you heard of him, I heard he was very good. A bit of a linguist, he can speak Spanish.

******Duncan and Sandy were 2 great comedy heroes from Around the Horne a BBC Radio Classic, I’ve borrowed their names, as for the vote, I’m just going to close my eyes and see what Fate decides.