The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker

Thursday, 5 July 2018

This was in the Washington Post

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/worldviews/wp/2018/07/05/a-giant-blimp-depicting-trump-in-a-diaper-is-likely-to-greet-the-u-s-president-when-he-visits-london/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.93fed906197d

Wednesday, 4 July 2018

Hot Weather from 2013

Hot Weather ©

Michael Casey

They say that some like it hot, me I like it just right, just as the 3 bears in Goldilocks and the 3 Bears did. My wife does call me a polar bear, I am a large sized person after all, she does call me that too. Though me and the girls do call her the witch, with the hackled voice too, on occasions.

But what about the weather? We are having a heat wave here in Birmingham and the rest of the country. Though we did just have thunderstorms and a new Royal baby in the middle of it.

Where I live if there is half a smile from the sun then the legs are out. I mean literally, all the men sport shorts, short fat and hairy legs suddenly appear. And don’t you wish they’d hide those hideous legs. Yuck.

Me I have great legs, but as a public service I hide them, I keep them covered. If I were to reveal them old ladies would faint and young ladies would swoon. Sergeant Mulholland from Old Forge and Singing Anvil police station did have a quiet word. He said he’d buy me 17 pints of Stella and a packet of cheese and onion crisps, to soak up the Stella, IF I promised to keep my long trousers on, and never reveal my stout hair legs.

So that’s why when the whole of my area is in shorts I’m still in long trousers, standing at bar of The Trader, trying ever so hard to finish my Walkers cheese and onion crisps.

The girls in my area they too are in shorts, it’s like being at the beach, but there is no sand. Why should a bit of sunny effect people so much? Well we did all have the worse winter in 50years, I can even remember the snowball fights with my brother. One end of the garden had a carved up snowman, the other end near the hedge had a wall the width of the garden. Yes that was 50years ago.

But what of the sun, well we don’t normally get heat waves over here in England. So everything stops. It’s as if a war time siren sounds and its screamed from the roof tops “SHORTS ON”. Our police don’t wear shorts, it’s their legs you see, policemen’s legs have to be covered, it’s the law in England. If you don’t believe me go write to the Library of Congress and ask to speak to Randy Cheserwich he’s the police attire specialist, world affairs.

People smile more when the sun shines, even burglars, because we leave our doors and windows open. So remember to be sensible. Though in the street next to mine we did have an attempted burglary due to the sunshine and open doors. It could have ended in tragedy.

The burglar sneaked into the home, and was half way up the stairs when he saw a sight to behold. The ugliest and hairiest legged man in the world, no not me. But this man was too hot so he was wander around his own home, au natural. The burglar screamed and ran off.

That was a mistake, as Gregory the home owner happened to be a sprinter. The burglar was already in shock from the what he had seen, but being chased up the high street, was another shock. When you have the fear of god in you, you can tun fast really fast. But not fast enough, people came out of the butcher, the baker and the undertaker and watched the race. Smiling Paul from the bookies even placed a bet on the result.

Screams and shouts as Gregory caught the man, no he wasn’t Gregory’s girl, he was Gregory’s thief. Gregory also happens to be a Black Belt, though he wasn’t wearing any trousers. So Gregory bounced the thief off a wall, before making a citizen’s arrest.

It was then that Gregory met his future wife, Amanda from the material shop. She had seen everything, and she thought, that’ll do for me, I can always shave him. So striding out of the material shop she wrapped Gregory in green material. He was all hers now, the urge was upon her, and as Gregory looked in her eyes the urge was upon him.

A normal kind of Summer’s day in Old Forge and Singing Anvil, so ask for The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker at Amazon Kindle.

Bye now I think I’ll put my shorts on. Michael

Tuesday, 3 July 2018

Passport Photos

Tuesday, 3 July 2018

Passport Photos

Passport Photos ©

Michael Casey

As usual I had no idea what to talk about then reality gave me an idea, even though I wish it did not. My big daughter lost her seasonal bus pass, with just 2 weeks left of term time, but the pass lasts till the end of July. So I was was not very happy, so after we moaned and told our daughter she was just like her uncle, he’d lose his arse if it was not tied onto him, as my mother used to say. She went to the shop to get a new bus pass. Only she needed a new passport sized photo, so she had come home like a fool, and we had no spares at home.

This is when it got interesting and funny. She took a photo of herself, then emailed it me to print off, only you have to print it to the size of a passport photo. By doing it ourselves we save a fiver, though if she hadn’t lost her bus pass we wouldn’t need to save a fiver. So I printed the photo on colour paper, I’d bought some ages ago so we had plenty thanks to the Pound shop. Only it came off full size A4. So I tried again, still the same result.

We decided to consult Dr.Google it told us that a passport photo was 35mm x 45mm, so armed with that information we put the photo inside a word document. Then we dragged it smaller and tried to print it. Now my daughter looked as if she was in a hall of mirrors at the fair. I decided to print again on the same piece of paper, hoping it’d go in the space. Only it printed on top of the same photo. Now it looked as if Picasso had taken the photo of my daughter.

Then my daughter noticed I had magnify on the word document, ratio 189%. So I reduced to real size and tried again. This time the picture was better, only my daughter’s neck had been squashed, no longer an elegant swan, now a stumpy little robin. We tried a few times and then finally a 35mm x 45mm photo, or as near as we were going to get. That would have to do.

I used to have software that let you print a whole sheet of passport size photos but that seems to have gone on one of my updates to Windows 10. But at least Picasso would have bee pleased with my efforts, and I do remember seeing some of his stuff in Barcelona in Feb 1999. Then I tried chatting up a girl with great hair and an American accent, who I discover the next day was a Russian ballerina, who happened to have a broken nose, but maybe it was Picasso doing her makeup in Las Ramblas.

Pictures are strange, and passport photos are even stranger, so you have to keep your sense of proportion in life and in photos, or you end up like a Picasso image.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC

Monday, 2 July 2018

Story Cards

This Chinese company send me a random email, about LCD greetings cards which you use to explain your products. So instead of a flyer you send this greeting card with a short video. I think its a great idea, obviously I saw how I would use it.

I'd record a video of me reciting a story, you could add if you wanted, the text on a ticker below plus any foreign translation. Such as Chinese below my words in English. So you watch the video inside the card and read the words and translation. You can do lots of other things too, such as having the story printed in full inside the card, just as songs are listed on CDs.

All in all the perfect way to discover my 2000 stories. I would want 50% of cover price just in case any Chinese companies are reading this. So you use a greetings card to share laughter and learn English.

A simple idea, www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com to HEAR me, and there's a bit of video on my Amazon page https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC

So if you are that Chinese company do contact me, and I'll start making videos of me telling stories, 2000 stories would make a lot of money potentially. But I won't hold my breath.

Sunday, 1 July 2018

Family Email- Guess what I found in the wardrobe

GUESS WHAT I FOUND IN THE WARDROBE?

I found 2 dead rats and a dead bird, Totoro had brought them in for us...

I also found Eve's 2 school shirts and other rubbish just squashed inside by

LAZY girls.

Luckily none of the rats' of bird's blood was on them.

I also found my SLIPPERS I knew I had another pair, they were hanging up.

In my BASKET, and can all baskets stay out of MY BASKET

I found a brand new purple jumper

I found a new yellow jumper

I found 2 new red Polo tops

I found a couple of other new tops.

Plus old tops that I need as bedware to protect my nipples after my heart op

as well as that I found 2 new pairs of trousers.

They were all in a sale 7 years ago but went missing once I put them away

and I found my 20 year old pair of formal trousers in the basket too.

SO STAY OUT OF MY BASKET OR I'LL BUT A STEEL CHAIN ON IT

AND FINALLLY LEAVE MY CLOTHES ALONE AND DO NOT THROW ANYTHING OUT

MRS CHINESE CASEY

I SHOULD HAVE ENOUGH TILL I DIE NOW, AND IF I DO THE PENSION THING IS

AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BASKET, for when you are a widow.

SO ALL AND ALL A VERY PRODUCTIVE DAY, APART FROM ONE STAB PAIN

ATTACK 90 MINS AGO

SO THOSE NEW PAIN RELIEF MEDS DON'T DO ANYTHING FOR THAT.

NOW WASH YOUR BUM, XI NI DI PIGU

******** I emailed this to the wife and kids when they were out. She read it in Sainsbury's on their free in store wifi, she was crying with laughter in the checkout queue.

300 and Not OUT has lots of stories like this in it.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC

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Published by michaelgcasey

I'm Michael Casey from Birmingham England, the fat silver haired writer in shades, well normally. Beware of Others with the exact same name, they are not me, and would not want to be me. Not unless they like dandruff... michaelgcasey Blogs Michael Casey from Birmingham England michaelgcasey cartoons made with words The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker About me Gender MALE Industry Arts Occupation Humour Writer of 1,330,000+ Words spread over 30 years like butter, ok I'm just a BAD housewife really, who writes while the breadwinner and kids are at work and school Location Birmingham in England, https://www.amazon.com/MichaelCasey/e/B00571G0YC, United Kingdom Links Audio Clip, Wishlist Introduction I'm from Birmingham England, Don't confuse me with anybody with SAME name. Look for the silly photos I add to my posts. Surreal is my favourite word too. I did get 21,000 Polish readers in 3 weeks just by word of mouth for a Translation of The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker on my site. I have readers in 26 different countries. Interests Writing, watching films on tv with my girls. I'm from Birmingham England, Don't confuse me with the Monk, or anybody else, I'm from Birmingham England, just look for the stupid photos I have written 1, 310, 000+ Words as of 21st May 2018 https://michaelgcaseyfrombirminghamengland.wordpress.com/ it can translate just click on square in top right corner ******** List of my 15 Books, written by me, Michael Casey The fat silver haired writer in shades from Birmingham England 1.The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker 2.Shoplife 3.Essays and Plays 4.Blogs 2011 5.300 and Not OUT 6.Shorts 2013 7.More Shorts 2014 8.Quick Stories 9.Still Alive 2015 10.Undiscovered Words 2016 11.Still Smiling 2017 12.Altogether Now 13.New Horizons 14.14 Up 15.15Down and 16. Sweet Sixteen my sites are these:- The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker, Michael Casey from Birmingham England, michaelgcasey cartoons made with words https://michaelgcaseyfrombirminghamengland.wordpress.com Favourite Films Its a Wonderful Life, RED & Red2, Hot Fuzz, Star Trek films, The Quiet Man, and good Thrillers, Link is to 1950s Don Camillo film in English. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wLf6VQyJJkE Favourite Music JMJarre, Annie Lennox, BarryWhite, Celine, Clapton. I used to go to live music in a bar for years, so I know a good band when i hear one. Favourite Books Don Camillo, The Book Thief, The Daily Telegraph and most online newspapers, Even the Guardian. Amazon has my books if you hack through the jungle my email is michaelgcasey@hotmail.com but without a decent subject line I just delete everything, especially free offers and people claiming to be dying and wishing to give me 6,000,000 dollars if I send them 1000 dollars first. Please don't waste my spit as they say in China. https://www.amazon.com/MichaelCasey/e/B00571G0YC 2015 was worst year in my life, after my Unplanned Quadruple Heart Bypass. My pulse was 230 beats a minute, they had to zap me to slow down my heart etc.It was supposed to be a Triple but I later learnt it was 4 grafts. So I'm lucky to be alive. i also have the joys of Arthur my arthritis. If ever I make loads of money I'd start a Pain Relief Centre. Grants to Study Pain, cause and relief. Maybe a database on pain with a server somewhere. To be decided once I earn the money to pay for it.And no I don't mean a house of ill repute, as I cannot play the piano like Les Dawson did. I hope to write 3,000,000 words before I die. I have reached 1,320,000 already. I have now produced 16 books, go to Amazon to BUY them. My daughter wants me to write 27 books, just like the 27 Dresses in the film, but writing books. It means she loves me and wants me to keep going. Yes many millions have more pain, I just bitch about it more eloquently or frequently. I heard a Coronation Street actress on a Radio 4 documentary talking about pain, and she was so so right. especially when she played the tape herself gasping for breath when the Pain Monster really hit her. I thought that's what it really is like. My Writer's profile on Amazon says it all. https://www.amazon.com/MichaelCasey/e/B00571G0YC https://www.amazon.co.uk/MichaelCasey/e/B00571G0YC as does my Blogger Profile https://www.blogger.com/profile/08360300604946924721 Google "michaelgcasey" and look for the fat silver haired writer in shades from Birmingham England look for the silly photos, not the posed photos. I am not the Monk of the same name either. This is my main site https://butcherbakerundertaker.blogspot.co.uk This is my backup site https://michaelgcasey.blogspot.co.uk And this is my other backup site https://michaelcaseyfrombirminghamengland.blogspot.co.uk https://www.blogger.com/profile/08360300604946924721 And if you want to hear me then http://www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com https://soundcloud.com/michaelgcasey If that doesn't make you sick then nothing will. So please buy some books now. I'd like to buy my daughter a car for when she goes to University. I'd also like to move house but I don't think I'll ever sell enough books to do that. Not unless that black cat perched outside our house brings a lottery win. All our own cat brought was flies. That's your lot it's 6/6/2018 now, on 6/6/1984 I was in Caen for the 40th Dday celebrations, a day I'll never forget.... Skip to content Just some of my one million words https://www.amazon.com/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC Facebook LinkedIn Twitter Instagram About Contact email only michaelgcasey@hotmail.com must have a good subject line About THIS IS MY ELEVATOR AD For my One Million Words of laughter over 30 years of writing. p.s. I have readers in:- Canada, USA, UK,Ireland, Australia,Russia,Poland,Czech,Germany, France,Portugal,Singapore,Nigeria and China, Phillipines to name but a few places. Hello, how about a Verbal Cartoon for Radio and all other media I grew up listening to the radio, we all used to hide under the blankets and listen when we should have been fast asleep. Radio did change my life, a lodger gave us a radio when he had to go back to Ireland to look after his sick mum. In fact he left all his stuff and caught the first boat home. Months later he came back to see us and said me and my brother could have his old Bush radio. I spent 20 years listening to radio. That and being afraid of Mr Gallagher when I was 8 changed my life, and improved my intellect. I met my Shanghai wife in the old people’s home, she was cleaning my dad’s room. I was positively vetted by a Chinese Ballerina from the Birmingham Royal Ballet, now we are married with 2 bilingual daughters. Even Totoro our cat is female and bilingual. I am the token male and English speaker in the family. Now here’s a few samples, what I’d like to do would be to read my shorts/blogs on your radio. Each piece is about 90 seconds long, 90 seconds with Michael is the idea, simple idea. I have gained 19,208 views on Funny or Die for a sample 1st chapter of Tears for a Butcher which will be my 8th book. Only the other day a publisher said my book of shorts 300 and Not OUT was very funny. In fact I must have 890+ shorts, enough for over a year. I have recorded 207 of them so far, 11 hours plus of audio. I have nearly 300,000 views on Google+ as well I have started recording all my Shorts and have put 50+ of them on www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com I have a new mike now too, so listen in reverse order. My 12 books are on Amazon Kindle http://www.amazon.com/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_pop_1 And https://butcherbakerundertaker.blogspot.co.uk Here’s the samples for radio or print. LinkedIn Profile and CV © By Michael Casey We’ve all been on Facebook and LinkedIn, we get to know people and make “friends”. On LinkedIn it’s more about connections and maybe business connections. So we have to rely on the Profile, my LinkedIn profile tells my story, as I am a writer. But how accurate are these Profiles? I am a born leader. Means he was the firstborn boy in a family of 11 girls. I created the supply chain structure. Means he decided to use a clipboard and notepad instead of just his memory. I optimised the sales among target audiences. He chatted up all the girls, he was kind to seniors and went to church. I was inventive and creative in gaining new sales. Means he designed a flyer and went street to street delivering them. I was never afraid of going the extra mile for the business. Means there was a street gang chasing him after he was at the bank I am great at communicating the business message. He just would not shut up, so the boss got him to tidy the fruit outside the ma and pa store. I always try and improve myself. Means he has no friends so he reads a lot. I created the new scheme to optimise the business cash flow. Means he took the store’s cash and put the money on a horse. I am now looking for new opportunities to excel Means he got fired, cops not called as the owner married to his sister I created a great new idea for centralising purchasing delivery. Means he was a guard for the money delivery company, crash helmet and visor. I created my own start-up company Means he stole the money from the cash delivery company and started his own company. I am now on a learning sabbatical before resuming my career Means he is in jail, working in the library. So when you read those LinkedIn profiles or reading a CV or resume think what do they really mean. Check the photos out too, the reality can be far different. Just like actors, photos can be 10 or 20 years old, and they are. Dig deeper. Me, I google and check people out, as far as you can on Google. Google me(michaelgcasey) and my sites and think for yourself. I am on a sabbatical myself, no I’m not in a library, thought we have plenty of books in the house, no it’s called arthritis, which comes and goes and makes me scream sometimes. But at least I can sit here and make some of you laugh, as I Google everybody. Sadly since I wrote my advert I need to add unplanned quadruple heart bypass to my advert, but I have written 4 more books these past few years, taking my total to 12 on Amazon, and I have nearly reached 1,000,000 words written. Let There Be Light © By Michael Casey Let my tears be my words Let the candle light be my eyes Let the flowers in bloom be my lips Let their scent be my blood Let the wind be my breath Let clouds be my mood Let children’s laughter be my hope Let widows’ sighs be my conscience Let a stranger’s prayers be my delight Let the bees be my wisdom Let the trees be my strength Let my patience reach to the stars Let me be always remembered in your prayers The Dead and The Living (c) by Michael Casey I first saw a deceased when I was nine years old, my father said not to worry as the dead are the same as the living, only the laughter has left them, the sparkle has gone from their eyes, the worry has been lifted from their shoulders, and their voice has vanished to eternity. In paradise the sparkle will return for it is the twinkle of the stars, the laughter will return too for it is the morning breeze and the turning tides are their sides shaking with laughter. I treat the deceased with the same courtesy as I give to the living, though I find the deceased are always more polite. My father also had a few words to say about the living. He said that the living are only the caretakers of the soul , yet they think their existence is everything, that they know everything because they experience many things with their senses. What the living don’t acknowledge is that their time is short and when I lay their bodies to rest then their souls continue without them, without their strong, without their weak, without their beautiful or even ugly temporary form, to where I cannot say, only that it is a better place. Percy the undertaker placed the lid on the coffin, the soul was free THE BEGINNING Sleepover© By Michael Casey Sleepover is exactly that, your sleep is over, you have laughing kids invading your house, and driving you out of your minds. Well not always, but it is very distracting. You can’t remember what you were doing and where has that file gone on the computer. This is the 2nd time I’m telling this story, why, because my Word, or upon my word, the story died or rather Word did not close properly, so now you’re getting something different. Total strangers, or strangers to you arrive at the house and kind of invade it for a night. You do shout up the stairs, keep them out of my room. Not because you have anything worth stealing, but they are stealing your privacy, and that’s all you have left if you have daughters in your house. Then the smell of nail varnish drifts down the stairs and permeates everywhere, its worse than mustard gas from the Great War. You scream up the stairs, open all the windows fully, what about your room, dad? Especially mine. Its then that your inner sanctum is breached as they bring their friends to help them open the window. They see the Teddy Bear that you’ve had since you were 6 years old, the invader laughs. She also sees the deep heat by your bed, And he complains about nail varnish. Dinner time arrives and you have to feed the cuckoo, only she doesn’t eat this or she doesn’t eat that, on principle. So you say, you’ll have to stave then. Your daughter, the host, is horrified, so you relent and flick a pound coin at them, cholesterol free oil used to make the chips. So a compromise is achieved. You put Sky Sports on to watch the match, they say Qatar is going to build underground stadia, novel idea. You are settling down to see Rooney when they arrive back chip laden. Her friend just loves the ballet and Sky Arts has Bolshoi on, so could they please please watch that. You say you’ll record it for them. But you are as bad as a puppy murderer even for suggesting it. So being a nice dad you let them watch the ballet on your 46inch tv, while you retreat to watch the match on the laptop upstairs. They never tell you about this at parenting classes, just how to change nappies. Let’s hope William and Kate are told. After the ballet they retreat upstairs for girlie music, and what were you doing in their room on the laptop. Didn’t you know you are just a dad not allowed in the inner sanctum. The Hits is switched on their dab radio at volume 13, you retreat to watch the after match talk on the big screen. Later its bath time, so you have to wait 2 hours for all the girls in your house, including the cuckoo, to pollute the bathroom before you a mere dad, and bill payer, can have a shave. Only your last razor has been used to save somebody’s legs. So everybody goes to bed, all is well, holding your teddy bear, you sleep soundly. Until 3am, when a banshee screaming wakes you, your wife and all the neighbours. It’s the cuckoo, she’s having a nightmare, it must be the chips, and the cholesterol free oil from them. Or half waking up and forgetting where she was. So remembering to put on your dressing gown you have to calm everybody down, and answer the door, to the police, as the neighbour from neighbourhood watch has rung them. So the police come in and have a look. Flatulence is written down in the Police note book. As you let the police out the house again your smallest daughter hands you your teddy bear, its ok dad, it’s only a sleepover. How do Men Shop? © By Michael Casey There is a difference between Men and Women, and thank God for it. But how do men shop? Shopping for men is about getting what you need, my shoes have a hole in them so I’ll go to the shop and buy another pair. A man will buy a new pair of shoes that are exactly the same as his old pair of shoes, or if he’s being adventurous he’ll have a pair of shoes which are exactly the same but with grey laces and not black. Now to a man this is being fashion conscious. If a man wants a new pair of trousers he just goes to the shop and sees if they have his leg/waist size and then tries them on, making sure they don’t split when he bends over and that his package is not squeezed. If a man needs a suit he checks the trousers before putting on the jacket, the jacket must be able to be done up without his belly exploding the buttons off. A man will never button up his suit jacket, but he needs to know that the buttons won’t fly off and hit anybody in the eye, if ever he does. If a man needs a shirt he checks the neck size, 18.5 in my case, and then he sees if its full fit or not. Then he buys 5 shirts exactly the same all in plastic . For a lazy shopper he’ll go straight to Slaters and get what he wants. In and out in 30 mins for everything. Then he’ll go to the pub and meet his mates and have one pint too many and leave all his shopping in the Queens Tavern. Luckily they are honest there and his shopping is saved, otherwise he’s have to waste 30mins in Slaters, before going back to the pub. This is basically the difference between men and women. Woman shop, men pick up clothes or whatever like an order picker does, without any passion. A man gets home and puts his shopping away and forgets about it. Just like in the film The Fly where the man’s wardrobe contains suits all the same colour, clothes are just a thing so they are all uniform. As for women shopping s something different, the clothes have to be tried on and they must make the woman look perfect, her bum or boobs mustn’t be to big or too small, everything should be right. To help the woman chose her clothes she brings two or three mates or her children with her. Her man is forced to come too, but he plugs Radio5 Live into his ear and listens to the football while she is choosing. Men know 5 colours, red, blue, red, green, yellow or maybe one or two more; as for a woman there are at least 50 colours, and just as the eskimos have 30 words for snow a woman has 10 words for each colour and its hews. This brave man, or am I stupid, I just give my wife the debit card and say leave me in peace, so she goes off with a smile with the girls with her, they are young Fashionistas after all. I decided years ago what a wife needed was space to shop and not constant looks at my watch. So that’s what she does and her bulging wardrobe will testify to the wisdom of my decision. When a woman comes home its 2 hours of mix and match to make sure that the new clothes match the old clothes, the husband tries to watch the big match on tv but his wife is prancing around the living room asking “does my bum show” and various other questions. It’s a penalty, and you sit on the edge of your seat, the wife appears and blocks your view, so you miss seeing why your side was relegated. Normal life in homes up and down the country. The next day you watch the match again in peace, you remembered to record it on Sky+ and as for the wife she’s gone back to the shop to return ½ of what she bought because it doesn’t match her shoes. And it’s your fault because you wouldn’t give her your debit card again so she could buy cheap £100 shoes. All Things Bright and Beautiful © By Michael Casey I haven’t written a non-pain piece in a while, so I’ll try and forget the pain and write something new. We’ve just had the half time holidays and my girls have been playing “shop-girls” as they call it. They even have a sign on their bedroom door saying “open” or “closed”. They steal my wife’s clothes and prance about upstairs. Our eldest daughter has bigger feet than my wife now so that’s a relief as she cannot steal my wife’s shoes any more, but it does not prevent her younger sister from wearing mum’s shoes. There is also the matter of the beret with silver sequins, that’s an absolute Fashion Must. Me, I’m not fashionable at all, three girls in the house is enough, if I gave in to them they’d be beading my eye brows, I do wear pink on occasions, so that’s as far as I go. If I were maybe 3 stones lighter I’d try other things, I did see a nice cord jacket in Cotton Traders 48R, it was bright blue, Kingfisher Blue, my girls called it a “Clown Jacket”. With encouragement like that what am I supposed to do? I did say if I win Euro millions I WILL buy the jacket. My wife has a nice light brown one, although as she is a woman there will be a more accurate colour name, men don’t do colours. If you think of it its black and white, blue, green, orange as far as men go, but women at least another 40 names for colours. As far as my hair goes, its silver, though a friend used to say I was an old man with white hair. As the colour of our hair change it’s the 7 ages of man. I remember Ali saying why wasn’t it “Whitemail” instead of blackmail. We are in the Pink if we have good health, I long to be back in the pink myself. We say we hope be back in the black not in the red when we do company accounts, we look for the silver linings. We look look look for the rainbow as the song goes, we may find the crock of gold, all our troubles may be over and we can pack them up in the old kit bag. Hope springs up within us, it is now Spring after all, and as Chance the Gardener said “in the Spring there will be growth.” Cheese and Chorizo © By Michael Casey The thing about girls is that they steal your stuff, you think they are nice and sweet smelling, but they are not. If they get up before you they’ll raid your side of the fridge and eat your cheese and chorizo. Cheese and chorizo on toast, with hot chocolate to follow, this is how your daughters treat you. This is how my girls treat me. Yesterday mum bought biscuits, and did she share them? NO. The girls got some but I got none. They were the ones I really like, its always the ones you really like. I looked high and low, just like an Ah Ha song, but nothing. JJ the wife just laughed at me as I went from pillar to post looking for a biscuit, the Tunnock ones. See this is how the 3 girls in my life treat me, I am biscuitless. Finally after much derision my small daughter showed me where the biscuits were, a new hiding place, that’s why I could not find them. So I was victorious, I sneaked a biscuit into my pocket and slipped away to eat it in peace. Shoes are a big thing, so our small daughter walks around the house in mum’s shoes, mine are too big so thankfully they are left alone. However having two daughters who like Textiles, which is the fancy word from school for sewing and making things. If they like textiles then your clothes are not safe, they drag a shirt or two out of the wardrobe and say they want to turn it into something. Jumpers are not safe either, they can cut them down to make a dress or even a handbag. And as for needles, it’s like having a porcupine in the family, DANGER. You only realise that after you have sat on a needle or two, the wife just says its free acupuncture, no need to asked Dr Hu to pay us a visit, and yes he really is Dr Hu, not Dr Who, but Dr Hu. Now that our 11year old is 5feet tall, as big as mum, she wants to wear her clothes, but you can imagine what kind of clothes a Shanghai girl wears. So there is debate in Chinese, I cannot understand a word, but SANINGONGA is heard quite often which means no. Which also means my girls, our girls will return to steal from my wardrobe again. In a way it’s like having moths, but instead of holes in your clothes, entire items just disappear. BUT it’s not just the girls, its mum too, she’ll decide that the Fashion Police would not like this item or that item, so it disappears. When do I find out? Never, or nearly never, until I walk past a charity shop and see a tent sized item in the window, it’s my clothes. So if you want to keep the clothes on your back, don’t have daughters. If you want your favourite food safe in your side of the fridge, the none Chinese side of the fridge, then don’t have daughters. If you want to save your pennies, don’t have a Shanghai wife. But then life would be boring, just make sure you look before you sit. From A to B from Sat Nav to Blocked Sink © By Michael Casey Well I hope you are all fine this morning. For us the Sat Nav debate continues. In the old days a Black Taxi would not be seen using an AtoZ, it was beneath his dignity. He’d done the Knowledge and it was all up there in his head. Jack Rozenthal wrote a great play about it, was it 30years ago? Maureen Lipman was his real wife. Delivery drivers have and egg and bacon butty in one hand dripping egg on to the AtoZ in their other hand while they try and deliver a chest of drawers, with 5 days growth of beard for good measure. Bus drivers know their route, so once they’ve done it a while its automatic, they know what they are doing. All they have to do is put up with kids trying to use a 3 day old ticket, and not get too high from all the cannabis on the bus. Or remember when they have switched routes because that can lead to strange directions. Door to door salesmen all those years ago, with the rap at tat tat on the back door had their route carrying the suitcase with samples in. I can vaguely remember one at our back door did my mum buy a clothes brush? But that must be 45 years ago. So basically we all know what we want and where we are going. Going further back they say people only knew a six block radius around their home. Going to War changed all that as did radio and then more importantly tv. Tv being our eyes on the world, previous to that only Merchant Seaman knew of the world. My own granddad was a merchant sea man, I sometimes wonder did he ever get to Shanghai Or was it me, his grandson who got there first. Had he visited at the turn of the 19th/20th Century 100years and more ago. Which brings us back to Sat Nav. Me I use a bus which is fine apart from the pot heads who sit next to you on the bus and all I want to do is puke. My wife is a car driver, so she and our girls love the car. But my wife has borrowed a Sat Nav and likes the ease of it so now she wants one of her own. The result is that I’m being nagged to provide one. You pay, me pay, yes you pay, why me pay, because you are the husband so you pay, no way me pay, you pay you pay yourself, I say. And on the ding dong, sing song goes. Which is the fun part. Me I no pay, use computer I say. You can get perfect directions off the computer all you then have to do is print them off, if our printer was still working we’d be doing that. So really all the wife has to do is copy them down, in English. She’s busy with the wok as I talk to you, she’s compromised now, she only wants me to pay half. So I say I’ll be doubly generous and double the share I won’t pay, I’ll pay zero and she can pay 100%. That’s the true spirit of negotiation, now I have another thing to resolve, she’s blocked the sink, so pardon me now as I take the plunge, or rather take the plunger to the sink, no need to use a Sat Nav to get there, its over my shoulder in the next room, just turn left at the tv and go straight on to the sound of bubbles. Love is everywhere don’t you know it, just find it, no Sat Nav required. My other idea is a book of shorts, 40 stories with 40 translations on facing page plus 40 audio of me reading my stories on usb stick. Perfect to teach English as a 2nd language, via humour. I was an Esol English teacher and gained 2 Excellents and an Exemplary on my external Assessment As I have written 1500+ stories this would be a series of 20 plus books So we could have Mandarin/Japanese/Urdu/Spanish/Hindi/Russian etc This would be a world wide hit, angel investors needed Thanks for reading this, that’s if Junk did not get it. I have come close and not got a cigar many times in my life, so I decided to try you. Radio is the medium for my words, 90 seconds with Michael, could go nationwide, it’s a simple idea, with great words, mine if I can be boastful. I have already recorded 200 of my 1500+ shorts, 11 hours plus of audio so far recorded. some can be heard at www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com Cheerio, Michael Casey Email michaelgcasey@hotmail.com https://butcherbakerundertaker.blogspot.co.uk www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com to hear 50+ stories http://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1 16 ebooks and 3 Printed on Paper Books http://www.amazon.com/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1 p.s. I have readers in:- Canada,USA,UK, Ireland,Australia,Russia,Poland,Czech,Germany, France,Portugal,Singapore,Nigeria and China to name but a few places. View all posts by michaelgcasey

Published 01/07/2018

here's an old family photo I stumbled over, only the kids have changed

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC

Politics

Saturday, 30 June 2018

Politics

somebody in USA sent me a begging email from Devin Nunes, so I replied to the email by sending this. Let's see if he replies....

Politics©

Michael Casey

They are all Bananas

They think they are the Biggest Apple

The Berries think they should have a turn.

I don't trust any of them.

Apples are the brightest the shinyest family.

Bananas are just as bent and crooked as their name.

Berries are just small fry and should be squashed.

Only Apples and Bananas have a right to rule.

A divine right to rule just like in England.

But we left England for freedom here.

And what did we get?

Apples and Bananas and those small fry Berries.

And we still keep on electing them.

The Apple family goes back years.

The Banana family came over on the Mayflower.

AS for the Berries, some say they are the bastard child of an Apple and a Banana.

So how should I vote Grandma?

Vote with your heart, and ignore all the bastards, Apple,Banana and Berries.

Just vote with your heart, but do vote only 1/4 of the population actually voted for the president. The opposition got just under 25% and 50% never even voted.

But Grandma its too complicated, I think I might join the 50% and NOT bother.

That’s all right little Michael, you're only in 4th grade after all.

I think I'll just punch the Apples, Bananas and the Berries, what do you say Michael?

Violence Grandma, is never justified, that's what the teacher says, but she's a bully.

Ok, I'll punch all of the fruitcakes, Apples,Bananas, Berries and all of the fruits,

Then I'll put it in the blender and then in a container, you can bring it to school.

That'll be great grandma, a mixed fruit punch for the school President elections.

Now give your grandma a kiss, and never trust any fruits.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC

Politics©

By Michael Casey