We had a somebody look at our house today, just to estimate value.
Hopefully we can find somewhere nice and bigger to move on to. This
reminded me that I had written this play 28 years ago or so, there's a
link to property in the play, its a short play. Perhaps a modern Taming
of the Shrew, not Politically Correct. Here have a read and if you want
to produce it do get in touch, you could even make it for video and sell
it in Macys and Walmart, then we could afford a really nice place.....
Battered Husband ©
by
Michael Casey
Opening
A fat man comes down the steps from an airport lounge , he is
Carrying bags , a young very attractive woman is with him . The woman is
carrying a small vanity case , while he struggles with the bags . They make
their way to the long stay car park .
Henry: The car's over here somewhere .
He waves his hand , by his voice we know he hasn't a clue .
Tracy: What colour did you say it was ?
Henry: Blue , sky blue - an estate .
After much searching they find the estate car .
Tracy: More like in a state than an estate car to me .
Henry: It's just the weather here , it has been parked for 3 weeks after all .
Tracy: I suppose so . (Grudgingly said)
Tracy waits while he fumbles for the keys and tries juggling the
Luggage as he searches his pockets .
Tracy: It might help if you put the luggage down .
Henry: Oh .
Henry puts the cases down , one belonging to Tracy with a "Las
Vegas" sticker on is put in a large puddle .
Tracy: Look out don't be so stupid , that's my best case and all .
Tracy grabs the case and rests it on the bonnet . Meanwhile Henry
Has found the key but his hand is wedged in his pocket . After watching
Him struggle for a while Tracy helps . She holds the outside of the
pocket down while he pulls the key out . The pocket is torn by his efforts .
Henry: Oh , never mind you can always sew it for me .
Tracy: You must be joking , I don't sew , I always got a friend to do
mine
Henry: Oh , I didn't know that .
Tracy: We'll find out about each other in time , after all that's
What marriage is for .
Henry: And one or two other things . (He smirks)
Tracy: Pardon ?
Henry: Yes , my Twinky Pinky .
Tracy is annoyed by this and looks around to see if he has been
Heard before she hisses a reply while giving him a laser look .
Tracy: That's our private , special words , NOT to be used in a car
park .
Henry: Sorry .
Henry opens the boot , loads all the luggage before opening the
Drivers door . Then he leans across to let her in . Reluctantly Tracy gets in
Tracy: IF you were a gentleman you'd have let me in first , then put
The luggage in , or at least held the door open for me . Your
an uncivilised animal you are .
Henry: You said it was the animal in me that you liked , the first
Two nights before we decided to get married .
Tracy is stunned by this remark then is about to reply when Henry
Pulls off , forcing her into the back of her seat .
We watch as they drive off . (FADEOUT)
We next see them driving through a nice suburb , Tracy perks up .
Tracy: So you live around here ? (EXCITED)
Henry: Yes .
Tracy: They are all very nice houses , is yours - I mean ours , is it
Like that one ?
Tracy points out an absolute mansion , Henry gulps .
Henry: Well er , you will have to wait and see .
Tracy: Go on tell me now .
Henry: No , you'll enjoy the surprise more if you wait .
Tracy: You tease .
Henry: If I remember right you said you liked being teased .
Tracy blushes , for the rest of the journey she points out
houses ,waiting for his reaction . Gradually the houses are less grand but
still nice , finally they are in a lower middle class area . They turn
into a pretty side road , Tracy is downhearted but at least the houses look
nice .
Tracy: Well at least this is a nice cul de sac .
Tracy looks around trying to guess which is her new home .
Tracy: Oh look at that funny little house at the end .
Henry gulps , she does not notice , he drives up the drive .
Tracy: But , but you said you had a nice house . You said you were a
man of property .
Henry: But I am , please don't cry , everything will be ok , just trust
me .
Tracy: But you said it was .
Tracy starts to cry .
Henry: You were crying when we first met , after the oil millionaire
left you .
Tracy: But you promised .
Henry stops the engine .
Henry: Can you open the garage doors for me , then we'll go in and
have a nice cup of tea , you'll be ok then .
Tracy: You'll explain everything then ?
Henry :Promise . Then we can go to bed .
Tracy: But its only 2pm .
Henry: To sleep off the jet lag .
Henry passes her the keys and she gets out . Opening the garage
doors a pile of "Sold" and "For Sale" signs fall out . Tracy looks at
him accusingly .
Henry: Its for my work .
Tracy: What exactly do you do in property ?
Henry: Well I er , let’s get inside first , its cold out here after
Vegas .
Tracy: What are all these signs doing here ?
Henry: They are for my work .
Tracy: What kind of work ?
Henry: Property work .
Tracy: What do you do with them ?
Henry: I put them up , and I take them down .
Tracy: So you're a sign man .
Henry: A property sign man .
Tracy: Is that all you do .
Henry: Well property is my main concern .
Tracy: So you don't have an office or your own company .
Henry: I am self-employed .
Tracy: A sign man .
Tracy moves out of the garage and trips on a "Sold" sign , Henry
gets out of the car to help her . She struggles up, and throws the sign at
him .
Tracy: I've laddered my stocking now .
Tracy hitches her dress to reveal her leg, Henry oggles her . Tracy
sees this so drops the dress and marches off and lets herself into the
house.
Henry starts to move the boards out of the way when there is a loud
Scream from inside , he drops the boards in shock .
Fadeout
We next see them in the kitchen , Tracy has been crying her face is
Tear stained . Cups of tea are in front of them .
Henry: Here have a biscuit they are your favourite .
Tracy reluctantly takes one, but spits it out straight into Henry's
face
Tracy: It's stale .
She looks around the kitchen then starts to cry again.
The kitchen is in a real state, with paper peeling and washing up still in the sink from before Henry went on holidays .
Henry: They can't be that bad .
Henry tries the biscuits, he quite likes them, so he eats
several .
Tracy: Look at the place though , you said it was beautiful , you
said it was like a palace .
Henry: Well it is .
Henry looks around then realises that she is right .
Henry: Well it used to be when I used to visit my aunt here .
Tracy: How long ago is that ?
Henry: Not long .
Tracy stares at him though her tears. After a long pause he
Finally decides to tell the truth .
Henry: When I was a teenager .
Tracy's tears flow again .
Henry: But I've been only been here a while I haven't had time to do
The place up, I do work hard you know I don't have time to fix it
up.
A ceiling tile comes loose and falls on his head . Tracy is
cheered by this.
Henry: Ok I'll start next week. It will be fun doing it up just the
Way we like it . It will be OUR home, OUR nest .
Tracy: Promise ?
Henry: Promise .
Tracy wipes her tears away . Henry leans across the table to seal
The bargain with a kiss, only he spills the rest of her cup of tea all
Over her. She jumps up .
Tracy: You idiot , it'll stain my dress , not to mention I could be
Scarred for life . A dancer can't have stains you know .
Henry: Sorry . Let me wipe it off .
Henry grabs a filthy rag from beside the mountain of washing up and
daps her down.
Tracy: Thank you . (SARCASTICALLY)
Henry: It's alright , show me your leg are you burned ?
Henry starts to lift the dress , Tracy slaps his face , and storms
off to the bathroom . She shouts over her shoulder.
Tracy: If I want tea thrown over me and you groping me then I'll tell
you .
Henry: But I was only trying to help .
We hear the sound of her steps up the stair , then a pause while
Henry wrings out the rag all over the washing up . Then the bathroom
door is slammed, several ceiling tiles fall over Henry's head in the
kitchen.
Henry: She'll get used to it . It will be nice having a little lady
Around to help with the housework , I bet deep down she's a right
homemaker.
Henry starts to clear up the washing left from before the hols , he
Has filled the bowl and is starting the washing up when there is a loud
Scream from upstairs. He drops a plate in fright, then still clutching
the mop for cleaning cups he storms upstairs .
In the bathroom Tracy is in the bath, she is froze in terror ,
she ispointing. There is a spider crawling around the edge. Henry sees
this and gulps as he is afraid of spiders too.
Henry: I'll crush it with this . (HOLDING THE WASHING UP MOP ALOFT)
Tracy: NO , it'll fall into the bath then .
Henry: What shall I do then ?
Tracy: Pick it up and flush it down the loo .
Henry: Crushing would be easier .
Tracy screams, the spider has moved . Henry summons all his
strength and half closing his eyes in terror he grabs the spider and flushes down
the toilet.
Henry: There emergency over .
Tracy: Flush it twice , and put some Domestos down .
Henry does as requested . Tracy relaxes now .
Tracy: You are brave aren't you .
Henry: Not really . (HE'S VERY PROUD OF HIMSELF)
Henry stands there not knowing what to do next . After a moment
Tracy is back to her normal self.
Tracy: What are you standing there for don't you have some washing
up to do?
Henry looks at the washing up mop in his hand.
Henry: OH yes , your leg is ok ?
Tracy: Yes thanks . (SHE IS HUMAN FOR A SECOND)
Henry: You don't want me to scrub your back?
Tracy: NO. (INDIGNANT)
Henry leaves the bathroom reluctantly. He stops by the door .
Henry: Is that another spider ?
Tracy: WHERE , WHERE . (IN PANIC)
Henry : Only Joking , Well I'll get back to the kitchen unless you
want me to wash your back ? (HALF HOPING)
Tracy answers by throwing the sponge in his face . (FADEOUT)
In the kitchen Henry is up a ladder just putting the last new ceiling
Tile in position , he is over stretched up a ladder . Tracy comes in
Shaking her hands to dry the nail varnish .
Henry: Look , one decorated kitchen , aren't you proud of me ?
He holds out his hands expansively. Tracy looks around mildly
impressed
Tracy: You better give that one another push or it'll fall .
She points at one tile. Henry reaches over to give it another push
While the glue is still tacky . In doing so he over balances and has to
stand in the sink to save falling His leg breaks all the crockery and a
splash lands on Tracy .
Tracy: Fool , look what you've done you've broken all the
crockery . My mother send it as a wedding present. And you've ruined my
dress ,I'll HAVE to have another.
Tracy wipes the tiny spot with a tea towel, only to discover Henry
Has been using it to wipe the ceiling glue from his hand . Now the
dress is really ruined.
Tracy: Oh you idiot , look what you've made me do now . And I think
I've broken my best nail .
Tracy throws the tea towel in Henry's face , he grabs it and
tries to throw it back only it sticks to his hand. Tracy storms off, while
Henry dismounts from the kitchen sink with great effort and much strain to
The sink . Henry looks around at his handwork and is admiring it when
Tracy reappears.
Henry: Sorry my Twinky Pinky , but you do like the kitchen ?
Tracy: It's great , really great .
Henry moves closer and steals a kiss, Tracy allows him the one
kiss.
Tracy: I've got to go out now - to buy a new dress , can you let me
Have some money ?
Tracy gives him her most seductive look , Henry is smitten.
Henry: My wallet is on the settee in the living room .
Tracy: Thanks love.
She gives him a lingering kiss before leaving the kitchen ,
after a moment she returns.
Tracy: Just one more thing love , could you start on the living room
next, p l e a s e .
She gives him another kiss, Henry would climb mount Everest now with
Just a washing line as a rope such is her persuasive powers . Tracy pulls
Away from him, while Henry is still catching his breath the front
door is heard being slammed shut . A tile floats down onto Henry's head
(FADEOUT)
Henry is in the newly decorated living room when Tracy comes in
She starts to inspect his work.
Tracy: Not bad , not bad at all. But now it makes the furniture look
bad .
Henry: How do you mean ?
Tracy: Well the room looks good , very good even but the furniture
doesn't
match. It's like Steptoe's now, the furniture .
Tracy looks around the room from furniture to walls and ceiling, then
Back again.
Henry: It's not that bad , besides how do you remember Steptoe ,
have youbeen lying about your age my Twinky Pinky .
Tracy: I don't need to lie , I'm twenty-four .
Henry: But the furniture is ok .
Henry moves towards Tracy, and gives her his best "five year old"
look, hoping she won't make him buy new furniture .
Tracy: I'm sorry but we must have new furniture , after all you do
want the best for your family .
Henry: Family ! You're not , we're not ?
Henry looks anxious and pleased.
Tracy: Certainly not . WE won't have a child till I am ready to hang
up my dancing shoes . I've got another audition soon.
Henry is visibly upset
Henry: Oh, but about the furniture can it wait a while , I mean
money is tight .
Tracy: You said you were loaded when I met you .
Henry : Well I was, I won the holiday and spending money on the back
of a slimming magazine . I was in the dentist's at the time and it
must have been the first time ever the magazines weren't ten years
old .
Tracy: Be that as it may , WE must have new furniture .
Henry: But where do I get the money from , do you want me to rob a
bank?
Tracy is stumped for a while, she looks around the room , then
she cuddles up to him, getting close for the kill . Henry is pleased
that she is close to him . Tracy allows him to kiss her, she looks at the
room as they embrace then she pulls away suddenly. Her plan is formed .
Tracy: I've got it !
Henry: Got what ! (SLIGHTLY ALARMED)
Tracy: You are really quite a good decorator .
Henry: Oh thanks . (COYLY LIKE OLIVER HARDY)
Tracy: You can go out and decorate in the evenings when you come
home . You can start on the neighbours then move further afield .
Henry :But I'm not good enough .
Tracy: You'll learn by your mistakes .
Henry: But I'm tired when I come in .
Tracy: So am I after my dance practices and my jogging and my squash
And all the reading I do .
Henry: But the furniture’s ok there's no need for it , you could make
Covers if you really don't like the furniture any more .
Tracy: You are forgetting one thing , I DON'T sew , if you love me
you'd do it .
Tracy puts on her best sad face , Henry gives in .
Henry: All right then but don't complain if I'm to tired to talk .
Tracy: You're not much of a talker anyway, You don't even read , I've
Read over 100 Barbara Cartland books .You do promise though ?
Tracy looks him in the eye, giving her little girl lost look .
Henry: I promise .
Tracy kisses him and allows him to enjoy himself, he is
Getting overheated when she pulls away .
Tracy: That can wait till later , you can take me out first .
Henry: Do we have to go out first ? (ALMOST PLEADINGLY)
Tracy: Yes , and I want to be surprised too .
Henry: Alright then.
Henry grabs her by the arm and they leave the living room .
(FADEOUT)
We are in the living room when there is a sound of a car pulling
up, doors banging and raised voices . Tracy storms into the living
room putting the lights on . She throws herself into an armchair and
sulks.
Henry enters the room .
Henry: So you didn't like the Bingo ?
Silence
Henry looks at his shoes and plays with the car keys .
Henry: I thought you'd like it, we could have won some money for the
House to buy new furniture with. Or to save for some rainy day or
for when we have a family. If only you'd have waited the National
Game was on in a couple of minutes .
Tracy screams and reaches down beside the armchair and picks up a
book and throws it at him . It hits him a low blow, he snatches at the book
and in his anger is about to throw it back but thinks better of it and puts
it in his coat pocket .
WE DO NOT SEE THE TITLE
Henry :Oh please Tracy , talk to me , I am sorry I just didn't think .
Tracy: That's your trouble you don't think .
Henry: I'll start the decorating .
(HOPING FOR A GOOD REACTION )
Henry moves closer to where she is sitting . Tracy is silent for a
Moment for a while . Then still with her back from him she speaks.
Tracy: Promise .
Henry: I promise .
Tracy: Good , because while I was pretending to be at the loo at
That horrid bingo place , I rang Mrs Toomey to say you'd start on
Her living room tomorrow evening .
Henry: You sly bitch .
Tracy: If you're going to swear at me then I'M off to bed and if you
Ever swear at me again then I'll go back to mother .
Tracy storms off past Henry , he is left standing in the living room
alone, patting his sides in despair he feels a lump, he remembers the
book, taking it out he looks at it , it makes him smile so he puts it
back in his pocket.
(WE DO NOT SEE THE TITLE , PERHAPS THE COVER IS
DOGEARED)
Suddenly there is,a call from upstairs.
Tracy's Voice: Well I thought you were going to surprise me!
A smiling Henry races out of the living room, the camera stays there
But we hear Henry.
Henry's Voice :Come to me my "Twinky Pinky"
Then we hear giggling form Tracy . (FADEOUT)
A paint smattered Henry comes into the kitchen , a fist-full of
money in his hand .
Henry: Mrs Toomey paid me , look .
Tracy looks up from the remains of her meal , her eyes widen at the
Sight of the money.
Tracy: Great I saw a nice three piece in that new furniture shop in
town.
She grabs the money and counts it.
Tracy: Not bad for three evenings work .
Henry: Hard work .
Tracy: Yes of course dear "hard work"
(SHE IS STILL LOOKING AT THEMONEY)
Henry: Don't I get a kiss .
Tracy: Of course dear.
Tracy pouts but holds her body away, she doesn't want paint all over
her.
Tracy: Well this will be the deposit , the other £900 you can pay off
Over a year. It's interest free credit so I know you'll approve.
Henry opens his mouth to say something but decides better of it.
Henry: Any food my Pinky Winky, I'm famished after all the decorating
Tracy: Oh sorry I thought you'd go down the chippy, I could cook
You something only I'm due at the squash club . Besides you could
do with losing a bit of weight.
Henry: Do you have go to the squash club couldn't we just have a nice
Night in ? We could cuddle up in front of the fire.
Tracy: We can do that as soon as the new furniture is here . Thanks
for the money though ; by the way can you start on Mrs Johnson's
tomorrow.
Tracy gives him another peck and is off , before he can complain .
Henry heads for the fridge which is almost empty, he finds three fish
fingers .
Henry: Looks like fish fingers AGAIN . (FADEOUT)
In the living room the new furniture has arrived . Tracy looks happy
She is watching Dallas, Henry tries to speak but is hushed till the
credits role.
Tracy: Yes dear , what were you going to say ? (OFF HANDEDLY)
Henry: Well , as we have got the new furniture and I'm making a bit
With the decorating do you think we should think about children ?
Tracy: I don't know about that , I mean I cann't work while I'm fat .
Henry: But you hardly work as it is , you just practice .
Tracy: I worked in Las Vegas didn't I , who knows what might happen .
Henry: But you only stood in for a few weeks when your friend was
Sick while you were out there visiting .
Tracy: You know how to offend me don't you, and after all I done for
you.
Henry: I'm sorry.
There is a painful silence, then Henry puts his arm around her.
Henry: Didn't you say we'd have a cuddle in front of the fire once the
New furniture was here?
Tracy: Did I?
Henry nibbles her ear, after a while Tracy responds . As they
embrace we
hear Tracy say .
Tracy: Don't leave any marks I've an audition tomorrow. (FADEOUT)
We see Tracy in the kitchen with the ironing board out, she is
ironing a
leotard - badly . Henry comes in covered paint.
Henry: I've never seen you iron before .
Tracy: I don't normally, Mrs Toomey does it I pay her a fiver a week
to do ours. Only she's out. (PANICY)
Henry: I didn't know that .
Tracy: You don't know everything . (RATTY)
Henry: You having trouble ?
Tracy: Yes , I've got a stand in job at the last moment only I need to
iron
this .
Henry: Can I help you . I've done my own for years - I'm quite good .
Tracy: You ! (SURPRISED)
Henry: Move over and watch an expert .
Tracy: Wait ! You are covered in paint .
Tracy grabs a pinny and sticks it around him then makes him put on
Rubber gloves too .
Tracy: Ok . Do your best , it’s really important to me .
Henry irons like a true natural . Tracy is amazed and jumps up
like a school girl to kiss him .
Tracy: You've saved my life .
Henry: I should iron all the time if I get such praise .
Henry hugs her again , Tracy is so relieved that she allows this .
Then looking at the kitchen clock over Henry's shoulder she pulls away .
Tracy: I must dash . See you .
Henry: I'll wait up for you .
Tracy leaves the kitchen clutching the ironed garment . After a
moment she returns .
Tracy: I've just thought , if you are so good at ironing its silly to
Pay somebody, I mean it'll save £250 a year . Oh don't bother
waiting up I'll be too tired .
With that she leaves the kitchen leaving Henry in his rubber gloves
And pinny staring at the ironing board .
(FADEOUT)
Henry comes running into the house and into the living room where
Tracy is reading a Jackie Collins . He is fit to burst with his news . Tracy
Just hushes him and carries on reading, hissing at him .
Tracy: Wait a bit I've nearly finished this . You don't know what it's
Like finish a really good book . (SARCASTICALLY)
Henry: Actually I am reading a book , the one you threw at me .
(MUMBLES)
Tracy: Oh do shut up I'm trying to concentrate.
After a while she has finished the book and she switches the tv on .
Henry: As I was about to say - I've won some money on the
bingo.
Tracy appears a little interested .
Henry:£200 to be exact .
Tracy: Well at least we can use it to buy a new bed . Ours has one
Cracked leg already.
Tracy holds out her hand for the money, so Henry goes over and
places it in her hand. She gives him a peck , Henry wants more but he is
pushed away .
Tracy: Can't you wait till later there's a film on I want to watch
now .
Henry: I suppose I'll have to .
Tracy: You won't like this film it’s a Fred Astaire one .
Henry: I may as well do the ironing then .
Tracy: Yes do that and don't burn my knickers like you did last week .
Henry: I'll try not to .
Tracy watches the tv as Henry heads off for the ironing .
(Fadeout)
The next day Henry is sitting in his car a sandwich box on the
Passenger seat and a book open over the wheel.
Henry: She never shows her feelings, I think I'm a skivvy sometimes.
He reaches into his lunch box and takes out a sandwich under the
Sandwich is a note , so he opens it .
Henry: "You burnt my knickers again , so buy me some more"
(READ ALOUD)
What does she except with those ones , she does insist I
Iron everything , even her most delicate stuff .
He is about to put the note down when he sees the P.S.
Henry: "P.S. You can choose the colour as I only wear them for you -
Love Twinky Pinky"
Henry smiles and puts the note in his shirt pocket next to his
heart.
Henry: There are some compensations for being married to her , even
though I am always tired - what with all the decorating and the
ironing .It would be nice to have a family though but she says she not
ready yet she just wants to try being a dancer for a few more years
yet .
He finishes his sandwich then with a sigh pulls out and drives
away
(FADEOUT)
Henry is in the living room doing the ironing while watching the
Snooker when Tracy bursts in wearing sports gear.
Tracy: You've got to help me Henry , you've just got to .
Henry: What's up ?
Tracy: I was at the squash club when I had a game with this man ,
only he turned out to be the owner , only I didn't know . Well I beat
him ,then he told me if I could beat him again he'd give me a job .
Henry: But what about your dancing ?
Tracy: 'm getting to old now , I mean I'm 25 next month . Besides we
Need the money if we're going to have a new roof put on the house
and have it rendered .
Henry: What new roof ? I didn't know we were having a new roof .
Tracy: Well we have got to have one and new wiring. Especially if we
Have a family .
Henry: You mean , you , I mean us , I mean you , I mean a baby .
(EXCITED)
Tracy: Certainly not , I'm not ready for wrinkles yet !
Henry Oh . But how can I help ?
Tracy looks at her watch then starts to undress, while walking out
of the living room and into the hall with Henry following .
Tracy: We haven't much time , we will have to hurry .
She is trailing her clothes behind her .
Henry: But but but what has this, us, well Twinky Pinky how will
This get you a job ?
Tracy: By you washing and ironing while I have a bath .
With that we see her knickers thrown in Henry's face as she
Dashes upstairs to the bathroom . Henry picks up the other items of sports
wear and heads back for the kitchen and his washing machine . He is
stopped in his tracks by a scream.
Tracy' Voice:Help there's a spider ! (SCREAM)
Henry: Pick it up and flush it twice and don't forget the Domestos .
Tracy's Voice:Help , Help , Help oh please my Tumble Tum .
Henry's ears prick up on hearing "Tumble Tum"
Henry: Just a moment Twinky Pinky I'll get the new improved domestos.
We view Henry dash from the hall then return with a giant Domestos
and the washing up mop ,then dash up the stairs .There are sounds of battle
with the spider then we hear the voices again, all heard while the
camera views the hall .
Tracy's voice: Tumble Tum , my hero .
Henry's voice: Twinky Pinky .
Tracy's voice: Tumble Tum you are so brave .
There is silence for a moment , then an enormous splash , some
Water trickles down the stairs . Then there are giggles . Then silence.
Tracy's voice :
This would be much more fun if we had a jacoozi.
(FADEOUT)
Henry comes rushing in all excited , he finds Tracy as ever in
front of the tv watching Dallas , with a Jackie Collins open besides her .
Henry:
I've won again , look I've won .
He holds out a wad of notes , he is smiling from ear to ear .
Tracy: Hold on a minute , JR is about to win at Blackjack , there
he's won
$50,000 .(SHE POINTS TO THE TV) Now how much did you win ?
Henry: £500 , look ! (HE WAVES THE MONEY ABOUT ) .
Tracy: Very good dear , you better give it to me, it’s just enough
for a microwave I saw the other day , I'm not saying your cooking is
bad but a microwave will help it I'm sure.
Henry hands over the money, Tracy puts it in her book and closes
it, then she resumes her religious observances (ie.Watching Dallas) .
After a while Dallas ends.
Tracy: Well I better be off to bed then, there's nothing any good on
The box nowadays and I've read enough for today . (SHE GETS UP
ANDSWITCHES OFF THE TV) Goodnight Henry , and try not to wake me
up when you go to bed .
Henry: All right then , I suppose I may as well do some ironing then.
Tracy goes to bed , Henry goes and does some ironing . We time
lapse to show that he has done a load of ironing (Mainly Tracy's) He has the
book that Tracy threw at him on the ironing board he reads as he irons.
There's a cry of "Henry , oh Henry I'm bored " from Tracy upstairs .
Henry goes to the foot of the stairs and shouts
Henry: I thought you were going to sleep .
Tracy's Voice: But I'm not tired enough .
Henry: Try reading a book .
Tracy Voice: Oh Henry . (PLEADINGLY)
Henry looks to heaven in despair and turns back to go to the
kitchen to resume his ironing, but a call stops him in his tracts .
Tracy's Voice: Oh Tumble Tum , Twinky Pinky needs you .
Henry: England expects that every man shall due his duty . (MUMBLES)
Henry races up the stairs .
Henry: Tumble Tum to the rescue .
We next see Henry and Tracy in bed after Tumble Tum has done his duty
Henry is smiling but in a state of shock, Tracy has her back to him
and is reaching for a book to read .
Tracy: Perhaps I'll finish this book before I go to sleep.
Tracy starts to read, Henry is still in a state of shock , after
Reading for a while and turning over to the next page Tracy looks over
her shoulder at Henry.
Tracy: Haven't you got something better to do ? Such as the ironing .
Henry: What dear ? (STILL IN SHOCK , THOUGH IT IS HAPPY SHOCK)
Tracy: Aren't you going to finish the ironing ?
Henry: What dear .
Tracy: The ironing . (SHE TURNS OVER TO FACE HIM)
Henry: Oh the ironing . (HE SAYS THE WORDS BUT DOES NOT UNDERSTAND
THEM)
Tracy: Go and finish the ironing !
With that she kicks him out of bed and as he staggers away she
resumes herreading . We hear Henry croak "I'll just finish the ironing" , then
from the view of Tracy still reading we hear a crash as he falls down
stairs .
Henry's Voice: It's ok I'm fine . (FAINT AND IN PAIN)
Tracy: Sush , I'm at the climax now .
With a flourish Tracy closes the book and switches off the bedside
lamp ,in the background we hear Henry moaning
(Fadeout)
Henry is in his car with the book across the wheel and his sandwich
box on the passenger seat .
Henry: I won on the bingo again and what does she do , she takes the
Money and buys a microwave . (HE IS UPSET)
He has another sandwich before continuing with his "Self Lecturing" .
Henry: I think she takes me for granted, after all I do for her ,
well I'm not going to stand for it any longer , I'm going to tell her
that I'm the man about the house and it’s about time she played the
woman and did some housework and had some kids . I'll be drawing my
old age pension before she decides she's ready for kids . Well
things have to change and change now .
He closes his lunch box defiantly. Then pulls out sharply, all
the "sold" signs rattle in the back . In voice over we hear him say.
Henry's Voice :Yes things will change ,but first I'll post my pools
Coupon I'll have to stop off at the lingerie shop too - I
burnt her knickers again.
(FADEOUT)
Henry comes running into the house all happy, Tracy is waiting for
him in the kitchen.
Tracy: What do you think you are playing at ? Look at this mess in
here.
Henry has not done the washing up, the ironing is not done either .
Henry: But , but I can explain I have some great news . I've won some
money
Tracy: That's no excuse . I've off to the squash club now and if this
Messi s not cleared up then they'll be trouble .
Henry: But I've won some money .
Tracy: Good , hand it over then .
She holds out her hand .
Henry: I haven't got it yet , but it’s a lot . I'll know how much in
a few days , we can start a family now .
Tracy: Don't be disgusting , I'm not getting all wrinkled up at my age
Henry: But Twinky Pinky . (PLEADINGLY)
Tracy: Don't you Twinky Winky me , just tidy up this mess . And if
you've won so much money then we'll carpet the spare rooms , it’s the
last day of the carpet sale tomorrow . So you can pull up the old
carpet tonight then we'll get the new one fitted tomorrow .
She walks away in triumph , Henry is left open-mouthed . Tracy
suddenly turns back .
Tracy: One other thing , try not to burn my knickers with the iron .
Henry: I'll do my best .(DEFEATED)
(FADEOUT)
Tracy comes back to the house late, she goes into the kitchen for a
Glass of milk only to find all her knickers burnt , an iron shape on each .
She is livid.
Tracy: Henry, where are you horribly little fat slob ? (ENRAGED)
She searches for him but does not find him, in a state she goes to
The bathroom and slams the door. We hear her inside pouring the water
for a bath then getting in.
Tracy's Voice :I'll ring his neck the idle good for nothing , he'll
give me blood pressure he will , and after all I've done for
him.
Downstairs the front door slams open and Henry, a very pissed Henry
comesin carrying a shoebox.
Tracy's Voice: Is that you Henry , is that you ?
Henry: Yes Twinky Pinky, your lover , your husband, your Twinky
Pinky is home, I bring great gifts for you , I'm rich , I'm so very
rich.
Tracy's Voice: You sound so different , so manly , (PAUSE) are you
drunk ?
Henry: Yes drunk with your beauty , with your charms , with your
love .
Tracy's Voice: If you're drunk then you can sleep on the settee .
Henry climbs the stairs cradling the shoebox and busts into the
bathroom
Tracy screams .
Henry: Behold I bring you a present .
Tracy: I've got seventeen pairs of shoes already . You don't think
I'm going to forgive you for burning my knickers just for a bribe
of a pair of shoes . And I bet you haven't pulled the carpet up.
Henry: But these shoes are special.
With that he lunges forward and nearly falls in the bath as he opens
The shoebox . Out pour lots of spiders .
Tracy: NO , NO , PLEASE NO .
Henry: Don't you like your present Twinky Winky , Tumble Tum spent
Hours looking for them .
Tracy has a screaming fit , then grabbing a towel she jumps out of
The bath and heads for the bedroom , In getting out of the bath she
Knocks Henry in . So a drenched Henry follows her along the corridor and
Hammers on the bedroom door .
Henry: It's me , Tumble Tum Your Lord and Master . Haven't you got a
Kiss for me, my little Twinky Winky .
Tracy's Voice: Go away you horrid man , you burnt all my knickers
then you frighten me to death with those spiders .
Henry: But I'll make amends , come I'll pull up the carpet , come
And watch .
Tracy's Voice :Go away you horrid little fat man , go away .
Henry is enraged he knocks the door off its hinges and drags her
out of bed. He takes her to the spare room.
Henry: Look I'll pull up the carpet .
Henry pulls up the carpet , he stands heaving and sweating and
Glaring looking at Tracy .
Henry: Satisfied ? (SHOUTED)
Tracy: You are a silly little fat man , I don't want to see you ever
again
She turns her back on him and adds over her shoulder .
Tracy: Your treatment of me tonight is possible grounds for divorce .
Henry: Divorce but I'm your husband .
Tracy turns to face him .
Tracy: You are a monster .
Henry: Monster am I , then I'll behave like one .
With that he lunges at her and throws her to the ground. Tracy
cowers not knowing what he'll do next . There is a pause for a moment then
Henry rushes for her or so it seems .
IN fact what Henry does in roll her up in the carpet then carry her downstairs while she is screaming all the time.
Henry then takes her and the carpet out of the house and throws his
Burden into a skip that is over the road . Then he goes back inside the
house .
(FADEOUT)
We next see Henry Watching the TV with the remains of a good meal
on at ray besides him . Henry now sports a moustache, there is a book
beside him , he's been reading the same book for ages . Tracy comes into
the living room , she is all fawning , she clears up his tray .
Then like a flunky she waits to be allowed to speak .
Henry: Just a moment , I've nearly finished this book .
He closes the book, finished he is very proud of himself.
Henry: What was it Tracy ?
Tracy: Well I've got little Henry back to sleep and I've fed the twins,
so I was wondering , well you know . (SHE PAUSES) .
Twinky Winky wants her Tumble Tum . (COYLY)
Henry: You have ironed my boxer shorts ?
Tracy Twinky Winkly has done everything O mighty Tumble Tum .
Henry looks at his watch, before he answers .
Henry: Match of the Day is not on for a bit so Tumble Tum is the man
That likes to say YES !
Tracy: Oh Tumble Tum !
Henry: Oh Twinky Winky !
We pan back from the settee and just see garments being discarded ,
And Henry throws his book away.
Henry: And you said I'd never read a book .
Tracy: And I said I didn't want children .
Henry: I think we should try for 15 then we can have our own rugby
team .
Tracy: I'm not having more than 6 .
Henry: Let's try for 15 but only have 6 .
Tracy: You are naughty .
Henry: Naughty but nice .
To the sounds of giggles we pan back, we now see the one book Henry
Has managed to read. It is "Battered Husband" by Michael Casey. We
pan out further till we see the outside of the house , there are 3 Rolls Royces
outside the registrations are "Tracy" , "Henry" and "Battered Husband" .
To sounds of Tracy and Henry the credits roll.
WE COULD DO WHAT JERRY LEWIS DID IN ONE FILM AND PAN OUT EVEN
FURTHER TO
SHOW THE CREW BUT PERHAPS THAT WOULD TAKE THE JOKE TOO FAR .
The End
********
Thanks for reading this, Cary Grant and Sophia Loren or John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara could have starred in this in the 1950s.
