Writing with Dave

Writing with Dave ©

By Michael Casey

Well you have so much more free time now, and you can have decent holidays in nice nice places, no more pretending you are DAVE anymore. The kids had so much fun with that, mum where’s dad, there’s only Dave over there hiding behind those red boxes, do they have designer meals in those red box things, just shove in the microwave and feed all of us.  Or mum can we ask Dave to stop being Dave and be just Daddy again, that really is the best D word. Though it was funny when he used the D word against that Geography teacher with the beard, DUNCE. How we laughed.

So I’ll meet you in the park on the 3^rd bench along, the one kept warm by that large man with the dog. You must have been important, once, if you have an official bench warmer with a big dog. Anyway to business, do I call you Dave or is it DC. DC so be it, I love a bit of intrigue, and those films with Iron Man were just fab, pity you were no Iron Lady, but I can lend you some of my iron tablets if you like, but beware they do turn your pooh black.

So how is the biography going along, you have adopted a style I hope, something for ordinary people to enjoy, you do want to outsell Tony Blair after all. If you just write in the boring tone of a boring politician you’ll just bore the common man. You are writing for History and not just Norman Smith and Laura K, and old four eyes Nick, as Alex S like to call his best friend.

It may give them orgasms all the political stuff, but the audience, the real people just want to know was Nick Clegg a biscuit thief, did he eat all the pies, he did get a bit porkie after all. And where did you stash your Stella Artois so you could have a sneaky drink after a hard day’s night, you couldn’t keep on running upstairs to the flat all the time.

Now you know all about keeping it punchy, and having at least one joke every two pages, it’s not Jilly Cooper with bonking galore, but you have to keep the readers’ interest, they are not a bunch of lawyers, and yes that is a metaphor. And the title of your tome should be a good one, such as DC my Time in Number Ten, not super long titles that they have on books featured on Fox News. For example, DC my Time in Number Ten, the History of a great man leading a great country until I was shafted by Nigel. Though I do realise some may consider such a title not very humble, but Americans do like to make a lot of noise, and as for Nigel, they may ask what a Nigel is, or even is it a verb. As you know 2 peoples divided by a common language.

It’s nice that the large man with the dog brings us sandwiches while we sit here and I correct you lack of writing skills, eating lettuce and prawn sandwiches together. Luckily for him he has a large dog, otherwise the lady in the sandwich shop may try and accost him to put up a few shelves for her, he’s so much nicer that Barry, and she does love Policemen.

So where were we, yes style, if you comb your hair nicely you’ll never have Donald Trump hair in the future, though when he becomes president everybody will want hair like him. Hillary has to start punching her weight if she really wants to have the office her husband used, it has been sanitised now. It’s a pity Bloomberg didn’t run, he’d my man but I can’t vote over there.

Now where were we, yes style, it is important because personally I don’t give a monkeys if the story is good if the telling of it is bad, come here let me whisper in your ear. You look shocked, yes I’m telling the truth, I just cannot read that writer. If you could write as well as the writer of The Book Thief then you would be the greatest writer ever, but that’s just my opinion, and I am no politician, and nor are you now, cast out and rejected returning to the Back Benches, or park benches with me as your guide.

Try and set yourself a target for the number of pages you write in a week, but never force it or you will hate it. Yes you are doing it for the money, if anybody says they are doing it for History they are a liar and they can go and play James Bond. So enjoy it, be natural, write in the nude if you like, just don’t frighten the big man’s dog, police canine officers are very sensitive, are difficult to replace. Politicians are ten a penny but police dogs are a unique resource, and yes add Police Dogs to your charity list, and if you haven’t taken the kids to see a police dog display then why not.

Now basic things about your writing. Always but always back it up. So you email it to your publisher and 10 times to yourself and your lawyer and the wife and your secretary. Have usb copies too scattered everywhere, hide one in your daughter’s dolls house. Post one to yourself as well. Send one to Alex S too, he’ll just throw it on top of his Welsh dresser in disgust but at least you will have some off site security. You could send a copy to Nick Four Eyes, Alex S’s best friend, he might help you with the spellings.

So I hope I’ve been of some help to you Dave, it’s a privilege to be allowed to call you that, or are your wife and kids and the large man with the dog treating me like a silly bitch?