An
American in UK, what did Hayley Bloomingdale Say? (c)
By
Michael Casey
I
was just having my daily scan of the newspapers and stumbled over Hayley
Bloomingdale, SORRY, can I help you up. In USA I’d be sued for breaking anybody’s
fingernail. In England it’s called Ambulance Chasing and is the lowest of the low
of Law Firms. There were a few cases in the news recently where some Law Firms
were chastised. Now to explain chastised is not Chastity Belt, just in case any
American’s are reading this. But both mean stop reproducing while the Law, or
the Husband is otherwise occupied.
This piece is not about Hayley Bloomingdale either, its inspired by the 90 seconds I spent glancing at the piece, 1,500 comments were made but I may be dead or dead bored if I read all of them. So how should I explain England to an American? There is London and there is the rest of the country, London is not UK, though Londoners may think it is. There are many regional accents, though a posh Scottish one is very nice and even very sexy, and no I’m not talking about Nicola Sturgeon, her accent is very harsh.
On the subject of accents I have a posh Birmingham accent, or even none at all depending if I am talking to my sister of not. Why, because I have a Shanghai wife and I had to speak clearly or she would never have understood me, and we wouldn’t have had any kids.
Here in England it rains all the time, this is not true, except in Manchester or in Scotland, I would tell you what they are swearing at me but I cannot understand their accents. Just a moment a Glasgow man wants to kiss me, he’s offering a Glasgow kiss. That’s very kind, very French of him, that hurt I can see stars in my eyes, a Glasgow kiss is in actual fact a violent head butt. So always ask where the person is from before you accept any kisses.
Once you have made friends here in the uk they will take you down the pub, but beware as a pint in England is 20% larger than a USA pint. So you may think you can hold your drink but compared to the Brits, you will fall over drunk as a skunk in the gutter. By the way in England nobody calls themselves Brits, in tv land maybe, but the guy in the chip shop will think you are asking does he have a social disease if you ask about his Brits.
Yes it’s true over here people do queue, especially for buses, and buses do occasionally smell and the unopened windows steam up. Nobody ever seems to open windows, they are too polite to ask somebody to open them, cos that would involve talking to strangers, and what did your mum say, never talk to strangers.
Football
is very big in England, and if anybody calls it soccer then they are not from
England. American Football is for girls, all the padding and timeouts and so
forth, real men play Rugby which was invented in Rugby and played by men with
oval balls, that’s why they walk the way they do.
We like films here in UK, and we call them Films, and we go to the cinema or to the flicks. We don’t go to the movies, we go and see a film, though Sky has so many films nowadays that we all stay home and watch them in HD on our telly. We do of course go to the off-licence first to buy a few cans of Stella Artois and crisps and Cadburys Crunchies first. Then we all gather around to watch Americans with bad English accents in a new drama.
We are not a Holy as Americans, church going has declined these past 40 years, though where I live there 4 or 6 churches nearby, and we do have Mosques and Temples. We have mainstream Faith. WE don’t have Bob’s Church for Left Handed Golf Swingers, as you do in USA, which may have more to do with Golf or Swingers that any real Faith.
Things are quieter generally than USA, but that’s the way I prefer it. WE celebrate all the different Festivals and Holy Days of All the Faiths in our Schools, that’s why the kids love going to school. We don’t have armed guards in our schools either.
So Haley Bloomingdale if ever we meet I’ll take you to Old Forge and Singing Anvil and introduced you to everybody, they have a great pub, and it is PUB not bar where you can drink real ale and eat cheese and onion crisps not to mention try pork scratchings a Black Country speciality, you won’t find in any Michelin star place.
Other than that you follow the link below.
And I forgot Have a Nice Day, which nobody ever says in UK.
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