Just Pretending

Pretending Just Pretending ©

By Michael Casey

There is a song called “Pretending” I think it was by Elvis, you can google for yourselves, so why am I talking about Pretending? Well its nearly 9pm and I left a note of Twitter saying I’d try and write something before bedtime, which is usually around Midnight after the Sky Press Preview. Then  I looked out the window and there was a man pretending, so that’s today’s idea.

The man was pushing a stroller along the pavement, trying to look cool so he was pushing it with one hand and walking with a boastful lad’s gait. Sometimes lads have phones in their hands and they laugh and joke and swear to their mates. Missing the golden moments with their child, they wouldn’t be seen dead talking to their child, showing their gentle side, cooing and so forth.

They boast about their bedroom antics, or back of a car antics, or oh I forgot it was on the top deck of a bus. I was at it I the attic above the chip shop, the smell of fish always gets me going. And so on, pretending, unable to be soft and gentle about their love, because pretending is more manly, more laddish.

We pretend when we have job interviews, we pretend we are better than we really are. You will get found out in the end, then they can sack you for lying on your CV or at the interview. I’ll never have an interview again myself, though you could say every piece of writing forms part of my CV, this piece is 760 or so. My first target is 1000, then 2000 will become my next target.  

So we pretend we are knowledgeable, that we are experienced, that we have management experience. You have 4 younger siblings and you make them tidy the house before your parents come home, while your watch the Euro 2016, pity Iceland beat England. But your family is Welsh so you still have hope. But you class it as management experience, and it’s a great line for your CV. If you find my Elevator Ad on the Internet you can read a piece about Linkedin and  CVs.

You pretend you are not afraid when the lift breaks down on the 22^nd floor, but really you are so scared. I can hold your hand if you are scared you say to the girl trapped in the lift with you, instead a little old lady holds your hand instead.  That makes the girl laugh and she decides to hold your hand too. You are almost on a double date, with a pretty girl, and her granny. You get talking and she can see you are really scared, she knows you are pretending, so she pretends not to know. In fact stuck in that lift she decided you are boyfriend material.

The Brigade come and after 4 hours you get out of the lift, the little old lady is led away, she’s peed her pants because you’ve been in the lift too long. The girl decides to give you a kiss, you are so happy you that you fall over into the pool of old lady’s pee. The girl laughs till she cries, you want to pretend you fall over into old lady’s pee every day, only there on the floor of the lift sat in a pool of pee you realise you cannot pretend any more, you’ve met the love of your life.

Come on my flat’s right here, you can have a shower and I’ll rinse your pants. So that’s how she seduced you, with the help of the little old lady. In fact the little old lady was her nan, and it was lemonade deliberately spilt. You could say it was  a plot, a plot of inconvenience. They had been Pretending, just pretending, you could say it  was a Piss Plot.

Days of History

Days of History ©

By Michael Casey

Well today even more History is being made here in England, the fallout from the EU vote goes on, Corbyn loses 172 to 40 and still clings to Power. But I’m not going to talk about that, Keanu Reeves turned up at Parliament, I’m sure he’s going to star in a Bio of Corbyn’s life, all, everything happening is not for real we’re all in some altered reality. Has Part 4 of Matrix started but nobody told us, we are in fact all staring in it.

Days of History, when I got my first pair of long trousers, a pair of puke coloured cords, my mum sat in the yard and hemmed the legs up. I have short fat and hairy legs just like Ernie Wise. She was sat on an old barn chair with the back sawed off. I have one like it upstairs, it may even be the very same one.  It may be the one I sat on when I wrote my 1^st book, The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker. So I ran up and down the garden admiring my new long trousers. I was 11 and it was the summer before starting at Grammar school. Yes I had to wait that long, and the trousers were hand me downs. For me though it was a very special day.

Buying a hifi was another special day, it cost me a week’s wages, £30, but it really did sound so good. I had it for years and years. I gave it to my sister in the end when I bought a Technics hifi, an all singing and dancing hifi. Which cost close to a month’s wages, it was the hifi my burglars stole over 25 years ago. Someday God will punish them, that’s if the drugs they bought hasn’t killed them already.

A day of history you remember all your life, because it is a stand out day, such as your wedding day, or the day you took your first girl to bed. Though for balance I must say other forms of partner are available. So special days are just that, special days.

Getting my house was a big day for me, because all the years of scrimping and saving had a result, I was sitting in my own home, with my own chairs and things surrounding me. I got a new bed and my family helped me put it together, one of those pine beds, we’d never had those when I grew up. It was a large scale jigsaw. Then we tested how strong the bed was by hurling my mother on top of it. She was 15stones, so if it held her weight then it’d be strong enough for me. We even have a photo of the event, we laughed so much.

Holidays are big events in our lives, though people take them for granted nowadays, they think it’s a Human Right, such as Broadband and Internet. Well it is NOT. As a child we had to take suitcases full of bed linen with us to Abegele in North Wales, and as we are a large family, that meant lots of suitcases, the old cardboard like ones with the old latches on them. We went to the same street and same group of houses for maybe 10 years. But at least the beach was a hop and skip and jump and spit away.

Now I’m getting older, and lucky to be alive too, I’m told I was 2 hours from death, as my heartbeat went up to 230 beats a minute after my bypass. Anyway now I look at my girls and the eldest already thinking of University, Medicine at Cambridge is her hope. My hope is to pay for it all, if only I could sell some books. Suddenly my small girls have grown up, you can tell they are growing up as there is less and less money in you pocket.

So what other Days of History would I like to see? Just to stay alive is enough, I’m sure it must have been the Queen behind me in Aldi stealing my line, I always say I’m still alive, or still fat when the cashier in Aldi asks how I am today. So Mrs Windsor, was that you behind me with the Scots Whisky and garlic bread?

Yes to be able to shop for free in Aldi would be a great thing, maybe they’ll read this and offer it as a prize in a competition, but they can give me an Aldi Always Card just for suggesting it. I’d eat loads of low fat garlic bread, washed down by cranberry juice, and their sliced Mediterranean chicken. Ha, what a thought my biggest day in history, a free Aldi Always Card. Though to be honest that’s all I need to keep me happy, because like the Queen I’m still alive.

Safety Net

Safety Net ©

By Michael Casey

As I speak the England team are no doubt drowning their sorrows, they just got beat by Iceland, and I don’t mean the frozen food company, maybe some diehard football fans will boycott their shop. If only the England team had put more balls in the back of the net, though Clive on the late night news did mention the fact that the whole of Europe may be rejoicing after the Euro Vote. England the UK is not very popular right now.

This is just to put everything in context, tonight is Monday 27^th June 2016, History is happening all over the place. When your world is crashing down you need a Safety Net, something to cheer you up, I’m listening to Baker Street from the City to City album of Gerry Rafferty. Music is my Safety Net, or rather my companion or even lover, I should stop playing the Barry White album so much.

A Safety Net does reassure us, it’s our rope and harness as we abseil off a building, or when we are out of our depth then a safety net is of enormous benefit. A metaphoric safety net more than anything else, I have several, though my safety nets don’t even know that they are so important to me. I chat with the Lolly Pop Man, this is what we call the crossing supervisor outside schools here in England.

He holds a giant stick like a giant lolly pop so as to stop traffic. Anyways I stop and chat and talk and exchange a joke or two, he is a constant in my day, some days I may have no pain, but the next I’m in tremendous pain, so having a joke does take your mind off the pain. He’s also had a bypass so we have something in common.

You may come home and talk to your mum and tell her all your woes, she may be deaf but still she is so important to you, she is listening even if she cannot even hear you. Mum is a lightning rod she earths you and protects you from all evil, or from the build-up of too much stress. If you don’t have a mum or dad or a grannie or any family member to talk to then you can always go to a café and befriend a little old lady, buy her a cup of tea, lie and say you won a tenner on the lottery and could she share a tea and cake with you. By this subterfuge you can offload your stress and maybe make a friend.

Talking is a safety net, and if you cannot find a real person to talk to then just kidnap your neighbour’s cat and give it milk, a cat will listen to anybody for a bowl of milk. If you cannot find a cat then you can always talk to a photo, or just talk to the wall like in the play Shirley Valentine.

Safety nets are needed and they do work. You may go for a swim or a walk in the woods or visit a church and talk to God or just curse at him. God doesn’t mind curses, at least you are talking to him, and that’s always a good beginning. Or it could be like the Simon and Garfunkel song the Boxer, I was so lonely I took some comfort there. Whatever is your Safety Net so long as you have one then you will avoid being stressed out and getting into something bad to alleviate your stress. You don’t want to start on Class As when all you need to do is take a Class in pottery, or flower arranging.  

Support structure is a fancy term  for safety net, the old families which had 3 generations living together or close together was a spiders web of love supporting each other. Now we have more toys and things but we can miss the cheapest and most vital of things, a family. Form a Christian Family if you want a bit of Peace in your Life said Padre Pio. It can be a family of any faith or none, but Family is the greatest safety net of all, despite any family bickering, because it’s much better than walking the tightrope of life all alone. 

Allo la France

J'ai decubri que il y des personnes qui lit mes histories comique a la France.

Moi je parle las Francais comme une vache parle L'Espagne.

J'espere que toute la monde pense que mes mots son une bonne rigole

Mes ecuse por la Francais terrible il y a 40 ans depuis l'exam de Francais

J'a visite Paris, Loudres et la Normandie peut etre a l@avenir  je retourner.

THanks for reading my bad French, its easier to speak than write.

Political Interviews or No Views at All

Political Interviews or No Views at All ©

By Michael Casey

So why do you want to be leader of your Party?

I’ve always had a sense of duty, I must help those less fortunate than me.

You mean you were in your mid 30s and your inheritance did not come yet.

No, not at all, I’ve always had an affinity with my lesser brethren.

Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself?

Yes that’s exactly it, my Faith any Faith gives that essence to one’s being.

So that’s why you got the vicar’s daughter pregnant when she was just 16.

It was love, deep deep love, our love of scripture brought us together.

So you stole the vicar’s car and eloped to Gretna Green, and were married.

I just borrowed the car, no charges were brought we were deeply in love.

You mean she was pregnant, and the vicar would have killed you.

That’s your opinion, we know it was just a deep deep love.

Was she hot? Red hair and curves galore, or was she a ginger full of freckles?

The former, but looks don’t matter at all, it was just love, love, love.

So when she  got fat after the birth of your child what did you do?

We always loved each other, but we realised the age gap was too much.

15 years I believe, so really you had seduced her.

No, not at all, she did all the leading, I just followed.

But you enjoyed it.

Of course, of course not, it was just such a tragic situation.

She joined a Punk band and disappeared off the face of the earth.

Yes that’s correct, but they did have 2 songs in the top 10 Punk chart.

So you raised your child without her, for six months that is.

That’s correct, I was a single parent, it’s in all my literature.

Until you married her even hotter sister, just 18 months older.

I had to think of the child and her aunty was the perfect substitute mum.

You divorced your wife to marry her sister.

I was thinking of the child.

You then went on to have 9 more children.

Yes, we had a very fertile relationship.

I’m amazed you had any time for politics, too busy multiplying your family.

I am a man of the people.

And did the sister lose her looks?

No.

Hence all the babies, you were worse than rabbits.

Just following the good lord’s message, go forth and multiply.

You could have just become a maths teacher instead.

Now we’ve covered your family record what about your politics?

To serve the people and be a good servant, a waiter to their desires.

Seems like you were satisfying your own desires, 10 kids.

A man has the right to bear arms and to hold his wife in his arms.

You certainly did that.

People know I’m one of them, so we connect.

It was thanks to all these connections that you stole millions.

Those were all Party contributions, they were just resting in my bank.

Bank of Panama and Bank of Faceless in Bogota, sounds normal.

They offered a high rate of interest, so I put money there for good of the Party.

So it’s nothing to do with you that the money disappeared.

It was a tragic loss of money for the Party funds.

So you resigned from the Party.

Yes I am an honourable man.

Then moved to a new 30million Property, with 2 swimming pools.

For the good of my children, one pool is not enough.

Because you have 10 kids and a white hot wife.

She has cancer and is dying.

I’m so sorry I apologise.

Thanks, I will be marrying her twin sister, when she sadly dies.

Her twin sister, is she the plain one?

No that’s her older sister.

Her twin sister is in fact the hottest girl in the family.

You certainly have ploughed the fields and scattered.

It’s my Faith, like I said I am a man of Faith.

Or you have a rattlesnake in your…..