The Ballard of Hank and Mary-Beth

The Ballard of Hank and Mary-Beth ©

By Michael Casey

Hank slid out of bed, his big bed, and went straight for the weights, it was his daily ritual. For 10 minutes he flexed this way and that way holding his weights, one in each hand. Then he lay down and did 100 sit ups, he was toned very toned. Putin and Medvedev would be jealous, Hank was more like the policeman in Electra Glide in Blue the old film, Hank was a policeman too just like the bodybuilder cop in the film. Hank was much much bigger though, and he smelt much nicer.

When Hank had finished his morning ritual he headed for the shower where he exfoliated and washed his every nook and cranny. His mum had been a hygienist and his dad had been a salesman delivering ladies perfumes and face care to the whole state. So Hank knew all there was to know about hygiene and makeup, he could have made a career out of it, instead he became a junior bodybuilder, until that fateful night when he saw Electa Glide in Blue at a late night movie show. So it was decided, he’d be a cop.

Hank was a natural cop, he was polite and very very observant, his parents had taught him all that, they had always told him to watch everything. So when He trained to be a cop it all just fell into place. He was a bit behind in target practice but in exchange for fashion and makeup advice Sue-Ellen taught him all there was to know about weapons and tactics. In fact every woman on the force came to him for advice, sometimes all he had to advise was use a thinner makeup brush or a different shade of lipstick. They were in Las Vegas after all and a girl had to look good, even if she was packing a gun and a badge. The other cops, the male cops teased him by saying he was gay, but secretly were totally jealous. If you want to  get the girls just study makeup and perfume, then you’ll always have plenty of female company.

Hank enjoyed his job and finally after 10 years he made sergeant, he never found the right girl though. He did have a great friend at the general post office Mary-Beth was her name, she was tall and had a great  smile, and braces, she had flame red hair. She always hid her figure in long dresses and baggy blouses, but she was great to talk to.  They were such great great friends.

So life went on, Hank patrolling and arresting as needs be, or just  warning folks to behave. It was a good life, he had a savings account at the general post office, it was his excuse to see Mary-Beth. He knew all about online banking, but that was not as good as seeing a real person, a girl, a girl whose smile would make your heart beat faster.

This went on for years, and could have ended in tears, tears at a graveyard for evil came a calling to the Las Vegas general post office. A punk named Skunk as high as high can be came looking for money with a Colt 45 in his hand and a bag full of bombs, or so he said. Mary-Beth pressed the silent alarm. Hank got the call on the radio, Las Vegas general post office. His girl was in danger, they say that it takes 1 minute 15 seconds to travel that stretch of road, Hank floored it, in 45 seconds he was yards from the general post office, his tyres were on fire.

They could see through the binoculars Skunk had taken hostages now, Mary-Beth was amongst them. Hank rung the general post office asking what the demands were. Dr Pepper and Kentucky Fried Chicken was the reply. Too much drugs had given Skunk an appetite. Two minutes later the food was ready. Stunk had another demand now, it should be delivered by a naked man, so he could tell it wasn’t a trap.

Hank looked at the other 20 police officers, he started to take his clothes off, it was his girl, he just had to save her. The female officers were open mouthed in awe, the men knew they had been wrong to call him names. Hank looked like the Terminator but with an American accent, and bigger with a side order of, well I’ll leave that to your imagination.

So carrying a tray a naked Hank entered the general post office, Skunk was suspicious, Hank was so big. You a body builder he asked. Mary-Beth had to intervene, so she told him a pack of lies about the body building club down the street and he, who she’d never seen before, well not totally buff naked, must be working as a food delivery boy to make ends meet.

Yes that’s correct said Hank. Hank looked her in the eyes and she tried not to look at his, at his, but looked in his eyes. They were lying so well together just like a pair of politicians, and little did they know that they’d be lying so well together a little later.

Skunk had his meal, before gulping down his Dr Pepper, he drunk it too fast and began to choke, so Hank seized his opportunity and grabbed the gun, only he slipped on a piece of Kentucky Fried Chicken and ended flat on his back. Skunk grabbed Mary-Beth by the hair and said he’d hurt her if Hank did not give the gun back. Hank looked at Mary-Beth she was the girl of his dreams, only now as he was naked in the general post office had he realised it after all those years.

Mary-Beth mouthed “no” as Hank got up and started to hand the gun over, Hank was naked in every sense of the word. Mary-Beth struggled from Skunk, her hair being torn out, she was ½ free. Hank slipped again on more food debris, he dropped the gun and it went off.

Outside the police ducked for cover, the police dogs all barked in unison. Hank knew it was now or never, so like a frog launching itself he launched himself at Stunk. Stunk and him rolled over the floor of the general post office, slip sliding away, how could one person be so messy with their Dr Pepper and Kentucky Fried Chicken. Stunk was reaching for the gun on the floor, so Hank did a clean and jerk, like weightlifters do. Stunk was a jerk and needed cleaning up, so Hank in one motion lifted him up and threw him at the window. Only Stunk bounced off the window, so this time Hank lifted him and held him tight before throwing him with all his strength at the window. This time, this time the window broke and Stunk was in the street on the pavement, I would say sidewalk but I’m  a Birmingham writer and we say pavement in England.

The dogs were let loose and enjoyed biting bastards, inside Mary-Beth cooed around Hank, was he ok, did he break his best fingernail when he threw the baddie through the window, the usual questions a girl asks a naked man, the man of her dreams, even if he happens to be naked.

Hank inspired by the occasion asked her on a date, could she would she go on a date with him. The other 40 hostages cheered. Mary-Beth looked at Hank and said, NO. Hank, naked Hank was crestfallen. But would he MARRY her, Hank was confused, then he looked up and  saw the date, 29^th February 1988.

So they were married in the wedding chapel next door, and they were good at lying next to each other. Mary-Beth turned out to  be like an Easter egg, once all the packaging was removed something wonderful was inside. As for Hank  he left the police force and became a body double for some Austrian actor whose name I forget.