Christmas Was Cold ©
By Michael Casey
Christmas was cold, and Kevin did not like it, he
didn’t like it one bit. The agency had said they had a job for him , it was a
temp job and it involved a lot of travel, and it paid well, very well.
So Kevin took it like a shot, he’d been unemployed
for a while and he wanted to bring some money in so he could go on holiday to
someplace anyplace warm. They had said he’d get a free holiday as part of the
package IF he took the job.
He arrived at the port and went into a warehouse,
he’d be interviewed in there said the agency. He looked all around and he could
see nobody, nobody at all. Then he heard the sound of boots echoing behind him,
he spun around to see and elf approaching. He laughed, the man in the costume
looked so silly.
Only it wasn’t a man in a costume, it was a real
elf, only Kevin was too stupid to realise it. He’d never seen a real elf in his
life. The elf looked Kevin up and down, he half smiled. Kevin was fat, very
fat, the kind of fat where his belly was bursting his belt, it wasn’t
overhanging his belt, that would have been disgusting. No Kevin was fat,
perfect fat, for the perfect job.
The elf asked him did he know why he was here, and
did he have his passport with him, the usual stuff when you apply for a job
nowadays. The elf walked away with Kevin’s documentation in his hand. Kevin looked around the warehouse it was
empty, full of nothing.
Full of nothing as far as stupid people could see,
if Kevin could use his eyes then he’d see that the warehouse was brimming with
people and every kind of thing. This was Christmas warehouse. The elf returned
holding a Santa suit in his hand, Kevin laughed, so that was the job, Santa at
a store. Well he needed the money so he put the suit on.
Kevin felt dizzy, he had to lean on the elf for
support, he had stars in his eyes, he was seeing things. The elf took a glass
of water out of his pocket and Kevin drunk it willingly. Noise and fireworks
appeared in the empty warehouse. Kevin fainted.
Kevin awoke in another world, in Santa’s world,
now he could see that he was in Santa’s workshop, there were elves everywhere.
He must have been drugged, he rubbed his eyes and felt his face. He had a
beard, a long white beard. He’d been drugged and transformed into Santa, suit
and all.
The elf explained, that only a man with a perfect
belly could stand in for Santa at Christmas. Kevin was the chosen one, he was
the man, he was Santa. The real Santa had broken his leg while skiing in
Birmingham, so Kevin was the standin.
The elf went through the Health and Safety rules,
HO HO HO, always 3 HO HO HOs, other than that there were no Health and Safety
rules. The reindeer would explain everything. Kevin looked around he could see
no reindeer, the elf led him outside to the dock.
A submarine surfaced and the sleigh and the
reindeer emerged, reindeer can hold their breath for such a long time. They are waterproof or seaproof too, the
sleigh has water repellent paint on it too, made in the paint factory in
Birmingham, you know the one just down the road from the reindeers friends in
Ladywood Fire Station.
Kevin was impressed this was more like James Bond,
he high fived the reindeer, they licked his new beard, that’s what reindeer
always do to Santa. The elf smiled he was sure they’d get on well. The elf
answered the unasked question, why the submarine?
The submarine was to get into countries where
Santa was not welcome, North Korea was one of them. A sleigh would be spotted
on radar, so Santa would sneak in and shower love and happiness and hope
amongst the people.
Kevin shed a tear, he was Santa now, so his heart
felt the things Santa felt. The submarine levitated and turned/merged into a
bigger sleigh, a very large sleigh. Eat your heart out James Bond, Santa has
much better toys, literally.
Kevin shook the reins and away they went into the
night sky, Kevin ho ho hoed his way around the world. His fat belly was too big
to get down a lot of the chimneys, but that’s where the reindeer came in, they
formed a team, a tug of war team and pulled him up and down the chimneys.
The reindeer could of course get down all the
chimneys, they held their breath and wriggled their bums, it was easy for them
they had been doing it for centuries. That’s why your Christmas trees get
nibbled in the night, it’s the reindeer, its hungry work flying around the
world with Christmas presents.
Kevin, or should I say Santa realised why he
needed the beard, it kept him warm, it got cold, very cold flying high in the
sky. They did stop on the River Po, just to say hello to Don Camillo, he was a
priest but sometimes he was on the naughty list, and sometimes he came off the
naughty list, depending on what he and the mayor had been doing.
The sleigh/submarine had a never-ending supply of
presents, Kevin, I mean Santa got into the swing of things, the reindeer sung
carols, 1000s of them in lots of different languages, they were a carol
jukebox. Some brought tears to Santa’s eyes.
Dive, dive, dive they had to sneak into a country
to bring Hope and Love, no presents just a loaf of bread. The reindeer didn’t
nibble on any trees, as Christmas trees and Christmas itself were banned. The
reindeer cried, but there was always Hope.
High and Low, Up and Down the sleigh went over the
face of the earth, Santa HO HO Hoed, tonight Christ was born, a new light had
entered the world.
The work was done, the world had been crissed and
crossed, the reindeer headed back to the warehouse. As the sleigh landed Kevin’s
beard dissolved, he was Santa no more. He looked around the warehouse, the
elves were dissolving into nothingness, the reindeer trotted away still singing
Rejoice Rejoice Emanuel.
Had he been drugged, was this all an hallucination,
it couldn’t be he felt Love in his heart, he had been Santa for a night. As he
walked out of the warehouse his footsteps echoed into sky, Kevin looked up and
could see Santa in his sleight, his crutches besides him, and the reindeer
still sung Rejoice Rejoice Emanuel.
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