Saturday 3 January 2015

The House a stpry for children of all ages

JANUARY 3RD, 2015 16:08

The House © a story for children of all ages

my daughter asked me to write a children’s story so here’s what I’ve written so far, any children's publishers out there do get in touch

The House ©
a story for children of all ages

By Michael Casey

Pretentious Preface
Sorry for being Pretentious but my small daughter, Eve asked me to write a book for children. I told her I’d written 100s of stories about children, but she said she wanted stories FOR children. I blame Roal Daol and David Walliams for being just too good and influencing her too much. So I will be trying my best to produce something just for her and for children of all ages. So that is why I’ve put a pretentious preface. Now on with the book, it’s 3rd January 2015 and its cold and damp and my 3 girls have gone to London to meet a Shanghai cousin. So I have a few hours peace, just me and Arthur in the house, as I begin my tale…..
 One
I suppose I should tell you just who is Arthur is, he is not real, he is not a ghost either, though he does make me scream. Arthur is in fact a pseudonym, which is a big and difficult word to spell. Ok, it’s a pen name, or a nom de plume, but not la plume de ma tante if you are doing French at school. Arthur is in fact a disguise, it’s a name for a  BASTARD, go and ask your grannie should you be reading that word at your age. If she says it’s ok then please continue reading. If you no longer have this book then maybe you’ll be allowed to read it next year.
Well grannie it looks as if I’m writing for grannies now and not children. Though if I reveal that Arthur is the name I call my arthritis then I know you will agree with me that Arthur is a BASTARD. If you are laughing grannie maybe your granddaughter can have her book back now? I’ll try and be civil with my tongue, your granddaughter will let you know if I say any more bad words further along in the book. I don’t think I will as my wife would throw Bibles at me, we have 4 in the house, some are even in Chinese. And you have your own special words for your own arthritis, and what I said is holy by comparison.
Ok, so we are back together again children, but at least you know how gran feels and why she smells funny. It’s the liniment and spray she uses for her own Arthur, which can be confusing as her husband is called Arthur. So when she is cursing her Arthur she is not cursing her Arthur, but her Arthur. I hope that is crystal clear for you. One tip though, tell her Movelat is fast working and has a better perfume than Deep Heat.
Talking of perfume why do old ladies use too much perfume? It’s to cover the aroma of Deep Heat, this is obvious, even a child as young as you will know that. I’m being to sound like Lemony Snicket, if you have read his books you will know what I mean, if you haven’t read him yet then you are in for a treat.
Sorry for the pause, oh you did not notice, well I went to the kitchen for a cup of tea, I have to keep my mouth lubricated as I talk to you. But I’m reading, stupid, you calling me stupid and I’m sat here in a cold house with just my Arthur for company. I’m going to ignore you and finish my tea, I may not bother talking to you again with that kind of attitude.
See I’ve started a new paragraph, left you abandoned on a raft of a paragraph, so you can’t me stupid any more. I’ve even put my tongue out at you, oh no, I’ve just spilt hot tea down myself now. You don’t think of all the trouble the writer goes to, do you. There you are just a selfish reader, I should make you give the book back to your gran.
Ok, another new paragraph now, I’ve calmed down and changed my clothes, but there is a damp patch on the carpet in front of the computer. What I was trying to say was that a good book should be a conversation, a talk, a chat. You are not reading you are listening, that’s my style. If you have to get a dictionary out after every other sentence then it’s not fun. Though it does expand your vocabulary.


Friday 2 January 2015

Fact is stranger than fiction (c)

Fact is stranger than fiction ©

By Michael Casey

Well I wrote Vote for Me and posted it and then what happened next. A Labour Politician said exactly what I’d written the very next day in an interview. I once said to my  big daughter I write something then it really happens. So she said WRITE YOU WIN A MILLION AND THEN YOU BUY ME A PONY.  So lets see if that really happens next. I win a million and buy her a pony. More likely I have a heart attack and die. Or should I delete that. Mind you Tempting Fate is another story. Speaking of which my small daughter wants me to write a children’s book. David Walliams will be worried. Should take 3 months work, and be about 100 pages. which is 200 pages in children’s books as the font is so large. Or 30,000 words for those sad people who count words. Oh did I upset editors just then.  I’ll let you all know how its going.


p.s.My nephew was around today, he thinks I can write, he was suggesting I should teach, what is the next question


Tuesday 30 December 2014

Vote for Me in May 2015

Vote for Me in May 2015 ©

By Michael Casey

I am of course from the landed gentry, my family goes back 500 years, that’s in County Kerry Ireland of course. So I am from the bogs, somebody switched the lights out so I was stuck in there for hours. I am the son of a blacksmith, which proves my working class credentials, so you will of course vote for me.

No don’t vote for him vote for me instead, I live on jam and bread I’m so poor, but I love being poor it’s where my heart is. I love living amongst the rainbow coloured people, I don’t drink lots of tea nor smoke a pipe, I haven’t even got a wife. Just vote for me, I am a man of the people, people love me and my sandals and the faint smell of weed, I didn’t inhale, maybe I just splashed myself not weed myself.

I am a self-made man, nobody gave me anything, I did it all myself, and not because I don’t have any friends, so vote for me. I can lead and I can make money, that’s why I have 8 houses and 5 jaguars. Which is twice as many cars than that man who always had eggs thrown at him. Though not as many houses as that former politician, you know the one that smiles a lot. I’d be smiling if I was ½ as rich as him. Just vote for me, I was at grammar school.

No don’t vote for any of those, just vote for me, I have no policies nor vision, I do like a good pint, which proves that I’m the real man of the people. I just hate a few things, my candidates hate a few things too, but when we find out just what I expel them.
So this is my vision, vote for me. Yes I’ve never had a real job, I did go to Cambridge and do PPE, then I was a political assistant at central office before being sent up north to be an MP for a working class constituency. They’ll believe any BS up north and just keep on voting how they have always voted. I do hate my constituency and  their  little funny accents and cloth caps, not to mention their “culture” but it’s the cross I have to carry. They don’t have decent wine in the pubs and clubs up there, but thankfully I’m so busy with constituency work in London I hardly ever have to visit.

No, that guy is just a fool and a fake. I live in my constituency and enjoy country sports, I’m goosing ½ the constituency ladies, and they and their daughters are ever so grateful. I’m a real county man, and I wear real wellies, apart from when I’m in bed with the Major’s wife, or is it daughter?

See they are so shallow, they’ll never save the planet, if everybody wore hemp sandals the world would be a much better place. We have a Trade Fair sandals and coffee shop, saving the planet is so trendy. I met a couple of really great students, said they were with Greenpeace, then I awoke in their bed the camcorder was switched on. I then had a call from The News Of The World asking did I have any statement to give. I told them to publish and be damned.  

Nothing was published, nobody would believe somebody in my political party would have it in him. The other lot yes, but my party no. We lack credibility, if only I had lied it could have swung the election for me. A swinger would attract attention and votes, but I missed my chance. I’m no Russell Brand believing in nothing and getting lots of press.

Just vote for me, I’m the bloke down the pub, why walk the streets like a prostitute, I mean politician, or did I really mean prostitute? Just vote for me, you know it makes sense, we hate the same things don’t we, so just let’s stick together. Whose round is it next? And can I have some crisps too?

So with politicians like these perhaps Russell Brand will get elected. You get what you deserve they say, so be careful who you vote for.

I would just love to go to Burger King and have a really good conversation with Jeremy Paxman and Norman from the BBC as well as a few other cynics. John Sopal is now in USA  so I really miss his contemptuous style, he would call it probing, I call it treating the politicians just how they should be treated.


Love thy Neighbour as Thyself it says in the Bible. Politicians should never be treated that way. I’ll leave it there for this year, if Lord Archer has room for me at his table in Burger King then I’d love to chat with him too, though I’d love one of his posh dinners in strange places. Though WE could have a posh dinner at Burger King Birmingham, just bring caterers in, I’d vote for that.



Monday 22 December 2014

Christmas Was Cold ©

By Michael Casey

Christmas was cold, and Kevin did not like it, he didn’t like it one bit. The agency had said they had a job for him , it was a temp job and it involved a lot of travel, and it paid well, very well.
So Kevin took it like a shot, he’d been unemployed for a while and he wanted to bring some money in so he could go on holiday to someplace anyplace warm. They had said he’d get a free holiday as part of the package IF he took the job.

He arrived at the port and went into a warehouse, he’d be interviewed in there said the agency. He looked all around and he could see nobody, nobody at all. Then he heard the sound of boots echoing behind him, he spun around to see and elf approaching. He laughed, the man in the costume looked so silly.

Only it wasn’t a man in a costume, it was a real elf, only Kevin was too stupid to realise it. He’d never seen a real elf in his life. The elf looked Kevin up and down, he half smiled. Kevin was fat, very fat, the kind of fat where his belly was bursting his belt, it wasn’t overhanging his belt, that would have been disgusting. No Kevin was fat, perfect fat, for the perfect job.

The elf asked him did he know why he was here, and did he have his passport with him, the usual stuff when you apply for a job nowadays. The elf walked away with Kevin’s documentation in his hand.  Kevin looked around the warehouse it was empty, full of nothing.

Full of nothing as far as stupid people could see, if Kevin could use his eyes then he’d see that the warehouse was brimming with people and every kind of thing. This was Christmas warehouse. The elf returned holding a Santa suit in his hand, Kevin laughed, so that was the job, Santa at a store. Well he needed the money so he put the suit on.
Kevin felt dizzy, he had to lean on the elf for support, he had stars in his eyes, he was seeing things. The elf took a glass of water out of his pocket and Kevin drunk it willingly. Noise and fireworks appeared in the empty warehouse. Kevin fainted.

Kevin awoke in another world, in Santa’s world, now he could see that he was in Santa’s workshop, there were elves everywhere. He must have been drugged, he rubbed his eyes and felt his face. He had a beard, a long white beard. He’d been drugged and transformed into Santa, suit and all.

The elf explained, that only a man with a perfect belly could stand in for Santa at Christmas. Kevin was the chosen one, he was the man, he was Santa. The real Santa had broken his leg while skiing in Birmingham, so Kevin was the standin.

The elf went through the Health and Safety rules, HO HO HO, always 3 HO HO HOs, other than that there were no Health and Safety rules. The reindeer would explain everything. Kevin looked around he could see no reindeer, the elf led him outside to the dock.

A submarine surfaced and the sleigh and the reindeer emerged, reindeer can hold their breath for such a long time.  They are waterproof or seaproof too, the sleigh has water repellent paint on it too, made in the paint factory in Birmingham, you know the one just down the road from the reindeers friends in Ladywood Fire Station.
Kevin was impressed this was more like James Bond, he high fived the reindeer, they licked his new beard, that’s what reindeer always do to Santa. The elf smiled he was sure they’d get on well. The elf answered the unasked question, why the submarine?

The submarine was to get into countries where Santa was not welcome, North Korea was one of them. A sleigh would be spotted on radar, so Santa would sneak in and shower love and happiness and hope amongst the people.

Kevin shed a tear, he was Santa now, so his heart felt the things Santa felt. The submarine levitated and turned/merged into a bigger sleigh, a very large sleigh. Eat your heart out James Bond, Santa has much better toys, literally.
Kevin shook the reins and away they went into the night sky, Kevin ho ho hoed his way around the world. His fat belly was too big to get down a lot of the chimneys, but that’s where the reindeer came in, they formed a team, a tug of war team and pulled him up and down the chimneys.

The reindeer could of course get down all the chimneys, they held their breath and wriggled their bums, it was easy for them they had been doing it for centuries. That’s why your Christmas trees get nibbled in the night, it’s the reindeer, its hungry work flying around the world with Christmas presents.

Kevin, or should I say Santa realised why he needed the beard, it kept him warm, it got cold, very cold flying high in the sky. They did stop on the River Po, just to say hello to Don Camillo, he was a priest but sometimes he was on the naughty list, and sometimes he came off the naughty list, depending on what he and the mayor had been doing.
The sleigh/submarine had a never-ending supply of presents, Kevin, I mean Santa got into the swing of things, the reindeer sung carols, 1000s of them in lots of different languages, they were a carol jukebox. Some brought tears to Santa’s eyes.

Dive, dive, dive they had to sneak into a country to bring Hope and Love, no presents just a loaf of bread. The reindeer didn’t nibble on any trees, as Christmas trees and Christmas itself were banned. The reindeer cried, but there was always Hope.
High and Low, Up and Down the sleigh went over the face of the earth, Santa HO HO Hoed, tonight Christ was born, a new light had entered the world.

The work was done, the world had been crissed and crossed, the reindeer headed back to the warehouse. As the sleigh landed Kevin’s beard dissolved, he was Santa no more. He looked around the warehouse, the elves were dissolving into nothingness, the reindeer trotted away still singing Rejoice Rejoice Emanuel.


Had he been drugged, was this all an hallucination, it couldn’t be he felt Love in his heart, he had been Santa for a night. As he walked out of the warehouse his footsteps echoed into sky, Kevin looked up and could see Santa in his sleight, his crutches besides him, and the reindeer still sung Rejoice Rejoice Emanuel.      

Sunday 21 December 2014

This is my Elevator Ad so why not have me in your media

Hello , how about a Verbal Cartoon for Radio and all other media
I grew up listening to the radio, we all used to hide under the blankets and listen when we should have been fast asleep. Radio did change my life, a lodger gave us a radio when he had to go back to Ireland to look after his sick mum. In fact he left all his stuff and caught the first boat home. Months later he came back to see us and said me and my brother could have his old Bush radio. I spent 20 years listening to radio. That and being afraid of Mr Gallagher when I was 8 changed my life, and improved my intellect.
Today after 20 years of radio and 25 years of writing, 45 years in total I think I'm a good writer, and thank God so do others. Yes I'm 55 now, in my head I'm 20, though my wife would say 12.
I met my Shanghai wife in the old people's home, she was cleaning my dad's room. I was positively vetted by a Chinese Ballerina  from the Birmingham Royal Ballet, now we are married with 2 bilingual daughters. I am the token male and English speaker in the family.
Now here's a few samples, what I'd like to do would be to read my shorts/blogs on your radio. Each piece is about 90 seconds long, 90 seconds with Michael is the idea, simple idea. I have gained 18,000+ views on Funny or Die for a sample . ON Google+ I have 23,000 views in just a few weeks for my samples.

UTUBE too has some samples.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4t_FmUlxNI&feature=youtu.be 


1st chapter of Tears for a Butcher which will be my 8th book. Only the other day a publisher said my book of shorts 300 and Not OUT was very funny. In fact I must have 530+ shorts, enough for over a year.
I have started recording all my Shorts and have put 50+ of them on www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com  I have a new mike now too, so listen in reverse order.
My  7 books are on Amazon Kindle
and
Here's the samples for radio or print.
Let There Be Light ©
By Michael Casey
Let my tears be my words
Let the candle light be my eyes
Let the flowers in bloom be my lips
Let their scent be my blood
Let the wind be my breath
Let clouds be my mood
Let children’s laughter be my hope
Let widows’ sighs be my conscience
Let a stranger’s prayers be my delight
Let the bees be my wisdom
Let the trees be my strength
Let my patience reach to the stars
Let me be always remembered in your prayers
The Dead and The Living (c)
by
Michael  Casey
I first saw a deceased when I was nine years old, my father said not
to worry as the dead are the same as the living,  only the  laughter
has left them,  the sparkle has gone from their eyes, the worry has
been lifted from their shoulders,  and their voice has vanished  to
eternity.
In  paradise the sparkle will return for it is the  twinkle  of  the
stars, the laughter will return too for it is the morning breeze and
the turning tides are their sides shaking with laughter.
I treat the deceased with the same courtesy as I give to the living,
though I find the deceased are always more polite.  My father also
had a few words to say about the living.
He said that the living are only the caretakers of the soul, yet
they think their existence is everything, that they know everything
because they experience many things with their senses.
What the living don't acknowledge is that their time is short  and
when I lay their bodies to rest then their souls  continue  without
them,  without their strong, without their weak,  without  their
beautiful or even ugly temporary form, to where I cannot say, only
that it is a better place.
Percy the undertaker placed the lid on the coffin, the soul was free
THE  BEGINNING
LinkedIn Profile  and  CV ©
By
Michael Casey
We’ve all been on Facebook and LinkedIn, we get to know people and make “friends”. On LinkedIn it’s more about connections and maybe business connections. So we have to rely on the Profile, my LinkedIn profile tells my story, as I am a writer. But how accurate are these Profiles?
I am a born leader.
Means he was the firstborn boy in a family of 11 girls.
I created the supply chain structure.
Means he decided to use a clipboard and notepad instead of just his memory.
I optimised the sales among target audiences.
He chatted up all the girls, he was kind to seniors and went to church.
I was inventive and creative in gaining new sales.
Means he designed a flyer and went street to street delivering them.
I was never afraid of going the extra mile for the business.
Means there was a street gang chasing  him after he was at  the bank
I am great at communicating the business message.
He just would not shut up, so the boss got him to tidy the fruit outside the ma and pa store.
I always try and improve myself.
Means he has no friends so he reads a lot.
I created the new scheme to optimise the business cash flow.
Means he took the store’s cash and put the money on a horse.
I am now looking for new opportunities to excel
Means he got fired, cops not called as the owner married to his sister
I created a great new idea for centralising purchasing delivery.
Means he was a guard for the money delivery company, crash helmet and visor.
I created my own start-up company
Means he stole the money from the cash delivery company and started his own company.
I am now on a learning sabbatical before resuming my career
Means he is in jail, working in the library.
So when you read those LinkedIn profiles or reading a CV or resume think what do they really mean. Check the photos out too, the reality can be far different. Just like actors, photos can be 10 or 20 years old, and they are. Dig deeper.
Me, I google and check people out, as far as you can on Google. Google me and my sites and think for yourself. I am on a sabbatical myself, no I’m not in a library, thought we have plenty of books in the house, no it’s called arthritis, which comes and goes and makes me scream sometimes. But at least I can sit here and make some of you laugh, as I Google everybody.
Sleepover©
By
Michael Casey
Sleepover is exactly that, your sleep is over, you have laughing kids invading your house, and driving you out of your minds. Well not always, but it is very distracting. You can’t remember what you were doing and where has that file gone on the computer. This is the 2nd time I’m telling this story, why, because my Word, or upon my word, the story died or rather Word did not close properly, so now you’re getting something different.
Total strangers, or strangers to you arrive at the house and kind of invade it for a night. You do shout up the stairs, keep them out of my room. Not because you have anything worth stealing, but they are stealing your privacy, and that’s all you have left if you have daughters in your house.
Then the smell of nail varnish drifts down the stairs and permeates everywhere, its worse than mustard gas from the Great War. You scream up the stairs, open all the windows fully, what about your room, dad? Especially mine.
Its then that your inner sanctum is breached as they bring their friends to help them open the window. They see the Teddy Bear that you’ve had since you were 6 years old, the invader laughs. She also sees the deep heat by your bed, And he complains about nail varnish.
Dinner time arrives and you have to feed the cuckoo, only she doesn’t eat this or she doesn’t eat that, on principle. So you say, you’ll have to stave then. Your daughter, the host, is horrified, so you relent and flick a pound coin at them, cholesterol free oil used to make the chips. So a compromise is achieved.
You put Sky Sports on to watch the match, they say Qatar is going to build underground stadia, novel idea. You are settling down to see Rooney when they arrive back chip laden. Her friend just loves the ballet and Sky Arts has Bolshoi on, so could they please please watch that. You say you’ll record it for them. But you are as bad as a puppy murderer even for suggesting it.
So being a nice dad you let them watch the ballet on your 46inch tv, while you retreat to watch the match on the laptop upstairs. They never tell you about this at parenting classes, just how to change nappies. Let’s hope William and Kate are told.
After the ballet they retreat upstairs for girlie music, and what were you doing in their room on the laptop. Didn’t you know you are just a dad not allowed in the inner sanctum. The Hits is switched on  their dab radio at volume 13, you retreat to watch the after match talk on the big screen.
Later its bath time, so you have to wait 2 hours for all the girls in your house, including the cuckoo, to pollute the bathroom before you a mere dad, and bill payer, can have a shave. Only your last razor has been used to save somebody’s legs.
So everybody goes to bed, all is well, holding your teddy bear, you sleep soundly. Until 3am, when a banshee screaming wakes you, your wife and all the neighbours. It’s the cuckoo, she’s having a nightmare, it must be the chips, and the cholesterol free oil from them. Or half waking up and forgetting where she was.
So remembering to put on your dressing gown you have to calm everybody down, and answer the door, to the police, as the neighbour from neighbourhood watch has rung them. So the police come in and have a look. Flatulence is written down in the Police note book. As you let the police out the house again your smallest daughter hands you your teddy bear, its ok dad, it’s only a sleepover.
How do Men Shop? ©
By Michael Casey
There is a difference between Men and Women, and thank God for it. But how do men shop? Shopping for men is about getting what you need, my shoes have a hole in them so I’ll go to the shop and buy another pair. A man will buy a new pair of shoes that are exactly the same as his old pair of shoes, or if he’s being adventurous he’ll have a pair of shoes which are exactly the same but with grey laces and not black. Now to a man this is being fashion conscious. If a man wants a new pair of trousers he just goes to the shop and sees if they have his leg/waist size and then tries them on, making sure they don’t split when he bends over and that his package is not squeezed. If a man needs a suit he checks the trousers before putting on the jacket, the jacket must be able to be done up without his belly exploding the buttons off. A man will never button up his suit jacket, but he needs to know that the buttons won’t fly off and hit anybody in the eye, if ever he does.
If a man needs a shirt he checks the neck size, 18.5 in my case, and then he sees if its full fit or not. Then he buys 5 shirts exactly the same all  in plastic . For a lazy shopper he’ll go straight to Slaters and get what he wants. In and out in 30 mins for everything. Then he’ll go to the pub and meet his mates and have one pint too many and leave all his shopping in the Queens Tavern. Luckily they are honest there and his shopping is saved, otherwise he’s have to waste 30mins in Slaters, before going back to the pub.
This is basically the difference between men and women. Woman shop, men pick up clothes or whatever like an order picker does, without any passion.  A man gets home and puts his shopping away and forgets about it. Just like in the film The Fly where the man’s wardrobe contains suits all the same colour, clothes are just a thing so they are all uniform.
As for women shopping s something different, the clothes have to be tried on and they must make the woman look perfect, her bum or boobs mustn’t be to big or too small, everything should be right. To help the woman chose her clothes she brings two or three mates or her children with her. Her man is forced to come too, but he plugs Radio5 Live into his ear and listens to the football  while she is choosing. Men know 5 colours, red, blue, red, green, yellow or maybe one or two more; as for a woman there are at least 50 colours, and just as the eskimos have 30 words for snow a woman has 10 words for each colour and its hews.
This brave man, or am I stupid, I just give my wife the debit card and say leave me in peace, so she goes off with a smile with the girls with her, they are young Fashionistas after all. I decided years ago what a wife needed was space to shop and not constant looks at my watch. So that’s what she does and her bulging wardrobe will testify to the wisdom of my decision. When a woman comes home its 2 hours of mix and match to make sure that the new clothes match the old clothes, the husband tries to watch the big match on tv but his wife is prancing around the living room asking “does my bum show” and various other questions. It’s a penalty, and you sit on the edge of your seat, the wife appears and blocks your view, so you miss seeing why  your side was relegated. Normal life in homes up and down the country.
The next day you watch the match again in peace, you remembered to record it on Sky+ and as for the wife she’s gone back to the shop to return ½ of what she bought because it doesn’t match her shoes. And it’s your fault because you wouldn’t give her your debit card again so she could buy cheap £100 shoes.
All Things Bright and Beautiful ©
By Michael Casey
I haven’t written a non-pain piece in a while, so I’ll try and forget the pain and write something new. We’ve just had the half time holidays and my girls have been playing “shop-girls” as they call it. They even have a sign on their bedroom door saying “open” or “closed”. They steal my wife’s clothes and prance about upstairs. Our eldest daughter has bigger feet than my wife now so that’s a relief as she cannot steal my wife’s shoes any more, but it does not prevent her younger sister from wearing mum’s shoes. There is also the matter of the beret with silver sequins, that’s an absolute Fashion Must.
Me, I’m not fashionable at all, three girls in the house is enough, if I gave in to them they’d be beading my eye brows, I do wear pink on occasions, so that’s as far as I go. If I were maybe 3 stones lighter I’d try other things, I did see a nice cord jacket in Cotton Traders 48R, it was bright blue, Kingfisher Blue, my girls called it a “Clown Jacket”. With encouragement like that what am I supposed to do? I did say if I win Euro millions I WILL buy the jacket. My wife has a nice light brown one, although as she is a woman there will be a more accurate colour name, men don’t do colours. If you think of it its black and white, blue, green, orange as far as men go, but women at least another 40 names for colours. As far as my hair goes, its silver, though a friend used to say I was an old man with white hair. As the colour of our hair change it’s the 7 ages of man.
I remember Ali saying why wasn’t it “Whitemail” instead of blackmail. We are in the Pink if we have good health, I long to be back in the pink myself. We say we hope be back in the black not in the red when we do company accounts, we look for the silver linings. We look look look for the rainbow as the song goes, we may find the crock of gold, all our troubles may be over and we can pack them up in the old kit bag. Hope springs up within us, it is now Spring after all, and as Chance the Gardener said “in the Spring there will be growth.”
Cheese and Chorizo ©
By Michael Casey
The thing about girls is that they steal your stuff, you think they are nice and sweet smelling, but they are not. If they get up before you they’ll raid your side of the fridge and eat your cheese and chorizo. Cheese and chorizo on toast, with hot chocolate to follow, this is how your daughters treat you. This is how my girls treat me.
Yesterday mum bought biscuits, and did she share them? NO. The girls got some but I got none. They were  the ones I really like, its always the ones you really like. I looked high and low, just like an Ah Ha song, but nothing. JJ the wife just laughed at me as I went from pillar to post looking for a biscuit, the Tunnock ones. See this is how the 3 girls in my life treat me, I am biscuitless. Finally after much derision my small daughter showed me  where the biscuits were, a new hiding place, that’s why I could not find them. So I was victorious, I sneaked a biscuit into my pocket and slipped away to eat it in peace.
Shoes are a big thing, so our small daughter walks around the house in mum’s shoes, mine are too big so thankfully they are left alone. However having two daughters who like Textiles, which is the fancy word from school for sewing and making things. If they like textiles then your clothes are not safe, they drag a shirt or two out of the wardrobe and say they want to turn it into something. Jumpers are not safe either, they can cut them down to make a dress  or even a handbag. And as for needles, it’s like having a porcupine in the family, DANGER. You only realise that after you have sat on a needle or two, the wife just says its free acupuncture, no need to asked Dr Hu to pay us a visit, and yes he really is Dr Hu, not Dr Who, but Dr Hu.
Now that our 11year old is 5feet tall, as big as mum, she wants to wear her clothes, but you can imagine what kind of clothes a Shanghai girl wears. So there is debate in Chinese, I cannot understand a word, but SANINGONGA is heard quite often which means no. Which also means my girls, our girls will return to steal from my wardrobe again. In a way it’s like having moths, but instead of holes in your clothes, entire items just disappear. BUT it’s not just the girls, its mum too, she’ll decide that the Fashion Police would not like this item or that item, so it  disappears.  When do I find out? Never, or nearly never, until I walk past a charity shop and see a tent sized item in the window, it’s my clothes.
So if you want to keep the clothes on your back, don’t have daughters. If  you want your favourite food safe in your side of the fridge, the none Chinese side of the fridge, then don’t have daughters. If you want to save your pennies, don’t have a Shanghai wife. But then life would be boring, just make sure you look before you sit.
From A to B from Sat Nav to Blocked Sink  ©
By Michael Casey
Well I hope you are all fine this morning. For us the Sat Nav debate continues. In the old days a Black Taxi would not be seen using an AtoZ, it was beneath his dignity. He'd done the Knowledge and it was all up there in his head. Jack Rozenthal wrote a great play about it, was it 30years ago? Maureen Lipman was his real wife.
Delivery drivers have and egg and bacon butty in one hand dripping egg on to the AtoZ in their other hand while they try and deliver a chest of drawers, with 5 days growth of beard for good measure.
Bus drivers know their route, so once they've done it a while its automatic, they know what they are doing. All they have to do is put up with kids trying to use a 3 day old ticket, and not get too high from all the cannabis on the bus. Or remember when they have switched routes because that can lead to strange directions.
Door to door salesmen all those years ago, with the rap at tat tat on the back door had their route carrying the suitcase with samples in. I can vaguely remember one at our back door did my mum buy a clothes brush? But that must be 45 years ago.
So basically we all know what we want and where we are going. Going further back they say people only knew a six block radius around their home. Going to War changed all that as did radio and then more importantly tv. Tv being our eyes on the world, previous to that only Merchant Seaman knew of the world. My own granddad was a merchant sea man, I sometimes wonder did he ever get to Shanghai
Or was it me, his grandson who got there first. Had he visited at the turn of the 19th/20th Century 100years and more ago.
Which brings us back to Sat Nav. Me I use a bus which is fine apart from the pot heads who sit next to you on the bus and all I want to do is puke. My wife is a car driver, so she and our girls love the car. But my wife has borrowed a Sat Nav and likes the ease of it so now she wants one of her own. The result is that I’m being nagged to provide one. You pay, me pay, yes you pay, why me pay, because you are the husband so you pay, no way me pay, you pay you pay yourself, I say. And on the ding dong, sing song goes. Which is the fun part. Me I no pay, use computer I say. You can get perfect directions off the computer all you then have to do is print them off, if our printer was still working we’d be doing that. So really all the wife has to do is copy them down, in English.
She’s  busy with the wok as I talk to you, she’s compromised now, she only wants me to pay half. So I say I’ll be doubly generous and double the share I won’t pay, I’ll pay zero and she can pay 100%. That’s the true spirit of negotiation, now I have another thing to resolve, she’s blocked the sink, so pardon me now as I take the plunge, or rather take the plunger to the sink, no need to use a Sat Nav to get there, its over my shoulder in the next room, just turn left at the tv and go straight on to the sound of bubbles. Love is everywhere don’t you know it, just find it, no Sat Nav required.
My other idea is a book of shorts, 40 stories with 40 translations
on facing page plus 40 audio of me reading my stories on usb stick.
Perfect to teach English as a 2nd language, via humour.
As I have written 530+ stories this would be a series of 10 plus books
So we could have Mandarin/Japanese/Urdu/Spanish/Hindi/Russian etc
This would be a world wide hit, angel investors needed
Thanks for reading this, that’s if Junk did not get it. I have come close and not got a cigar many times in my life, so I decided to try you. Radio is the medium for my words, 90 seconds with Michael, could go nationwide, it’s a simple idea, with great words, mine if I can be boastful. I have already recorded 180 of my 530+ shorts, they can be heard at www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com listen in reverse order I have a new microphone now.
Cheerio, Michael Casey
www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com  to hear 50+ stories
8 ebooks and 3 Printed on Paper Books
Piano Girl

Saturday 20 December 2014

Sampling POP another piece from my book 300 and Not OUT

Sampling Pop ©
By
Michael Casey
The thing about children is that they like POP, yes POP with a capital P. I have to say or even admit
that POP is part of my life too. Yes I did talk about booze a day or two ago, but today I’ll talk about
pop.
I’ve just rushed back from Aldi so I can rush out again to pick the kids up, school run ends next week.
So today I’ve picked up a pack of snacks for them, as well as bananas and grapes. I’ve got 4 litres of
apple juice too, and some more milk for my coffee and cereals, though I never mix coffee with my
cereals. So that’s an ordinary shopping basket, though I can remember my own mum with leather
shopping bags before plastic bags were invented, and then condemned decades later.
Where was I? Forgive me my small daughter has just feeding me small seedless grapes, I’m sure all
daughters do it. Anyway today the big decision was should I try Pink Lemonade, it looked very
strange, very pink. So I bought one, only 40p for 2 litres, an Aldi bargain. I tried a bit but it tasted
strange, I waited for it to get cold in the fridge, only it had a strange taste when I tried it, then my big
daughter sampled it, her verdict, too fizzy.
We’ll wait an hour for it to get really cold then we’ll try it again, you have to be like a scientist when
you sample pop. If you don’t believe me just go ask your kids, and I mean those under 11; children
over 11 are too sophisticated they are Dr Pepper drinkers after all. Once correct temperature is
reached then the sampling can begin, and don’t forget the straws. And if you drink alcohol make
sure you hide it while sampling pop, otherwise your kids may sample that instead.
A few packs of crisps should also be available, this clears the children’s pallet while sampling Pink
Lemonade, then when all done a bowl of freshly diced fruit. I can hear the wife chopping and dicing
behind me, her knife skills are quite something, I think she used to be in a circus or something,
though to be honest I don’t labour the point.
So that’s it for today, another look inside the Chinese/Irish Adam’s family, I’m heading for the fridge
now, Mr Pink is waiting for me.

Wednesday 17 December 2014

My 1st ever UTUBE post just click and watch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4t_FmUlxNI&feature=youtu.be


this is no 580 of my posts, but its also my 1st UTUBE post, so click and watch.

Then please buy my books on Amazon.

May is the month of Mary

May is the Month of Mary Posted by michaelgcasey 09/05/2024 Posted in Uncategorized who we all love so well Meanwhile in Moscow a Parade to ...