Short stories from Birmingham readers in 162 countries so far
HEAR ME READ ALOUD
207 stories written & read by me
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As we sit in our armchairs watching the news , do we care what is going on over there , in some place hot , too hot to think about , or too cold to bear , ice and snow everywhere . Are we just waiting for the sports report , are we waiting to see was the battle hard or a walkover , did our favourite player score a home run , or 10 touchdowns , were the crowd , the audience behind him , did we win 100dollars from the bet we had on the side . In the interviews after the war was won , were we just watching to see the design on the teams shirt , is that a new logo , is that the same logo spruced up . Or is it a new logo entirely , does it make any difference in how the team played , or just another million dollars in the owners pocket , paid by us the audience , the fans , just so we can all look so identical . The reporters are screaming loudly , half excited and half in fear , they want to watch , they want to cover their eyes , but they are there so they must report . Are they in some arid desert , or in some cold cold place , pain and fear and hope etched on their face , are they in some war zone , or at the stadium , if all we heard were just their words , could we tell the difference , do we care , so long as we can switch it all off with our remote control .
Just a little food for thought , from 11 years ago
The cousins had decided to buy and trade a few old Army Surplus materials. Putin has updated his army so there was a lot of old kit being thrown away. So obviously the enterprising cousins decided this was their chance. There were all kinds of everything for sale at rock bottom prices, such as Arctic gear, and even parachutes and an ancient flame thrower or two. Junk to you or me, but to the cousins it was an opportunity.
Sometime what is discarded becomes the most important thing, like a broken heart healed by love, or the dream of a dead mother on the feast of Saint Francis, that comes to heal and strengthen. But I’m talking about the Slav cousins, and their wives just laughed at them, they were just so stupid, but that made them love them the more. So as the wives sharpened their knives ready for the Christmas preparations, which meant death for some of the animals, but it for good purpose, to celebrate the feast of Christmas.
Amongst the junk was an old military radio or two, so the cousins’ children were allowed top play with one. To their surprise they were able to contact some other children, so soon there was a radio friendship. It turned out that they had discovered School 76 in Novablizt, which was a fair distance from where they all lived. It was a boarding school for children of army officers, really they should not be talking to outsiders. But it was a military frequency on an old channel, so that’s how the wall came down.
As Lech, Boris and Gregorgi rummaged through their treasure their children were enjoying the radio. It turned out that the parents of School 76 were in reality Space Engineers, they would not say more than that, but it was interesting to say the least. Now Christmas was approaching fast and the cousins had managed to sell boots and coats and the like, so they were content, they had at least made some money. There was the Christmas feast on the horizon and their wives were glowing, happy and so deeply in love. However when all the cousins’ children explained all the anticipated fun and love that they would have to the children of School 76 they were met with sadness.
You see at School 76 the parents would be working far away, launching satellites into space for the highest bidder. Christmas was lost to them, duty came first, if only they got to see a fake Santa, it would be fun amongst all the books. Now Lech, Boris and Gregorgi were saddened when they heard this, Christmas without even a fake Saint Nicolas, this was too much.
Their wives looked at them and all the children looked at them. We need to talk to your fathers said the three mothers. So the three mothers took the three cousins to the 3 bedrooms. It is always best to discuss things in a comfortable environment. 6 hours later, the mothers emerged smiling, and the cousins emerged too. It had been decided, the 3 mothers would sacrifice their 3 cousin husbands for Christmas. Lech, Boris and Gregorgi would bring Christmas to School 76.
Now School 76 is not on any map as it was classed as Military even though it was just a boarding school. So a map reference was sent and Lech marked it on a map with Rudolf’s nose, that was all the map they would need. They loaded their snow plough with items they might need, and what could they bring the students? Boiled eggs painted and some English chocolate, Cadburys of course, and some Oranges. There was some vodka too, but that was for any stray teachers or caretakers. It was the thought that counted, there would not be any other gifts as such, or so was the plan. You see the school was in a remote area and Lech, Boris and Gregorgi may have to walk in the last leg.
When School 76 heard the news they erupted. They would not only get one fake Santa but three. Carols erupted from School 76, but the could not tell the teachers, the caretaker staff as it was still technically called a Military establishment. So with a final kiss to their wives, who were probably pregnant by now, what do you think they were doing for 6 hours, knitting? So Lech, Boris and Gregorgi set off to bring Christmas to School 76. As they dove away a fancy 4×4 passed in the opposite direction, paths had been crossed.
In the 4×4 was Mikhail Mikhailovich who you will remember was the Spaceman who had a visit from the Archangel Saint Michael, by sheer chance he was driving through Lech, Boris and Gregorgi’s village.Now there is no such thing as coincidence, there is only the will of God. Mikhail Mikhailovich went into the inn and had some food and a rest, he was going to plough on and get home for Christmas himself but then the Heavens opened and it was a Whiteout, a mountain of snow had fallen. So he just knew he’s be spending Christmas there, Mikhail Mikhailovich was soon telling tales and enjoying all the company. His eyes popped open wide when he heard what Lech, Boris and Gregorgi were up to, he had studied at School 76 himself in his youth before he became the world’s greatest Cosmonaut and then the world’s greatest storyteller.
I actually drove past them, will they be safe? They are like Polar Bears replied the three wives, besides we’ll kill them if they don’t come back, as they brandished their knives. Besides we are all pregnant so they will not abandon an unborn baby at Christmas. How many weeks are you pregnant asked Mikhail Mikhailovich? About 15 hours not weeks came the proud reply.Mikhail Mikhailovich blushed, this was like one of his stories, but true.
Mikhail Mikhailovich took out his satellite phone and recited another story so that Radio Russia would have a new story over Christmas. Then the military radio crackled, it was Lech, Boris and Gregorgi. Well we are 20k short of our destination, the snow plough cannot go any further so we will walk. We have skis and a sledge, it will be fun. Everybody looked out the window and saw the snow, it was deadly dangerous.Mikhail Mikhailovich took the microphone, hello I’m Mikhail Mikhailovich can I help in any way? We love stories replied the 3 in unison. I was meaning help in getting to your destination? We think we will be ok, we have vodka to keep us warm and multiple layers too, we have got old USSR army kit, so we should be just fine.
Mikhail Mikhailovich looked about him, these fine people deserved their own Archangel, so he took out his satellite phone. In seconds he was talking to Chuck from the USA, his friend Tim Peak who was back in space again, and Petrov a fine Russian cosmonaut. Mikhail Mikhailovich was talking to the Heavens Above AKA the Space Station. Hello guys, do you want to test that new thing you have. In seconds it was decided, it was a method of tracking Polar Bears, but now it would be tracking 3 polar bears called Lech, Boris and Gregorgi.
The only problem was their was no radio tracking device on a collar, just a vintage USSR radio. Looking around again, Mikhail Mikhailovich rung his good friend Esther, the mother of the zillionaire space satellite magnate. Shalom he began, and then Mikhail Mikhailovich explained, Esther would help he knew it. Ester put her cards down she was playing poker in Vegas, the winner chose which Charity got the pot, 10million had been raised just through her poker habit, if you can remember back to the Malta story. A phone rang in the situation room at the Pentagon, the ring tone was If I were a Rich Man sung by Topol, an actual one off recording just for a ring tone.If you are zillionaire then you can have such things.Sorry said the zillionaire turning to General Jim Mathis, mom insisted on the ring tone. In seconds all was explained and Esther went back to her poker, she wanted to win.
The zillionaire looked around, I wasn’t going to show you this yet, but a friend wants a favour. So with General Jim Mathis looking on the zillionaire brought up the satellite image. It was not perfect but through the snow Lec, Boris and Gregorgi could be made out. We’re guiding them through the snow to School 76. So the zillionaire spoke to Mikhail Mikhailovich and then he guided the three cousins.
In deep deep snow they went up and down and around and around , and this way and that way, leaving a trail as they dragged their sledge. High in space the zillionaire and brought a couple of other satellites into play, it was Christmas after all, they were not the three Magi, but they had friends in high places, very high places. But then disaster, the radio broke down, at minus 20 even a thirty year old USSR radio had to come to the end of their life.
All we can do is watch and pray, said General Jim Mathis as he looked up from the book Esther had sent him, first edition of a Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens.So watching from on high they all watched and prayed. Three cousins, Lech, Boris and Gregorgi would go around and around until the cold killed them. From space they tracked their route, then the zillionaire spotted a pattern. Marked in the snow was PAX VOBISCOM, or Peace Be With You. Then through the snow the satellite could see a sledge drawn by enormous reindeer, there was a giant of a man on board. The giant waved at the sky as if he knew the satellites were all watching him.
Santa Claus himself had come to rescue them, if the Archangel Saint Michael had saved Mikhail Mikhailovich why shouldn’t Santa Claus save three Slav heroes called Lech,Boris and Gregorgi. And that is how Christmas was saved by Lech, Boris and Gregorgi or rather how Santa Claus saved them. School 76 had the best Christmas ever, 3 fake Santas plus the real thing. Now if you think this story is far fetched, just watch Norad track Santa this and every Christmas. And if you still don’t believe me, why are there photos of the Real Father Christmas locked in General Jim Mathis’ safe with a signed copy of a Christmas Carol on top. Marked 25 levels higher than TOP SECRET.
my mum as I remember her most, as she stood by the fridge, the last time I saw her
Well as
we are all stuck in the snow I’ve decided to share this story, you can believe
it or not, its up to you. It’s 1st March 2018, Putin is boasting
about his toys of war, as are other leaders. Can we just put these things away
and advance science for all Mankind instead? The best of all our people is in
its Spirit. So let me tell Putin and Kim and Trump a story about real Spirit.
This is the story of how Lech, Boris and Gregorgi rescued 100 old people
trapped in a blizzard with medicine and food running out.
Now
Popaloffoff lies somewhere in the East where Poland, Ukraine and Russia make
love on the map. They make love in bed too but I’m just trying to give you an
estimation of where it is. Up in the mountains along a winding road and perched
like an eagle looking down on a fast flowing river is an old monastery that is
also an old people’s home for locals.So
priests and shepherds live there, the priest paint icons and the shepherds
produce the finest vodka anywhere in the world, if you live in that climate you
need a good drink.
This
Winter 2017/2018 has been bad, today 1st March 2018 the weather is
savage. Lech and Boris and Gregorgi got a call on the CB radio, Shepherd down,
we are running out of supplies especially medicine. We may have to burn the
icons to keep warm. Now to anybody in the East an icon is a Holy Holy thing,
its worth more than gold, worth more than beating USA at the ice hockey.
I’mwhispering this now but an icon is
worth more than Vodka.
So when
the message came on the CB radio Lech, Boris and Gregorgi had to do something.
The Blizzard could go to Hell, in fact it could kiss Gregorgi’s fat ass, and
his ass was fat, very fat indeed. They mounted their snowploughs and drove to
base. Grit was poured to over-brimming on all three trucks, and a trailer was
attached to each. Not forgetting a case of vodka in each cabin. With a blessing
from an atheist they departed.
Only a
fool, a madman, and a believer would even attempt it in this weather, but that
would describe the Trio. In Popaloffoff they got the message that help was on
its way, then the CB died. So they huddled together and prayed. A few of the icons
were near the fire for when the firewood ended. Now as I said before Saint
Michael considers Lech, Boris and Gregorgi to be his friends. As for the icons
they have special powers too, but more of that later.
Driving
in a blizzard is no fun, the Trio laughed and joked and cursed at each other
over the radio. They were on a mission, a mission from God. They were not Blues
Brothers they were Slavic cousins, and they were better drivers. Slip sliding
away they went, round and round a garden like a teddy bear one step two step
and a tickle under there. Good job there was vodka on the seat beside them. It
was barely above freezing inside the cab, though they had their furs to keep
them warm. That bear had nearly killed them 10 years ago, but they had sworn an
oath to high Heaven that if they did not die they would repay the favour. So
now wrapped in that bear’s clothes it was time to repay that debt. Popaloffoff
was calling them, I saved your 3 lives, now you must save the least of my
brethren.
It was
logical, well logical to a fool, a madman and a believer, they were each and
all of those things. They had visited Popaloffoff when they were kids and it
had made a big big impression, so now, they had to do it, they just had to
answer the call. Slip sliding away, the trailers sliding like a puppet on a
string.
Disaster
almost struck. Lech was leading his plough veered to the left, then magically
it shot to the right along the mountain road. Boris and Gregorgi swore they saw
an angle appear and push his truck back on the road. Was it the vodka, it was
hard to tell through all the snow. It was Saint Michael himself, he had skin in
this game, as did all the angels and saint on the icons.
After
that save, like a diving ice hockey player in the Olympic final, Saint Michael
was joined by a multitude of angels. If their icons were burned it did not
matter, saving the lives of a Trio such as Lech, Boris and Gregorgi did matter.
Now the
road to Poploffoff is very dangerous and you an slip off and never be seen
again, or until Spring comes and the snow melts. The wind howled and the snow
fell. The vodka was drunk as the Trio drunk through the blizzard. How they
stayed on the road nobody would ever know, but if you were an angel looking
down you could see snow angels in the snow to the left and to the right as
angels pushed the truck to keep it on the road. Hundreds of snow angels made in
the snow by real angels. But you don’t believe me, do you? You think I’m
drinking vodka?
The fire
was burning low so the priest with tears in his eyes put an icon on the fire.
Then he closed his eyes, he did not want to see his sin. 100 people and more
huddled around a fire with their eyes closed, begging the angles and saints to
forgive them for their sin. The angles and saints were crying, not for their
icons but because they were humbled to see such Faith.
Lech,
Boris and Gregorgi drove on the perilous road, slip, sliding away. They cursed
each other more, to encourage each other more. Then a tragedy, the vodka was
finished. They fell silent, not long to go now, they had to concentrate more,
the road was at its most dangerous now. Saint Michael called for
reinforcements, a wall of angels their wings outstretched with swords drawn
lined the road. Nothing would prevent them from getting to Popaloffoff now,
only the Devil himself had come to see what was happening, he had smelt the
scent of burning icons.
While
Saint Michael hacked at the Devil with his sword Lech’s truck went over the
cliff. It was hanging half on and half off the road. Boris and Gregorgi slammed
on the brakes on their trucks. He would be dead in seconds. Only then 3
enormous bears appears and pulled the trailer and truck back on the road. The
bears disappeared to be replaced by a golden angel, a beautiful golden angel.
Nobody
said anything they drove in silence up the mountain road to Popaloffoff. They
entered the courtyard and ran to refectory where everybody had been gathered.
Lech, Boris and Gregorgi handed out medicine and food and unpacked the
supplies. A madman, a fool and a believer had saved the day.
The Trio
looked about and could see the icons that had been put on the fire. But when
they took them out they noticed something, they wiped the soot away and the
icons were perfect, intact. Babushka asked the trio to follow her to where she
had been painting a new icon. She turned the icon around, and there Lech, Boris
and Gregorgi could see a golden angle with 3 bears on it.
I need a
drink they said in unison. So they had a drink, a real good drink. In fact they
were given the recipe for Popaloffoff vodka, so if you wonder why Lech, Bori
and Gregorgi are in Warley Woods or any woods for that matter its is because
they are attending to their still. Oh, and before I forget, I have an angel on
my wall as I talk to you all. And as for golden angel icon with 3 bears on,
that is on the wall in Putin’s private office, as well as a few bottles of
Popaloffoff vodka. Pope Francis has been invited to Russia you know, maybe
Putin will give him a photocopy of the icon, or just some Popaloffoff
vodka.
Now it’s hard when
building work goes on and there is dust everywhere, when there is cursing
galore, and that is just from mom and dad. Builders blush when they overhear
such language, but building is a blessed thing, blessed with plenty of cursing.
Anastasia was visiting family in the village, when she had a phone call from
her granddad, the builders had let him down, now all he had was dust
everywhere. This made her own problem small beer, she had bought a brand new
car for herself as a graduation present, but it broke down repeatedly. The
dealership just laughed at her and called her little Russian Princess.Now as Lech’s, Boris’s and Gregorgi’s wives
chopped meat their blood boiled.
Anastasia’s granddad was
Denis Nellis, he was very very old now, but when he was very very young he was
a sailor on the Artic Convoy to Russia, after the war he married the sister of
a Polish Battle of Britain pilot. So he was a man of great bravery, who should
be honored and as he had a connection to the village through marriage he was
FAMILY. The boys’ wives sharpened their knives, but Anastasia said the Pen is
Mightier than the sword, and far far sharper, with a wicked smile. The boys’
wives agree as they did some target practice on the back of the kitchen door.
But where were the boys,
where were Lech, Boris and Gregorgi? The Summer of 2018 was so terrible hot,
some like it hot, as theysay, but
Gregorgi had a friend who owned a former Russian nuclear submarine, he had
bought it in an army or navy surplus sale. He ran trips to the North, the far
North, ½ way to the North Pole. Ice Station Zebra and all that. Some of the
crew had gone sick, so Gregorgi had persuaded Lech and Boris to come and have
an adventure, or were they little girls? So the three of them found themselves
on an ice shelf playing football. The new or rather ex Soviet winter warmer
clothes were being sold to the tourists as Lech, Boris and Gregorgi larked
about on the ice. The pay was very good after all, and it was in US dollars,
perfect, what more did they want.
Their wives could bear it
no longer, they dug out the old SW set and setting it to the emergency
frequency they sent a message to the North Pole. Come home the dinner is
getting cold, family matter to attend to. That was all it said, signed 3 wives.
Now the American’s went mad trying to work out what it meant. The Russian’s
wanted to know what it meant too. Only the British knew what it really meant.
You see Anastasia had a secret, she had just signed on to work for GCHQ, so she
had told them about her holiday plans, and having Denis Nellis as a relative
had swung the interview for her, that and having a Double First from Downing
Cambridge.Or the University of Monty
Python as some card in recruitment called it, you see Downing was where John
Cleese went, and Michael Winner and this writer’s brother.
Lech, Boris and Gregorgi
worried for a full minute, before finishing off the submarine’s supply of
vodka, their wives could look after themselves, they knew how to use knives and
riffles. So as the icicles melted from them they enjoyedtheir vodka, the trip had been a success and
they’d been invited to join the regular crew roster.
When they got home to the
village their wives feed them well and took them to bed. They had to make sure
everything still worked after the cold of the North Pole. In the morning their
wife’s gave them the Eastern look,they
explained about Denis Nellis and Anastasia. Then Anastasia explained about the
builder saying her grandad would have to face facts and surrender to reality.
The car company has said the same, just surrender to life. Now Gregorgi started
to twitch, you never say Surrender to a Russian, after what those Nazi bastards
did. Lech and Boris weren’t happy either, this was Family. The Scots never say
surrender too,go ask the Black Watch if
you don’t believe me.
There was just enough time
to finish all the food their wiveshad
prepared while they were at the North Pole, then they made love to their wives
10 more times, before they were ready to hit the road. At David Nellis’s house
it was like the Nazi bastards had shelled it. Lech, Boris and Gregorgiset to work. The bathroom extension with
downstairs bedroom would soon be sorted. The boys worked like slaves, worse
than slaves, they worked like men from the East, they worked like family. If
you married into the East, then you were part of the East. They only stopped
for 5 mins just to send me an email asking that I looked after Still 17 in
Warley Woods, it would be reaching perfection too, by pure, 95% pure,
coincidence they would be in England to taste it.
When the dust settled
Dennis Nellis had his bathroomand new
bedroom downstairs. Gregorgi shed a tear, and for once his cousins did not mock
him for crying like a little girl. This was family. I had tapped Still 17 and
send the postman to deliver 10 litres, so toasting Dennis Nellis sailor from
the Artic Convoys they got drunk. What else do you expect?
Now Anastasia had not been
forgotten, still hung over the boys decided to go visit the car dealership. The
car dealer had ignored Anastasia, even though she was so pretty, and so very
very intelligent. But boys will be boys, and they had come in from the cold,
and their 3 wives had asked did they want to repeat their performance, once
they had sorted out Anastasia’s broken brand new car. So they went to the car
show room, now they could have physically turned all the cars over like
turtles. Just as Big Sid does in the finale of The Butcher The Baker and The
Undertaker.
However they had seen the
Full Monty on Dennis Nellis’s tv the night before, so they just played the
music on their Spotify on their iphones so they started to strip. The girls in
the car show room giggled and live streamed it on Facebook to their friends,
they stopped giggling as more and more clothes came off. Where was the nearest
Polish/Ukrainian and Russian food store, these were MEN with a capital M! The
car showroom owner came down to see the still drunk cousins sprawled naked over
his cars, leaving marks all over the polish, that’s polish not POLISH by the
way.
He tried to threaten them
but this was no Spring Time for Hitler. Your Cars have one thing in common with
us slurred Lech, Boris and Gregorgi, and what is that asked the car show room
owner? BIG BOLLOCKS! And with that the boys left the showroom. And did
Anastasia get a new car from the car dealer. No, he was going to offer, but the
Police closed down his showroom after 100s of complaints, the Police even said
he did not have a licence for Erotic Dancers so were able to close him down
immediately. But Peter Stringfellow saw it all online and sent Anastasia a
brand new car, a much better car. He did offer the boys a job as well, but they
decided, The winner wives take it all, it was For Their Eyes Only.
Now some
things are worth more than Gold, like friendship, or a gun if you are a hunter,
but to be worth more than Gold? For Lech, Boris and Gregorgi for anything to be
worth more than Vodka? They were visiting me the other day, they said it was
just to see if I was looking after Totoro the cat properly. They had a new
still in Warley Woods, so to kill to birds with one stone they popped by. Their
friend at NASA who knew Esther’s son the satellite guy, he’d started to send
them texts with news from the stills. Some billion dollar technology, being
used to make sure the Vodka was just right. Don’t ask me how, ask that nice
lady Dr who createdthe Smiley image of
a Black Hole. Only somebody as bright as her could explain, I cannot, the only
black hole I know I’m sitting on.
So the
boys stocked up my cupboards with enough soup and beans to last a siege, then
whistling Tchaikovsky they
were gone. They were gone until darkness fell, they were panting, and Lech had
something under his sheepskin. It was a baby with the umbilical still attached.
Quick ring a doctor, he almost looked scared. I reached for the phone, but at
that very moment Nurse Vicky came in for a cup of tea. Vicky was a retired
midwife, sometimes God sends you things. Put him back under your coat she
ordered. Then she grabbed tin foil from the kitchen and a pair of my old winter
long johns. Then she wrapped the baby and ordered Lech to resume his warming.
I’ll
call the ambulance now, the child looks ok, but what about the mother, she
could be bleeding to death somewhere. Where did you find the baby? In the
woods. So the mother could be in danger? Asked Lech, Boris and Gregorgi their
Slav sense of family coming to the fore. We have to go, to look for the mother.
They headed for the door, Vicky interrupted, the mother could be anywhere, but
you forgot one thing. Give me the baby now. So Lech carefully passed the baby
to Vicky who then it against her own enormous bosoms, and smothered the newborn
in love and warmth.
The
blue flashing light of the ambulance flashed outside, the boys disappeared over
my back garden fence. This is more important than any vodka, we must find the
mother. The warmth from the still had saved the baby, but now the mother must be
found, the mother must be found. Their NASA friend sent texts but they had
never replied, that was the deal. But now in their Black Hole of worry for the
mother, they just had to. But what message should they send, could they send?
Three
Kings looking for Mary. He’d understand he was clever. So they texted it. Three
Kings looking for Mary. The baby was safe and warm at City Hospital, what Vicky
had forgotten was more than most knew. The baby was called Michael, she didn’t
tell me, but as it was a boy and it was my house, so it was small Michael. The
Police said the mother could be lost in the woods, but was probably long gone,
so no search till daylight, just in case.
For the
boys, NOW means NOW, they were all fathers, what if it were one of their daughters?
They had to look, they had to look. They were Slavs, a daughter in trouble had
to be loved, had to be loved. At Nasa a message to a restricted number flags up
big time. All the Spy agencies were on the case. And what did Three Kings
looking for Mary mean?
Their
friend knew immediately, it’s my 3 friends from school back in the Homeland
where Russia/Poland and Ukraine make love on the map. They are looking for a
mother obviously. Who is Mary then? Mary was a new mother, so they are looking
for a new mother. But why look for a new mother? Probably because because they
found her baby. It’s an abandoned baby. It must be that. Lech, Boris and
Gregorgi knew he was clever, he did work for Nasa after all.
Lech’s
phone rang, it was Nasa. Could their friend help find the mother. Their friend
looked at array of top Nasa and spy agency people looking at him. Well I left
the East to work here, prove to me you have a heart. The man in the suit took
out his phone and showed a picture of a new born. This is my first granddaughter
she was born yesterday in England. The man in the suit said two words. DO IT!
And that
is how billion dollar satellites were used to find Mary and help the Three
Kings bring her offerings. As the woods were dark and only heat would show up in
space the new super dupper satellite was tested. It spotted the bulk of the
boys easily. A search area and grid pattern was assigned and the satellites put
to work. The girl from the Black Hole discovery teams poked her head around the
corner, what’s going on. They told her, so she found a space and opened her
laptop and did some space magic.
A few
foxes in woods were spotted and a few stray birds flying past. But what if
“Mary” the mother had fallen, her signature wood be smaller. The lady Dr worked
away at her laptop. Lech Boris and Gregorgi were hunting frantically but not
very successfully. They found a bloody bag and waved to space then phoned in
the news. This was added to the plot. This went on for two hours the woods were
so big after all. Saint Jude help us screamed Lech and Boris with Gregorgi
echoing their prayers.
In the
Space Station the Russian crew told the rest what was going on, they all said
Saint Jude’s prayer. Friends in higher places were needed. Then not one, two,
three or four, but five sparks of life and light came up from Space, including
the Space Station. Saint Jude does not mess about.
The Black
Hole Dr Lady jumped up, there she pointed at the wall size screen. In
Polish/Russian and Ukrainian the Nasa people and Spooks screamed instructions
to Lech, Boris and Gregorgi. The Three Kings have found Mary flashed all over
the world’s satellites. The old joke used to be why did the Americansget to the Moon first, they had more German
scientists than the Russians. But now, but now the Three Kings from the East
had found Mary lost in the woods.
The girl
really did need medical attention, and her name really was Mary. The Spy people
had a helicopter on standby and Lech, Boris and Gregorgiwaved and it descended into the black hole and
took her back to the light. But what about their still, it would be lost, and
the Police would be nosey etc. GCHQ in England knew what was going on, that’s
their job, Prince William will tell you that if ever you meet him by the coffee
machine. As luck would have it the new head of GCHQ was call Havis McTavish
from a very long line of Scottish Whisky makers. Do you think he’d let anybody
know what had happened the night before. I should cocoa, I repeat I should
cocoa. GCHQ slapped a D notice with a 30 year rule on everything.
Nobody or
nothing would ever know what happened. A man had found a baby and given it to
Michael Casey the fat silver haired writer in shades from Birmingham,the one in
England. His dear friend Vicky a midwife had taken it to hospital. Then another
man out walking his dog had found the mother. Full Stop, Period as the
Americans say. Or asIntelligence
sources say. MIND YOU OWN BUSINESS.
There is
a p.s. to this story. The man in the suit came to England to see his new grandchild
and obviously he’s so high up he gets Police escort. The Police handed him, a
brown paper bag with a 2 litre bottle of fresh Vodka in it. Tied to the bottle
on a luggage label was written in Polish/Ukrainian and Russian, with love from
The Three Kings and baby Michael. I heard that Havis McTavis from GCHQ also got
one, Prince William told me at the coffee machine, he delivered it personally.
I've decided to put all my rubbish back on the Amazon store, so you can all have the chance to puke in a bucket in unison as you read my stuff. A TIKTOK challenge.
Whatever, somehow I know it'll just be me talking to the big white telephone...
