Why Teenagers make you Old ©
By
Michael Casey
I was going to write “Why do Liars Lie” as I reading about several in today’s Press, or why do Politicians Hang On. Perhaps I’ll come back to that later on, however on a visit to the kitchen I spotted something that made me change today’s conversation. A boiling pan of something, unattended while the girls are up in their eyrie. The girls are good cooks but if you want to mess the new cooker or even set fire to the house then just walk away and play on your phone doing vacuous stuff while Rome or Home gently burns.
One daughter did get 3 Bs at mock A level, we await the final result maths, so I’m happy for her and little sister to have a break from the books, but not from common sense. At least all our smoke alarms do work, as other unattended stuff brought them into action. The burglar alarms thankfully have not been tested, and the cat will be swung claws out as first defence before I use my 18stones or 120 kilos of
Psychotic Judo Black Belt to defend my family.
But back to the story. Why do teenagers make you old? WHAT? WHAT? And WHAT? Being the most heard refrain, along with I’m busy. Which is code for they are Whats Apping whatever that is, or I’m tired, I was at school all day. What were you doing? In my case I reply “screaming in pain” and it wasn’t kinky sex with Lindy Loo from the Korean takeaway. I was all alone, just me and my Movelat or my Paracetamol. I bet you wish it was Lindy Loo, I’m telling mum, when she finishes her 16 hour day.
And on it goes. Why is your coat here? I’ll put it on the the coat stand later. An hour later your remind them. Later is the reply. Two hours later you remind them. Later is the reply. An hour later you ask again. Later is the reply. They can hear the sound of a bucket of water being filled. What’s that for they ask looking up from their phones. Its for later you reply. An hour later you ask can their raincoats away. Later is the reply. You may need to put your raincoats on. Later, why put them on, they are half interested now. Because, as you fetch the bucket of water. As you come towards them they shift from their prone position, you stumble and empty the contents of the bucket all over them. They scream, expecting wet cold water. It’s a bucket of toy frogs, though a 2nd bucket of water is still waiting in the kitchen.
Finally the teenagers but their coats away, by now they are hungry so they head for the kitchen where they bump into the bucket and spill gallons of water all over the kitchen floor. So you reclaim the sofa and tell them to wash the kitchen floor, then you’ll feed them. Half an hour later the floor is cleaned, as they moan about slave labour. Then you get them to set the table, you nonchalantly open the oven.
Dinner is ready, so while you were busy at school I was busy making this. In actual fact you are lying, Lindy Loo the Korean takeaway girl made it and said switch the oven on. She is mum’s best friend, and she keeps an eye on you. The meal is great, she likes cooking English food as relaxation from takeaway work. Now you have to persuade the teenagers to do the washing up, so all is done and tidy by the time the wife gets back.
We’re busy, we have homework, what have you been doing for hours? So you use the ultimate weapon. SWITCH OFF THE WIFI. This is like the Titanic hitting an iceberg. Panic ensues, but at least the washing up is all done, to match the shiny kitchen floor. Then they say they are reporting you to the Police for switching off the wifi. With that they disappear to their eyrie, they want to get As after all come the summer.
So you settle down and fall asleep on the sofa, the wife finally arrives, she is about to say you are so lazy, but spots the spotless kitchen floor and the clean dishes all stacked up. Everything is perfect, you smile in your sleep, you are thinking of Lindy Loo…
