The Writer Michael Casey from Birmingham 9th Dec 2017, fat and silver haired minus shades

me and my  mug, which one is uglier?

Cruel Christmas

Cruel Christmas ©

By Michael Casey

I was scanning the newspapers when I saw a piece about Johnny Depp’s goodwill trips to hospital. His daughter was saved by GOSH,  Great Ormond Street Hospital about 10 years ago, he was also in a biopic about Peter Pan’s creator, which is very good too.

Now that’s the good side of Christmas, but what about the dark side, can you feel the force or have you found your grannie’s stash of Babycham and are too hungover to feel anything, a bit like me having a pain day today.So if you are all sitting comfortably let me begin, no burping or farting at the back there, or there’ll be no Polish vodka for you. Didn’t I tell you the local deli gave me a bottle, I thought it was water but when I opened it I had a big big surprise.

So for Mrs Proper your English teacher what are you giving her? A scales and a tape measure, she is 123 kilos after all. The scales are to measure out her food, they go up to 150kilos, and the tape measure is to measure the mounds of food she shovels down her throat. You are so very thoughtful.

And what about Miss Crawley, you’re giving her something from Victoria’s Secret and and an ipad. My you must really like her, what does she teach, Religion. So why do you want to give her lingerie, because she is so hot you’d risk the Fires of Hell just to see her in red lingerie, and maybe she’ll take some selfies with the ipad, and maybe more. Perhaps a bottle of holy water would be more appropriate, or a bottle of Polish vodka.

Then there is the caretaker what are you going to give him? Deodorant, Brut, definately Brut, or maybe Jeyes Fluid with a spray nozzle attached. Does he have a sweat problem? Oh, the boys locker rooms smell nicer than him. You could have a quiet word to save embarrassing him. You did that, that was very kind of you. The Cheerleaders did a 5 minutes routine saying he stunk, he stunk, he stunk worse than a SKUNK. And what was his reaction? He just farted over the P.A. Nice.

So we’ve done school, what about a present for your local priest. An egg timer, that’s thoughtful, so he’ll have perfect boiled eggs for his breakfast, the most important meal of the day. Oh, its for his pulpit so he’ll give shorted sermons. Well dual purpose presents are always the best ones and it does save money.

And are you giving anything to Henry our street cleaner, 20 cans of lager, that’s very good. You are going to drink the lager first and give him the empty cans, now that’s so cruel. You really are going to give him 20 cans of lager, he rescued your wallet from the storm drain by using his litter picker. You were on a hot date with somebody from school, Miss Crawley, only joking but who knows in the future.

What about granddad, you have bought him incontinence knickers so he can watch Manchester United without dashing to the toilet in the middle of it, and he can drink 4 cans of Stella Artois such is the capacity of the incontinence knickers. My you really do love granddad.

What about your sister, you got her original gift tokens, I never heard of original gift tokens. You gave her 100 quid in cash, very kind of you. You had a win on the lottery otherwise she’d have gotten 10 quid and a lottery ticket. But it’s the thought that counts.

And what about me, do I get anything, though to be honest a card made with love would be enough. You have nothing for me, but when you finish your Kentucky Fried Chicken  you’ll make a Christmas card out of the box, because you know how ecology and recycling is so dear to my heart. Oh, but you will put a lottery ticket inside the card, you will, that’s nice I could win millions, and I’d buy everybody in the family a new house. What can you repeat that your mouth is so full of chicken, can I lend you 2 pounds for lottery ticket, then you’ll put it in the card made from a used Kentucky Fried Chicken box.

Merry Christmas2016 Everybody, Christmas costs nothing and is made of Love, and I have plenty of that, nothing, nothing but love.  

*****

hope you like the humour.

https://www.amazon.com/MichaelCasey/e/B00571G0YC 

Old Snow and Birmingham snaps

How to get to Old Forge And Singing Anvil

https://www.amazon.com/MichaelCasey/e/B00571G0YC

From the Author

From Harry Potter to Old Forge and Singing AnvilBy Michael CaseyHow do you get somewhere? You open your door and walk down the street, you may be going shopping for sugar, or you may be popping into church for a chat with God.You could be feeling lucky and go to Stanley Racing to have a 50p bet, at least smoking is banned now.To catch the train to Hogworts in Harry Potter you go to platform 9 ¾ and then away you go on a journey. The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker is set in Old Forge and Singing Anvil which is a magical place somewhere in the Black Country. So how do you get there? Well its easy, you just go to the pub. The Bear Tavern just 5 mins away from where I'm talking to you. Before you go inside the Bear just pop into the pharmacy and buy a big bottle of perfume, as an apology to your girl. Inside The Bear you ask for 17pints and packet of cheese and onion crisps. The crisps will soak up the 17pints. If you don't like alcohol or 17 pints is too much then just have 17 pints of cola. There is no time limit. Once the 17pints have been drunk and you've finished picking your teeth you are free to leave.Outside your head will spin at first, but in seconds, you'll wonder where you are as the familiar Bearwood Rd will have disappeared and as for the bear's head and the stone carved bears' heads on top of the Bear Tavern all will have vanished. Then your head stops spinning and you are on a different street of shops, you are on, well I cannot tell you the name of the street you have to read the book. You are though standing outside The Trader and now all 17pints and the cheese and onion crisps are forgot so you go inside for a drink, just one. The Trader is a real ale bastion in fact Camra just put "I cried" in its listing, it was that good. Wayne the landlord has a secret in the cellar, it's a stash of 40 or even 60 year old malt whisky. He stumbled over the hidden stash when he was renovating his pub,Now if you like your cafes then there is one just down the road from the Trader, Mark and Gillian got fed up of working in 5 stars, they wanted to see their diners, so they came back home to Old Forge and Singing Anvil where they set up shop, or rather opened a café. Yes you can park your wagon and get a great bacon butty, Big Sid provides the meat and Patrick provides the bread. However with all their skill you are eating Michelin standard food in a small back street of Old Forge and Singing Anvil. This is just a peek of Old Forge and Singing Anvil, home to The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker. All you need is imagination and 17 pints of lager and one packetof cheese and onion crisps.end

About the Author

Well I'm fat, almost tall and I have silver coloured hair. You can see for yourself on the book covers. I wear shades because I need them they are not a pose, do I look like the kind of person who poses?

I have a Shanghai wife and 2 bilingual daughters, laughter is a big theme in our house, it stops the wife form nagging me. The term the wife is an old fashioned term that I like so I use it, its from British comedians from a different era. I try and write comedy/comic pieces as I'd rather make you laugh or at least smile instead of causing you pain. I do reserve the right  to make you think too, or try at any rate.

Writing is all about trying to influence people without the use of substances, touch their heart or influence their mind, and maybe steal a bit of their money and get them to buy all 5 of my Ebooks. So much for the theory, I'm a much fatter version of Gangham Style and see what happened to him.

Just a quick note

Thanks for reading my stuff I'll be having a rest. Chest pains, where my breastbone was broken etc.
Though the  reading figures are pleasing.
Somebody is googling "michaelgcasey"  a lot which probably means somebody will try to hack me soon,or just send me rubbish emails galore.

The Undertaker ones always make me smile, as do the SEO ones.
They say after quadruple heart bypass you can live 20 or 25 years.
I do not believe that.
With Kidney and Arthritis on top I bet on 10 more years.
I've had 3 so far, but some nights the arthritis is so bad
It wears down your body.
My spirits are good as the writing makes me happy
Watched some History programmes on tv tonight, BBC4 is very good.
If my life had been easy I'd be a History teacher by now, but instead I've ended up a writer.
Talking to myself and watching the figures here on Blogger.
That's all
Michael
p.s. this is my favourite photo me, in Malta, one day I will return, didn't MacArthur say that?

 By the way the michael g. casey is not me, he's a serious Dublin guy, older than me.

Preparing the dead

Preparing The Dead ©

By Michael Casey

Life is for living but what of the next life? Are you ready for what happens next, assuming you have a Faith, or had any Hope or Charity in your life. It’s the Hope and the Charity perhaps more than any Faith that’ll make the difference. Who so ever you did it to the least of my brethren, you did it to me so it speaks in the Bible. I’m sure other Faiths have great words and beliefs that cover such things. But what of the Undertaker, when he performs the last services for the body, for all our bodies what about him?

In The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker my first book, it’s a comedy drama by the way, we meet Percy Frost the Undertaker and Poet, though for him Poet and Undertaker might be the correct order. So let’s listen in as he goes about his work, his vocation, as generations of Frosts before him have done so.

From the paperwork you are a Christian, so I’ll say the Lord’s Prayer before I begin, or should I say the Our Father as it says Catholic. Now if you are settled I will begin. I have to remove all remaining clothing and clean your body, but you will remember when you came into this world the Midwife did the honours, now it’s me the Undertaker who’ll give you’re the final wash. I’ll avert my eyes so no need to be embarrassed, see that’s much better, you want to smell tour best when you meet the angels.

The family has provided a suit to dress you in, and a nice pair of slippers too, so you won’t make any noise in Heaven as you walk about in the beautiful garden. That’s where the Garden of Eden is, but this time you can eat as many apples as you like, just save a nice apple for me for when it’s my time to get there.

Now you look so nice now, I’ll just comb your hair and put a bit of blusher on your cheeks and a touch of lipstick. People get frightened if you look too pale. I’ll just call my son to help pop you in your coffin then we can put you in the chapel of rest so your family can come and say their final farewells. I’ll have the Christian symbols placed next to the coffin too. See there’s nothing to be scared of, and when all the family has said their goodbyes I’ll put the coffin lid on. Everything will be just fine, then tomorrow will be the funeral and then we’ll place you in your grave next to your old dead mum and dad, see everything will be nice and you’ll soon be having a cup of tea in Paradise.

Percy Frost is of course a professional, but more importantly than that he is a Poet and a man of Faith. As he prepares bodies for their eternal rest he knows he is privileged to be allowed to do such an honour. He is prepping souls for their audition with Almighty God himself.

So Percy honours them whatever Faith they are, he says the prayers for each of the Faiths with such dignity and grace as he prepares their mortal remains. All Faiths and none are greeted by this Concierge of the Graveyard, making them relax as her prepares them for the final joy of entering into the Kingdom of Heaven.

Once there was a body released from the Council Morgue and Percy had  promised her a great send off after having spent six months in the cold. It became a Jazz Funeral, you can read all about it in The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker. Percy’s spirit is based on a real undertaker we know and I feel all Undertakers do at heart follow in his footsteps.

If you doubt what I say then all I’ll say is that you’ll know if I’m right or wrong when you get the invite to The Kingdom of Heaven at your own Funeral.

Last Minute Writing

Last Minute Writing©

By

Michael Casey

I was wondering what to talk about tonight, I could bore you about my pains, which have subsided so while I wait for my bath water to heat up I’ll try and entertain you, but then I’ll have a soak of my arthritic bits and pieces.

You may all think that my writing is all last minute, judging by the quality, but then I’d cry, and you don’t want to make Santa cry so close to Christmas, you do want you presents after all, don’t you? So I was thinking how do ideas come about? Or rather last minute ideas. You may know I love Don Camillo, no Boris, Lech and Lav I do not have a Italian gangster boyfriend, North Korean ex army girl would be more up my street. But I digress. Don Camillo is a comedy figure from the 1950s, you can find videos on Utube, if you click on my Blogger id there is a link inside to a full Don Camillo film in English. Even though the listing has changed these past few days for some unexplained Google reason.

Don Camillo himself was invented by Giovannino Guareschi when at the last minute he had to fill space in a paper, so Don Camillo was born. I was in fact reading an omnibus edition of the stories in the days prior to my quadruple heart bypass. The Italian heart surgeon Prof Pagano who had a look at me was impressed by my reading tastes. My point though is that a last minute filler became an International hit. Yes written before I was even born, my History teacher said give it a try 40 years ago and I did. I’ve reread the stories several times. You may have never have heard of Don Camillo but its worth a look, especially if you like comic communists fighting catholic priests. The priest and the communists are like brothers really as they fought as Partisans together in WWII. I’m sure my Polish readers will love it.

Now what about me, well as you know I usually write a piece in an hour, that’s my skill, ok Boris, Lav and Lech any more rude noises and I’ll write a sentence where your car breaks down and you are stranded for a month in 3 metres of snow. And you only survive by eating, well I’ll leave it to your imagination, I could say you cut Boris’s fat arse off and eat it. But that would be disgusting and inedible. Besides that’s what the rugby players did in that Andes plane crash, I read the book maybe 30 years ago.

So what do I do as a last minute filler, as a piece of writing to keep you all amused and to keep my brain active. Well each piece is unplanned, its spontaneous, I prefer it that way. It’s more fun for me, Boris, Lech and Lav if you dare say what I know you are thinking then I’ll make you have an accident. I’ll give you 20 litres of Pilsner and lock the toilets. Ok, sorry, I know 60 litres then I’ll lock the toilets, see if you like peeing in your pants like children. You’d pee through the keyhole, it’d be fun, especially after 20 litres of Pilsner each. It’s a waste of time talking to you three, Tom, Dick and Harry were never this trouble.

So I pick a theme and away I go. Remember having Total Recall, ok, being such a boring old fart, I can go on and on, don’t even think about it you three are disgusting. Ok, I’ve unlocked the toilets, go and have a pee, instead of taking the pee all the time. Now that I’ve got rid of those cousins I’ll continue. What do you expect when Polish, Ukrainian and Russian cousins get together? 100 litres of Pilsner. Ok can you be quiet too.

So I write a piece in an hour as I wouldn’t have the energy to do more than and hour. And a book is a year of your life, though as I’ve said before if somebody, anybody gave me a tape recorder or a legal secretary then I could write another full length novel in maybe 3 months. So where do the ideas come from? Lust? No I don’t write that kind of stuff, I just place a few ideas in your head then I let you take them home to bed. I’m just here all alone watching the news on tv, while Boris, Lech and Lav improvise from what they have read, from what I’ve hinted.

From the News? Yes if something is in the news it will spark and idea, or a parody of something. Trump goes on forever giving us all ideas, as for Brexit over here, it’s very boring, as it goes on forever. And I speak as a news junkie. A news item might remind me of something from last week or last year, or 50 years ago. 55years ago I was left all alone in the house in front of a roaring coal fire while my dad collected our new sister, number 6 in the family from Dudley Road hospital. So I remember that and my mother returning and sitting downing the chair holding my new little sister. I remember dad in his sports jacket too.

It’s really simple really, I think of one word, add the water of memory and nurture it with adjectives and simple punctuation and then hey presto I have another story for you. This one is Number 1507 if you include the repeats, 1,215,732 words plus this story. I may have 100,000 words collated into 15 Down ready to turn into my 15^th book just after Christmas. If only you’d start buying them, but Boris, Lech and Lav are too busy drinking Pilsner, though to be honest, which is more fun?

Ok I have to wash and soak my sore bits now, my daughter just shouted out from behind me she is now ranked 18^th out of 700 for Maths. So I have to buy her more chocolate. And that is the last minute writing for tonight, with a bit of maths thrown in by my daughter.