Friday, 3 March 2017
When You Die I'm Gonna Have
When You Die I’m Gonna Have©
By Michael Casey
Siblings argue, they always do, look at your own family, look
out the window at the neighbours over the road. Look North, look South, look
East, look West, stop looking at your navel, look around you. Look high into
the sky and look in the gutter whether or not there are stars there.
I’m gonna have your room the biggest room when you die, and I’m
gonna throw your stuff in a skip and get it carted away like rubbish. I hate
you, I hate you, I really hate you. The door is slammed to punctuate the
sentence, I hate you!
I’m going to burn your stuff so there will be no trace of it.
I’d cremate you and flush the ashes down the toilet, so I could pooh on you
every single day. Yes that’s what I’m gonna do, I’ll be glad when you are gone.
No stink of you about the house, you will be gone gone gone.
Then when the cancer struck, then when the cancer struck, then
when the cancer struck, he still told her he hated her, he still told her he
hated her. It would be wrong to change his tune, it would be wrong to change his
tune. And yet, she loved him even more, and yet she loved him even more. This
is the way they were, this is the way they were.
I’m having an operation tomorrow, good I hope you die, I’ll
start moving your stuff out of your room. That night he realised he’d have
nobody to argue with, he’d have nobody to love, he’d have nobody to help him
with his homework. How could he say he loved his sister, how could he say he
really loved her to bits, how could he say he’d be heartbroken, that his life
would be over without her.
He went on Facebook and got 10,000 people praying for her,
every denomination none. He pretended he was Christian and Jewish and Buddhist
and Pagan, every Faith and anything that believed in one God or had some form
of belief, he just went through a list he found on Wikipedia asking and begging
for prayers for his sister.
He demanded that God saved his sister, he offered
to take and accept all and any pain his sister might have, just let him carry
any cross for her, just save his sister because he hated her. But that was
normal she was a big sister after all.
Then exhausted he slumped down in front of his computer, the
tears came down the tears came down, just pray for my sister will ya, she’s
gonna die but somebody out there must be good with prayers, just pray for my
sister. Sure I hate my sister because she is my big sister after all, but but
but really I do LOVE her, honest to God I love her, please save her.
The boy had knocked a button on his computer his pleas had
been steamed all over FaceBook, the 10,000 became 100,000 and then it was
picked up on local tv. By the morning 2,000,000 were praying and hoping for his
sister, lots of boys who hated their big
sisters were praying too. You couldn’t live without your big sister could you.
I still hate you even though you survived the operation, don’t
think I’m going soft said the boy to his big sister as she watched the tv news,
in total 10,000,000 had joined the prayer chain.
I know you hate me and always will said the sister, and I don’t
want it any other way, you hate me10,000,000 times over. And then they cried
together, tears of joy and hope and LOVE.
Thursday, 2 March 2017
A Glimpse Of Stocking
A Glimpse Of Stocking ©
By Michael Casey
Well yesterday was Ash Wednesday so I hope you are all still there,
you may have given me up for Lent. I think we need a little levity so that’s what
I’ll try for today. There may be pauses as the pain demands attention like a
spoilt brat, or a North Korean leader, I’ve thrown in a political joke just for
the journalists reading this. You think I’m a girl mentioning the pain, I’ll
throw a few adjectives at you or even a metaphor if you are not nice to me,
I’ll tell my Polish fans to come and hack you. 7000 plus hits in less than a
week from Poland, maybe only they find me funny. So move to Poland, you really
are so cruel, I’ll come a live next door to you. I knew that would shut you up,
call yourself a sub editor, emphasis on the SUB.
Now that we’ve sorted out who is the boss shall I begin, and see I’m
posh I use shall. We wish you used more deodorant. Silence in the ranks, I look
like the Elephant in the Jungle Book, or is that just the smell. If any of you
mutter anything again I’ll send you to Donald for a spanking.
Now spanking is a key word in English, those naughty boys, the SILENT
naughty boys smile at the very mention of the word. If you have seen the Carry
On Films then I need say no more. What I want to talk about today is how values
have changed so much. Personally I think it’s all in the mind, what? It, it is
all in the mind.
You don’t have to lay it all on, or swamp everybody with it,
it not IT, there is a difference. You know it, or shall I shout IT, and I mean IT and not IT. Sometimes the
Press pack are so deliberately boring. Donald give them a really good spanking from me. I know MATT the
cartoonist has whipped his crayons out already and you have a queue, or Line as
they say in USA of journalists waiting to be spanked by Donald.
Ok I’ll leave that idea in your mind and I bet it’ll appear somewhere
in cartoon form within a week, I am Mr Cartoons made from Words after all. Now
where was I, yes I’m sat here talking to you all, and I have to confess I get
Russian readers too, Putin reads me, yes he does, his MAD magazine got stuck in
the post somewhere so he started reading my column, Nelson his press secretary
put him on to me. That’s what a bushy
eyed man told me by the frozen peas in Aldi yesterday, or he may have been
asking me to putin the peas into his basket. I just wish I was a linguist,
LINGUIST, you lot are so slow sometimes.
Yes, what I really want to talk about today is the wanton use of sex
in the media. In days of old a glimpse of stocking was classed as shocking but
now anything goes. I think I saw it performed at the Good Old Days on tv. What
is amusing us all at the moment is a feminist deciding to flash or half flash,
her upper bits, I won’t use any words as it may upset nanny. I can hear the
sound of the cane in the distance,
Donald is spanking the journalists in the
distance. They should have saved the DC Digger Metro Edition, not because its
second hand bargains were the best in the whole of USA, and the supermarket
coupons inside were always for the best shops. But because if you stuff it down
the back of your trousers no amount of spanking by teacher will hurt.
So rather than talk about the level of nudity, let’s look at this
sideways, and sometimes you have to because the way things are published.
Should I, moi Michael Casey from Birmingham England, should I have a shirt
split to the navel to expose my quadruple heart bypass scar. Should I wear see-through
pants, as you call trousers in USA, should I expose my short fat and hairy legs
to show off my scars. The scars run from my socks and stop at my, well too high
to mention, only my nurse has examined those regions.
In today’s world the Stars
show everything, only a butcher shows more, laying in his shop window, and if
the Stars were naked in a butcher’s shop window could you tell one piece of
meat from another? And no I’m not suggesting the butcher lies naked in his shop
window only holding his cleaver.
What if in the future the circle turns full circle. You wear a suit with
cut outs exposing your elbows, just your elbows. The screams from women in the
street as they faint with shock. Exposed elbows, terrible, shock horror.
Somebody take him to Donald’s office for a spanking, he must be a terrible
journalist or some such thing. Then even worse a suit with exposed knees,
otherwise totally totally formal but the knees exposed, the utter depravity of
it, exposing your knees in public.
The absolute worse of the worse would be
shoes, patent leather shoes with the big toe exposed and wiggling for the whole
world to see. Off with his head, somebody call the executioner, what Mr
Pierpont is on holiday. Donald will have to give him a double spanking instead.
Where is Pierpont? Oh, he went on a Nudist holiday to Brighton in England.
Oh just for the record Donald is a She, in these days of gender
equality anybody can be called anything they like. Donald is the President of
the Bad Grammar Corrective Ink Party. A private members club for Journalists in
DC. What were you all thinking, I told you it’s all in the mind.
Wednesday, 1 March 2017
The Things we do for kids
The Things We Do For Kids ©
By Michael Casey
I’m listening to Bread on Spotify and the song is “Make it
with You” which is how kids are made in the first place, between 3 and 4 am
after a graveyard shift also works if anybody out there is having trouble
creating a baby. Don’t worry be happy, when I was in the hotel years ago one
girl blurted out that another wanted to breed with me because I had such cute
kids. My standard joke is that ugly dads have beautiful kids, and cute parents have
ugly kids, its balance, God’s sense of humour.
Once you have your kids you will do anything for them, you
will wear shabby clothes just so your daughter can have that nice dress for the
prom. I just remembered my dad had a made to measure suit, something unheard of
for a working-class man, a blacksmith and steel worker. I only just remembered
that story, and yes I paid for it, that’s an old memory from maybe 40 years ago,
the Jewish tailor was very good, his name may come to me later on as I talk to
you. Mr Rice comes to mind, but I may be confusing him with somebody I met in
my travels.
My dad did so much for me and all his brood, and yes he had
his heart broken by us all, and he had to heal our broken hearts, as did mum as
do all mums. The Power of Love is such a great thing, and we all remember in
the Bible the passage about achieving great things, but if there is no love,
then there is nothing. I can remember our Jewish head boy Hart was his name read the passage out in
school assembly maybe 45 years ago, I remember him because his younger brother
was in my brother’s form.
It is such a simple truth, and it is this simple truth that
pervades us all, we love our kids to the death, to our own death, I was called “boy”
by my dad till I was 40, he still cared and treated me like his little boy,
even though I weigh as much as a heavyweight boxer, more to be honest.
Now I am a dad myself my duty and it is duty is to go out in
the wind and rain to the corner shop to buy chocolate and other snacks while my
girls study hard. Last generation was Oxbridge and this generation may equal
that, or I may just give a Dr and the next Julie Walters to the world. Julie
Walters used to live just up the road from our house when she was a humble
nurse, washing a sleeping patient who was in fact dead.
I’d come home from an evening shift and dad may have the 1st
forkful on his fork about to eat it, he’d offer me the food from his very
mouth, just as birds feed their young, dad claiming he was not hungry. This is
the standard I grew up with, so this generation means I go out in the rain for
snacks for my girls, which is nothing compared to what my dad did for all his brood.
If is being sung by bread on Spotify now, if as they say is a
very melancholy word, did we thank our mum and dad enough, did we say “I LOVE
YOU” long enough and loud enough while they were alive, do we feel guilty about
it when they are gone. My generation never went around saying this and doing
that, just like reality tv people.
I did visit my dad every single day while he was in the old
people’s home, and after 3 years of visits I met my wife, it’s all in Padre Pio
and Me by Michael Casey, on the internet, so does that count as saying I love
you? Bread are singing Everything I Own, and the words are so powerful, you can
apply them to any form of lost love. Do I plan this, no I’m not that clever,
but I am very quick at reacting, hence that’s why I mention Bread in this
story.
Love binds us together as families, it’s in the breed and it’s
in the blood as my dad used to say. We all would say kill me, save my child,
have everything I own but save my family. If you love your things, your flash
car or your big house more than your kids or more than your girlfriend then I
would say you have never heard that Bible passage Without Love.
Today is Ash Wednesday 1st March 2017, just in case
anybody finds this story in future years. Ashes to Ashes Dust to Dust if God
Does Not Have You Then The Devil Must as we used to say as kids, but I’d say it’s
true. WE are given our kids to treasure to love as long as we live, we should
love them as much as life itself, and to die for them if we have to.
Just as Christ died for us.
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