Safety Net

Safety Net ©

By Michael Casey

As I speak the England team are no doubt drowning their sorrows, they just got beat by Iceland, and I don’t mean the frozen food company, maybe some diehard football fans will boycott their shop. If only the England team had put more balls in the back of the net, though Clive on the late night news did mention the fact that the whole of Europe may be rejoicing after the Euro Vote. England the UK is not very popular right now.

This is just to put everything in context, tonight is Monday 27^th June 2016, History is happening all over the place. When your world is crashing down you need a Safety Net, something to cheer you up, I’m listening to Baker Street from the City to City album of Gerry Rafferty. Music is my Safety Net, or rather my companion or even lover, I should stop playing the Barry White album so much.

A Safety Net does reassure us, it’s our rope and harness as we abseil off a building, or when we are out of our depth then a safety net is of enormous benefit. A metaphoric safety net more than anything else, I have several, though my safety nets don’t even know that they are so important to me. I chat with the Lolly Pop Man, this is what we call the crossing supervisor outside schools here in England.

He holds a giant stick like a giant lolly pop so as to stop traffic. Anyways I stop and chat and talk and exchange a joke or two, he is a constant in my day, some days I may have no pain, but the next I’m in tremendous pain, so having a joke does take your mind off the pain. He’s also had a bypass so we have something in common.

You may come home and talk to your mum and tell her all your woes, she may be deaf but still she is so important to you, she is listening even if she cannot even hear you. Mum is a lightning rod she earths you and protects you from all evil, or from the build-up of too much stress. If you don’t have a mum or dad or a grannie or any family member to talk to then you can always go to a café and befriend a little old lady, buy her a cup of tea, lie and say you won a tenner on the lottery and could she share a tea and cake with you. By this subterfuge you can offload your stress and maybe make a friend.

Talking is a safety net, and if you cannot find a real person to talk to then just kidnap your neighbour’s cat and give it milk, a cat will listen to anybody for a bowl of milk. If you cannot find a cat then you can always talk to a photo, or just talk to the wall like in the play Shirley Valentine.

Safety nets are needed and they do work. You may go for a swim or a walk in the woods or visit a church and talk to God or just curse at him. God doesn’t mind curses, at least you are talking to him, and that’s always a good beginning. Or it could be like the Simon and Garfunkel song the Boxer, I was so lonely I took some comfort there. Whatever is your Safety Net so long as you have one then you will avoid being stressed out and getting into something bad to alleviate your stress. You don’t want to start on Class As when all you need to do is take a Class in pottery, or flower arranging.  

Support structure is a fancy term  for safety net, the old families which had 3 generations living together or close together was a spiders web of love supporting each other. Now we have more toys and things but we can miss the cheapest and most vital of things, a family. Form a Christian Family if you want a bit of Peace in your Life said Padre Pio. It can be a family of any faith or none, but Family is the greatest safety net of all, despite any family bickering, because it’s much better than walking the tightrope of life all alone. 

Allo la France

J'ai decubri que il y des personnes qui lit mes histories comique a la France.

Moi je parle las Francais comme une vache parle L'Espagne.

J'espere que toute la monde pense que mes mots son une bonne rigole

Mes ecuse por la Francais terrible il y a 40 ans depuis l'exam de Francais

J'a visite Paris, Loudres et la Normandie peut etre a l@avenir  je retourner.

THanks for reading my bad French, its easier to speak than write.

Political Interviews or No Views at All

Political Interviews or No Views at All ©

By Michael Casey

So why do you want to be leader of your Party?

I’ve always had a sense of duty, I must help those less fortunate than me.

You mean you were in your mid 30s and your inheritance did not come yet.

No, not at all, I’ve always had an affinity with my lesser brethren.

Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself?

Yes that’s exactly it, my Faith any Faith gives that essence to one’s being.

So that’s why you got the vicar’s daughter pregnant when she was just 16.

It was love, deep deep love, our love of scripture brought us together.

So you stole the vicar’s car and eloped to Gretna Green, and were married.

I just borrowed the car, no charges were brought we were deeply in love.

You mean she was pregnant, and the vicar would have killed you.

That’s your opinion, we know it was just a deep deep love.

Was she hot? Red hair and curves galore, or was she a ginger full of freckles?

The former, but looks don’t matter at all, it was just love, love, love.

So when she  got fat after the birth of your child what did you do?

We always loved each other, but we realised the age gap was too much.

15 years I believe, so really you had seduced her.

No, not at all, she did all the leading, I just followed.

But you enjoyed it.

Of course, of course not, it was just such a tragic situation.

She joined a Punk band and disappeared off the face of the earth.

Yes that’s correct, but they did have 2 songs in the top 10 Punk chart.

So you raised your child without her, for six months that is.

That’s correct, I was a single parent, it’s in all my literature.

Until you married her even hotter sister, just 18 months older.

I had to think of the child and her aunty was the perfect substitute mum.

You divorced your wife to marry her sister.

I was thinking of the child.

You then went on to have 9 more children.

Yes, we had a very fertile relationship.

I’m amazed you had any time for politics, too busy multiplying your family.

I am a man of the people.

And did the sister lose her looks?

No.

Hence all the babies, you were worse than rabbits.

Just following the good lord’s message, go forth and multiply.

You could have just become a maths teacher instead.

Now we’ve covered your family record what about your politics?

To serve the people and be a good servant, a waiter to their desires.

Seems like you were satisfying your own desires, 10 kids.

A man has the right to bear arms and to hold his wife in his arms.

You certainly did that.

People know I’m one of them, so we connect.

It was thanks to all these connections that you stole millions.

Those were all Party contributions, they were just resting in my bank.

Bank of Panama and Bank of Faceless in Bogota, sounds normal.

They offered a high rate of interest, so I put money there for good of the Party.

So it’s nothing to do with you that the money disappeared.

It was a tragic loss of money for the Party funds.

So you resigned from the Party.

Yes I am an honourable man.

Then moved to a new 30million Property, with 2 swimming pools.

For the good of my children, one pool is not enough.

Because you have 10 kids and a white hot wife.

She has cancer and is dying.

I’m so sorry I apologise.

Thanks, I will be marrying her twin sister, when she sadly dies.

Her twin sister, is she the plain one?

No that’s her older sister.

Her twin sister is in fact the hottest girl in the family.

You certainly have ploughed the fields and scattered.

It’s my Faith, like I said I am a man of Faith.

Or you have a rattlesnake in your….. 

All through the Night

All through the Night ©

By Michael Casey

 Last night I listened to the radio all through the night, BBC Radio4, I’m a bit of a news freak so I listened on and off through the night, it was the night of the EU Vote after all, 23^rd to 24^th June 2016. Totoro our cat joined me from time to time to discuss the implications of EU exit and the price of Whiskas, then she miaowed and looked at the moon from the vantage point of the top of my bed post. Her tail swishing this way and that like a conductor, conducting stars in the heavens, before she jumped onto the windowsill to press her nose against the glass.

So in the morning I was exhausted but pleased, I had followed the news, one EU vote and 3 political leaders upset. From a news editor’s point of view of view a perfect story. When you spend a night doing something it’s always great to get a result.

I used to work till 2.30am, the graveyard shift and then catch a 3am taxi home, then by 4am I was asleep in bed. I think it was those hours that helped us conceive our first child, who will hopefully become a doctor. The downside of such hours is that when I ended that job it took me 3 months to deprogram myself to sleep at normal hours.

I did in fact do 14 plus years of night shifts, the full deal, we did 10 hour nights and even 12 hour nights. There is a strange feel to working all through the night, ask any night shift worker. Be it doctor or miner or factory worker. My nights were in computer rooms, I could not work in an office nor in a factory so a computer room was a good compromise. I started back in 1978, yes nearly 40 years ago.

I’d come in and tidy up after the previous shift, mag tapes galore everywhere, we’d put our selection of music on the ghetto-blaster, REM was big all those years ago, it’s the music which was the best part of the night shift. We shovel paper, 2 part or 3 part continuous listing paper, or audit forms. I’d have to climb Mount Everest in the paper store room to get more of the correct paper. I’d have to tidy up there as well. It was 20 year olds in charge of a room full of computers, disk drives were as big as washing machines then.

All through the night we’d sling paper here there and everywhere, the ghetto-blaster fighting over the noise of the AC and the barrel printers, years later we got a dedicated print room, even later a monitor room so we were not in the paper dust and ink. It was fun and we enjoyed ourselves, 10 years like that I suppose, and yes I carried a lot of people, I’ll leave it to your imagination.

At 2am it was kicking out time from the night clubs, we were directly over one and could watch down into the Chinese Quarter, we were on Smallbrook Queens Way behind New Street Station, above Superfi, which is still there. So now you know where my misspent youth was spent. We all worked hard and sung and shout and let it all hang out while we worked on market research into alcohol sales. A job for life or 21 years in my case.

4 am in the morning we would watch the sun rise over the Blues ground, it was a Pagan ritual for us, I must have seen the sun rise 1000s of times, so in a way that was a privilege, seeing Dawn every morning. You also hit the Wall, not the same one as in running the marathon, though night shifts can be a marathon. No the wall , our wall was the Sillies, because you were so tired your body just had enough so you would laugh at anything, so we had a tea break until it passed.

Other people Normal people, never work a night shift, for them All through the Night, means a night of passion with Doreen from accounts, or a night at a party where they fall asleep in a heap with everybody else. The last man standing is dancing with that pretty Indian Police Girl, he works night shifts and she works them too. So there is a bond between them, whether she takes down his particulars is up to them, but she does have handcuffs.   

EU Vote 23rd June 2016

EU Vote 23^rd June 2016 ©

By Michael Casey

Well I’ve put the washing machine on, 2^nd load of the day, I’m such a hausfrau, a man’s work is never done. Totoro our cat is trying to get at the gas meter, I don’t know is it for the shillings or is she a sniffer, the things you have to watch out for when you have children, Totoro is my 3^rd daughter you know, the hairiest by far.

This EU thingy is very hard to follow, so I’m going to ask my friends Duncan and Sandy for advice, they are Bona Legal Advice people after all, very clever people. Their shop is above the chip shop, it was above the Chinese takeaway but Ling Loo sold up and it became a chip shop. So I’ll just give Duncan and Sandy a ring and see what they advise.

Hello is that you two? Who else could it be, not unless you enjoy ringing strangers and asking for advice? It’s the Common Market, I’ve been swinging this way and that and I just don’t know what to do. We had that problem too, but in the end we settled as we are , and are very happy for it. Anyway enough of our private life what can we do you for?

Advise me, but don’t bend me shake me anyway you want to. Sounds like a 60s song title. Or a DynaRod sewer cleaning advert, sniggered Duncan and Sandy. Hold on let me put my gasmask on, Duncan is opening that French cheese again, the one we bought 3 years ago in Normandy. Its ok now, let me just grab his baguettes, and toss a bit of Spanish Chorizo on top, and I’ll sprinkle a virgin  olive oil from Italy on top. Pray continue.

Can you help me, I don’t know how to vote. I suggest you follow your heart, I did with Sandy, it was the sight of him with his bicycle clips on and his stripy tee shirt and the onions around him that first drew me to him. Vive La France, vive les oignions. But you don’t have a heart, well get one from the butcher’s and stir the onions well, but go easy with the garlic.

What do you love about the EU, and what do you hate. You don’t like the Eiffel tower, why, because you hate heights. But what about Louvre, it’s too big and with your legs you’d get  sore feet, you are waiting for some new surgical stocking from the doctor, but they haven’t come yet.

Well what about the Italians? They speak too fast and are only interested in one thing, football. But you do like pizza, especially from Valentinos, is that in Italy, no in Birmingham. But you must like  Rome, all roads lead to Rome they say, not when your satnav broke when you were in Rome, luckily some bloke in all white called Francis told you to follow his dirty beat up fiat. But you do like the Trevi Fountain? You threw in a coin, only it was a shopping trolley token so you’ve never been back.

What about Spain then, topless bathing and constant sun. It gives you a headache  and you ended up on a nudist beach by mistake, the signs were all in Spanish, and were forced to go totally nude. You couldn’t hide your embarrassment. We were on that beach several times, we just decided  to think positively, if they are jealous of our bodies, then let them be.

What about Germany. Well, I got lost in the mist, and my car shuddered to a halt, then these huge men came and rescued me. Pray tell us more urged Duncan and Sandy. They towed my car and took me to their village, they were all wearing shorts, leather shorts, we did not stop drinking for days. It was the Beer Festival. They fixed my car too, I’m sure they put a brand new engine inside it. Then best of all they took me to Aldi. I didn’t have much money left, so I was amazed how much you get for your money.

So you like Germany, I love it. What about their neighbour Poland? Your plumber was from Poland, he was very nice. And you love the food from the Deli by your house. Yes. So we think you’re going to vote Yes, or rather Stay or Remain or whatever is on the ballot paper.  

Yes, that’s if my builder doesn’t take all day. I’m having a new fence built all around my property. Trump Fencing is the company, have you heard of him, I heard he was very good. A bit of a linguist, he can speak Spanish.

******Duncan and Sandy were 2 great comedy heroes from Around the Horne a BBC Radio Classic, I’ve borrowed their names, as for the vote, I’m just going to close my eyes and see what Fate decides.