Ben Fogle said do something in 2013, how do you like to read this instead
Ben Fogle said do something in 2013, how do you like to read this instead. Its the first chapter of my 6th book. Tears For a Butcher.
It’ll take me a year to finish it, not useless somebody donates a ParaLegal secretary, they can type at 100wpm you know. I could sit down and dictate, just like Barbara Cartland did. IF you like this 1st chapter then you can read my other 5 books on Amazon Kindle, only 2quid each.
I am available for hire as of 3pm this afternoon.
A
Nation Of Shopkeepers Book Two
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Tears For a Butcher ©
by
Michael Casey
Chapter
One ...Mrs Murphy to the Rescue
ÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿ
The next day
found the street nursing a collective hangover , Mrs
Murphy being the sole sober person . It was her soul and that
of her
infant grandchild
which concerned her , so as usual she
had got up and
said her three rosaries before going to early Mass
. In
the afternoon
little Shiela was to
be Christened so Mrs Murphy at least was getting in
the right frame of mind .
Mrs Murphy did stop to light a candle in
front
of Saint Anthony as thanks for help in finding Jaswinda ,
after all wasn't
he the saint
in charge of lost things and
you might call
Jaswinda's
kidnapping a form of being lost , lost from her parents and friends that
is . Fr Shaw had privately offered the Mass up in
thanks for Jaswinda's
safe return , even he
had felt humbled by Mrs Murphy's faith in God .
He
had noticed the lit candle by Saint Anthony's statue and the
nod and smile
Mrs Murphy had given to a poster of Mother Theresa of
Calcutta . So united
in prayer the Mass was celebrated .
When the
Mass was over and Fr. Shaw had taken the vestments off
he walked down the side isle and sat on the bench in front
of Mrs Murphy ,
leaning back he spoke to her .
"Well that was
quite a night . I didn't have as much
fun since the last
ordination I was at " , he said with a smile .
"It was grand ,
I'll agree with you there , BUT you do know that the food
we were "ateing" was for Shiela's Christening do
" , replied Mrs Murphy as
she heaved her bussom indignantly .
"You don't
begrudge Jaswinda and her family that do you ?" asked Fr. Shaw
trying not to smile .
"I do not , I
enjoyed myself too ! It's just that Patrick doesn't seem to
do anything in the right order . I mean he fathered a child before he got
married , now he
eats the food before the Christening "
, sighed Mrs
Murphy .
"You don't mind being a grannie , I mean some women feel that they've got
one foot in the grave now that they are grandmothers " , said
Fr. Shaw
teasingly .
"I do NOT , now that's the best thing Patrick ever did , and June is such
a nice girl . It was almost the will of God them
meeting , fancy it being
her father who lent us that money all them years ago
. Now we
are one
happy family , APART from that mother of hers . I just hope I'm spared
long enough to see
all my grandchildren grow up , I
wouldn't want the
"English Grandmother" to influence them too
much " , she rolled her eyes
at the thought .
Fr Shaw
smiled broadly and tossed his head back ,
stiffling his
laughter out of respect .
Mrs Murphy smiled too , noticing for the
first
time the small piece of paper stuck to Fr. Shaw's neck,
she'd have a laugh
at him too as well as herself .
"Is the work
getting too much for you Father , not trying to
cut your
throat are you " pulling the piece of paper from his
throat and holding it
in front of him .
"Get away out of
that , besides the Samaritans are
ex directory around
here" he replied .
"Well I'd better go home for some breakfast , I'll see you this afternoon
with the "Pagan Grandparents" for the Christening
" said Mrs Murphy as she
gathered herself and her handbag up .
"You could
always try converting them ,I mean their daughter is Catholic
now " , said a deadpan Fr.Shaw .
"And how do I go about that " said Mrs Murphy as
she put her gloves on .
"Well we don't
have a statue like we have one of St.Anthony nor a poster
like the one of Mother Theresa " , Fr.Shaw paused, he
could see Mrs Murphy
blush , she was embarrassed by her shows of faith .
"Don't you dare
tell anybody " whispered Mrs Murphy as she fidgeted with
her bag .
"Anyway " said
Fr.Shaw diplomatically " haven't you heard of St. Jude ,
she likes a challenge , perhaps the "Pagan
Grandparents" would be right up
her street " a smile on his lips .
"St.Jude would be ringing the Samaritans then "
was Mrs Murphy's reply as
she nodded towards
the altar and headed down the isle and
out of the
church .
"Lord grant me faith " , said Fr.Shaw . Then he
smiled, he knew the saints
would soon be bombarded with conversion prayers .
In the
afternoon Mrs Murphy , Patrick and June
and baby
Shiela
arrived for the
christening . The
"English Grandparents" were
there
too , that's to say
June's parents Mr and Mrs Kemp . Mrs Kemp was dressed
to the nines , with a big hat on her head and matching long
gloves .Big
Sid , Mark and Gillian , Percy and Sgt Mulholland and Mathew were also
there , along with Amjit , Balbinda and Jaswinder of course
.
"The Lord Save
Us , if it isn't The Duchess of York
Herself" whispered
Mrs Murphy as she walked up the side isle to the baptismal
font . June had
to look down at the
baby and pretend to wipe its nose to save
collapsing
into giggles .
Patrick just bit his lip , the
pain would stop
him
laughing.
"I'll just go and say hello to "Annette"
" , said Mrs
Murphy before
striding over towards Mrs Kemp .
"She's up to
something " , whispered Patrick .
"I know , but
what ? " answered June from behind her hand .
After a few moments
they found out what . For Mrs
Murphy returned all
smiles , giving a
knowing wink to Patrick and June , well
that's how it
seemed but in fact
the wink was for the baby Jesus in the
Virgin Mary's
arms .
"You know you
were going to call the baby Shiela ,
then have Annette as
the middle name ,
after your mother over there " said a surprizingly coy
Mrs Murphy .
"Yes , we
decided that months ago ," answered a suspicious June .
"Well
"Annette" agrees with me it would be better if the middle name
be
different , I
mean Shiela Annette Murphy is a grand
name , but the child
might think one
grandmother is better than another ,
what with her name
coming second and
that . Now we don't want favouritism
do we . So
"Annette" thought that you could save her name for
the next granddaughter
, which won't be long
in coming , as you are such a loving
couple after
all " continued Mrs Murphy .
Patrick blushed at this
point , June just twinkled , Mrs Murphy was a
terror to be
sure , but it felt alright , well as
far as June
was
concerned . Mrs Kemp saw Patrick blush and whispered to her
husband .
"I bet she's talking about the next doxen grandchildren
, and in a church
too . Well
at least one will be called
"Annette" , and
NOT "Shiela
Annette" , she consoled herself with that thought .
"So what will
the middle name be then ?" enquired a still red Patrick .
"Jude , of
course , " replied Mrs Murphy .
"Jude , of
course , " echoed June while pulling a face at Patrick .
"But she's the
patron saint of " started Patrick .
"Hopeless causes
, " finished June , who had
recently finished a book on
the lives of the saints .
"Well
it nice to see you're becoming a good Catholic ,
" smiled Mrs
Murphy beaming with pride .
"Us converts can teach you old ones a thing or
two , " smiled June .
"But why Jude ,
mom ?" asked a puzzled Patrick .
"Well its a nice name , isn't it ?
" she replied defensively
before
walking towards Fr. Shaw who had emerged from the presbytery
.
"What's she up to ? " said Patrick thinking aloud
.
"Well you are a
bit of a hopeless cause , or so my
mother says " jested
June .
Fr. Shaw smiled when
he heard what Mrs Murphy had to say ,
looking over
towards Mr and Mrs Kemp .
"Did you see
that ? Fr.Shaw looked at mom and
smiled ,
and he said
something too . It looked like" started already" .
"
"I didn't know you were a lip reader . I'll have to
watch out when I swear
at you in future " replied Patrick .
"Well only a bit ,
but what has she" started already" ?
" continued a
an intrigued June .
"We can ask her afterwards , " was Patrick's reply , as he
could see
Fr.Shaw was coughing and opening his prayer book , a sure
sign that Shiela
was about to be baptised .
So with
family and friends looking on , Shiela
Jude Murphy was
baptised , Sgt. Mulholland and Mathew being her Godparents
. Mrs
Kemp
rolled her eyes at the sight , to her it seemed like two "King
Kongs"
standing over a small bundle , which was baby Shiela . Mrs Murphy
would
later explain how only Catholics could be Godparents for
Catholic babies .
Baby Shiela stayed asleep during the service , even when drenched , for
Fr. Shaw a baptism
meant water and lots of it , no dabbing
for him . Yet
the baby slept through it ,
June had taken a tip from Mrs Murphy , namely
a thimblefull of
Irish Whisky in the baby's milk half an hour before the
baptism .
Back at
Mark's cafe the baby's health was
toasted , Mark and
Gillian having stayed
up late to remake the eaten buffet .
Jaswinda was
looking at her future playmate , and trying to work out when
little Shiela
would be bigger Shiela , or big enough to play at any rate .
Outside Amjit
was pacing up and down the pavement in front of the cafe and
barking , he
wanted to be let inside the cafe .
"What on earth's that savage dog trying to do ? " said an alarmed
Mrs
Kemp.
"He's only saying
congradulations , that's all ,
" said a
totally
unperturbed Mrs Murphy .
Who then went to the counter to return with the
scraps .
"Jaswinder
, do you want to feed little Amjit ? " asked Mrs Murphy
,
holding the plate out so Jaswinder could reach .
"Yes , please , " Jaswinder replied then with a
hop and a skip , her one
pigtail bobbing she
dashed out to feed Amjit .
"Is it safe , he might harm her ! " said an
alarmed Mrs Kemp .
"I don't think so ," said a smiling Mrs Murphy .
After an hour of festivities , the people
began to disperse ,
Mrs Kemp was about to leave herself , when she leaned over conspiratorily
and with a glance at Patrick whispered to Mrs Murphy .
"Shiela , it's Patrick's birthday next month and I was
thinking of getting
him a nice watch , as I noticed his old one is a bit worn
out . "
"More like ,
knackered , I'm forever telling him to take it off when he's
humping big loads of
flour and the like , but will he listen
to me ?
"
,replied Mrs Murphy shaking her head .
"Quite , but he's changed since he's married
MY June , so if I was to
buy him a nice watch then perhaps he'll take care of it
? " said Mrs Kemp
trying not to sound condescending , but failing as usual .
"Oh , to be sure
, he's a real man , now that he's married to YOUR June ,
but then isn't he the image of his father , MY dead husband in
heaven
who's no doubt having a drink with the angels to celebrate
his first
grandchild's baptism into THE CHURCH . " ,
smiled back Mrs Murphy as if
butter would not melt in her mouth , while glancing over
with pride at her
own earthly holy family , namely her Patrick and June and
baby Shiela .
"Well , you do
agree with me he needs a new watch , I
mean we don't want
to end up buying him the same thing do we ?" , said Mrs Kemo
, flashing
her best smile .
"Yes , you are
quite right "Annette" , and
can you tell me where you got
those luvly false teeth from ? They are grand altogether ,
or did you just
soak them for a week in Domestos ? " , replied Mrs
Murphy the butter still
not melting in her mouth .
Mr Kemp came to the rescue , and ushered his wife out of the
cafe , giving
a wink to Mrs Murphy ,
behind his wife's back of course ,
he had a sense
of humour after all , but he was not totally stupid though .
"I just hope she
gets him a stretch strap , otherwise he
won't wear the
thing . Mind you the
watch he's got now isn't too bad ,
he's superglued
the glass back in , it could last a while longer . "
mumbled Mrs Murphy as
she watched the Pagan Grandparents go .
"What's
this about a stretch strap ? " asked June as she
placed baby
Shiela in grandma Shiela's arms .
"Annette ,wants to buy your husband a watch for his
birthday next month ."
"He could do
with one , he told me those Russian
one's seem to last him
the longest , the sweat gets in the others he's tried over
the years .
Besides the one he's got now has a horrid picure in green of
a man playing
a lute , the man looks as if he's just came out of a
concentration camp !"
"I've seen that ,
it could frighten little Shiela here
when she gets
older" , said Mrs Murphy as she stroked the baby's nose
.
"I just hope mom
gets a stretch strap , he hates the others they dig into
your skin when you
work , he likes wind up ones too , he said he'd
not
have got his present one if he'd realised it was a battery
one . "
"I'm sure she'll
get a nice one , I mean now there's a
real man in your
family , besides she probably fancies him on the quite .
" said Mrs Murphy
as she played with the baby in her arms .
"You're an absolute terror , you are ! " laughed
June .
"It might be true ,
I was reading it in the Readers Digest at the surgery
when I was at Dr.
Quaringa's for my blood pressure tablets . It said that
some mothers - in - laws have a fixation for there son in
laws . "
"Well I'll have to get my figure back quick , and then
start to seduce him
again !" laughed June .
"You'll soon have a brother for Shiela if you do that
, but at least with
two children to look after , then Patrick would be too busy
to notice your
mother's overtures .
" retorted a deadpan Mrs Murphy before looking up at
June and throwing back her head to cackle like a hen .
Patrick came over to see what was up . The two women in his life
just
looked at him and resumed their laughter with fresh
vigour .
Then his
daughter joined in to .
"The sooner I have
a son , the better , then at
least I'll not be
surrounded by mad women " , said a slightly indignant
Patrick .
June and Mrs Murphy just looked at each other again and
laughed till they
cried . Patrick was bemused , so he repeated his statement .
"The sooner I
have a son the better !
" June wiped the tears from
her eyes , before
kissing him .
"I'll only be too happy to oblige ,
if you can wait a few
weeks " , she
replied as she patted her still swollen stomach
. Patrick
blushed as red as the bottles of ketchup on the tables
, Mrs Murphy just
swelled with pride
and whispered to the bundle in
her arms "
Little
Timothy won't be long in coming , a year at the most .
"
Patrick was still blushing as June kissed him again . Mrs Murphy then got
up and handed the
treasure back to June , before snatching
a kiss
from
Patrick and leaving the cafe , she had other matters to
attend to .....
Mrs Murphy
had walked to the end of the street when , she had to
stop and shake a pebble from her shoes , leaning on a wall
as she did so .
When something cold and wet shoved itself into the back of
her leg she was
naturally frighten for a second . Spinning around she saw
what it was .
"God blast you
, the Devil carry you , Amjit you hairy thing will
you
leave me alone . " She screatched at the innocent dog .
Amjit lowered his head ,
and offered his paw , so they
could shake hands
and be friends again .
It was then than Mrs Murphy noticed her umbrella ,
hadn't she left it in the cafe and Amjit had brought it after
her .
"Sorry , Amjit , but you did frighten me . Here shake
hands . "
They shook hands ,
then with a woof , and what could
easily by mistaken
for a smile Amjit was off his tail high and proud
. He
too had other
business to attend to , if only he could remember where he
had buried that
pig's head that Big Sid had given him , Amjit knew there was another meal
or two left in it , if only he could remember where he'd
left it .
"Thank's again ,
Amjit " shouted Mrs Murphy after the hairy hound . Amjit
stopped to bark again ,
then with a burst of astonishing speed he was off
, he'd probably seen
the Post Office cat and Amjit wanted to talk to that
moggie . It started
to rain , and thanking Amjit with a
"Bless Him" Mrs
Murphy opened her
umbrella . She had hardly opened it
when old
Michael
pulled up in his taxi .
"Do you want a lift , I've earnt my diesel for the day
. "
"Well could you take me to Weatherfield Rd ,the one by
the Rover's Return
past the old clothing factory ? "
"Hop in , but why are you going over that way ? "
"Me and Mrs
Lynch are looking after Mrs Powulska , she's still weak after
her operation , so we
take it in turns to keep an eye on her . Her sister
is coming ower from Poland for a month , she
will be here in a few days
so I've got to tidy the place up a bit . "
"I like the Poles they are a great lot , I was with a lot of them fellas
in the war , they are
sometimes called the Irish of Central Europe , they
have suffered let me
tell you . " said Michael as he
moved up the gears
and sped off .
"Yes they did
suffer , first the Nazis , then the Communists , but they
led the way for Europe to be free , and after all isn't the
Pope himself a
Pole , so you cann't
beat that . " said Mrs Murphy her
voice showing her
passion .
As Mrs
Murphy left the taxi , Michael
who'd just had 10
minutes on the persecution of the Catholic church in Poland
was numbed by
the outpouring .
"Is it really true , they built a church themselves cos
the government built the town without one . And that in Albania they shot
a priest dead for babtising a baby ? "
"Yes " was
Mrs Murphy's simple reply though her eyes betrayed her anger
and passion .
"The Bastards ,
I fought a war for them , what are they afraid of ! "
"The Baby Jesus " mumbled Mrs Murphy as she walked
away .
"Let me know when your Polish friend arrives
, I'll drive you to the
airport " shouted
Michael after Mrs
Murphy . She
just waved in
acknowledgement , her mind was elsewhere .
Mrs Murphy
did the vacuuming , and dusting for 2
hours before
stopping to make cup
of tea for herself and a hot meal for Mrs Powulska .
She proped Mrs Powulska up in bed , before putting a tray
down in front of
her , she watched as a still weak Mrs Powulska ate .
"So which part of Poland , does your sister come from ?
" asked Mrs Murphy
as she sipped her tea .
"Oh the south , a little place , a university place ,
its called Cracou "
Mrs Murphy's cup clattered against the saucer , she put her tea down for
fear of dropping it .
To her it was as if a trumpet had sounded to herald
the entrance of an angel .
"That's where the Pope comes from !" she jabbered
.
"Oh , of course , he babtised my sister's children
. This food really is
good , you could almost be a Pole , Mrs Murphy . "
replied Mrs POwulska as
she ate heartily . Mrs Murphy finished her tea fast , she'd
have to give a
final sheen to things before she went . After all wasn't a friend of the
Pope's coming . She
had seen the Pope in Coventry , sneaked
in with the
handicaped thanks to Fr.
Shaw , but now to meet with a friend of the Pope
, Mrs Murphy hadn't been this excited since her confirmation
.
Mrs Murphy
took it upon herself to meet Mrs Powulska's sister at
the airport . On the drive in Nanska the sister
, told an awe struck Mrs
Murphy all about "Carol" , which was what the Pope
insisted his old school
chums call him , his
reasoning being that's what his mum called him , so
they must call
him that too .
Michael cocked half an
ear to the
conversation , after all it wasn't often that he had a
V.I.P. in the back
of his taxi . Mind
you he had had the odd Lord Mayor or two who did think
that they were important ,
Michael knew from his own experience that the
really important people tended to be the quiet ones , they knew that they
were the guardians of gifts , however bizarre or seemingly useless , yes
the truly important people were the quite ones that was for
sure , ask any
old taxi driver mused Michael as he pulled up outside Mrs
Powulska's .
"Thank's
Michael , come inside for a cuppa , I'm sure Nanska will not
mind . " chirped Mrs Murphy .
"Yes , Shiela is taking the words from me . " continued Nanska who was
now as a sister to Mrs Murphy . The sisterhood of the faith ,
was a bit of
a beneign conspiracy
. A pair
of rosary beeds
and pictures of
grandchildren in a bag and there you had it , instant
sisterhood no matter
what nationality , it
was the mothers that gave birth to faith ,
and it
was meer men that said the Masses . The Pope himself knew that ,
that's
why he insisted on being called Carol by Nanska and
all his old school
friends .
Inside the
tears flowed into the tea , Polish
words and songs
rang out from the
heart to the heart , there in
central England , Mrs
Murphy looked on
, she knew that but for the miracle of
Poland breaking
the chains of Communism ,
this happy scene would never have happened . It
was at times
like these that a good Irish drink was
called for . So
reaching into the bottom of her black bag , she produced
Poteen .
"Will you take some in your "Tay" ? " ,
she said but without awaiting an
answer she was pouring it .
"What is this Poteen ?
" asked a curious Nanska , sitting up straight and
straightening her hugh , black clad bussom .
"Vodka "
was Michael's reply , repeating the word
in Polish , it was one
of the few words of Polish that he could remember
from the
war , the
others words he knew
were certainly not fit for ladies such as these .
So tentatively
sipping at the cup , Nanska tried her
fortified tea .Her
face changed colour then slowly changed back again , rather like
traffic
lights changing ,
only traffic lights don't breathe heavily and fan their
mouths with their hands .
"It's good
" said Nanska with a tear coming down her eye .
"It's fresh
if I'm not mistaken " added Michael who was a bit
of an
authority on these things .
"It was made three weeks ago , Sgt Mulhollands family send it over
"
mumbled Mrs Murphy a tear now coming down her own eye .
So the three ladies
and an old taxi driver got quietly and quickly drunk
, on tea strengthened
with Poteen . Michael even remembered a
whole song
in Polish that he'd learnt . It's wonderful the power of
good alcohol , it
brings back the memories to the old and banishes the cold of
loneliness .
As for the song , it
was as bad or as good as the one Mrs Murphy had sung
at the do for the
childrens's home . The two Polish
women laughed till
they cried ,
Michael sung it even louder and was made repeat it
seven
times , and all the
time he hadn't a clue for the life of him what he was
singing ....
The next day
Mrs Murphy took Nanska on a trip around town to
show
the sights , Mrs
Murphy really liked flashing her bus pass like a police
man , in fact Starsky was her favourite . The two ladies
stopped off for a
cuppa at a little cafe by the bus station . Behind them was a park and a
wood , it reminded Nanska of home .
"I feel at home
here , with these woods , with a friend by my side " ,
she squeezed Mrs Murphy's hand , as she gazed towards the
woods .
" We have woods
like that back home , when I was in service in the hotels
in Killarney I used
to walk in the woods . Its nice to see
something so
tall and strong reach up to the sky and grow . Then you
have the low
branches with their leaves leaning down and touching your
hair . It always
gave me a thrill . " said Mrs Murphy as she followed
Nanska's gaze .
"It was such a
thrill , the soft earth underneath the
trees , the bouncy
ground , the squirrels chattering away and jumping like
acrobats from tree
to tree , the magpies
too , oh it was all so grand , just
think what its
like to be young ." continued Mrs Murphy in bewteen
sips of tea .
"It was the closest we got to sex . " smiled
Nanska
"Yes , I
suppose you are right - then we
realised trees are
more
dependable than men . " laughed Mrs Murphy .
They laughed
together , a shared love of trees , a shared
faith , a
shared hope , they laughed as only the old can laugh , they laughed
at
themselves .
"Come on ,
let's walk in the woods " said Mrs Murphy jumping
up and
nearly knocking the table and chairs over .
A smiling Nanska ,
eagerly joined in this nonsense , oh to be young again
, youth was wasted on
the young , they wasted so much time ,
life is for
living and loving and hoping , not sitting around and saying
" I'm Bored"
all this went through both their heads as they strode
towards the wood .
Not that they actually strode , in their hearts they did , but they
progressed towards the woods arm in arm .....
They must
have been in the woods for a half hour ,
before Mrs
Murphy felt the call of nature . So making hissing noises ,
and gestures ,
she ushered Nanska on
, while she did a country pee . This is
how Mrs
Murphy described crouching behind a tree with her dress held
up about her
head so she could let
nature take its course . It was while
nature took
its course that it happened . A fact of human nature to be prescise
,
greed . Nanska was
mugged . Mrs Murphy heard the screams and came running
, or rather huffing and puffing with her drawers still not
fully pulled up
"What's up ?" she demanded as she rearranged her
underwear .
"A bandit take my bag " was Nanska's reply as
tried to contain her heaving
bussum , such was her shock and heart rate .
Mrs Murphy looked
feverishly around her hoping to see the
mugger , but
there was no chance .
So taking Nanska's hand to comfort her , Mrs Murphy
led Nanska out of the wood .
On the way out they found Nanska's handbag ,
there was a trail of Nanska's poccessions .
"So we are lucky after all " said Mrs Murphy
trying to console Nanska .
"Yes , but he did frighten me , he pushed me to the ground "
replied
Nanska as she crouched about picking up her belongings .
"Bad sest him
, the divil carry him , if ever I catch him , I'd tan his
bare arse ,"
said Mrs Murphy as she struggled about picking
up Nanska's
belongings .
"I have everything now , he must have thrown it down when he
realised my
money was Polish kind
. Sadly I miss the gold cross and
chain that The
Pope gave me . " sighed Nanska .
Mrs Murphy's ears pricked up as she heard this , nobody
, no cheeky
spotty youth was
going to steal from her
friend , she'd
catch this
"person" if it was the last thing she did . Her
head raced with anger , as
the two of them continued out of the wood , towards the bus
station . Now
how would Starsky deal with this she wondered , then she wondered was
St. Anthony the
one for muggings too , after all
she wanting help in
finding that cross
. She was
awakened from her
throughts by the
"Chugg,chugg" of Michael's taxi .
"Jump in ladies
, where to ? " he said quietly , as his head
had not
recovered from the night before .
"You better go
to Mark's , WE have been mugged . " said Mrs Murphy .
At Mark's
, Mrs Murphy and her soul mate , were the life
and
soul of the inquest into the mugging . Concerned looks , and dire threats
of what they'd do to
the culprit were the order of the day . Patrick
his
hands covered in flour came running .
"Are you alright , are you alright ? " he said ,
scouring his mothers face
for signs of harm .
"Of course , I am . Only the spotty faced monster made
me wet my knickers"
"You were that
afraid ? " said a worried looking Patrick .
"Don't be so
soft , you overgrown egyt , I was taking a country pee ,
when I heard the fuss , then in my rush I wet my knickers
." said Mrs
Murphy with a look that said "What kind of idiot have I
for a son " .
"So we've wet
the baby's head last week and now your knickers this
week ! " said Patrick who couldn't resist the chance
of a joke .
"I'm not too old
to tan your bare arse , Patrick !
" snapped Mrs Murphy
before she saw the funny side and started to shriek with
laughter .
"I'm going to
catch that cheeky monkey , I don't mind my knickers getting
wet , it's
just that Nanska a visiter to our
country should not
get
treated like that ,
it ruins the reputation of the place ,
they'll think
we are all totally uncivilised . " Mrs Murphy sounded more than indignant
, she had that look in her eye . Then by way of afterthought
she added
"Besides , the
little bastard stole a cross and chain given to Nanska by
the Pope himself ! "
Patrick knew it was definately a waste of time trying
to persuade his
mother that she hadn't a chance in hell of finding the
mugger . He looked
about the cafe trying to think of something useful to say . Outside Amjit
barked and put his nose to the window .
"Well Amjit can help you , " said Patrick trying
placate his mother .
"Well I'll take him home with me then . "
The next few
days Amjit found himself under house arrest at
Mrs
Murphy's . She was training him with the aid of a hurling
stick and ginger
nut biscuits , if he
had a soul Amjit would have sold it for a ginger nut
biscuit , wasn't Patrick the same only Rolos were his
weakness . Amjit was
a clever dog
already , but Mrs Murphy didn't quite trust him as
he had
ran after a squirrel
while saving Jaswinder . She was an
old woman she
didn't want to be attacked while souring the town for the
mugger .
Amjit
already knew English and a bit of Indian but now the Gaelic
were to be his
command words . Mrs Murphy did not want anybody to know what
was coming .
"Well , you seem
to know your stuff , so we'll go for a walk in the woods
then ."
Walking in
the woods was a joy for Mrs Murphy , a
harsh word
in Gaelic was all that was needed when Amjit started to trot
, having seen
a squirrel ahead .That and the odd ginger nut .She thought
she'd only have
to walk into the woods and then the mugger would come out with his hands
up , but neither life nor love is like that . The first thing that Mrs
Murphy came across
seemed to be a body , she couldn't quite
see so
she
sent Amjit ahead ,
just in case it was dangerous .
Amjit crept ahead and
sniffed at a white rounded thing , his cold nose touched it . There was a
startled scream ,
followed by a girl's laughter .
Amjit had disturbed a
pair of natural
lovers . Mrs Murphy brought up the rear
, averting her
eyes from the naked lovers .
"I'm sorry
if my dog disturbed your husband at
his "Work" ,
" the
laughter in her voice ,
hadn't friends of hers done the same fifty years
ago in the woods of Killarney , in a crowded house a wood can be a thing
of wonder and recreation
if not procreation .
"He's only my boyfriend !" came a laughed reply
from the girl , while the
boy blushed .
"You should only
do that if you know , he'd be a good father to a baby !"
was Mrs Murphy's moral retort her eyes averted still .
"Oh , he will be ,
I want lots of children , we are
just getting some
practice in , " was the final remark before the girl
got the boy to carry
on with a job well done .
Mrs Murphy was going
to say something more but then thought
of Patrick
and June , so she
just laughed and laughed , they were
true lovers just
like her Patrick and June , so what if they were early
starters . And they
wanted lots of kids
, anybody who loved children was ok in
Mrs Murphy's
book .
Further into the wood teenage children were swinging from a
rope tied to a tree .
When they saw Amjit they
scattered , screaming
"Police"
. They had been playing truant
from school , the sight of an
enormous dog had only meant one thing to them -
Police .
It took Mrs
Murphy a while to
realise this . Then she realised she had a new
problem
now , how to make Amjit invisible .
Mrs Murphy
thought long and hard on
how to make
Amjit
invisible , it would be easy if she was Paul Daniels the tv
magician , but
she was just a poor
widow woman , as she insisted to her son
every time
she wanted to extract
a favour . Saint Francis was roped in to
help but
this only gave partial success , what was needed was
something to slow the
hairy beast down
. Mrs Murphy even thought of attaching
the old last to
Amjit's collar , she
ruled this out though , something much
heavier was
needed , something
that would make Amjit slow down and so make
him keep
his distance and so
be invisible . Then while watching the
tv she saw a
blacksmith , a light
went on in her mind , now an anvil would be just the
thing to slow Amjit down .
It was then that Saint Francis spoke up , she
couldn't be so
cruel to a dumb animal especially
after he had
saved
Jaswinder . The picture of Mother Theresa looked down the
wall and said
"have faith ".Mrs Murphy looked at Amjit lying at
her feet like some form
of long haired rug and smiled her own saintly
smile ,
they were only
thoughts , meer
passing pagan clouds . She threw Amjit a ginger nut , the
"rug" awoke and caught it , licked his lips and
wagged his tail ; he liked
her , it amused him
how she threatened him with a hurling stick ,
he let
her think she was in charge , after all he really would sell his soul for
a ginger nut .
The door
bell rang , Saint Francis had sent a
helper , no last
this but a human anvil who would really slow Amjit down , it
was Mathew .
Mrs Murphy smiled
, those saints really loved playing
games with her ,
they could really drive her to distraction , yet they always came through
in the end
, even though if sometimes they puzzled
her despite her
fathomless faith .
"Hello Mathew ,
come in I'll make some fresh tea ,
I've a favour to ask
you " , she said casting a sideways glance at Mother
Theresa on the wall.
The next
day Mathew and Mrs Muphy were on the street ,
a trail
of ginger nuts seperated them . The plan was for Mrs Murphy to call Amjit
and make him advance slowly along the street , picking up the ginger nuts
one by one , Mathew
was the braking device to prevent Amjit wolfing
down
the lot . This did the trick , as Mathew was heavier than any last
or
anvil .
"Follow " commanded Mrs
Murphy from up the street . Fifty
yards away Amjit
eagerly obeyed , why shouldn't he
after all ,
wasn't
there a trail of ginger nuts in front of him , he was only a dog , albeit
a very large and hairy dog , but he wasn't stupid . The
pavement was a bit
wet and slippery after the early rain , and such
was Amjit's pulling
power that if Mathew were wearing skis he could have water
skied along the
pavement , but since Mathew wasn't then that wasn't a
possibility , but it
was a near thing
. Amjit proceeded up the road after Mrs
Murphy licking
his lips all the way ,
now this was fun he thought ,
even if he did have
to drag Mathew after
him . After half an hour the supply of
ginger nuts
was exhausted . Jaswinder came skipping out with a couple of
packets of
ginger nuts ,
her father like everybody else on
the street had
been
watching with interest .
So patting Amjit hello and
goodbye Jaswinder
skipped away , her
mission had been accomplished . Amjit
again followed
Mrs Murphy at a
distance , still weighed down by Mathew
, to be
honest
Amjit was getting bored ,
even though it was his duty to do Mrs
Murphy's
bidding , it would be a shame to waste all those nice ginger
nuts wouldn't
it ? "Now lets
see if he'll do it without the bribe , " yelled Mrs Murphy
to Mathew .
So Amjit followed her at a distance
, almost inventing
pavement water skiing at the same time as he dragged Mathew
along . Amjit
followed three times without reward . "Well he seems to
have leant it then
doesn't he ?
" beamed a happy Mrs Murphy
. Only
to be disappointed
immediately , Mathew had let go of Amjit , so a disgusted Amjit dashed
off. It wasn't fair was it , Amjit had been tricked , he had
obeyed out of
duty hadn't he , the
ginger nuts had nothing to do with it ,
it was the
principle , wasn't it ?
In the cafe
Mrs Murphy had a well earned cuppa while she treated
Mathew to a banana
milk shake . Where had that turncoat
Amjit got to ,
just when she thought he had learnt his lesson .
Amjit too
was having a break , he'd dug up a
favourite bone and
was chewing on it , pondering on the morning's fun as he
sucked the marrow
from his bone . It
was while Amjit was chewing that he had an idea , but
he finished his bone first before he put his idea into
action .
"I've
got an idea Mathew , what if we gradually reduce
the
amount of ginger nuts
, then even that stupid dog will understand
, "
sighed Mrs Murphy , who was tired and feeling her age .
"Like Barbara Woodhouse did on the telly last night do
you mean ? "replied
Mathew as he blew bubbles into his milk shake . Mrs Murphy realised what
an old fool she had been and it was Mathew of all people who
had made her
realise this .
"Come on then ,
I'll try and whistle the devil back to us , " she said as
she leant on the back of a chair to lever herself up .
Outside
Amjit was sitting with his lead in his teeth ,
his tail
was wagging , he was
pleased with himself and the bone he'd just eaten no
doubt . "Your stomach not full enough is it ? "
scolded Mrs Murphy . Amjit
just barked and
skipped in front of her just like a puppy .
"You better
grab him , before the
rascal runs away . " Then in front of them they saw
the fruits of Amjit's chewing the cud or rather chewing his
bone .
Along
the pavement placed
at intervals were fragments of bone !
Amjit thought
Mrs Murphy had
ran out of bribes , so he had
supplied his own
, in
readiness for more fun .
"You'd
teach this grandmother to suck eggs wouldn't you ," she
again scolded , as Amjit jumped about like a very excited
puppy .
"But I thought we were just teaching him to follow you
at a distance , and
how can a dog suck eggs , or do you mean carry eggs like
Police dogs can
do , like I saw on - "
"Barbara Woodhouse last night , " interrupted Mrs Murphy . She looked at
Amjit and then Mathew ,
then she smiled , some would call
them dumb
animals yet both had shown her a thing or two . There was no doubt in her
mind , St.Francis was
making a fool of her . She shook her
head then she
let the laughter out , at her age she had no time nor need of anger
,
laughter was all she wanted , that and to die in her sleep and to convert
the pagan grandparents of course . The shopkeepers who had again
been
keeping half an
eye on proceedings came out to
see what was the cause of
all the laughter ,
Mathew having started off too , a
braying echo of Mrs
Murphy's earthy laugh , Amjit barking for joy too , which
would soon start
off all the dogs in the neighbourhood . A look along the
street to see all
the bones soon
explained things . So the whole
street joined in the
laughter . When sanity returned Amjit proved that he'd
already mastered
the trick of following at a distance . If the truth be know , Amjit
had
worked things out
pretty soon , but he hadn't the heart to
admit it
to
poor Mrs Murphy , besides it was great fun , if she wanted
to leave ginger
nuts along the pavement then he wasn't going to stop her .
After all a dog
was man's and old ladies' best friend .
Mrs Murphy resumed her search of the woods with
her newly
trained Amjit , but to no avail . So she went and had a bun
and a tea from
the cafe in front of the wood . It wasn't fair , she'd spent
all this time
and energy ,not to mention wasted prayers and still no sign
of the mugger.
While Mrs
Murphy was having simple fare , on the
other side
of town Mrs
Annette Kemp was treating herself to
Black Forest Gateau
washed down by real coffee and cream all served by pretty young girls in
uniforms similiar to
those Mrs Murphy had worn fifty years ago
when in
service in the hotels
on the lakes of Killarney . Mrs
Kemp was
pleased
with herself , she'd just bought Patrick his birthday
present , a very
nice Rolex with clasp strap . So pleased was she that she
had the watch on
her table so she could admire it while she had her gateau
and coffee , and
she of course congradulated herself on her good taste , if
only some would
rub off on Patrick .
Then she smiled to herself ,
hadn't he married HER
daughter , so if that
wasn't good taste , then what was ? She
overlooked
the fact that some
of her "friends" would have called
it a "Shotgun
Wedding" ; but
now that SHE was a grandmother those kind of
"friends"
could go to
hell as far as she was concerned ,
in many ways she was
already like the other grannie - Mrs Murphy .
Outside on
the street somebody else was admiring the Rolex , a
spotty faced youth with a skateboard under his arm , a "class war" badge
on his jumper , next to a gold cross held on with a safety
pin . As far as
the spotty youth was concerned here was one of the
enemy , flaunting
wealth , that one
watch would more than pay for a years poll tax , that's
if the spotty youth didn't feel poll tax was immoral . Not that
stealing
was immoral , for that's was what he was about to do .
Mrs Kemp finished her gateau , had a last sip of
her real
coffee , then she put the Rolex away , into a dainty carrier
with Rolex on
it . She floated
outside , with the air of the Queen
Mother about her ,
she was happy and content , it had been a nice morning , a very nice
morning . So
when a sneering spotty faced
youth shouted in her
face
grabbing her precious
cargo she was to taken aback . She just
couldn't
comprehend the
situation , it was like stealing one of
the three gifts
from one of the three kings , or slapping an angel's bum and asking for a
bit of slap and tickle . It happened to other people but
never to you , it
was as likely as a man breaking into the Queen's bedroom .
It just did not
happen . Then Mrs
Kemp's face fell , it had really
happened and to her ,
just as it had happened to the Queen , even the Queen .
"Stop thief
, catch that little BASTARD ," she
screamed . She hailed a
taxi and ordered "Follow that skateboard . " Only
the taxi driver laughed
"It's too late for April Fool's Missus . " This really annoyed Mrs Kemp ,
being called "Missus" , and by a taxi driver . So she ordered him to
take
her to the street , her daughter at least would give her
some sympathy ..
"So you
see the spotty creature grabbed the bag and made off on
his skateboard , I
doubt if he could tell the time , unless it was on one
of those horrid
digital watches , so why on earth
should he steal
a
"Timepiece"
like the Rolex ? " mused Mrs
Kemp to her daughter , as she
sipped her tea in Mark's cafe .
"So Patrick won't be getting his birthday present then
? " said June , who
was holding her mother's twitching hand , the shock only now
sinking in .
"No , he'll have
his watch , no little hoodlum is going
to ruin MY plans
after all , Patrick
is family now . Though you will come
with me to the
shop to buy him another , I wouldn't feel safe on my own
."
June looked at her mother , she suddenly seemed old and
vunerable , the
hard real world had
never dared encroach on Mrs Kemp , and
now there she
was holding June's hand ,
looking vunerable , June was the mother and her
mother was the little frightened child .
"Of course I will ,
but you need not go to the expense ,
after all it is
the thought that counts , " concern in both her eyes
and voice .
Outside there was a screech of brakes ,as three orange VW
vans pulled up .
Out jumped eight Indians in turbans and saffron
coloured robes , long
swords dangling by their sides . Behind the Indians came Mrs
Murphy , like
an honour guard they heralded Mrs Murphy into Mark's cafe .
"Nine teas ,
please , and some cake too , " flashed a pearl white smile .
Mrs Murphy sat down , her boys surrounding her . It was only
then that Mrs
Murphy noticed a
crestfallen Mrs Kemp .
"Are you alright ? You look down today , Annette ,
" Mrs Murphy enquired .
"Mom was mugged , just a while ago ," answered
June .
"Jesus , Mary
and Joseph it's an epidemic . Didn't
somebody have a go at
me , only a few minutes ago ! "
"What , somebody
tried to mug you , dear God , Shiela what's the world
coming to ? " a startled Mrs Kemp replied .
"Oh , I'm ok the mugger just pushed me to the
ground . You see the bus
conducter was in a funny mood so he wouldn't let me take
Amjit on
the
bus , so the poor dog had to walk the two miles
home on his own . Then
what with the dirty bus windows I couldn't see where I was
and got off at
the wrong stop . So this young lad jumped out at me . But luckily my boys
happened to be
passing so they jumped out of their vans
and chased him
down the street . I
think he got the fright of his life , mind you he's a
very fast runner
, he just tucked his skateboard under
his arm and ran
like he'd just seen a
banshee , " Mrs Murphy gave glowing
looks to
her
boys .
"Well , when we
saw Mrs Murphy we were going to give her a lift , as it
was we ended up saving her from God knows what ," said
Amajit the one with
the pearl white smile .
"This is Amajit , and these are his brothers , Bamajit
, Camajit , Damajit
,Hasajit ,Jamajit ,
Nanajit and the little one is Pamajit ,
" said a
proud Mrs Murphy as if they were her own sons , and in fact
she would love
them to be sons of hers .
For they were all fine strong lads ,
only they
were sons of India and not of Kerry .
"And how did you
you get to know such fine young men ,
" asked Mrs Kemp
forgetting her own indignatities , for Amajit had the looks of an Indian
screen idol .
"She stopped me from walking under a bus when I was a
child , so it is my
duty to honour her and treat her as a mother , " said Amajit flashing his
smile straight at Mrs Kemp .
Mrs Kemp very nearly swooned , a
smile like
that had never been given to her , never . Mrs
Murphy winked at June ,
wasn't this proof of
what she had said , Mrs Kemp was after a
toy boy ,
and if Patrick was
unavailable then Amajit would do fine ,
very fine .
June looked at the ceiling and bit her lip , Mrs Murphy was a rogue to be
sure . Amajit his
smiling over , snapped his biscuit in
two , and sipped
his tea . His
brothers forming a kaleidoscopic
imitation of him , as to
the echo they in turn
snapped their biscuits and sipped their
tea , if
there had been music it would have seemed like ballet or
even opera .
"The lads are off to the Temple for a do , these are not
their street
clothes , " answered Mrs Murphy seeing a question form
on Mrs Kemp's lips.
"Speaking of which we must be off , " said Amajit looking at his Rolex ,
his action rippling out to his brothers as they in turn
looked at their
Rolexes . So rising
like a wave , with Amajit its crest the Khan brothers
were off ,
just pausing long enough to nod
at Mrs Murphy ,
and for
Amajit's final smile
to Mrs Kemp . So with a screech and
three puffs of
exhaust , the VW vans
with the Khan's in them disappeared . Though Amajit
would never disappear from Mrs Kemp's mind .
"He's such a nice man , and were they all wearing Rolex watches
? "
wondered Mrs Kemp trying to appear nonchalant . Mrs Murphy
again winked at
June before answering .
"He's a nice lad
, so are his brothers . They are worth a few million now
I suppose . Working sixteen hour days does have its
rewards . They've
just bought the old
pressing works , to expand their clothing business .
They have one sister too ,
but sadly she's a spastic , they love her to
death , they
are building her a bungalow of her own
, next to
their
parents house , so she can be independent . It's nice that ,
they are nice
lads . The youngest boy is having a year off before
he goes to Medical
School , he's going to go to Birmingham because its the best
. "
" I am impressed , " replied Mrs Kemp raising her
eyebrows .
"You'll be impressed more when I catch the mugger ,
" intoned Mrs Murphy .
Two days
later Mrs Murphy had dragged a reluctant Nanska
to the
woods , not in a last ditch hope to catch the mugger , they
would be
more likely to uncover a teddybears' picnic than that , no , to quell any
lasting fears Nanska may hold for woods . They were of course accompanied
by Amjit ,
whose presence would strike fear into The
Hound of the
Baskerville's , Mrs Murphy had more than prayers to be her
guide .
"I'm very sorry
we haven't been able to catch that mugger ,it
really is
such a disappointment to me . Three old woman all attacked by one spotty
youth . I don't mind
it happening to me , nor do I miss the fancy watch
that my son's
mother-in-law lost , its just that you a
guest in our
country , and not to mentiopn a friend of the Pope's should
not be treated
like this , " said Mrs Murphy shaking her head
, as if it were all her
fault .
"You do your best Shiela , he have the luck of the Devil , and he run so
fast as you tell me
, " replied Nanska placing a
consoling hand on Mrs
Murphy's .
They carried on walking through the trees , the veins
in the leaves
looking like
outstretched hands , begging hands
, just as Mrs Murphy's
heart was begging the saints to help her and her Polish
soulmate . Amjit
stopped and sniffed the wind . The woman looked , ahead of them
a man
was relieving himself against a tree , Amjit began to growl softly , that
was one of his favourite trees , he'd often marked it , what was a
mere
man doing to his tree . Mrs Murphy was on the point of scolding
Amjit when
she noticed first the man's arm . He was far away , but she'd seen eight
Rolexes the other day and to be sure that was a nineth
. Then Nanska
pointed , wasn't
there a skateboard propped against the tree
. Amjit's
growls errupted into
one bark ,this made the man turn to see
where the
sound came from . It was the worst thing he could have done
.
"Bandit , " screamed Nanska slightly shocked at
seeing the mugger again .
"He'll be
wetting his knickers now , " shouted
a delighted Mrs Murphy .
Before she could shout "Skither his Arse" Amjit
was off , he knew that man
wasn't nice , how
could he be , he'd used his tree , and he wasn't even a
nice bitch , just a
mere man . Amjit howled , the birds scattered , the
squirrels raced up trees , the mugger peed on his own leg ,
caught himself
on his zip , and then ran like a bat out of hell . Only it
would be no use
for a hound of hell
was on his tail , no longer the creeping
, the slow
the steady Amjit as
bribed by ginger nuts , but the hound of
hell ,
or
rather God's Animal making a good impersonation of a Hell's
Angel . As the
mugger ran he could hear a jangling , this was Amjit's name tag , his our
lady of Lourdes medal and his Indian holy man medal , it formed a kind of
clanging or bell ring
, and for whom did the bell toll , the mugger
of
course . It
was while the mugger was running for his
life that he
interrupted the young couple , tha naked lovers who used the
wood to
create life , in fact he fell over them . Seconds later Amjit placed a
cold nose on a bare bum , it was his way of asking which way
did he go .
Without bothered to
pause ,
a finger pointed the way , Amjit
sped off
barking his thanks .
Amjit was beginning to think what a good runner this
mere man was , then
he caught up with him . So teeth first Amjit said his
hellos .
"We better try and catch up with him then , " said
Mrs Murphy .
"Do you think your dog is fast enough ? " pondered
Nanska .
A scream rang out through the woods , as if answering
Nanska'a doubts , it
was followed by
excited barking . The ladies looked at
one another and
laughed . So
picking up the discarded skateboard they
made their way
though the woods
towards the source of the screams . On
their way they
came across the naked
lovers . Mrs Murphy averting her eyes
dropped her
son's business card beside them saying
"If you need a flat give my son a
ring . "
Her son's flat above the bakery had been empty since he built
his house , so to save the lovers from catching cold she
left the card .
Meanwhile
Amjit had let his quarry go , not so he
could spit the
taste out before
biting the mugger again , but more because it was fun to
let him go .Then he'd have to catch him again ,first Amjit
ran away before
reappearing teeth first , rather like a toothpaste
commercial , only one
with much more bite . The mugger was cowering on the ground
squeezed into
a ball when Mrs Murphy and Nanska arrived .
"Amjit leave him
be . As for you young man stand up
! "
commanded Mrs
Murphy , having the full authority of Amjit's teeth at her
command .
The man stood , he
looked scared , not to mention tattered and bleeding ,
Amjit had enjoyed his blood sport .
"You can take
off that watch for starters , and empty
your pockets , "
continued Mrs Murphy .
In the woods behind them ,the lovers now clothed watched the
proceedings ,
it appeared very strange .
Two old ladies and a very big dog making a man
strip . For Mrs Murphy decided he might be hiding something
so she had the
spotty man strip to his underpants , she was sure Starsky would have done
the same thing , so it must be right . While the man
shivered , Mrs Murphy
searched the clothes
. After a while she got up
from her crouching
position , in her hand she held a cross , Nanska's cross .
"The one Carol give me , you are a detective Mrs Murphy ," beamed
a
grateful Nanska .
Amjit barked his praise too , his tail moving like a
windmill in a storm .
Mrs Murphy then turned her attention to the mugger . Behind in the
trees
the lovers edged forward , they could sense the coming storm
.
"So you think you're a bigshot attacking old ladies
, and WIDOWS like me
and honoured visitors to our country do you ? " blasted
Mrs Murphy .
"Well don't
think you're too old to have your bare arse spanked , "
she
continued with her Kerry accent getting stronger by the
second .
"Turn around
then drop your pants mister , " she
was trying to sound as
hard as Starsky . She
was getting worked up now , in fact she dropped her
handbag , the
contents spilt everywhere . While
she gathered up the
contents of her bag
the mugger dropped his pants , he'd
never live this
down . But worse was
yet to come , for amongst the spilt
contents of Mrs
Murphy's handbag was superglue , used to fix her favourite beeds . In a
second a wicked idea
was formed in Mrs Murphy's mind .
She grabbed the
skateboard , squirted the glue onto it , then used it to
spank the mugger.
Only one spank , then
while Amjit barked his approval she held the
board
to the muggers behind .
"There you are ,
now see how dignified you feel ,
about the same as your
victims who you leave sprawled about ! " screeched a triumphant Mrs
Murphy as she took her hands from the skateboard , which remained stuck
to the mugger's
behind . Nanska was silent for a second
before bursting
out laughing , the old ladies hugged each other as they
continued laughing
till tears formed in their eyes .As for Amjit he saw a
friend ,another dog
that is to say ,
so with a bark of farewell he ran off to
play . The
mugger made his retreat , with the old ladies laughing him
farewell .
When the
laughing was over the ladies continued walking
out of
the woods , the lovers broke cover to run after them .
"Excuse me , but
this card you gave us you weren't playing
a joke or
something were you ? " asked the girl .
"Not at all , in fact we are going back that way now ,
so if you come with
us on the bus you can
see my son about it ? " relied Mrs
Murphy as the
last trace of her laughter faded , leaving just slightly
curled up lips as
evidence of her revenge in the woods .
"My car is parked by the bus station , we'll give you a lift . By the way
we saw what you did to that man , it was very funny , "
said the man .
"Bad cest him ,
he was a mugger , I don't think
he'll be mugging old
ladies anymore , " said an indignant Mrs Murphy .
Back on the
street in Mark's cafe Mrs Murphy held court , telling
and retelling the story .
Everybody thought she was right to
turn the
tables . When Patrick and June came in Mrs Murphy held up
the Rolex before
throwing it at her son .
"There's your
birthday present from your mother-in-law ,
I retrieved it
from the mugger ,
Amjit helped of course , mind you
he's gone off after
some lady dog now . "
"It's nice ,
very nice , pity its not a
stretch strap though , "
said
Patrick as he examined the Rolex .
"Well as it happens
I stopped off at Jimmy's , so here's my
present for
you , " Patrick's mum then threw a stretch stap at him
.
"Thank's mum
, you were always practical , though it used to be boiled
sweets you threw at me . "
"Oh June come
here I've a favour to ask ? "
continued Mrs Murphy still
basking in the
afterglow of fame . The two then
confered , before June
looked at Liz and Keith before laughing , then with a nod of
her head June
consented to Mrs Murphy's idea .June edged up to Patrick and gave him a
lingering kiss on the lips ,
making him blush , he hated being
kissed in
public . He knew June was up to something , but what was it
?
"Patrick I have decided , or rather we have decided
" she began .
"You and me ? Decided what ? " interrupted Patrick
.
"Me and your mother ,
that we , " continued June
, pausing to
plant
another smacker on his lips . Patrick blushed again , and looked at
the
floor in an effort to hide those blushes from all in the cafe
.
"To finish ,we , and this time I mean you and me are
going to rent out the
old flat to Liz and
Keith over there , " she kissed her
husband again to
press home her point .
"I suppose it is a waste to let it go empty , "
observed Patrick trying to
appear in charge of the situation .
"Yes it would be .
Besides we don't want Liz and Keith to catch a cold ,
oh and by the way I think we should have a walk in the woods
next month ."
Patrick could see the
glint in her eye , he did not understand
but June
was good at explaining ......
I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS. ITS SNOWING OUTSIDE SO WHY NOT CUDDLE UP TO THE COMPUTER AND READ THIS.
BY THE WAY I HAD JULIE WALTERS IN MIND WHEN I WROTE THIS AND WHEN I WROTE The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker
JULIE WALTERS IS NOW THE RIGHT AGE FOR THE PART OF
MRS MURPHY.
p.s. If you have something better than a computer to cuddle up to, then cuddle that or he or she.
