Vote for me, I'm Bob!

Vote for me, I’m Bob! ©

By Michael Casey

Yes vote for me I’m Bob! I worked my way up from the gutter now I have a mansion. So if you vote for me then you’ll have a mansion too.     I have a beautiful wife and 3 adorable children, one of each, ok one is gay, but if you say that’s because I’m a bad father or there is something wrong in my downstairs department, then you might not wake up.

Johnnie and the boys might just pay you a visit, after they’ve collected the protection money. You’ll have to join a ladies choir after they finish with you. Johnnie is very loyal, very loyal, I saved his life, I said he could be my loyal lieutenant or I’d put explosives in his pants, literally.

After that he’s been better than a brother to me, gives me cakes on my birthday, he bakes them himself if you know what I mean. But he’s like a best friend to my gay son Julian, so with a lieutenant like that and a best friend for Julian we are close, very close. But don’t be casting aspersions on the size of my hands, or he’ll come around and set fire to your house, and your neighbours too, he does enjoy his work.

I started as an embalmer and mortician, but I knew it was a dead end job, though that’s where I met my Lady, my Nancy. She was the receptionist at the Funeral House, the Sleeping Oaks Funeral Home Inc. We made out in a deluxe coffin, she appreciated the size of my hands if you know what I mean, though the lid came down and we nearly suffocated inside. Though the sexual high was unbelievable, you don’t know you’ve have sex until  you’ve nearly died in a coffin. Perhaps that Harry Potter girl should forget her website and just date a mortician.

Nancy got pregnant fast, from death to birth, poetic don’t you think? I decided we needed to make so money fast. So I started to street race using a hearse, those cars are always looked after, and never do much mileage. So it was obvious, and I won prizes and bets on the side, so soon we had enough for a down payment on a house.

I had learnt a bit about cars so I left the funeral home and started a garage fixing up off road racing cars, I was good at that, and I still did a bit of racing and betting on the side. Obviously I could make cars have accidents for the right price, so soon the money came rolling in.

I got asked to fix up a car for a bank job, I said I’d only do it if I could be the driver, I was proud of my work after all. So I became a getaway driver, I was very good at it. We did several jobs and I repainted the car after every job. We did 17 maybe, and my stash was in the mattress. Sex on a mattress full of 100 dollar bills, is good, in God We Trust, and all that. Not as good as in a deluxe coffin with the lid stuck, but you’re not worried by any unplanned pregnancy, you have a child trust fund in the mattress after all.

Nobody’s luck lasted and on our 23 job, the FBI were waiting, they waited for us to put all the money in the car before they pounced. There were 4 of us, 5 if you count me waiting in the car when they FBI screamed at us over the loudspeaker. Stop, hands up and exit the car. We all blamed each other, this was big hit $2,000,000 in cash and now we’d be going to jail forever.

So I waited for the others to get out and then I floored it, my 4 buddies all got mown down in the crossfire, dead as dead can be. But I could recommend a good funeral home. I looked up at the Madonna on the dashboard and swore I’d never be a getaway driver again if she helped me. At that very same moment a tornado hit, it’d been brewing now it hit. So I got away.

I ditched the car, but kept the money. I set fire to it in fact, and pushed it into a lake afterwards. I called a taxi, it was Johnnie driving, that’s how we first met. I decided to open a taxi firm, Johnnie looked after it for me. I opened a bakery and a general store, and a little motel. A hairdressers too, Nancy always liked her hair to look good, so if we owned a salon she’d never need to wait.

I knew the Madonna had to be taken care of too so I started doing good works and I even decided to join the Republic Party. For no other reason that I liked the colour Red. My business empire expanded and I bought a book shop, reading was important wasn’t it? I made sure that Michael Casey’s books were always in stock, I never read any of them, but having a Birmingham England writer’s books made our store more exotic.

All I needed now was a mistress, so Mandy from our hairdressers was available, and sex in a hairdresser’s chair is something else, not as good as a rocking chair, or in a deluxe coffin, but still very good. My life was coming up roses. So I bought a pharmacy too, just to make sure my mistress Mandy didn’t give me parallel parenthood.

So that’s about all I can say for now, I have to write a speech for the Caucus, I’ve met this pretty little thing called Brandy, she’s so full of vigour and she’s an English Major at the University. She studying at the building I funded, I am a respectable member of the community after all.

We hit it off straight away, she helped me with my research, and one thing led to another. We nearly knocked over a few shelves of books, but I do believe in turning over a new leaf or leaves if you know what I mean. It’s a hard life in Politics.