Fairy Liquid and All That

Fairy Liquid and All That ©

By Michael Casey

As we all know Fairy Liquid is the best washing up liquid, that’s why my wife insists I buy it for her. Yes I do the washing up, or I used to until she decided  I was useless, I did not rinse properly, and the rinse is the important bit, she does have a chemistry degree after all. So as I love her so much I went to Iceland to buy Fairy Liquid for her, even though she didn’t give me the money for the Fairy Liquid, it was an act of Love buying the Fairy Liquid.

Then I noticed the price so I was tempted to try another brand, much much cheaper, so I was tempted, a bit like seeing a kebab and wolfing it down, even though I’ve given up meat since  after my operation in Jan 2015. So I gave into temptation and bought the cheap washing up liquid, I got 4 bottles for the same price as one big bottle of Fairy Liquid. You can see why I was tempted, please don’t judge me, I know it was wrong, but it was a big big temptation, 4 for the price of one. It was like what happens at a Christmas party, TEMPTATION.

So I went home guilt but defiant. When I got home I squeezed the green coloured washing up liquid into the Lemon Fairy Liquid bottle which was still on the kitchen sink. Only Totoro our cat witnessed my crime, and she wouldn’t tell, but to be on the safe side I bribed her with some chicken from the fridge. One whole bottle of the cheap stuff was squeezed into the Lemon Fairy Liquid bottle, then about 3/4s of the 2^nd bottle of the cheap stuff, I was triumphant.

So what to do with the other 2 bottles of the cheap stuff? I decided to hide them under the sink in the old metal bread bin that I had brought from my family home when I bought my own house. Then I had 2^nd thoughts, what if I was found out by my Shanghai wife, a Shanghai girl is known for 3 things, her beauty, her intelligence and her NAGGING. So I quickly removed the cheap stuff from under the sink, and decided to hide it in plain sight, I’d squeeze it into the hand wash and my anti dandruff shampoo. Then quickly as if my wife was in the next room I took the evidence outside and put the 4 empty plastic bottles at the very bottom of the recycle bin.

For five days my wife did not realise what had happened, she is a very busy woman after all, what with her career. I did let the cat out of the bag and explained it to my children, Totoro our cat miaowed that I had bribed her, such a traitor, my girls just laughed. We had hidden the fact that I’d bought my smaller daughter a new Zara coat from my wife before, it looked exactly like the one grannie in Shanghai had bought her, but was a much better fit. It took my wife 6 months before she discovered my subterfuge. But Fairy Liquid was sacrosanct to her.

Each day when the dishes were washed my daughters stifled their laugher and Totoro had to be bribed too, 3 girls could they be trusted not to spill the beans. Then finally tonight my wife noticed that the hand wash and the washing up liquid  were the same colour, both a pale imitation of the real thing, not Coca Cola but it was not Fairy Liquid either. It was just too much for me so I burst out laughing, with my daughters joining in, I’m sure Totoro was laughing too. I laughed so much that it hurt, my chest scar does still hurt 9 months after my operation.

I also warned them all not to use my shampoo, or they would be using cheap hand wash on their hair. They all screamed in terror, girls are very sensitive about what goes into their hair. It would be revenge for all the times they had stolen my shampoo, speaking of which the Aldi Tea Tree shampoo is really good, and its cheap. My wife chided me, her stupid and clever husband, but if I was so stupid what did that make her?

I left the house still laughing till it hurt, I promised to buy her some real Fairy Liquid, if I was quick Iceland would still be open. She promised to use the other rubbish first, but she longed for her Fairy Liquid. I know she’d make me use the rubbish washing up liquid on my hair, but I don’t care, I’m a real man, and real men don’t do use Fairy Liquid, because they are banned from washing up as they cannot wash up properly!