The Cat with Two Birthdays

The Cat with Two Birthdays ©

By Michael Casey

It was Totoro’s Birthday yesterday, my small daughter told us Totoro would be One so it must be true, the cat couldn’t speak for itself after all. Totoro was born around the corner, one of a litter of four, I was shown a picture and it was me who picked him out. I had said jokingly that they could have a pet, if I died they could have a dog and if I had a heart attack they could have a cat. So immediately my 2 daughters went on the Internet looking for both cats and dogs. I just laughed.

Then a few short weeks later while still in the Christmas Season I had an unplanned quadruple heart bypass, the decorations were still up on D5 in City Hospital, this was in Jan 2015. My bed was right next to where my dad was when he had his near fatal heart attack, it’s all in Padre Pio and Me. I said don’t tell me anything to the doctors, so they just told me it was a triple, then 6 months later I discovered it was a quadruple. There were also 3 Michael Casey’s in the hospital at the same time, or was it 4?

So I came out of the QE, as they did the actual op there after I’d been transferred from the City Hospital. I had an Indian surgeon and an Italian Prof look after me, while I read Don Camillo prior to  O day. But what about the cat? The girls held me to my promise, and as my daughters friend was having kittens we were pencilled in to have one.

So I said a male cat was easier to deal with, no stray kittens etc. Then I picked out the male cat to join our family. A cat box was bought so they  could carry the kitten home. A cat basket made of wicker was bought too, not forgetting a litter tray and cat litter. So everything was sorted. You just have to grab the kitten and place it in the litter tray whenever it started to pee or pooh. You have to be quick, very quick, it’s easier with a baby as they have nappies. And why do cats always choose up a corner amongst all the wires of the tv?

Our Totoro, is named after the cat from Studio Ghibli if you were wondering, but my girls are ½ Chinese/Shanghai so its natural the cat should have a Eastern/ Japanese name.  Totoro also had another trick up his sleeve, Totoro was not a boy, he was a she. Totoro has six nipples, which proves he is in fact a she. This does not really matter, but to be on the safe side Totoro had to be done if you know what I mean.

A cat is a great thing, they have personalities, our Totoro even likes to play the piano, and if 25^th March really was his or should I say her Birthday then she shared it with Elton John. Though Totoro just jumps all over the piano, and is not as musical as Elton John, not unless you really are a very harsh music critic from Melody Maker.

Today Holy Saturday we had a text from Totoro’s human mother saying happy 1^st Birthday, and don’t forget your 3 siblings. So we had to sing Happy Birthday Totoro all over again. Totoro just took it all in her stride, which is very quick as she gallops all over the house upstairs and downstairs and in my lady’s chamber or her own litter tray.

We have a stockpile of Whiskers under the kitchen table, as Ocado will deliver it for you, I tried moving some and hurt myself in doing so.  Don’t move heavy things after heart surgery, even after 15 months as it really hurts. But I’ve learnt the hard way.

Let There Be Light ©

By Michael Casey

Let my tears be my words

Let the candle light be my eyes

Let the flowers in bloom be my lips

Let their scent be my blood

Let the wind be my breath

Let clouds be my mood

Let children's laughter be my hope

Let widows' sighs be my conscience

Let a stranger's prayers be my delight

Let the bees be my wisdom

Let the trees be my strength

Let my patience reach to the stars

Let me be always remembered in your prayers

Political Statements v Fashion Statements

Political Statements v Fashion Statements ©

By Michael Casey

Well what a week we are having in Politics, it’s been an interest of mine since I watched Robin Day with my dad on tv, nearly 50 years ago now, where have all the years gone? We’ve also had news about Posh Spice being bailed out by Beckham, which is the more important you can decide for yourself, if you are female no doubt the size of IDS’s lapels is of extra ordinary importance, it makes your eyes water just thinking about them. The size of somebody’s lapels may or may not be connected to the size of their majority, or hands, if you know what Trump is on about.

In England people, or rather politicians say something without saying something, or even anything. Then they go on political interview shows to say the same thing over and over again, without even saying anything at all. They never want to be nailed down to say anything just in case they cannot deny it in the Future. On Fox news in the USA they’ll say he’s a SOB, but in the quaint nice way Southerns  say things, I do have a soft spot for the Country and Western way they speak.

As for Fashion, everything is a statement, it screams and shouts, and lets it all out, especially now that we have FAT models, though they are too pretentious to say FAT models, and yes I am still livid because I was not chosen to be one.

Once Fashion has gotten over its fixation with Black, which is just a ruse to hide FAT, then it IS much more interesting. Some of the Fashion really are works of Art, there was a show on tv that explained it all to me, and yes I was converted, I think it was Karl Lagerfeld who has the different coloured gloves from when he is working to his normal day wear. My own daughter wears her old horrid glasses when she is studying and her fancier ones when she is trying to look fashionable, the frames she stole from me, but that’s another story. Judging by the scores she gets, the method really does work.

So we have the idea of bright and brash fashion, and the dull politics we have here in England, though if you are a Politics Nerd then this weekend is like 4^th July, or should I say Bonfire Night 5^th November. So what if  Karl Lagerfeld got his hands on our Politicians.

Cameron is wearing a pair of clowns  shoes and a see-through shirt split to the navel to display his six pack, with skin tight trousers to display his plump derriere, with a blue, very bright blue Bolero jacket, he is a Tory after all and blue is his colour. His hair is in a Mohican style, with all the colours of the rainbow sprayed on, we are all in this together after all, the colours represent all the strands of society.

Jezza Corbyn has been first dipped in sheep dip,  Karl Lagerfeld refused to touch him without that first being done. Jezza Corbyn has had his beard dyed and clipped, he looks like Van Dyke now, not Dick Van Dyke with a fake London accent, but the painter. He has a designer T shirt, with a hand painted design on it, “Winner”, what that really means Karl Lagerfeld refuses to say, and he’s not the kind of person you annoy by asking such questions to. Jezza has  red cords on, he stubbornly insisted on these, so Karl Lagerfeld has hand painted windmills all over them with the Haywain stamped on both back pockets.

As for the Scots Nats, they are all wearing Manchester United shirts, which may or may not have anything to do with football, or it could mean they are sulking and taking the ball back home with them.  On their trousers is a graph of oil prices, it ends in the turn-ups, with the word Black Hole hand painted on.

All in all quite a fashion show, our clothes define us, and hint to what we really are. As for me, you have all seen my photo attached to my pieces of writing, not just vanity but I hope you like seeing just who wrote this or that, nearly 720 pieces now, not forgetting the 600 comedy drama novel too. So I said to Karl, and yes I do call him Karl Get The Lagers In, and he does give me a pint of Stella Artois, he just drinks Perrier water by the pint, so I said Karl how about dressing me.

When Karl stopped laughing he changed his gloves, not to his work gloves or any of his exotic pairs, he put a pair of sterile surgery gloves on. Three hours later he said I could open my eyes, you are dressed better than an Emperor he intoned.  I looked into the huge mirror, and indeed I was dressed in the Emperor’s New Clothes, I was naked, but spray painted in gold.

Michael Model Casey

Michael Model Casey ©

By Michael Casey

If you saw the piece in the DT and probably other agencies, then you'll be as outraged as me, giving HIM a modeling contract BEFORE me. I'm so angry I think I'll call David Walliams and we'll go camping together, just to let off steam, and it would be steam in my case as I do sweat a lot. David Walliams would just do a cross channel swim to cool off, he's done that before you know, he never gets cross, just goes for a swim. Its Saint Patrick's Day today and me having Irish blood and THEY gave this tall bearded guy a chance before me.

I could do a jig I'm so livid, I could even dance in the street, and I've even done that before at Puck Fair in Killorglin, I said Puck Fair, you lot should have your ears cleaned. It said the new model, whatever his name is, has a 42inch waist, that's practically anorexic, if you really want a BIG man with a great derriere then they should give ME, the modeling position. I was almost in Zoolander2 you know, but I won't COMPLAIN about the inadequacies of the casting director, MORON.

So here I am a son of a son of Kerry, a blacksmith's son no less, and what do they do on Saint Patrick's Day of all days, they give an anorexic beaver a modeling contract instead of me. If I wasn't waiting for a delivery of Whiskas Cat food from Ocado, for our pussy Totoro I'd head for the pub to drown my sorrows. You can get a pint of extra sugar Ribena and a packet of crisps for 99p at our  local, please visit our church or it'll close down church cafe, so obviously I go there for their Jamie Oliver Special, as they call it, a 3000 calorie sandwich with extra sprinkled sugar on it.

I'm fit to cry, or fit for nothing, but I can complain to the world and the internet, why oh why didn't they choose me to be the new sexy male model. Have to go now, I can hear splashing, its David Walliams he's just swum the English Channel again, still wearing his flip flops. Oh I've forgot I've attached my File Photo.

Touched by the News

Touched by The News (c)
By Michael Casey

As you all may know I am a news junkie, I love my BBC and Sky and a bit of arguing Fox, they always seem to be arguing on Fox, if I were Rupert Murdoch I’d go in the newsroom and slap the backs of their bare legs with a ruler. That’s when he gets back from his Honeymoon, Lune de Miel is the French for it, I only just remembered that so I thought I’d throw it in. Rupert and Jerry is a name for an ice-cream you get at a pizza place I believe, it’s also a feel good news story. So God Bless both of them, and don’t forget to buy a decent wooden ruler ready for when you get back to USA.

Today Friday 11th March we had Nancy Reagan’s funeral in California, that was sad but nice too, nice because it looks like such a great Love they had between them. So we remember the Love they shared and indirectly USA shared too, so that is worth remembering too. I think her son said there may be a ghost in Chanel at the Library in future that is such a nice way to remember your mum. My own mum is dead 20 years soon, she never wore Chanel and wouldn’t even know what it was, something to do with the English Channel perhaps, but a mother loved just as much as much as Nancy was.

So we hear items on the news and we are touched by them, it’s the news editor’s job to pick the best for us. Puppy stories and long lost relatives meeting after years of separation, or babies lost and found. Though you can have unexpected endings. In today’s news a child separated for 18 years, but then deciding to stay with the “mum” who raised her, so the real mum is devastated. Personally speaking if I was raised by somebody then they are my parent I’d never want to go on a quest for biological parents. It’s an insult to those who did raise you, and it’ll always end in tears.

 So as its getting late I’ll have to finish soon, I can report my own news, I had my first pint in 15 months. A pint of Stella Artois, what else did you think it would be? It tasted great and went straight to my head, it may be 15 months before I have another, it did feel good for 3 hours, but it was nice being normal again. Though with all the heart pills, it’s a very very special treat. It would be nice to dream of having just one more pint of Stella Artois to celebrate Rupert Murdoch giving me a slot in one of his papers, but he’ll probably sent me a ruler in a brown paper envelope, with a message “measure your own column.”