My day so far

My day so far. I've had 2 cups of green tea because its good for me, but it tastes horrible, we opened a box of chocolates we got for free so that helps take away the bad taste in my mouth. After the tea is drunk I break open the tea bag and  scatter the tea into a handy flower pot. Tea is supposed to be good for plants, at least they don't have a tongue so they won't notice the horrible taste of green tea. My wife said I shouldn't add sugar or milk as it will negate the good effects. I did give up sugar in 1977 and I switched to semi skimmed milk in 1986 when I got my house,  my attempt at healthy living. But green tea straight, yuck but it is supposed to be so healthy. What else have I done? Went to Mass, as I've said before our priest looks a bit like Topol and has a great voice. I checked the results for my post on What makes a man sexy to a woman. I write a piece on my site then I repost it to FB, in the hope of gaining readers, 5, 10 any number will do. I also put it on Funny or Die, this lastest one has got 235 at 100% funny in two days. If only those 235 went to Amazon and bought a few books.What else am I doing, searching for some Esol work, and fending off the wife as she searches my pockets for my wallet so she can go to Costco to buy toilet paper, 48 rolls, and other exciting stuff. Its sunny outside now so I may go sit in the garden and pretend I'm in the South Of France having sold millions of books, well in my dreams anyway. I have been dreaming about Tears For A Butcher my 6th book as I work here on the computer. So I hope your days are as productive

What Makes a Man Sexy to a Woman

What Makes a Man Sexy to a Woman(C) By Michael Casey

I have all my albums loaded to the computer so that while I work I can listen to the albums, over 1600 tracks, I let the music role and I didn't know Michael Bolton was next. So when he popped up I thought HE was a woman's favourite, but anybody can listen too. I did get me thinking though.

Is it his hairy chest, is he tall dark and handsome, or is it the way he moves, the way he grooves, is it his smouldering eyes? Women as you read this tell me what YOU think.

And what of me? Am I sexy? Is it my hairy back and my hairy arms, my bushy eyebrows, does all this make women swoon? Is it my big chest and my even bigger belly. Is it my hazel eyes, Chinese folk have brown eyes, so my eyes are a novelty to them. Is it the British accent, does it sent a shiver down the spines of women. Michael Bolton is singing "back on my feet again" as I talk to you. Do I knock women off their feet. And not because of my smelly feet, which I inherited from my dad, a father of six, and those smelly feet have passed to the next generation, to my Birmingham/Shanghai children.

Is it something in the way I move, something in the way I pucker my lips, is it the way I look into women's eyes, and men's too. Do I have charisma like a pop star, or politician, and I a god.

Or is it that when women see me I remind them of Scruffy their first dog, the slobbering fat and drooling puppy who left puddles everywhere, the dog who wagged his tail when they were a mile away, but Scruffy knew their master was on the way, so Scruffy jumped and jumped and scrapped at the back home.

No I'm no sex god, I'm just a hound dog, chewing on blue shoes.

Fat People Don't Get Fat

Fat People Don’t Get Fat ©

By Michael Casey

My daughters were out with their aunty and they visited their uncle 10miles away and even saw their honorary extra grandpa, so all in all they saw 3 strands of the family, no 4  I forgot they met their cousin too. When they got home I asked them how everybody was and how did they look. Its sometimes like getting blood from a stone trying to get young kids to explain what happened. So when my daughter said they had changed I said I wouldn’t change because “fat people don’t get fat”, what I meant to say was that as I was fat I wouldn’t show any wrinkles. But it got me thinking.

“I’m not fat I have big bones.” “I don’t eat much, it just goes straight to my bum or my boobs.”  “My thighs are a law unto themselves.” As for me what do I say? “17.5 stones or 112kilos is just right for me, but I do look 40pounds or 20kilos lighter than I am, I’m tight fat not wobbly fat.”

A fat aunt is always a good thing, a friendly thing, we had one when we grew up she was the kindest and funniest women you’d meet in your life. She could do anything and best of all she knew how to feed you. One Christmas back in 1977 I put on a stone in 2 weeks, I’d visit 3 families every day and get fed every time.  I have 40 first cousins. Their kindness cannot be exaggerated, so I’ll blame them for making me fat, mind you everybody always blames everybody else, instead of looking in the mirror and accepting responsibility.

Walking is great exercise and I did 2 five mile walks last week alone, and if I go to the shops often I can pile on the miles, the pity is I can buy food and pile on the pounds too. BMI or Body Mass Index tells us just how bad our height to weight ratio is, though I take it with a pinch of salt say I’m 5’10 I should have X BMI, but I have a chest size of 46, so does somebody with a chest of 38 have the same BMI if everything else is equal. A friend who is medically qualified told me the BMI is a bit disgraced nowadays, and life insurance companies also are more flexible over BMI too.

But what about fat people being happy?I’m happy enough, I do try and write humorous pieces most of the time, and I don’t really care if I’m not perfect, my 3 girls are perfect so that’s enough in the family. Their secret is rice, they are the Chinese half of the family, me I eat from the fat side of the fridge. Fat people enjoy their food, food is a pleasure, its not like filling up the car with petrol, it’s a joy, its sharing, its family. So should I end by saying thin people are boring, I once worked with a girl who had a yeast tablet as the main part of her dinner at work, she was pretty, but she would have been stunning if she had a bit of fat on her. And yes in today’s world she would be called anorexic, a word that’ll never be used to describe me.

A woman's beauty

14/08/2012

A Woman’s Beauty ©
By Michael Casey
A woman’s beauty has many seasons too, the first smile that floors any man, the kind word that heals any hurt, the tears that break any heart.  The touch that offers sympathy,  the consoling hug. The softness that brings hope to all of us. Softness is strength. All kinds of graces that are like pearls throw before swine, swine being men in the main.
A woman loves from her  heart, a man tends to love from his loins until he is educated  by the love of a good woman. Women don’t battle and try to win all the time, tender words are given to children, and men are just children who pretend they are all grown up. Words and curses are used and it’s the women who are the peacemakers, when all the wars are over its women who are left to bring the family together.
Family is woman, the home the hearth is woman, men are out working and the mother glues the family together while the men are at work. Times changed but still its mum and the kids, they are the family, dad is out working up to 16hours a day, at least my dad was. When dad is off work for the weekend then the family is full and complete, laughter rings out and when the ice cream van is heard in the street dad sends us out to get some ice creams. TV shows are watched together, kids snuggle up to dad to rest their head on his fat belly, dad’s Winnie  The Pooh like belly.
As kids it’s the mother who teaches the children their first prayers, it’s the mother who spread the Faith, but why is it that only men are the priests? A mother encourages and sooths, a dad gives the pocket money out  at the weekend so you can go to the Grove Cinema. On a Sunday there is cake and tea, dad goes to the pub and comes home with cheese and onion crisps in his pockets. Warm memories, memories that make up Family, then one Saturday night in May , mum is gone. Mum is dead, the priest comes to the house in the early hours returning with brother and sister, dad cries it finally hits him, his wife of nearly 50years is gone. Dad said mom had all the Graces, “She was as strong as a horse” which is high praise coming from a blacksmith.

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My dad was a blacksmith, I am a wordsmith

You can now buy my 5  books on Amazon Kindle, USA, UK or Germany and France too


The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker (c)

Essays and Plays (c) 

MichaelCasey'sBlogs2011 (c)

Shoplife (c)

300 and Not OUT (c) is my new collection of stories/blogs now on Amazon Kindle

Shopping Trip©  by Michael Casey

We joined Costco today, you have it over there in USA I believe. We had our photos taken for the ID cards, I looked fat and silly.My wife looked fine, just fine. The store was very big, its near where we bought our Toyota a few years ago. Though the Toyota dealership is closed now. As we toured Costco we looked at the savings we could get. 1/2 price on some items.Though you'd have to be running a dinner or a small hotel to really buy the bulk items. If you buy once every couple of months then you can stock up. Toilet paper and deoderants, fresh orange juice from concentrate. Hugh big cakes not to mention whole sides of pig chopped into slices of bacon in hugh economy packs. If you ran a snack bar the perfect size for your business.Pepsi and Cola galore. I think we will enjoy our new shopping experience. A big beef hotdog with onions and a soda plus refill got about 2.5dollars, a bargain.

Now what does this say about me? I'm normal, I'm average, I like a bargain, as does the whole world, especially in these sad and bad economic times.

Now what if God was out shopping, would he buy the giant economy packs?Would he chose people to be his friends if they used the right soap and the nicest deodorant. Would he like people wearing the nicest clothes the latest fashions, would he prefer Chinese people or Black people,would he like the Irish instead of the Jews,would he like hot countries and vibarnt people such as Brazilians at Mardi Gras. Would God like Gucci clad people. Would God like people whoshop at Costco, or would he only like those who shop at Tiffanys.

Luckily I know my God.He's not upset if I have toothpaste stuck to my jumper, even if once it was a cashmere jumper. He doesn't care if there's too much stubble on my chin and if my hair's not combed and there's a stain on my trousers where I spilt my coffee and then dropped my pizza too. Makes me sound like a bit of a tramp. I'm not always perfect, far from perfect BUT I do know that my God does love and accept me, even on my slobby not going to work days. Yes I may go shopping for bargains and the store does accept all major credit cards. But luckily my Lord accepts the fools, the beggars, the thieves, the dirty the smelly, the very badly dressed and those with no fashion sense and those who think they DO have the best clothes of all. For to the Lord we All are like the Emporer and his New Clothes, we are all naked before him just as Adam and Eve were in the beginning, and luckily for us he accepts us just the way we are.
Remember that next time you are out shopping.


**my 5 books are on Amazon Kindle
www.michaelgcasey.wordpress.com & www.michaelgcasey.multiply.com

Stones

Stones ©

By Michael Casey

Two stones on a beach the tide gently laps at them, refreshing them, cooling them, a perfect way to be, no worries, no purpose, no hope. One stone tries to influence the other, without the bigger stone the smaller one would be washed away, without the smaller stone the bigger one would be all alone. Could the big stone live without its neighbour, or would it be so terribly terribly lonely ?

Let’s go for a beer suggests one stone, but the other is horrified, alcohol is against its beliefs. The other stone suggest a coffee and a donut, but this is rejected, coffee  is not against his beliefs its just that his blood pressure means no more coffee. So the stones settle for a donut, and decide to eat it together on a bench in the churchyard of Saint Phillips. It’s a sunny day, too sunny in fact, so one suggests they go inside the Cathedral, only for the other stone to say it would be against his beliefs to go in a church. So they compromise and move position so that they can be in the shadow of the Cathedral.

Back at the beach the stones enjoy the sea lapping at their toes. Could they compromise on this and on that? They could but neither wants to give ground, neither wants to lose face, their people would say they had sold out, his people would say he is a traitor. So all they can agree on is donuts, and shade is ok. This goes on for years, the stones only move as far as the Druckers behind the Cathedral. Both stones rely on each other on the beach but otherwise neither will give ground, pride and ignorance is their common cause, the shingle shudder at their lack of love for everybody else.

A Flash lights the sky as far as the moon itself. Now they are no longer stones on a beach, they are burnt out, washed out stones in the middle of the desert, the sea itself has done. Me should have been Us.

Interviewing Somebody

Interviewing Somebody ©

 By

 Michael Casey

Welcome to Casey’s Company

As you can see we are a friendly company

Would you like a drink before we begin?

Sorry only tea or coffee, no Vodka or lager

At Christmas, then that would be different

But today you are here to be interviewed.

Now why did you apply for  a position at Casey’s Company?

Because you liked the 12 weeks holiday a year, but you do do preparation at home.

Because you liked carrying a briefcase, because you liked wearing shiny black shoes and a nice shirt and tie.

Or was it because you liked the idea of being called Sir?

What qualities can YOU bring to the role?

What experience do you have in a similar role?

How would you describe yourself?

Are you self motivated?

Pardon? Can I stop because you want to go and have a wee?

Ok are you ready to resume?

You want to go out and make an emergency phone call to your mum, you forgot to ask her to buy some more toilet paper, and some beef burgers and tomato ketchup.

Anything else?

Ok, lets move on.

So do you enjoy where you are employed at the moment?

You’re not employed at the moment.

You were sacked!

Why?

You were found kissing in the stationary cupboard, and when security searched you, you had 120 red pens and 120 blue pens, and 120 black pens in your nice fake leather briefcase. So you were sacked on the spot. The Police were not called in as the girl you were kissing in the stationary cupboard was the boss's daughter.

But you do have a glowing reference.

Looking at the signature it looks remarkably like YOUR handwriting.

Is there anything more you’d like to add?

You’d like to have the 1st two weeks of August off, as you’ve already booked your holiday, other than that you can start straight away.

Oh, you forgot something, could you be paid weekly and in cash.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.

Oh and when will we let you know if you have been successful in your application for the post.