Having a Lie In

Having a Lie In ©

By

Michael Casey

Well I’ve just had a lie in, and I hadn’t got around to talking to you all, so I thought I may as well write about lie ins. I had actually had a nap, my chest decided to pain, just where the breast bone had been broken for the bypass. 4 years on and still pains, hence the need to retreat to bed, but at least it’s given me an idea for a piece of writing.

Now we all love to have a lie in, especially if our girlfriend can lie in too, John and Yoko spent a week in bed, I think the dry cleaning was late being delivered, they should have chosen a better hotel. A lie in signifies ease and rest, lack of hurry and time to spare and waste. All this changes once you get a pet, then you have to take the dog for a walk, or collect its pooh from around the garden and put it in an old potato sack. But right now you are having a lie in with your girlfriend.

You practice all the positions from that Channel Four tv show, only you hurt your back, and then need to stay in bed, alone, for a week. Your physiotherapy male nurse goes to work while you stay alone in bed, watching the rest of the series of that Channel Four tv show. Practice, Prevents, Piss, Poor, Performance so they say, so you watch all the episodes back to back while your back gets better. You’ll not get caught out again, once your back heals.

Having a Lie In, denotes holidays or weekends. So you rush downstairs and make a jug of coffee and put it on the low table by your bed,then you’ll put the Today show on BBC Radio4 on your DAB radio. You heckle from the warmth of your bed, Nick Robinson is besides you cross examining those liars who call themselves Politicians. If he could see the spots on your bum he’d climb back into the radio. Or if he could see all those glorious curves, he’d lose his voice or stutter, imagine having somebody naked in front of you, and trying to remain professional. A prostitute always remains professional, but Nick is no Prostitute, he just works for radio4, he never has a lie in. What would Nick and John do anyway if they were in bed together having a lie in, shall we get up and torture a Politician or two?No lets cuddle, cuddle the news papers that is. I cannot imagine the pair of them being like Eric and Ernie in the 1970s.

As you lie in you want to stay in bed as long as possible, but your bladder needs emptying after that jug of coffee. Then if you don’t hurry back to bed the warm spot might disappear, or you trip over the duvet and burn your naughty bits when you knock the jug of coffee over. That’s a sight for your neighbours, you screaming and holding your knackers. Luckily your boyfriend is a male nurse, so he can examine your knackers, and advise do you need hospital treatment, in the meantime you put your bits in the freezer box of the deep freeze.

Your boyfriend takes a rear view photo, and puts it on FB, saving our sperm ready for a surrogate pregnancy is the caption. And after he stops laughing he only then realises that the 2 of your must become the 3 of you. So burning your knackers accidentally was in fact a turning point in your relationship, and all because you had a lie in.