Winter is coming so get your longjohns ready

Well a new Season is coming so get your warm clothes ready, and save for your gas bill too. I've downloaded my old posts ready for another Season, I also don't want people stealing them, they can write their own stuff.

Nice to know people in Ukraine and USA are reading my stuff, though you are probably hackers, but you could be hackers who like to read my stories on your hacking coffee break. Unix people so the stats say, not unless you are Google people, get back to work you lazy people.

I should record more of my stories, I have 11 hours or so of material. If it were possible to add audio here then I'd add a few. I've recorded 207 or so out of the 600 to 649 stories that I've written so far. I have a decent microphone now. I could record more, and I could give private lessons to anybody who wants to learn English as a 2nd language. Arthritis and chest pain permitting. Reasonable Rates. I can also give talks, see there is no end to my conceit.

Photo of me at home with my DIY POP FILTER and Microphone

THIS IS MY ELEVATOR  AD  AS  THE AMERICANS CALL THEM

Hello , how about a Verbal Cartoon for Radio and all other media

I grew up listening to the radio, we all used to hide under the blankets and listen when we should have been fast asleep. Radio did change my life, a lodger gave us a radio when he had to go back to Ireland to look after his sick mum. In fact he left all his stuff and caught the first boat home. Months later he came back to see us and said me and my brother could have his old Bush radio. I spent 20 years listening to radio. That and being afraid of Mr Gallagher when I was 8 changed my life, and improved my intellect.

Today after 20 years of radio and 25 years of writing, 45 years in total I think I'm a good writer, and thank God so do others. Yes I'm 55 now, in my head I'm 20, though my wife would say 12.

I met my Shanghai wife in the old people's home, she was cleaning my dad's room. I was positively vetted by a Chinese Ballerina  from the Birmingham Royal Ballet, now we are married with 2 bilingual daughters. I am the token male and English speaker in the family.

Now here's a few samples, what I'd like to do would be to read my shorts/blogs on your radio. Each piece is about 90 seconds long, 90 seconds with Michael is the idea, simple idea. I have gained 17,755 views on Funny or Die for a sample.

I have 300,000 + views on my Google Plus  

1^st chapter of Tears for a Butcher which will be my 8th book. Only the other day a publisher said my book of shorts 300 and Not OUT was very funny. In fact I must have 530+ shorts, enough for over a year. I have recorded 200 of them so far, 10 hours plus of audio.

I have started recording all my Shorts and have put 50+ of them on www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com  I have a new mike now too, so listen in reverse order.

My  7 books are on Amazon Kindle

 http://www.amazon.com/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_pop_1

 and  www.michaelgcasey.wordpress.com   is my site.

Here's the samples for radio or print.

LinkedIn Profile  and  CV ©

By

Michael Casey

We’ve all been on Facebook and LinkedIn, we get to know people and make “friends”. On LinkedIn it’s more about connections and maybe business connections. So we have to rely on the Profile, my LinkedIn profile tells my story, as I am a writer. But how accurate are these Profiles?

I am a born leader.

Means he was the firstborn boy in a family of 11 girls.

I created the supply chain structure.

Means he decided to use a clipboard and notepad instead of just his memory.

I optimised the sales among target audiences.

He chatted up all the girls, he was kind to seniors and went to church.

I was inventive and creative in gaining new sales.

Means he designed a flyer and went street to street delivering them.

I was never afraid of going the extra mile for the business.

Means there was a street gang chasing  him after he was at  the bank

I am great at communicating the business message.

He just would not shut up, so the boss got him to tidy the fruit outside the ma and pa store.

I always try and improve myself.

Means he has no friends so he reads a lot.

I created the new scheme to optimise the business cash flow.

Means he took the store’s cash and put the money on a horse.

I am now looking for new opportunities to excel

Means he got fired, cops not called as the owner married to his sister

I created a great new idea for centralising purchasing delivery.

Means he was a guard for the money delivery company, crash helmet and visor.

I created my own start-up company

Means he stole the money from the cash delivery company and started his own company.

I am now on a learning sabbatical before resuming my career

Means he is in jail, working in the library.

So when you read those LinkedIn profiles or reading a CV or resume think what do they really mean. Check the photos out too, the reality can be far different. Just like actors, photos can be 10 or 20 years old, and they are. Dig deeper.

Me, I google and check people out, as far as you can on Google. Google me(michaelgcasey) and my sites and think for yourself. I am on a sabbatical myself, no I’m not in a library, thought we have plenty of books in the house, no it’s called arthritis, which comes and goes and makes me scream sometimes. But at least I can sit here and make some of you laugh, as I Google everybody.

Let There Be Light ©

 By Michael Casey

Let my tears be my words

Let the candle light be my eyes

Let the flowers in bloom be my lips

Let their scent be my blood

Let the wind be my breath

Let clouds be my mood

Let children’s laughter be my hope

Let widows’ sighs be my conscience

Let a stranger’s prayers be my delight

Let the bees be my wisdom

Let the trees be my strength

Let my patience reach to the stars

Let me be always remembered in your prayers

           

                The Dead and The Living (c)

                           by

          

                     Michael  Casey

     I first saw a deceased when I was nine years old, my father said not

 

     to worry as the dead are the same as the living, only the  laughter

 

     has left them, the sparkle has gone from their eyes, the worry has

 

     been lifted from their shoulders, and their voice has vanished  to

 

     eternity.

     In paradise the sparkle will return for it is the  twinkle  of  the

 

     stars, the laughter will return too for it is the morning breeze and

 

     the turning tides are their sides shaking with laughter.

    

     I treat the deceased with the same courtesy as I give to the living,

 

     though I find the deceased are always more polite. My father also

 

     had a few words to say about the living.

     He said that the living are only the caretakers of the soul ,  yet

 

     they think their existence is everything, that they know everything

 

     because they experience many things with their senses.

     What the living don't acknowledge is that their time is short  and

 

     when I lay their bodies to rest then their souls  continue  without

 

     them, without their strong, without their weak, without  their

 

     beautiful or even ugly temporary form, to where I cannot say, only

 

     that it is a better place.

 

     Percy the undertaker placed the lid on the coffin, the soul was free

                          THE  BEGINNING

     

 

Sleepover©

By

Michael Casey

Sleepover is exactly that, your sleep is over, you have laughing kids invading your house, and driving you out of your minds. Well not always, but it is very distracting. You can’t remember what you were doing and where has that file gone on the computer. This is the 2nd time I’m telling this story, why, because my Word, or upon my word, the story died or rather Word did not close properly, so now you’re getting something different.

Total strangers, or strangers to you arrive at the house and kind of invade it for a night. You do shout up the stairs, keep them out of my room. Not because you have anything worth stealing, but they are stealing your privacy, and that’s all you have left if you have daughters in your house.

Then the smell of nail varnish drifts down the stairs and permeates everywhere, its worse than mustard gas from the Great War. You scream up the stairs, open all the windows fully, what about your room, dad? Especially mine.

Its then that your inner sanctum is breached as they bring their friends to help them open the window. They see the Teddy Bear that you’ve had since you were 6 years old, the invader laughs. She also sees the deep heat by your bed, And he complains about nail varnish.

Dinner time arrives and you have to feed the cuckoo, only she doesn’t eat this or she doesn’t eat that, on principle. So you say, you’ll have to stave then. Your daughter, the host, is horrified, so you relent and flick a pound coin at them, cholesterol free oil used to make the chips. So a compromise is achieved.

You put Sky Sports on to watch the match, they say Qatar is going to build underground stadia, novel idea. You are settling down to see Rooney when they arrive back chip laden. Her friend just loves the ballet and Sky Arts has Bolshoi on, so could they please please watch that. You say you’ll record it for them. But you are as bad as a puppy murderer even for suggesting it.

So being a nice dad you let them watch the ballet on your 46inch tv, while you retreat to watch the match on the laptop upstairs. They never tell you about this at parenting classes, just how to change nappies. Let’s hope William and Kate are told.

After the ballet they retreat upstairs for girlie music, and what were you doing in their room on the laptop. Didn’t you know you are just a dad not allowed in the inner sanctum. The Hits is switched on  their dab radio at volume 13, you retreat to watch the after match talk on the big screen.

Later its bath time, so you have to wait 2 hours for all the girls in your house, including the cuckoo, to pollute the bathroom before you a mere dad, and bill payer, can have a shave. Only your last razor has been used to save somebody’s legs.

So everybody goes to bed, all is well, holding your teddy bear, you sleep soundly. Until 3am, when a banshee screaming wakes you, your wife and all the neighbours. It’s the cuckoo, she’s having a nightmare, it must be the chips, and the cholesterol free oil from them. Or half waking up and forgetting where she was.

So remembering to put on your dressing gown you have to calm everybody down, and answer the door, to the police, as the neighbour from neighbourhood watch has rung them. So the police come in and have a look. Flatulence is written down in the Police note book. As you let the police out the house again your smallest daughter hands you your teddy bear, its ok dad, it’s only a sleepover.

How do Men Shop? ©

By Michael Casey

There is a difference between Men and Women, and thank God for it. But how do men shop? Shopping for men is about getting what you need, my shoes have a hole in them so I’ll go to the shop and buy another pair. A man will buy a new pair of shoes that are exactly the same as his old pair of shoes, or if he’s being adventurous he’ll have a pair of shoes which are exactly the same but with grey laces and not black. Now to a man this is being fashion conscious. If a man wants a new pair of trousers he just goes to the shop and sees if they have his leg/waist size and then tries them on, making sure they don’t split when he bends over and that his package is not squeezed. If a man needs a suit he checks the trousers before putting on the jacket, the jacket must be able to be done up without his belly exploding the buttons off. A man will never button up his suit jacket, but he needs to know that the buttons won’t fly off and hit anybody in the eye, if ever he does.

If a man needs a shirt he checks the neck size, 18.5 in my case, and then he sees if its full fit or not. Then he buys 5 shirts exactly the same all  in plastic . For a lazy shopper he’ll go straight to Slaters and get what he wants. In and out in 30 mins for everything. Then he’ll go to the pub and meet his mates and have one pint too many and leave all his shopping in the Queens Tavern. Luckily they are honest there and his shopping is saved, otherwise he’s have to waste 30mins in Slaters, before going back to the pub.

This is basically the difference between men and women. Woman shop, men pick up clothes or whatever like an order picker does, without any passion.  A man gets home and puts his shopping away and forgets about it. Just like in the film The Fly where the man’s wardrobe contains suits all the same colour, clothes are just a thing so they are all uniform.

As for women shopping s something different, the clothes have to be tried on and they must make the woman look perfect, her bum or boobs mustn’t be to big or too small, everything should be right. To help the woman chose her clothes she brings two or three mates or her children with her. Her man is forced to come too, but he plugs Radio5 Live into his ear and listens to the football  while she is choosing. Men know 5 colours, red, blue, red, green, yellow or maybe one or two more; as for a woman there are at least 50 colours, and just as the eskimos have 30 words for snow a woman has 10 words for each colour and its hews.

This brave man, or am I stupid, I just give my wife the debit card and say leave me in peace, so she goes off with a smile with the girls with her, they are young Fashionistas after all. I decided years ago what a wife needed was space to shop and not constant looks at my watch. So that’s what she does and her bulging wardrobe will testify to the wisdom of my decision. When a woman comes home its 2 hours of mix and match to make sure that the new clothes match the old clothes, the husband tries to watch the big match on tv but his wife is prancing around the living room asking “does my bum show” and various other questions. It’s a penalty, and you sit on the edge of your seat, the wife appears and blocks your view, so you miss seeing why  your side was relegated. Normal life in homes up and down the country.

The next day you watch the match again in peace, you remembered to record it on Sky+ and as for the wife she’s gone back to the shop to return ½ of what she bought because it doesn’t match her shoes. And it’s your fault because you wouldn’t give her your debit card again so she could buy cheap £100 shoes.

All Things Bright and Beautiful ©

 By Michael Casey

 I haven’t written a non-pain piece in a while, so I’ll try and forget the pain and write something new. We’ve just had the half time holidays and my girls have been playing “shop-girls” as they call it. They even have a sign on their bedroom door saying “open” or “closed”. They steal my wife’s clothes and prance about upstairs. Our eldest daughter has bigger feet than my wife now so that’s a relief as she cannot steal my wife’s shoes any more, but it does not prevent her younger sister from wearing mum’s shoes. There is also the matter of the beret with silver sequins, that’s an absolute Fashion Must.

Me, I’m not fashionable at all, three girls in the house is enough, if I gave in to them they’d be beading my eye brows, I do wear pink on occasions, so that’s as far as I go. If I were maybe 3 stones lighter I’d try other things, I did see a nice cord jacket in Cotton Traders 48R, it was bright blue, Kingfisher Blue, my girls called it a “Clown Jacket”. With encouragement like that what am I supposed to do? I did say if I win Euro millions I WILL buy the jacket. My wife has a nice light brown one, although as she is a woman there will be a more accurate colour name, men don’t do colours. If you think of it its black and white, blue, green, orange as far as men go, but women at least another 40 names for colours. As far as my hair goes, its silver, though a friend used to say I was an old man with white hair. As the colour of our hair change it’s the 7 ages of man.

I remember Ali saying why wasn’t it “Whitemail” instead of blackmail. We are in the Pink if we have good health, I long to be back in the pink myself. We say we hope be back in the black not in the red when we do company accounts, we look for the silver linings. We look look look for the rainbow as the song goes, we may find the crock of gold, all our troubles may be over and we can pack them up in the old kit bag. Hope springs up within us, it is now Spring after all, and as Chance the Gardener said “in the Spring there will be growth.”

Cheese and Chorizo ©

By Michael Casey

 The thing about girls is that they steal your stuff, you think they are nice and sweet smelling, but they are not. If they get up before you they’ll raid your side of the fridge and eat your cheese and chorizo. Cheese and chorizo on toast, with hot chocolate to follow, this is how your daughters treat you. This is how my girls treat me.

Yesterday mum bought biscuits, and did she share them? NO. The girls got some but I got none. They were  the ones I really like, its always the ones you really like. I looked high and low, just like an Ah Ha song, but nothing. JJ the wife just laughed at me as I went from pillar to post looking for a biscuit, the Tunnock ones. See this is how the 3 girls in my life treat me, I am biscuitless. Finally after much derision my small daughter showed me  where the biscuits were, a new hiding place, that’s why I could not find them. So I was victorious, I sneaked a biscuit into my pocket and slipped away to eat it in peace.

Shoes are a big thing, so our small daughter walks around the house in mum’s shoes, mine are too big so thankfully they are left alone. However having two daughters who like Textiles, which is the fancy word from school for sewing and making things. If they like textiles then your clothes are not safe, they drag a shirt or two out of the wardrobe and say they want to turn it into something. Jumpers are not safe either, they can cut them down to make a dress  or even a handbag. And as for needles, it’s like having a porcupine in the family, DANGER. You only realise that after you have sat on a needle or two, the wife just says its free acupuncture, no need to asked Dr Hu to pay us a visit, and yes he really is Dr Hu, not Dr Who, but Dr Hu.

Now that our 11year old is 5feet tall, as big as mum, she wants to wear her clothes, but you can imagine what kind of clothes a Shanghai girl wears. So there is debate in Chinese, I cannot understand a word, but SANINGONGA is heard quite often which means no. Which also means my girls, our girls will return to steal from my wardrobe again. In a way it’s like having moths, but instead of holes in your clothes, entire items just disappear. BUT it’s not just the girls, its mum too, she’ll decide that the Fashion Police would not like this item or that item, so it  disappears.  When do I find out? Never, or nearly never, until I walk past a charity shop and see a tent sized item in the window, it’s my clothes.

So if you want to keep the clothes on your back, don’t have daughters. If  you want your favourite food safe in your side of the fridge, the none Chinese side of the fridge, then don’t have daughters. If you want to save your pennies, don’t have a Shanghai wife. But then life would be boring, just make sure you look before you sit.

From A to B from Sat Nav to Blocked Sink  ©

 By Michael Casey

 Well I hope you are all fine this morning. For us the Sat Nav debate continues. In the old days a Black Taxi would not be seen using an AtoZ, it was beneath his dignity. He'd done the Knowledge and it was all up there in his head. Jack Rozenthal wrote a great play about it, was it 30years ago? Maureen Lipman was his real wife.

 Delivery drivers have and egg and bacon butty in one hand dripping egg on to the AtoZ in their other hand while they try and deliver a chest of drawers, with 5 days growth of beard for good measure.

 Bus drivers know their route, so once they've done it a while its automatic, they know what they are doing. All they have to do is put up with kids trying to use a 3 day old ticket, and not get too high from all the cannabis on the bus. Or remember when they have switched routes because that can lead to strange directions.

 Door to door salesmen all those years ago, with the rap at tat tat on the back door had their route carrying the suitcase with samples in. I can vaguely remember one at our back door did my mum buy a clothes brush? But that must be 45 years ago.

So basically we all know what we want and where we are going. Going further back they say people only knew a six block radius around their home. Going to War changed all that as did radio and then more importantly tv. Tv being our eyes on the world, previous to that only Merchant Seaman knew of the world. My own granddad was a merchant sea man, I sometimes wonder did he ever get to Shanghai

Or was it me, his grandson who got there first. Had he visited at the turn of the 19th/20th Century 100years and more ago.

 Which brings us back to Sat Nav. Me I use a bus which is fine apart from the pot heads who sit next to you on the bus and all I want to do is puke. My wife is a car driver, so she and our girls love the car. But my wife has borrowed a Sat Nav and likes the ease of it so now she wants one of her own. The result is that I’m being nagged to provide one. You pay, me pay, yes you pay, why me pay, because you are the husband so you pay, no way me pay, you pay you pay yourself, I say. And on the ding dong, sing song goes. Which is the fun part. Me I no pay, use computer I say. You can get perfect directions off the computer all you then have to do is print them off, if our printer was still working we’d be doing that. So really all the wife has to do is copy them down, in English.

 She’s  busy with the wok as I talk to you, she’s compromised now, she only wants me to pay half. So I say I’ll be doubly generous and double the share I won’t pay, I’ll pay zero and she can pay 100%. That’s the true spirit of negotiation, now I have another thing to resolve, she’s blocked the sink, so pardon me now as I take the plunge, or rather take the plunger to the sink, no need to use a Sat Nav to get there, its over my shoulder in the next room, just turn left at the tv and go straight on to the sound of bubbles. Love is everywhere don’t you know it, just find it, no Sat Nav required.

My other idea is a book of shorts, 40 stories with 40 translations

on facing page plus 40 audio of me reading my stories on usb stick.

Perfect to teach English as a 2nd language, via humour.

As I have written 530+ stories this would be a series of 10 plus books

So we could have Mandarin/Japanese/Urdu/Spanish/Hindi/Russian etc

This would be a world wide hit, angel investors needed

Thanks for reading this, that’s if Junk did not get it. I have come close and not got a cigar many times in my life, so I decided to try you. Radio is the medium for my words, 90 seconds with Michael, could go nationwide, it’s a simple idea, with great words, mine if I can be boastful. I have already recorded 200 of my 540+ shorts, 10 hours plus of audio.

some can be heard at www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com

Cheerio, Michael Casey 

Email michaelgcasey@hotmail.com

 www.michaelgcasey.wordpress.com

www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com  to hear 50+ stories

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1

9 ebooks and 3 Printed on Paper Books

http://www.amazon.com/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1

Tea Break is over now get back to work , or tell 1,000,000,000 people to buy my books, then I can move house and have holidays in Malta. Well in my dreams

Motivational Speakers

September 28th, 2015 10:18

Motivational Speakers

By michaelgcasey

Motivational Speakers ©
By Michael Casey
Do we really need Motivational Speakers? Hitler was a motivational speaker, encouraging people to dress up in fancy dress and parade, and invade too. Mel Brooks’ Springtime for Hitler always springs to mind, The Producers is one of my favourite films, I remember Mel’s original on tv. Now the thought of that has made us all smile, comedy can always bring dictators down to earth, Charlie Chaplin’s The Great Dictator also poked fun of Hitler.
So why the need for Motivational Speakers? Churchill was obviously the man for Britain when our backs were against the wall, when we were all alone and it was the Few that saved us all. We’ve all seen the King’s Speech too, which for younger generations was an eye opener, in those times rousing words were needed, and really did keep the home fires burning.
Moving on a generation we had Kennedy and his Ich Bin Ein Berliner speech, words are like whisky for the spirit. For the Black Watch words and bagpipes were inspirational and motivational, their spirit is legendary. So we all know just how powerful words can be, and if we look all the way back we have, In the Beginning was The Word. So words have a powerful hold over us.
People are perhaps yearning for somethings bigger than themselves, I say perhaps because I don’t believe everybody has to be a sheep and follow anybody or anything, we do have free will after all. However we DO follow Manchester United, or Abba, or the Press Review on Sky News, or New Girl or Grimm on tv. We do all have our addictions.
Words are sexy, ask Byron and any 60s musician, words can open doors, and spread  your wings and fly, if you remember your Rod Steward lyrics. So if you are a wordsmith you are a Rock Star so to speak, which gives you power and privilege, which can be used any way you like. Nowadays in America especially you can have a whole career as a Motivational Speaker, which means you do nothing, just tell others how they should lead their lives to make them just as rich as you, but they never will be. They can of course have their teeth done, whiter than the North Pole, which makes us laugh over here in the UK, but it’s all part of the look.
Its pseudo religion, pseudo everything, you pay your 500dollars and you get 2 lectures and a goody-bag, not to mention a chance to buy the Speaker’s books and dvds and     T-shirts, all  outrageously overpriced, but you must have them so you can wear them back at the office on Monday. Or rather back in the basement where you work alone in filing for a major company, but at least you have been inspired. Maybe the girl in records will happen by and be impressed, she’ll spread her wings and fly, because she has the same T-shirt, she’s been motivated too, motivated to hook you, time is moving on, she always wanted a baby…..
Motivation can make you decide to change your life, to get out of a rut, so has the Motivational Speaker done it, has he, or she made you be the person you’ve always wanted to be. No. You have reached a point in your life when you want to make a change, you’ve gone to see the speaker speak, and you’ve thought this is sucks, why did I pay all this money. You do decide to get your teeth fixed, and in the bar you meet a girl who knows a good dentist, it’s her brother.
So you spend the rest of the day talking to this girl, she’s your motivation, she won’t tell you for 6 months, but she’s decided you are husband material. She feels comfortable talking to you, you are nice, normally this means you are not boyfriend/husband material. In your case though, you are the one. So really all the money you spent on the Motivational Speaker event  was a waste, but you did finally meet the girl of your dreams.
Really Motivational Speakers  state the obvious, the really obvious, but with the zeal of a born again preacher, in USA people like preachers. Over here in UK we think they are a bit  loony, and are to be avoided, and as for motivational speakers, it’s an American thing, not something we want, not unless you work in sales.
So what would I say if I were a Motivational Speaker? I’d say the answers are inside you, don’t look outward at a guy in a 3000dollar suit, with too perfect teeth and a tacky designer Rolex, which looks like a fake as the design is so huge and tacky. What do you really want from  your life? Sex, drugs, rock and roll or an intimate relationship with your god, whatever it is.
You have to decide what you want, write list on a piece of paper and work your way through it. The list may have one thing on, or loads, you make your shopping list and then stick it to the fridge with a fridge magnet. So every day you look at the list and try and do something about it. There are no Road to Damascus experiences, there are one step at a time experiences, like The Long March in China, but eventually you WILL be on the moon making that one small step for man, and it will be your Giant Leap.



p.s. My dad once said “do what you like but do your best”   my mum said “you are as good as anybody”
should I charge $500 for this advice and buy myself a 3000dollar suit and have my teeth fixed, though I’d get a Cartier Diamond Bleu if I had any money from Motivational talking.

The Little Things

The Little Things ©

By Michael Casey

Something reminded me of the Little Things the other day, and it surprized me, I thought I would not be affected by the little things but I was. I think I’ve told you about my mother’s coat hanger in the past, it was an old pink hued wooden coat hanger, which we broke, and it made our mother cry.

Why did she cry, because it was given to her by her own mother when she left Ireland for Smethwick and England in 1944 when the war was still on. The hanger was of sentimental value to our mum, we had probably broken it in 1968.

I’ve literally remembered just now how Speedy Carr at school grabbed a ruler from a desk and how play fighting I broke it.  So both of us got into trouble and the kid it belonged to cried, because his dad had given it to him, I can’t remember was his dad  deceased at the time. Mr Russell our form teacher gave us a page of lines as punishment. I’d forgotten that till right now, 40+ years on. The point being though, that small things can have tremendous meaning to people. So watch whose coat hanger or wooden ruler you break.

  

Christmas cards and Birthday cards can be a big big deal too, some say they are a waste of paper and an ecard is better. However your sisters or girlfriends might think otherwise, they don’t mind not getting a present because you are saving for your house, but if you don’t bother or forget to send them a card then they won’t speak to you for months. Simmering resentment until it all explodes at the next family get together. So my best advice is to get a diary and stick all the important dates in it.

Personally I won’t be upset if nobody comes to my grave, although some graveyards are like filing cabinets, and some are just shoddy, such as the one down the road from my house where the slots for ashes are like the leftovers from Screwfit.  I really would like to be buried at Trinity Rd church next door to the Sikh Temple in Smethwick, though it’s a closed graveyard and somebody important would have to get me buried there.

For some visits to graveyard are important, and the laying of flowers is a ritual that has to be followed. I’ve never been to by parents’ graveyard, apart from when I ended up there by accident. For my sister it’s a ritual she has to follow, my view is the Love is in you, they gave it to you, so there is no need to visit a graveyard.

There are habits we all have, some may almost be OCD, habits footballers have before they get on the pitch, but they must do things in a certain order to keep their equilibrium. It’s these little things which make the difference to all of us. 

Squeezing the tooth paste from the middle instead of the end is a major little thing that can bring strife to any household, so don’t do it and we’ll all stay smiling. 

Fake Essays

Fake Essays ©

By Michael Casey

I keep an eye on my writing, I try and work out who is reading it and where. Vanity I suppose, but if I’m writing I do of course like to know who is reading. As I was doing this the other day I stumbled over an old piece of mine, Oxbridge and Unable to write an Essay. When I clicked on my piece of writing it lead to a site where for a few pounds you could buy an essay, so you don’t have to do the work yourself. This is fraud in my opinion.

Why do any work yourself when you can pay somebody else to write an essay for you. There are different charges depending on what level of study the essay is for. Sadly if you spend 2 seconds reading the home page you can see its run by somebody whose first language is not English. Prepositions give Esol English writers away. So you won’t be getting a good essay in good English, instead you’ll be getting something which is clearly not written by you a Native English speaker. This should be picked up by your tutor/teacher in 5 seconds, so no matter how good the factual part of the essay, you will still get an F and a warning.

There is another question, honesty, some students and even cultures find nothing wrong in cheating. Cheating and bribery is the norm, which is sad. If you cheat your way through, what happens when you really need to know your subject. Oops what did I just do, as a mushroom cloud rises into the air, or you poison an entire class. I have met some people in my travels who have actually said to me, of course we cheat, how are we supposed to pass otherwise, and they looked at me if I was some dullard. This is very very sad because it has watered away basic honesty and integrity.

When you write an essay you are proving to yourself you have learnt your subject, it’s an affirmation of knowledge. If you can write something down, if you can teach it, then you have proved you know what you are on about. You can read 10 to 30 essays on any topic you like, the internet is a great source of knowledge, then after you have read all the essays or read a few books  you can distil this knowledge into an essay that you have written yourself. You can quote Shakespeare or Michael Casey with examples to build your case in your essay, showing the subject in a new light. But you have done the work.