Short stories from Birmingham readers in 162 countries so far
HEAR ME READ ALOUD
207 stories written & read by me
https://profile.typepad.com/michaelgcasey
https://michaelgcasey.typepad.com/blog/
I did actually spend a year doing Shakespeare at the Open University, my Tutor called me Shakespeare’s agent, I got 74% for my first essay. Here’s what I found on my back list. So Everybody Enjoy Shakespeare, Putin is a Mad Tragedy but he will pass, just like a wet noisy fart, then he’ll be gone forever. Just Trust in the Blue Lady Army.
Shakespeare come out of the bog, I’m a cross gartered fool desperate to be let in (c)
By Michael Casey
Today is Shakespeare’s Birthday, 23rd April
So he is quiffing ale like Falstaff
So his bladder is fit to but
So needs must, he is in the bog
No not an Irish bog, like found in Kerry and those parts
The kind of bog where farts are found
A toilet in any other words
Can you hear hear the Earthy Sounds
A hail of rain, and tempest galore
Merrily I say to thee, Shakespeare is past
He has had his Measure for Measure, and more
Litre pint glasses he adores, he is all for Europe
If he can fit more in his glass
And now it is all coming out his ass
And I don’t mean a donkey
Though he brays like one
Especially if he is sat upon
But is takes up all the bench with a buxom wench
Where are we all to sit
So we all say, move up a bit
Then he has to go for a sh**
He says he won’t dally while he dumps
The wench’s breast look like mumps
So we say, take your time
It’s no crime, as Falstaff moves in
His double chins as large as the maiden’s breast
Though she is far from Maiden
She’s been had, and Elizabeth said it first
When she was a walk on part, as Falstaff farts
So Shakespeare is in the bog and we cheer merrily
As the Inn Keeper to his credit will but the ale bill
on Shakespeare’s account, because he is a right count
We did get a penny worth of bread for Falstaff
As he never drinks on an empty stomach
As we leer and tarry with the maiden
Shakespeare has inspiration and takes out his quill
As sat on the toilet, he writes a new Thriller
The Tempest, and judging from the noises off
It is the perfect title
As washed up on a sea of ale, Shakespeare writes his Tale
We are glad for him and call for more Strumpets
which are a bit like bread, recently invented and called
Crumpets, so now you know, because I told you so
Annie was at the gate, so I missed a line
she is very refined and paints
But back to the yard of ale, for more of the tale
Shakespeare would not come out
No matter how loud we shout
He just used his quill and wrote on the wall
Many a verse, as we converse with Strumpets
And hoping for a bit of crumpet
Will was in there with his quill
Not know he would be paying the bar bill
But as the wind blew, he knew with his quill
He had swallowed a bitter pill
If he was writing on paper, then scenes would be missing
As the ale and hapworth of bread
Had entered via his head
Now was dropping like lead down the hole in the ground
With such a mighty echoing sound
Yes, Will was all piss and thunder
That’s why he webbed words together like a song
And could do no wrong on any stage
And now filled with rage for the lack of a page
He was the writing was on the wall
But he was having a ball
And so were we with Strumpets
Best paid by Will on his tabulations behind the bar
Though the Strumpets behinds, in front and behind the bar
Were England’s Glory be far
For God and King Harry Parts One and Two
Were writ when he’d had quite a few
Strumpets and Ale, they were both for sale
And Will Shakespeare knew how to take the measure of both
He was a playwrite of note after all
And he was always after, before, after and during
He had to dip his quill, that’s why Will was Will
He was no sheep in a pen, he was frolicking at will
And Will did grow up in the wool trade and wrote all his own stuff
Though Ernest the Wise innkeeper always said it was bracing air
Like at Morcambe that made the lines fizzle
Not the damp air and drizzle outside
So come inside for we have crumpet to go with the ale
Best served by our very own strumpets
And what of Me?
I am Michael Casey the fat silver haired writer in shades from Birmingham
And it is I who is left to beat my carpet
For the bastard Will left the cat in
And she sha** on my rug, so now I have to beat it
To clean the mess off
Happy Birthday William Shakespeare
And hurry up out of the bog
So I can use it, and maybe I can steal a few lines
Off the Wall, as I dance the night away
Farting Happy Birthday
Shakespeare and all that (c)
By Michael Casey
I just read in the Daily Telegraph that Shakespeare was coming back, no not from the dead just back to the syllabus. Yes Shakespeare can be hard, very hard even. Nowadays you can get good notes. For example Cliffs notes on Internet for Macbeth or whatever. Then on Amazon by Longman’s guide to Macbeth. Then back to Utube/Internet and you’ll get 4 versions of the play. So that’s a head start already, assuming your teacher is good they he/she will bring it to life for you. I’d say read the play, look at the Cliffs notes on your own before the teacher starts on the course. If you are doing it on your own for fun or for the OU then just read he play look at the notes, watch all 4 versions of the play on Utube. You can even find sites that’ll have essays on the subject. You may have to pay a few quid for access, OR you just read the 1st page of over 40 essays. The internet is your library so use it. Get drunk and read it, or have 4 litres of Dr Pepper, 10 bars of chocolate or whatever makes you happy then read the play. I did a bit of Shakespeare at the OU and I taught a bit too, so I know its doable. Don’t be afraid, it’s just words on paper. BUT you can bring them to life, put silly voices on, do silly walks, sit in MacDonalds and do it. Go to the park and do it. Chop it to size, and do it. 14 years ago I relearnt my Spanish in a couple of months, all I did was 15 mins a day, every day for a couple of months. I chopped the Spanish to size. Shakespeare is simpler than doing Spanish after a 25year break. Once in Barcelona I spent a week in a tapas bar, but that’s another story. Please Please Please give Shakespeare a try. There are travelling theatre companies after all, get your school to get one to come and put on a show. Did you know there are even theatre companies that work in prisons? We had a film called Shakespeare in Love go and watch that. Then with fear banished, lose your virginity with Shakespeare.
Well we continue with Freeview tv and wait for our Broadband too, so it was great to stumble over a programme on Shakespeare, while my kids hid in the next room and attacked our piano. And no they don’t play Chopsticks, even though they are 1/2 Shanghai Chinese, they are in fact both Grade One on piano, and my big daughter has her Deans Award for choral singing. Me I just sing along to the radio, luckily our neighbours are all deaf.
So now that John Nettles has finished talking about Will Shakespeare it gave me the idea about talking about Words. I can never invent as many new words as Will did, he’s had a 400 year head start after all, but I hope I can raise a few laughs by my use of words, or my cartoons made with words. Words give you a picture and can be very colourful, especially if events drive you to curse, so long as alls well that ends well as Will used to say.
I read recently, and no I don’t mean I learnt to read recently, as Will’s wordplay would say, that swearing denotes a higher level of intelligence. So Teamsters must be really highly educated, and rappers must be the most highly intelligent people of all. Discuss, or not discuss that is the question, whether a Blankety Blank is nobler that a Zippy Zap Dang and can you move or remove your Thang, or is it Thong?
Will has given me a few thoughts now, we are connected you know his Ghost sleeps under my bed, I would never share a bed with a man, only Ghost or no Ghost. A women is acceptable but no men in my bed. So how about an all Pop Version of Shakespeare, though some may say Baz from Moulin Rouge has done it already. But Pray Forgive me and I offer my Humble Version of Will Shakespeare a la Pop plus.
Zoons says Snoop Dog as he lashes out with words, rhythms must be heard, no matter how absurd. Lionel Richie is all soft and sooth, he is dragged away and put in stocks, why does he wear those absurd golfing socks. Big bad Barry White strides onto the stage scattering all before him, he is the Man for all Seasons and many many more, nobody defy him or he’ll sing them to the floor. Lionel Richie sings once twice three times a lady, and he is dressed to play the female part just as they did in Shakespeare’s day.
50 Cent comes on all draped in Gold, he is giving Measure for Measure and much much more, his girls adorn the floor. Eminem climbs the ivy to the lady’s chamber, only she’s a lady, so Beyonce throws her chamber pot full of ale over his head, he can find another amour instead.
Stephen Fry wanders on stage, quoting Shakespeare, offering a pound of flesh, but 50 cent says he has 100s of pounds flesh, bowing to his ladies at his feet. Stephen Fry mutters something before breaking out into a break dance. Stephen Fry swivels on his head, like a Jester begging for his bread. The rappers applaud and throw coins at him, ok only 50 cents in total, but Stephen Fry will appear for any small amount, it all goes into his Barclay Bank account.
Lady Gaga appears in mist as Lady Macbeth, she may have been born that way, but on the stage she knows her measure for measure. Tina Turner is a Shrew who’ll never be tamed, not by Lionel Richie nor 50 cents, but when Barry White hits those low notes, she’ll be HIS lady, his ever so sweet lady, and Lionel Richie can just watch dressed in his frock still in the stocks.
The ghost of Sinatra appears and sings My Way, what else, Shakespeare himself applauds from the wings, if only Sinatra was around when he had his Globe theatre, Andrew Lloyd Webber would not have bothered to be born. He would have been really useful with the thunder machine though. Elvis was due to appear too, but he had left the building before the audience arrived. Time and Tide waits for no man after all.
One Direction and the Jonas Brothers fight it out for Juliet’s affections
Fighting with Ballads as the audience goes to the bar unimpressed, Will Shakespeare’s Globe had the very first Stella Artois after all. And on it goes, till Meatloaf and Alice Cooper descend to the stage dressed as angels and say the final words, Sleep Well Dear Audience, and if things go bump in the night it may just be somebody sneaking into Michael Casey’s bed for the night. The Ghost of Shakespeare or the Lady Macbeth herself.
Shakespeare was a robot
did you know Shakespeare was a robot by michaelgcasey June 19, 2003, 03:09 PM
did you know that if you post a message nobody ever reads it , its just answered by a Japanese robot trained at Oxford University so it speaks or rather types correctly , I myself am a Birmingham Robot , born or rather constructed at the University here in Birmingham , a great world leader in Engineering/Medicine and much more , Birmingham is also where my writing was constructed with the aid of millions of gallons of milk consumed by myself , donated by daisy the cow http://www.michaelgcasey.multiply.com so if you want to read how Shakespeare’s work was constructed using a computer program 400 years old then first go to my site and believe , and then you too can become an American TV evangelists and fleece millions of people out of millions of dollars , look out the FBI is out there looking for You , yes you , scratching your head , was this induced by too many substances , or just two orders of egg fried rice from the Chinese take away , or was it just
i m a g i n a t i o n . use your brain before you die
I’ve been watching the Sky Arts prog on Shakspeare. It was interesting but left me feeling empty. My tutor once said I was Shakespeare’s agent when I wrote an essay 20 years plus ago, all I can remember is that I got 74%. There was a documentary about Will on BBC2 a few years ago and that make a compelling case for Will being from Stratford. It highlighted all of Will’s influences and perhaps he was a Catholic too, how all of life’s events made Will the man he was. How he learnt so much stuff, so he was able to write what he did write, Will was the man. In good Will hunting the cleaner can do maths problems that out fox the greatest brains, in the end though that Will finds out the most important thing of all LOVE.
Scholars say that Will Shakespeare couldn’t know this and he couldn’t know that, and he couldn’t possibly be so mean, according to the Sky Arts program. In real life we all know some Son Of a Bitch, who seems so nice but in reality he’s a SOB, if only we knew about things but the person seemed so nice so genuine, but in reality… People have got away with murder and things even worse than murder, but we don’t have hindsight.
Shakespeare is the same, he amazes us, he touches us. Steven King frightens us to death, doesn’t mean he should be on Death Row, he must be warped because of the way he writes. It is his job, it was Shakespeare’s job, writing is what people do, you don’t have to be a Saint to pray and you don’t have to be Satan to curse and do worse. And if only we didn’t mix the two up with current sad and tragic events in the news….
Shakespeare is fun and kids do him at school, Macbeth is being studied by our kids if they are old enough to be in the GCSE class today. Cliff Notes and BBC Bitesize are a great help. But back to the plot, I feel the older BBC documentary was more accurate, and I vote for that version of Will’s identity. If I can do my bit of writing, from my own background then why on earth cannot Will be the man who wrote his own stuff. Clever people are trying to hang their own coat on Will’s frame, but sadly the cloakroom tickets have fallen off and the wrong garments are being given to the wrong man.
Michael
p.s. I still maintain that Prince Hal was a bit of a lad and would abandon Falstaff once Kingship beckoned
Shakespeare an old neighbour always used to shout, turn it down Michael I’m writing a play. So I’d always say any good? They he’d stare at me. He quite likes my Genesis, he always says the beginning is so important. As for the middle, it should be meaty, so Barry White hits the spot. As for the end, a bit of a Starry Starry night as I like looking at Sky, And all played not on a stage though Music is Global, ask Shakespeare, but you’ll have to shout as he’s gone drinking with Falstaff and that Prince Hal. Yes get in the Groove with your music, for it be the food of life, let it be and let it play on. michaelgcasey
