The Singing Newsreader

The Singing Newsreader ©

By

Michael Casey

Climb every mountain, follow every stream, follow every byway till you find your dream, a dream that will come true. Yes, yes and yes, my boyfriend is a FIREMAN, all man and plenty of fire.

Bindy winks straight into camera one, and it wobbles, she has the looks.

Well Folks, here is tonight’s news, Lady, my sweet Lady. Sorry folks, but Hank is such a catch, I had to give him help, so he used my ladder, it was in my stockings.

The President today said this or was it that, nobody knows, whatever’s on the Q cards he just says it. I’m the first, I’m the last, I’m your everything. Why the First Lady gave him a Barry White album we’ll never know, well not until the book tour after he leaves office. Though he does wear baggy clothes to hide his lumps, maybe if the President could just sing like Barry White all his problems would be over.

We gota gota gota gota build, build build can you feel it rising White Uneducated Women can you feel it rising. The Wall, the wall, we gota gota gota build the wall, oh its so tall, so very very tall. Don’t be afraid of my beautiful barbed wire, get past the prickles and feel what it does for you, feel the force baby, feel it, feel it feel it. Feel my beautiful barbed wire, oh, oh , oh, can you feel it, can you feel it, its so sharp, and so very very shiny . White Uneducated Women just come to the President, feel the embrace of my shiny barbed wire, it’s setting my soul on fire, feel it baby, oh baby feel it baby, barbed wire, shiny barbed wire. Oh, White Uneducated Women will you come for the President, lets roll that barbed wire, set my soul on fire. Keep the Hispanic trash out of our WASP America, let’s keep it clean no Hispanics, to sink our country like the Titanic.

Well that’s enough about him, Bindy winks again, the camera wobbles again. Other news stocks are up, up up up and away, in a beautiful balloon, or should I say bubble, bubbles, bubbles, bubbles everywhere sticking in my hair. Hiding the true reality, but soon it will be back to life back to reality, but not for our President, so long as it stays ok till after Judgement Day, 401K Day. He hates that actor with the muscles, at least he cannot run against him President. Now he is definitely all MAN, like my new boyfriend, did I tell you about my new boyfriend.

Production is up, everywhere, so the President is claiming credit  for that. MULTIPLICATION, multiplication, though he wants to ban Planned Parenthood, as if its a gang from those nasty nasty caravan people attacking our borders, Way on Down, Way on Down, as Elvis used to sing, Down Mexico Way. The priests banned that song in 1920’s Ireland I’ll have you know. I’m not just a vacuous bimbo reading the news here on WXYZABCTCPRadio station, I had an education. We don’t need no Education, We don’t need no Thought Control, sing the camera crew back to Bindy, who takes off a shoe and throws it at Lance on camera 5.

Which brings us on to gun control, the President says he’s not just an arms dealer par excellent, Annie Get your, everybody get your gun, lets be safe with guns for everyone. Food Glorious Food, bullets for everyone, hot ones, smoking ones, laser guided ones, silent ones, any kind of guns you like. Buy a gun for your sister and your brother, even your little old mother. Guns are better than sex, maybe for the President but not for me and my fireman. Hose me down boys, hose me down.

All the cameras wobble as Bindy throws a glass of water over herself. Now to finish let’s have a Ma and Pa story. There was a man, a lonely man, who went to Paris and the Moulin Rouge, and what did he discover. You Can Can Can, standing in the rain getting soaking wet, he met MaryBeth who was studding to be a Vet, but for one year only she was going to be a Can Can Dancer at the Moulin Rougeto give her confidence when dealing with animals.

Hank as no hunk, but he was a man with a child in his eyes, and he knew all the Kate Bush songs too. So running up that hill to the Moulin Rouge to enjoy the view, he fell over and bruised his nose. So MaryBeth treated him like a wounded animal, and she swore after she’d finished stripping elegantly at the Moulin Rouge she’d marry him. He’d get a job riding a bicycle selling onions to American tourists, who could not speak a word of French. So she stripped while he got to know his onions, and her’s too. Onions do add flavour to any concoction after all.

Now the year is up and they are here in the Studio.  MaryBeth are you happy to be home and putting your finger up small animals’ behinds. Hank are you really going to open a French restaurant and language school. I’m so happy for you. But if I may ask a personalm question, as Paris is so romantic how did you avoid getting pregnant?

Well I am a vet, or will be so I know all about stopping animals breeding like rats, not that Hank is a rat. Planned Parenthood if you like. What do you say to that Hank, 3, 6, 9, the goose drank wine etc.

Well that’s all from me, I’m leaving. I’ve got a new job with the Press Pack at the White House. The President banned nearly everybody, but he really really really rates my work, so I’m on the way to the White House. He even recommended a good dry cleaners, so I won’t ever have dirty clothes when we the Press wash his dirty linen in public. I’m going to enjoy being a Gem. 

p.s.  hope Journalists everywhere like this, I want a column by the way Mr Rupert