Waiting for a Viewer

Waiting for a Viewer ©

By Michael Casey

Well I’m waiting for a viewer, for somebody to take a look at our house. Ironically enough my wife is looking at someplace else, then she’s going shopping, so I have to crack the whip for the final tidy up of the house. You know a bit of light dusting, starting with dusting down the vacuum cleaner then giving it a spin. I don’t do any of this, I just head for the shower and have a SSS, otherwise I’d look like Steptoe the rag and bone man from tv when our viewer arrives. I look 10 years younger and smell far fresher when I emerge from our bathroom, I just hope I haven’t left too much mess for the viewer to view.

My youngest daughter who has pretentions of being the next Martha Stewart but without the jail sentence, has arranged the teddy bears on the chairs. Instead I just open up our neglected piano and put the teddy on top, with my surgical stocking covering its head and its arm in a sling, like some relative of Puddys Bear from Children in Need. Then I place the oversize puppy slippers with ears on the floor by the piano peddles. Yes this is what uyou get when you come visiting our house. My small daughter says its pretentious, I agree but say it’s time to sell and move on. I have eye on 2 properties that we could just, and I mean just afford if we got full price for my house.

So the washing up is done, the girls private litter bin is emptied as well as the kitchen bin. I would bake bread and have fresh ground coffee too, only THAT would really be too pretentious by half. What you see is what you get, and it’s a nice family home, though for us now we want something bigger and hopefully with 2 toilets or even 2 bathrooms. I did have to spray some Deep Heat pain reliever but I opened my bedroom window so hopefully that’ll go away as he’s due in under an hour. Even if he does not buy our house, at least it’s tidy for a day. 

£700 a month is the rental value if you are wondering, if only I could charge that for each story I write. If you are reading this Mr Murdoch, 10million, a house, a car for the wife and a puppy dog for me is my price, for all of my stories so far, 14 books worth. Well you have to be cheeky, you never know who is reading this. Maybe world leaders meet to talk about Michael Casey the fat silver haired writer in shades from Birmingham. Though North Korea may just want to kill me first, is Birmingham on the target list now? I’d rather make love to all the North Korean army girls instead of being a target, or would that be classed as a fantasy? I don’t know.

So now the wife has returned its back to life, back to reality, wasn’t that a song years ago? She’s dumped the shopping and is getting the car hand washed down the road. Meanwhile my girls are going to disappear to the woods while I do the show around of the house. Its less cluttered with people when our viewer arrives in 35 mins, I’ve just looked up at the clock. Our washing machine has just bleeped too, so do I hang out the wash to show just how big the garden is for drying all the washing. Or do I wait till post viewing? These are the mighty decisions I have to make, I’ve had a painkiller or two so I’m ok now as well, chest pain is no fun.

So I’ll pause as my stomach needs feeding, 640words or so while I grab a sandwich and try not to leave crumbs to impress our viewer. Though the mountains of Whiskas for the cat, and 120 rolls of toilet paper thanks to Groupon may detract from our house. But what am I to do make them invisible like the dragon in Pete’s Dragon? In the end people decide in 15 minutes if they like a house and then they spend 25 years paying for it.

Well I’ve had a ham sandwich and a salmon one too with pita bread wrap and Branston small pickle topping, so I’m all set up now. I’m having my 3^rd coffee of the day, just Kenco instant, I limit myself to 4 a day. So all I have to do is put on some music for my viewer. No need to argue by the Cranberries springs to mind, what do you think? Well that’s my choice to play in the background as I dust off my best Concierge smile, I’ll stop now as its 5 mins before show time.

Well the viewers came, so I showed them around, a very nice young family. Will they like my house enough to buy it? Are my show around skills any good? Who knows but I wish them luck in their house hunting, hopefully they have finished, as have I.