Michael The April Fool

this is from 1998 and was the inspiration to the ending of chapter One of The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker which is on this site. and yes it really  happened.

Michael G Casey email michaelgcasey@hotmail.com

                                Michael the April Fool  (c)

By Michael Casey 

       

          It was Thursday , Maundy Thursday and the company was finishing early for the Bank Holiday weekend , we were also celebrating winning an award , so Easter eggs and Champagne were on offer . It was also April Fools Day , but that was mostly forgotten . I’d been asked to take photographs , as I was known as the “In-house Papperatzi” , so take photos I did . Then I got instantly pissed on the Champagne , because I just cannot handle alcohol , one whiff and I’m drunk , normally I drink shandy , so free champagne just went straight to my head . However I was still able to take some nice photos for the company’s records , some say the camera is surgically attached to me , and perhaps its true . Derek the boss topped up my drink saying at the same time “I think you’ve had enough already” , and he was right .

           Collecting my coat from the computer room I danced down the 3 flights of stairs and made my way towards the pub , it was a holiday after all . Everybody was in O’Neils the Irish pub which was 150 yards around the corner from our office , when The Fox opened in an hour we’d move on to it , the beer was cheaper and stronger there , but for an hour we’d hang around O’Neils . As luck would have it Derek the boss was getting a round in as I queued to buy myself a drink , so he was more or less “bounced” into buying me a shandy , its always nice to make the boss buy you a pint , minutes earlier he was pouring me champagne and giving me an Easter egg , and now he was buying me a pint . I could almost forgive the company for making me redundant . So pint in hand I joined the others and sat down at a table , before opening my Easter egg and eating it , the Smarties eggs are very nice.

Everybody was as usual disgusted at my eating habits , chocolate was soon smeared around my face , I looked like a 4 year old , a 40 year old  4 year old!

             When I’d finished the egg and my pint of shandy I got up to buy the lads a drink , the barman was busy so I started waving at him as I usually do , he still ignored me so I switched from waving to giving a Papal Blessing with my fingers , this made a girl on a stool next to the bar laugh. “Thats unusual,” she said , so while waiting to be served we got talking . She had blacky/redy hair , and nice eyes so naturally I was attracted to her , even though her boyfriend was sitting next to her.

But as usual as I was pissed I ignored the simple fact , “never chat up another man’s girlfriend if her boyfriend is sitting next to her” , however I continued , I even asked

“are you the boyfriend then ?” To which the man replied indignantly “Certainly not , I’m Bent” , so he was gay and not the boyfriend . So I turned my back on him , now that I knew it was safe and continued afresh talking to her .

             I finally got served , so I handed out the pints before staying at the bar to talk to the girl . She was a chef with short finger nails , so that the food didn’t get stuck under them , it was  a food hygiene thing . The really interesting thing was that she was an artist , she said she painted Aliens , I immediately thought of Ian , why Ian , well we all think he looks like an alien , with his high cheekbones and slanty eyes . All this shandy was making me very happy , and I needed a piss , so I went to the gents . While I was away the girl and her “bent” friend breathed a sigh of relief . When I came back Kate , that was her name , started to hold my hand and squeeze it . I told her to stop because I was enjoying it too much . As for me I started to tell her that she was pretty but she could do with a comb , as her hair was a mess .

She loudly replied she’d only just finished work and got out of the kitchen , how dare I . I just carried on regardless , next I said she had nice teeth but a bit like tombstones . To which she replied “Yours are nice , are they your own or have you had them capped.” To which I replied that I drunk lots of milk , probably 1 or 2 litres a day . My mother always said she should have bought a cow it would have kept the grass down in the garden and she’d have enough milk for me .And still I was admiring her eyes , and she was shaking and squeezing my hand , and both of us were getting tipsy , her “bent” friend as he had called himself had gone away , and left us to it . I have to admit that my drunken lust had been awakened by now .

             I returned from the gents , Antoinette her gay friend had returned , and a couple of other obviously gay people came along to kiss/and say their hellos . One a big man in a leather jacket , also called Michael turned out to be a photographer . Antoinette was trying to persuade Kate to let Michael photo her and/or her work , to be honest I was too pissed to quite remember what was going on , two shandies on top of the champagne had left me pissed . Then Kate said she wasn’t a real woman , she was in fact a trans-sexual , she’d been born a man , and was now a woman . So I squeezed her hand , and then her thigh , she was on a stool in front of me , so her thigh was right in front of me . “I don’t believe you , you feel like a woman , if my memory serves me ,” I said repeatedly as I squeezed her thigh , no doubt leaving masses of bruises . Then Kate said that when she was 7 in Ireland it was decided to convert her , if thats the word , from a boy into a girl . I laughed nervously when I heard this , still squeezing her thigh . Antoinette chipped in with the wonders of modern surgery . I laughed nervously , had I spent 30 mins chatting up a “man” , I just couldn’t believe it .

             “Well I’ll be damned,” I said laughing manically .Again I squeezed her hand and her thigh . “Do you bleed , can you have children ?” was my next drunken question . Logic and alcohol are not good bedfellows . This must have been a question too  far , “It is April the First, after all ,” said Antoinette still straight faced. “You’ve been pulling my leg,” I slurred .They both rolled their eyes , I really was a total prat , a total idiot . I was Michael the April fool . Then Kate added that she was asexual , as much interest in sex as a block of wood , so I had been wasting my time all along , despite being made a fool of . The lads were now heading for the Fox , so it was time to leave . So I kissed Kate goodbye , on the lips  , her lips were woman’s lips , what a relief , or was I mistaken ?