Picking

         Picking ©

          By Michael Casey

I was thinking what to talk about today when I thought Picking, as my small daughter who is in 3^rd year will be picking her exams subject soon. 3^rd year is year9 for all you Americans or modern people here in UK. They have all this modern numbering yet year 12 and 13 are still call 6^th Form. You explain it to me. And college is a fancy term for 6^th form, when really college is when you go to University or Uni as it is irritatingly called. Can I ask what being a self taught writer is called? Is it a Home School Bore? I said it before any of my Borises got in first. How about Doue?

Now to the point, how do you pick you choices for school? Mr Smith is nice, I fancy him so I’ll do Latin said Allison. Mr Jones has bad breath, when he leans over you it really stinks, So I’m not doing English. You have to do English, what, that’s not fair, then I’m going to hold my breath during his lessons. What about Geography? Mr Howes hasn’t got a clue he’s always getting lost on campus, but Geography is fun, so I’m doing that.

What about History? Miss Harrison always makes it sound better than a Soap opera, she hints then winks and says go Google that when you get home. And you know what its disgusting, what they did to Edward II with that poker, was straight out of a horror film. I’m definitely doing History, the Romans were right bastards too, I Googled it, it was terrible, so exciting, there should be more horror films with Romans in. Ask the Christians if you don’t believe me.

Maths, I hate Maths, why do Americans call it Math, don’t they know any English spellings and stuff. Why do they OR instead of OUR as well? I’m not doing Maths, that’s final. But you have to do Maths, or you’ll get ripped off every time you go shopping. You need to be able to contrast and compare. Mum said it’s like when you look at boys. You need to know which is the best value, like WAGs do with sportsmen. Who has the bigger pay packet. So you can divorce them when they do the dirty. It’s a shame about Wayne,  but maybe she’ll forgive him. If he was better at Maths maybe this would never have happened, that’s what my parents were saying.

What about Foreign languages? My dad said he was great at Anglo Saxon, whatever that means. I was thinking French my Aunty used to love Sacha Distel. Is that a disease, Sacha Distel, sounds like something we did in Biology the other day. No he was a crooner, so I’ll do French to please my aunty. But Biology is that any good? You cut up things and feel about in dead animals, I don’t think I’d like that so I’ll leave Biology alone. But if I did Chemistry instead that could be fun, experiments and so on. What about Physics too, I heard that was fun, with experiments as well. You have Abbot to help too. A priest teaching Physics? No its the text book, my uncle said he read it from cover to cover.

Do we have to do Music? Mr Preacher just shouts all the time, says we are all tone deaf, but its his shouting making us deaf. Crochets and Quavers man nothing to me. I thought it meant eating crisps while you did some knitting. Why can’t we just listen to Capital Radio instead? Instead 300 year old Mozart.

We have to do RE or RI it’s a must. But nobody goes to church, except for funerals, and when my cousin got pregnant and her dad said if the boy didn’t marry her he’d get his History book out and do and Edward II on him. I didn’t know your uncle was a History teacher. He knows a bit about torture, he read 50 Shades 20 times.

We have to do PE or Gym as well, just to make us fit. But we have no time to shower so we reek all afternoon afterwards. But you can get a GCSE or certificate of some sort for wearing your gym kit. But the kit is terrible, the other schools laugh at us when we play games against them. Is that why you broke that bloke’s nose, no that was an accident I was aiming for his jaw. Hockey is a very violent game after all. I watch American Ice Hockey for inspiration, do you think if we have a hard winter the Gym teacher will let us try it in the playground?

I’m looking forward to doing my GCSEs do you think Saint Judes will come top of the scores again when the results are in? Of course, the teachers put the fear of God into us, my big sister said you hate it while you are here but afterwards you are so proud you went to such an institution. My mum went here too, she says its the best school anywhere, that’s her next to the pink Rolls Royce, she only picks me up to annoy the old staff who said she’d never amount to anything. Her dad said Do What You Like But Do Your Best, she sends him to Malta for 6 months of the year. That’s generous, no she can’t stand him, because he was always right.