Daytime TV

Daytime TV ©

By

Michael Casey

I was wondering what to write about today once the pain monster went away and my thoughts turned to Daytime TV, so if you ready lets take a peek.

Welcome I’m Garry Bond I’m licensed to thrill, I’m going to shake and stir you, and leave you thrilled, are you ready ladies? Today we are talking about embarrassing visits to Doctor. Should you just say you have a boil on your bum and flash you botty to the doctor, or nurse.Or are you the shy sort and you talk about the weather, before you can pluck up the courage to show your bum to a total stranger. Would online consultations be the way to the future of boil on the bum investigations?

We’ll have a panel discussion on the topic. On the panel will be an ear nose and throat doctor, we couldn’t get a Proctologist, but a doctor is a doctor is a doctor. We nearly got a Pathologist, but he was stuck at the cemetery. We’ll have that well know fart actor, sorry farce actor Brian Rix, he’s shown his bum to millions. What, stop screaming in my earpiece, when did he die? Nobody told me. So we won’t be having him, you just cannot get the staff dear viewers, I was in pantomime for 18 straight years before I lowered myself to do this rubbish daytime tv. What? I thought we had cut to the adverts, so the viewers heard me say that. Sorry viewers, I was rehearsing for my next panto in 10 months time, you are of course my special special dear personal friends.

There’s a flash and a crash, a little old lady comes on and punches the host, he is out cold and carried off. The studio manager asks the little old lady does she have any experience and would she like to host the rest of the show. I don’t know anything about being a tv star the little old lady stammers, but I do have a boil on my bum, she shows her boil to camera 3. A new rising daytime tv star is born.  

Next show is a quiz, a general knowledge quiz hosted by lady dressed as if she was going to meet the queen, the contestants are wearing jumpers with paint stains down them. First question for 5 points can anybody tell me who lives in Poland? Pole Dancers. No, can the other side tell me? Poles, yes that is correct. For 5 points can anybody tell me what The Art of the Possible is talking about. Modern Art. No silly. Other side can you tell me. Haven’t a clue. It refers to Politics. I know they are artless clueless and they are impossible to live with, no not students Politicians.

How many times did Edna Scrunge appear as Dippy Do in the hit soap opera, You Can Always Do it Again and Again and Again. 1200. Sorry it was 1196, she missed 4episodes when she had her 4 kids, too much again and again and again. Now some sport questions, how many gold medals did Olga Toloffnov win. 5. Yes but no. She was stripped of them because of doping, so the answer is none. We’ve ran out of time now viewers, so see you next time, same time, same place, here on Quiz World TV for Winners.

After an eternity of adverts the next show begins, its a travel show, Dave Porridge travels by taxi visiting various back street chip and kebab shops. Dave used to be big in tv and only got this slot as he saved the life of the producer by hiding him in a cupboard when the producer’s boyfriend discovered he had been cheating on him with a woman. The producer said he’d always be in debt to Dave Porridge. So when Dave Porridge’s career went down the toilet the producer rescued him with this daytime tv gem, kebabs via taxis. Dave’s weight went from 120kilos to 155 kilo, it stabilised there, thanks to regular doses of food poisoning. And a few lusty workouts with with chip peelers.

Dave talks to camera and interviews the taxi drivers as he criss crosses the country visiting fast food shops galore. Dave is of course a bit of a linguist with all the various people he meets. His tongue is made of asbestos too, he can handle any hot stuff on his tongue, food or female. History and Geography is mentioned as he eats his way across the country. In a way Dave Porridge becomes a cult by eating food. But it was too many oats which was his downfall, Dave Porridge had his oats too often, he got 3 takeaway girls pregnant simultaneously. So the kebab knives were out and Dave caught a bus to Scotland, there he’d do his porridge.

With TV shows like that now you know why I choose to watch TV news and read the newspapers instead of watching. Maybe I’ll get my own tv show one day. I could have North Korean Army Girls sing K-Pop while I give them tea and crumpet. I bet somebody is already stealing my Format. But K Pop can save the world as I wrote last month.