From Airheads to PSB/Radio4 Heads©
By
Michael Casey
I’m happy enough today, I returned to my own local church just in time to hear the Shona choir nip in and sing a song or two after their practice in the spare room outside the church. I smiled as a guy in front of me removed both his hearing aids as the choir and drums struck up. If you have never heard a Shona choir I think you should try and get to hear one. It really is something magical, it even brought a tear to my eye, though nobody would have seen my tears behind my shades.
Earlier in the day I nipped into the other church to give Molly my new story, Molly and the Flu. I also paid the gas bill and did some shopping, the normal day to day things, meanwhile the wife cut the grass. My Arthur my arthritis prevents me from being too physical, that and my surgery scars, if you brush slightly against my left breast I’ll scream and jump 2 feet into the air, even after 2.5 years. So now you know.
I just watched Airheads on tv and old film from 1994 with the guy from the Mummy in it, its about a rock band hijacking a rock radio station in an attempt to get airplay. I give it 6/10 but its worth a watch. So this set me thinking, how do speech radio people such as I, get their stuff on the radio.On PSB or BBC Radio4.
Over here we have BBC Radio4 which was a very big part of my life for 20 years, from ages of 8 to 28 perhaps, and a few years more. I have heard 100s or even 1000s of plays, and that was before I wrote a few of my own. I used to hang around theatres too, and I’ve watched 1000s of films. I have drunk beer in bars and seen live folk and jazz galore, just in case you think I’m too boringly intellectual. And yes I’ve read by the yard, though nowadays its online newspapers.
So that’s my background, as well as growing up in a large family which was larger still with alcoholic lodgers and a cat and a dog. And all in what you’d call Inner City Birmingham. I am a vacuum cleaner as I’ve said before, so I record everything and it goes into the soup then I ladle it out in a story.
So how do I get these stories on the radio? I even parodied my self http://michaelgcasey.typepad.com/files/127.i-want-to-be-a-radio-star-a-love-story-1.mp3 You can hear it if you follow the link.
Otherwise what do I do? I could stand outside the BBC in the rain reading stories like a performance artist. I could print off a few copies and sell them or hand them out outside supermarkets, but there would be too much competition from Big Issue sellers or our local beggars. I have no Allan Bennett to give me shelter, I don’t even own a van. So what can I do?
I can continue to write, aim for my next million words, try and reach the two million tally. I could add to my 207 recorded pieces of writing, that’s 11hours plus of air time. I could send photos of myself with food down my jumper to all the Radio 4 personal, would that work? Or do I have to pose with my hand supporting my chin. Isn’t the bouncer look good enough, looks should not matter anyway it is radio material after all. I do have a face for radio as Terry Wogan used to say.
I did once hand something in to a radio station, that did not work, though Bauer Media did like some jokes I left of FB or something years ago. And I did get loads of praise but no airtime from a variety of radio stations. So should I try harder? Could I ring in to all the late night radio programmes and banter away reading from my scripts over the phone. So I ad lib my way to their attention, between 2 and 5 am when real people are asleep.
I could take away their dictionary that would really hurt their feelings, I could hide the complete works of Shakespeare, and those desert island disks then they might give in and play some of my 207 recordings. And then I could record the rest of my writing, 1000 more short stories. I could even read my novel on the radio, all 600 pages of it.
Would any of this work? Would I have to offer my body in exchange for radio play? Would anybody want my much scarred body, complete with very hairy back? Would I have to sell my soul, my body just to get my stories on speech radio, or very late night commercial radio? Speech radio is run by very intellectual gay men, or middle aged women. So obviously none of them would lower themselves to have me, or rather my stories on the radio.
I can fantasise about being discovered with just a dictionary holding my lusts in check, but realistically that’s not going to happen. Its as likely as the seoul times having a story of mine on the front page for a week alongside a photo of a K Pop star. http://www.theseoultimes.com/ST/index.html
K-Pop Saves the World
Though that is what has happened this very week. So the very week I have been pretty weak my spirits soar as have reach Korean shores.
If by any chance anybody with a love of radio does read this I am available as are my 1,000,000 words, perfect stocking filler material. Barry White is singing in the background, He cannot get Enough of my Love, I just wish Radio couldn’t get enough of my stories, Ed Sheeran cannot monopolise the radio forever. Could he not move over for a fat boy in shades, I mean Me not Barry White.
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