Santa is stuck up the chimney ©
By Michael Casey
There’s a noise upstairs, so I push the wife
forward, while I watch her back. She grabs here cleavers on the way up the
stairs, one Shanghai wife two meat cleavers. She stamps her feet to make noise
to frighten the intruder, or is it to boast her courage.
Meanwhile I switch off Phoenix TV and a Date with
LuLu, I want to watch the BBC news instead. Upstairs I can hear a scuffle, then
a whoosh, 9 reindeer appear at the bottom of out stairs. Dasher,
Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder, Blitzen, and Rudolph the
Red-Nosed Reindeer. Quickly followed by Santa sitting in his sleigh, with Jing
Jie sitting besides him.
I’ll bring your wife a new set of German knives
for Christmas says Santa, the Zwilling J.A. Henckels ones, with the picture of
the two men on. So smiling JJ sits down and switches back to Phoenix. So I have
to play host to Santa.
I get Santa
a cup of green tea with brown
sugar in it, as I mention brown sugar Santa starts to dance, he’s a very old
Rolling Stones fan. He got Charlie Watts a new drum kit ten years ago, Charlie
had worn it out with too much Jazz. Santa just adores Jazz too. Keith Richards
got an Atomic Rooster pace maker, how else could he do the 50th
anniversary shows.
Mick Jagger got a re-tread for his lips, and some
new knicker elastic, with all his moves he needed it. The other one, he got a
Donny Osmond album, his musical tastes are mind blowing eclectic after
all, just listen to his show if you don’t
believe me.
As Santa enjoyed his tea the reindeer grazed on
our carpet, we hope to replace it soon, so I wasn’t too annoyed. Besides if we
move the glass table it’ll hide the bare patches, won’t it?
Santa looked around casually, “I know what you
really want” he said. I nodded “ a new house.” I cannot promise anything said Santa,
it is Friday the 13th after all, maybe a dolls house for your
daughter.” I laughed and drunk my own green
tea.
Jing Jie was laughing, Mr Zhou the comedian was on
Phoenix, I laughed too, his body language is so funny, no need to understand
Mandarin. Santa and the reindeer fell over on the floor laughing, they do of course
know Mandarin. It’s the way Mr Zhou tells them, he may have watched a Frank
Carson video in the past.
So I asked Santa what he was doing in our loft.
Birmingham is so nice nowadays was the reply, the reindeer wanted to eat the
plants from the roof of the new library. That’s the real reason the roof top
gardens were added, the architect is a friend of Santa’s.
So if you want a visit from Santa make sure you
have a plant or two growing on your windowsill, the reindeer do of course adore
poinsettia. The reason why poinsettia is red is because Rudolph had an accident
and it changed the plant forever, so blame Rudolph.
But why our house Santa? It was the sounds of
carols being sung by my daughters, reindeer are attracted to carols, they home
in on them. As the girls are in a choir and practice, not to mention Capital
radio being on too. It was too much for the reindeer, they fell out of the sky
into our house.
So I gave Santa more green tea with brown sugar,
as for the reindeer they continued to graze on the carpet. I think I’ll have to
move to sofa to cover the bare patch. My wife continued to laugh with Mr Zhou,
the reindeer and Santa chuckled too.
It was nearly time for Santa and the reindeer to
go, they had to visit a few lonely churches to cheer up the clergy, would
people discover faith, hope and love this Christmas. As for our carpet Santa
said if I Faith then on Christmas day a new carpet would appear with the book
of Kells pattern.
I just hope Santa’s right, otherwise I’ll have to
move the sofa.
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