Hello
, how about a Verbal Cartoon for RADIO
I
grew up listening to the radio, we all used to hide under the blankets and
listen when we should have been fast asleep. Radio did change my life, a lodger
gave us a radio when he had to go back to Ireland to look after his sick mum.
In fact he left all his stuff and caught the first boat home. Months later he
came back to see us and said me and my brother could have his old Bush radio. I
spent 20 years listening to radio. That and being afraid of Mr Gallagher when I
was 8 changed my life, and improved my intellect.
Today
after 20 years of radio and 25 years if writing, 45 years in total I think I'm
a good writer, and thank God so do others. Yes I'm 54 now, in my head I'm 20,
though my wife would say 12.
I met my Shanghai wife in the old people's home, she was cleaning my
dad's room. I was positively vetted by a Chinese Ballet dancer from the
Birmingham Royal Ballet, now we are married with 2 bilingual daughters, my wife
is a Shanghai girl.
Tomorrow
we are off to Malta, my first holiday in 5 years.
Now
here's a few samples, what I'd like to do would be to read my shorts/blogs on
your radio. Each piece is about 90 seconds long, 90 seconds with Michael is the
idea, simple idea. I have gained 11,442 views on Funny or Die for a sample
chapter of Tears for a Butcher which will be my 6th book. Only the other day a
publisher said my book of shorts 300 and Not OUT was very funny. In fact I must
have 500 shorts, enough for over a year. My books are on Amazon Kindle and
www.michaelgcasey.wordpress.com is my
site.
Here's the samples for radio or print.
How
do Men Shop? ©
By
Michael Casey
There
is a difference between Men and Women, and thank God for it. But how do men
shop? Shopping for men is about getting what you need, my shoes have a hole in
them so I’ll go to the shop and buy another pair. A man will buy a new pair of
shoes that are exactly the same as his old pair of shoes, or if he’s being
adventurous he’ll have a pair of shoes which are exactly the same but with grey
laces and not black. Now to a man this is being fashion conscious. If a man
wants a new pair of trousers he just goes to the shop and sees if they have his
leg/waist size and then tries them on, making sure they don’t split when he
bends over and that his package is not squeezed. If a man needs a suit he
checks the trousers before putting on the jacket, the jacket must be able to be
done up without his belly exploding the buttons off. A man will never button up
his suit jacket, but he needs to know that the buttons won’t fly off and hit
anybody in the eye, if ever he does.
If
a man needs a shirt he checks the neck size, 18.5 in my case, and then he sees
if its full fit or not. Then he buys 5 shirts exactly the same all in plastic . For a lazy shopper he’ll go
straight to Slaters and get what he wants. In and out in 30 mins for
everything. Then he’ll go to the pub and meet his mates and have one pint too
many and leave all his shopping in the Queens Tavern. Luckily they are honest
there and his shopping is saved, otherwise he’s have to waste 30mins in
Slaters, before going back to the pub.
This
is basically the difference between men and women. Woman shop, men pick up
clothes or whatever like an order picker does, without any passion. A man gets home and puts his shopping away
and forgets about it. Just like in the film The Fly where the man’s wardrobe
contains suits all the same colour, clothes are just a thing so they are all
uniform.
As
for women shopping s something different, the clothes have to be tried on and
they must make the woman look perfect, her bum or boobs mustn’t be to big or
too small, everything should be right. To help the woman chose her clothes she
brings two or three mates or her children with her. Her man is forced to come
too, but he plugs Radio5 Live into his ear and listens to the football while she is choosing. Men know 5 colours,
red, blue, red, green, yellow or maybe one or two more; as for a woman there
are at least 50 colours, and just as the eskimos have 30 words for snow a woman
has 10 words for each colour and its hews.
This
brave man, or am I stupid, I just give my wife the debit card and say leave me
in peace, so she goes off with a smile with the girls with her, they are young
Fashionistas after all. I decided years ago what a wife needed was space to
shop and not constant looks at my watch. So that’s what she does and her
bulging wardrobe will testify to the wisdom of my decision. When a woman comes
home its 2 hours of mix and match to make sure that the new clothes match the
old clothes, the husband tries to watch the big match on tv but his wife is
prancing around the living room asking “does my bum show” and various other
questions. It’s a penalty, and you sit on the edge of your seat, the wife
appears and blocks your view, so you miss seeing why your side was relegated. Normal life in homes
up and down the country.
The
next day you watch the match again in peace, you remembered to record it on
Sky+ and as for the wife she’s gone back to the shop to return ½ of what she
bought because it doesn’t match her shoes. And it’s your fault because you
wouldn’t give her your debit card again so she could buy cheap £100 shoes.
All
Things Bright and Beautiful ©
By Michael Casey
I
haven’t written a non-pain piece in a while, so I’ll try and forget the pain
and write something new. We’ve just had the half time holidays and my girls
have been playing “shop-girls” as they call it. They even have a sign on their
bedroom door saying “open” or “closed”. They steal my wife’s clothes and prance
about upstairs. Our eldest daughter has bigger feet than my wife now so that’s
a relief as she cannot steal my wife’s shoes any more, but it does not prevent
her younger sister from wearing mum’s shoes. There is also the matter of the
beret with silver sequins, that’s an absolute Fashion Must.
Me,
I’m not fashionable at all, three girls in the house is enough, if I gave in to
them they’d be beading my eye brows, I do wear pink on occasions, so that’s as
far as I go. If I were maybe 3 stones lighter I’d try other things, I did see a
nice cord jacket in Cotton Traders 48R, it was bright blue, Kingfisher Blue, my
girls called it a “Clown Jacket”. With encouragement like that what am I supposed
to do? I did say if I win Euro millions I WILL buy the jacket. My wife has a
nice light brown one, although as she is a woman there will be a more accurate
colour name, men don’t do colours. If you think of it its black and white,
blue, green, orange as far as men go, but women at least another 40 names for
colours. As far as my hair goes, its silver, though a friend used to say I was
an old man with white hair. As the colour of our hair change it’s the 7 ages of
man.
I
remember Ali saying why wasn’t it “Whitemail” instead of blackmail. We are in
the Pink if we have good health, I long to be back in the pink myself. We say
we hope be back in the black not in the red when we do company accounts, we
look for the silver linings. We look look look for the rainbow as the song
goes, we may find the crock of gold, all our troubles may be over and we can
pack them up in the old kit bag. Hope springs up within us, it is now Spring
after all, and as Chance the Gardener said “in the Spring there will be
growth.”
Cheese
and Chorizo ©
By
Michael Casey
The
thing about girls is that they steal your stuff, you think they are nice and
sweet smelling, but they are not. If they get up before you they’ll raid your
side of the fridge and eat your cheese and chorizo. Cheese and chorizo on
toast, with hot chocolate to follow, this is how your daughters treat you. This
is how my girls treat me.
Yesterday
mum bought biscuits, and did she share them? NO. The girls got some but I got
none. They were the ones I really like,
its always the ones you really like. I looked high and low, just like an Ah Ha
song, but nothing. JJ the wife just laughed at me as I went from pillar to post
looking for a biscuit, the Tunnock ones. See this is how the 3 girls in my life
treat me, I am biscuitless. Finally after much derision my small daughter
showed me where the biscuits were, a new
hiding place, that’s why I could not find them. So I was victorious, I sneaked
a biscuit into my pocket and slipped away to eat it in peace.
Shoes
are a big thing, so our small daughter walks around the house in mum’s shoes,
mine are too big so thankfully they are left alone. However having two
daughters who like Textiles, which is the fancy word from school for sewing and
making things. If they like textiles then your clothes are not safe, they drag
a shirt or two out of the wardrobe and say they want to turn it into something.
Jumpers are not safe either, they can cut them down to make a dress or even a handbag. And as for needles, it’s
like having a porcupine in the family, DANGER. You only realise that after you
have sat on a needle or two, the wife just says its free acupuncture, no need
to asked Dr Hu to pay us a visit, and yes he really is Dr Hu, not Dr Who, but
Dr Hu.
Now
that our 11year old is 5feet tall, as big as mum, she wants to wear her
clothes, but you can imagine what kind of clothes a Shanghai girl wears. So
there is debate in Chinese, I cannot understand a word, but SANINGONGA is heard
quite often which means no. Which also means my girls, our girls will return to
steal from my wardrobe again. In a way it’s like having moths, but instead of
holes in your clothes, entire items just disappear. BUT it’s not just the
girls, its mum too, she’ll decide that the Fashion Police would not like this
item or that item, so it disappears.
When do I find out? Never, or nearly never, until I walk past a charity shop
and see a tent sized item in the window, it’s my clothes.
So
if you want to keep the clothes on your back, don’t have daughters. If you want your favourite food safe in your
side of the fridge, the none Chinese side of the fridge, then don’t have
daughters. If you want to save your pennies, don’t have a Shanghai wife. But
then life would be boring, just make sure you look before you sit.
From
A to B from Sat Nav to Blocked Sink ©
By
Michael Casey
Well
I hope you are all fine this morning. For us the Sat Nav debate continues.
In
the old days a Black Taxi would not be seen using an AtoZ, it was beneath his
dignity. He'd done the Knowledge and it was all up there in his head. Jack
Rozenthal wrote a great play about it, was it 30years ago? Maureen Lipman was
his real wife.
Delivery
drivers have and egg and bacon butty in one hand dripping egg on to the AtoZ in
their other hand while they try and deliver a chest of drawers, with 5 days
growth of beard for good measure.
Bus
drivers know their route, so once they've done it a while its automatic, they
know what they are doing. All they have to do is put up with kids trying to use
a 3 day old ticket, and not get too high from all the cannabis on the bus. Or
remember when they have switched routes because that can lead to strange
directions.
Door
to door salesmen all those years ago, with the rap at tat tat on the back door
had their route carrying the suitcase with samples in. I can vaguely remember
one at our back door did my mum buy a clothes brush? But that must be 45 years
ago.
So
basically we all know what we want and where we are going. Going further back
they say people only knew a six block radius around their home. Going to War
changed all that as did radio and then more importantly tv. Tv being our eyes
on the world, previous to that only Merchant Seaman knew of the world. My own
granddad was a merchant sea man, I sometimes wonder did he ever get to Shanghai
Or
was it me, his grandson who got there first. Had he visited at the turn of the
19th/20th Century 100years and more ago.
Which
brings us back to Sat Nav. Me I use a bus which is fine apart from the pot
heads who sit next to you on the bus and all I want to do is puke. My wife is a
car driver, so she and our girls love the car. But my wife has borrowed a Sat
Nav and likes the ease of it so now she wants one of her own. The result is
that I’m being nagged to provide one. You pay, me pay, yes you pay, why me pay,
because you are the husband so you pay, no way me pay, you pay you pay
yourself, I say. And on the ding dong, sing song goes. Which is the fun part.
Me I no pay, use computer I say. You can get perfect directions off the
computer all you then have to do is print them off, if our printer was still
working we’d be doing that. So really all the wife has to do is copy them down,
in English.
She’s busy with the wok as I talk to you, she’s
compromised now, she only wants me to pay half. So I say I’ll be doubly
generous and double the share I won’t pay, I’ll pay zero and she can pay 100%.
That’s the true spirit of negotiation, now I have another thing to resolve,
she’s blocked the sink, so pardon me now as I take the plunge, or rather take
the plunger to the sink, no need to use a Sat Nav to get there, its over my
shoulder in the next room, just turn left at the tv and go straight on to the
sound of bubbles. Love is everywhere don’t you know it, just find it, no Sat
Nav required.
Let
There Be Light ©
By Michael Casey
Let
my tears be my words
Let
the candle light be my eyes
Let
the flowers in bloom be my lips
Let
their scent be my blood
Let
the wind be my breath
Let
clouds be my mood
Let
children’s laughter be my hope
Let
widows’ sighs be my conscience
Let
a stranger’s prayers be my delight
Let
the bees be my wisdom
Let
the trees be my strength
Let
my patience reach to the stars
Let
me be always remembered in your prayers
Thanks
for reading this, that’s if Junk did not get it. I have come close and not got
a cigar many times in my life, so I decided to try you. Radio is the medium for
my words, 90 seconds with Michael, could go nationwide, it’s a simple idea,
with great words, mine if I can be boastful. We are off to Malta in the
morning, my back pain has flared up again, so I'm hoping the 20degrees in Malta
cure it, we have had zero for what seems months here in Birmingham
Cheerio,
Michael Casey
p.s. my 1st book is called The
Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker and it would make a great serial, Charles
Dickens 1st appeared in a newspaper as you know.
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